When I woke up, Ben's face was buried in my neck, his arms wrapped around my waist. The sun shone on his reddish hair. He looked peaceful. For the first time in weeks, maybe even months, I smiled. It was a real smile... A smile that wasn't forced or hiding tears.
As we lied tangled in each other's grips, I thought about everything we had been through. I thought about how he had always been there after Peter died. I thought about how he had always woken me up when I was paralyzed and screaming because of the nightmares that plagued me every night when I closed my eyes. I only slept in peace when his arms protected me.
The realization dawned on me and I would've sat bolt upright if I wasn't being held down.
I loved Ben.
I had always "loved" him, but only as a best friend, or in the way that you love a brother. Now, I realized, it was different.
It was Ben, my crazy best friend, the one I teased, the one who was obsessed with music and guitars, the one who would always hold me when I cried, Ben. I was in love with him.
I stared at the ceiling, thinking it over, trying to make sense of it all. After a while, Ben's eyes fluttered open.
"Hey…" he said awkwardly.
"Hey."
"Sleep well?" he smiled. I felt a twinge in my heart.
"Yeah… You?"
"Very well." He didn't let go of me.
"I… I'm glad you stayed. I was so scared." My voice was quiet.
"It's okay now. They were only dreams."
"I know." I said nothing more. We stayed silent for a while.
"…I'm hungry. Want something to eat?" he seemed to blush a little. I giggled.
"Sure."
He unwrapped his arms from me and left the room to go find something for breakfast. I stayed in bed. I felt oddly alone again. I saw my notebook lying on the table next to the bed and I picked it up. I saw the scribbles from the words I could never seem to form. Suddenly, I knew what to write.