(A/N: Good News: I finally got the "Kick-Ass 2" TPB. Bad News: I can't bring myself to read it. I mean, I got to like, page 4, and I had to put it down. I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't read it yet, but dear Lord, that was depressing! Curse you, Makokam, for forcing me to reject canon in favor of your brilliantly written, mostly happily-ending stories! Please Read & Review.)
Disclaimer: I do not own the "Kick-Ass" franchise or any original characters contained herein. Angela Sorensen, Jessi Duvall, Riley O'Dwyer, and Dillon Maxwell are all the intellectual properties of Makokam.
Hens
Mindy took a moment to check her gun; her 9mm Heckler & Koch P7 had six rounds left, and probably twice that many hostiles were waiting for her, Angela, and Jessi in the other room. Angela had a Colt Diamondback .38 Special subnose revolver and Jessi carried a Star Model B.
"Okay," she whispered to her friends quietly, "I'm gonna count to three, kick the door in, and we shoot anything that moves. If you have any doubts about whether they're still alive, double-tap them, especially the green ones. They're the carriers of the virus."
"I'm on point," said Angela, thumbing back the hammer on her Colt.
"Like Hell you are," said Jessi, "you're the worst shot in the group. Mindy's on point."
"Fuck you, Jessi," said Angela, "When we're this close, you don't have to be a great shot."
"Shut up, both of you," said Mindy, "I'm on point, Angela takes the left, Jessi on the right. Now, 3, 2, 1!"
Mindy kicked in the door and saw the zombies. Flesh rotting off their bones, slime dripping from every orifice, and dead eyes that barely seemed to register the interlopers. In all, there were 13 of them.
"CARRIERS ON THE RIGHT!" yelled Jessi, dropping three of the monsters in a few seconds. One of the ones left made a move to grab Angela, but she did a combat roll and put one in the center of its forehead.
The melee lasted only half a minute, the mindless drones no match at all for three armed attackers with their wits about them. But there was no time to celebrate, as the sound of gunfire would soon bring the rest of the zombies out of hiding and baring down upon them.
"Our EVAC will be here in about three minutes," said Mindy, checking her watch, "and we'll only have a five minute window to get to the chopper before he leaves. If we hurry now, it'll only take us six to go up the next floor and to the roof."
"That's easier said than done," said Jessi, looking out the doorway into the hall.
Mindy looked out the door and blanched. No fewer than 20 zombies were heading toward them, from the exact direction they had to go to get out of the building. Half a dozen of them were carriers.
"Fuck," she swore under her breath. She inserted her last magazine into her gun.
"I'm almost out," said Jessi.
"And I've only got one speedloader left," said Angela.
"Alright," said Mindy, taking a slow, deep breath, "We've only got one chance at this. When I give the signal, we're all going to tear ass down the hallways and empty our pieces the second we reach the zombies. Don't stop or slow down for even a second as you go through them. Their reflexes are slow enough that they might not be able to react in time, but stay away from the carriers."
They all took deep breaths as Mindy counted off on her fingers.
Three. Two. One. "GO!" she screamed,
They charged straight into the shambling horde, firing randomly as they passed through the slow-moving zombies. Hands reached out to grab them, but the weak grips were easily defied as the three women headed for the stairs.
"MINDY, LOOK OUT!" shouted Jessi.
Mindy moved down and to the side, but it was too late; a stray round from Angela's revolver went past the carrier it had been intended for and grazed Mindy's arm.
BZZZZTTTTTTTTT
"Sorry, ladies," said a voice over the intercom when the siren stopped, "friendly fire is an automatic disqualification. Please head down to the front desk to receive your score."
Mindy stood up and rubbed her arm; getting hit with Simunition wasn't as bad as real bullets, but it still hurt like Hell.
"So Angela," said Jessi with a shit-eating grin, "what was that about 'not having to be a great shot at close range?'" Angela flipped her the bird.
The Zombie Apocalypse Experience had been open for almost a year, and though the initial furor had died down, you still had to book your runs several days in advance. Mindy had to hand it to her friends, she couldn't imagine doing anything more fun for her hen party than shooting glorified paintballs at guys dressed like walking corpses.
"I need a drink after all that," said Angela, "Let's head to my place so we can shower and change for phase two of the evening."
Stags
Boom-boom-boom-boom . . .
The club's loud, primitive drum & bass music slowly wound down and was replaced by Tito & Tarantula's "After Dark" as the next dancer made her way onto the stage wearing a nun's habit made of latex.
"You're going to love this girl," said Riley, sipping her drink.
"I'm not so sure," said Marty, "Some very uncomfortable Catholic school memories are starting to - Jesus, mother of Mary."
The girl removed the main part of the habit, revealing the finest Victoria's Secret lingerie as she swayed to the sultry Spanish guitar that played over the speakers.
"Christ All-Friday," said Todd, "I didn't think that anyone besides Mindy could have that kind of muscle tone and still be that skinny."
A man in a suit walked up to their table and asked them, "You boys enjoying yourselves tonight?"
"Absolutely, John," said Riley, "As always, your choice of girls is superb."
"So, Riley, you finally decide to accept my offer? You'll get paid vacation, your own dressing room, and 250 dollars credit at the bar on your off days."
"Not a chance, John."
"I'll get you, yet. You gentlemen enjoy yourselves tonight." He walked away to speak with the bouncers.
"Who was that guy?" asked Dave.
"The owner," said Riley, "About 6 months ago they were running an amateur pole-dancing contest that I happened to win. Every time I come back, John offers me a job, and every time I turn him down."
"You come here often?" asked Marty.
"That's kinda hot," said Todd.
Riley pointed at the stage, where the dancer was down to pasties and her wimple. "Kirsten up there was my roommate-cum-lover in college. We still spend the occasional night together when neither of us is dating anyone. And speaking of . . ."
Riley took Dave by the arm and began leading him toward a door at the back of the club.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"I have a special surprised all lined up for you," said Riley, grinning wickedly. Before Dave could object, she pulled him into a small room with a chair seated in front of a bed, next to which was an assortment of whips, chains, handcuffs and lubricants. She pushed him down into the chair and began removing her clothes.
"Riley, you promised Mindy – "
"That I would not strip, lap-dance, or pop out of a giant cake," she replied, "And I'm not stripping, I'm just taking off my clothes."
"In a hurry, are we?" asked a honey-sweet voice off to the side. Dave turned his head to see Kirsten enter, wearing a thin satin robe.
"Riley has told me all about you, Dave," she said, slinking over to him, "I've wanted to meet you ever since she told me she was planning to get you away from that evil bitch girlfriend of yours?"
"She's - ah - she's never mentioned you before," stammered Dave. Kirsten sat on his lap and straddled him, making a small sound of delight as she felt him respond to her touch.
"Mmm," she said, removing the belt from her robe and wrapping it around his neck flirtatiously, "It feels like you're everything Riley said you would be. Maybe more."
"Did she tell you that I'm getting married in two days?" he squeaked out. Dave was rock hard now and didn't know how much longer he could go without losing control.
"Of course I did," said Riley, lying seductively on the bed, "Which is why I asked Kirsten to help me arrange a special surprise for you."
Kirsten stood up, removed her robe, and slowly walked over to the bed, crawling across its surface until she was right on top of Riley.
"Oh my GOD," said Dave. This was going to be a night he wouldn't forget any time soon.
(A/N: I know what you're thinking: "He's made us wait all this time for just THAT? What the hay, bro?!" Well, rest assured, this is only Phase 1 of the evening. Phase 2 will not take nearly so long to come to fruition. Please Review.)