I had made my way up the winding drive to the Cullen house early in the morning with my stomach churning. God knows what I was thinking, I knew I would pay for this little visit later and already I felt hurt gnawing at the edges of the hole in my chest. I had tried to breathe calmly as the drive ended and the deserted house came into view. It was still magnificent even though the forest around had begun encroaching upon the boarders of its garden. The empty dark windows stared out at me like soulless eyes and I was afraid of what I might find but I had to know. The curiosity was killing me.
I turned off my truck and took a deep breathe before opening the rusted car door. I hadn't looked up at the beautiful house as I had approached it. Instead I looked down at my feet searching for my choice of weapon as well as ensuring I wouldn't fall. I bent down and picked up a large rock from the side of the path. I was still in a state of forced calm when I began to walk up the front steps to the porch. I felt as long as I didn't look up I'd be ok but as I neared the door I had to see what I was doing and reluctantly looked through the narrow window to the side of the front door. The window had beautiful coloured panes of glass forming a red rose and I momentarily I stopped to question my sanity. Whether the house was empty or not made almost no difference. Either way I was exposing open wounds to infection. My arm had a mind of its own and without instruction from my brain it lifted to slam the large rock through the delicate window. I winced as the glass shattered and fell to the ground at my feet like evil glitter. The last time I had encountered broken glass was at my disatrous18th birthday. I had suppressed the memory and concentrated on reaching through the jagged opening my rock had created and unlocking the door from the inside. It was a small miracle I didn't cut myself. The loud click of the lock interrupted the sound of my uneven breathing and the babbling stream nearby. I had held my breath as I swung the door open…
The feeling was like walking under water as I had stepped over the threshold into the dark stillness. It was empty. Just like me, it was hollow and left a shell of what it was. My slow steps had echoed around the empty house and pressed on my deaf ears. There was nothing. Despair had filled me and it still gripped my chest and heart now as I walked down the road with the night closing in on me. I guess I had hoped that it would be as I had last seen it, that I could sit on their beautiful couch and pretend he would walk in at any moment, sweep me up in his arms and tell me he loved me. But there was no couch, no anything and the idea of him still loving me was nothing more than a sick, self destructive fantasy. The chandeliers were gone and the ceilings looked empty, the carpet had been ripped up; the only thing left was dust. I was almost surprised that hadn't demolished the house to remove all trace of them. I wandered through the house that I used to think of as my second home but now held nothing but ghosts. Pointless questions swam through my head. Why couldn't he love me when he had been my everything? I don't know how I moved when I was collapsing on the inside but I somehow made it up the stairs and found myself outside his room. I knew it would be empty too, logically, I knew that but I had just wanted to be sure. What was going into his room going to do now? I was already here and already hurting so I opened the door.
I had swayed and almost fainted. I breathed in deeply and let the flood gates open. Yes it was empty but his room was still filled with his sweet scent. I had lain on the floor of his room all day and breathed in enough to make myself dizzy between choking sobs. Memories had not done his smell justice. I don't think I cried that much even when he first left me. I had thought of his words "It will be as if I never existed" many times and had been worried that he had spoken the truth. That I would forget him and walking through the front door had been my worst nightmare. When I had seen that it was empty it really was like he had never existed but his smell was still here. I knew now I wouldn't ever forget but it also confirmed that I would never stop hurting…
Eventually I cried myself to sleep only to wake up in the late afternoon and drag myself from the house. I dragged myself out of remembering my nightmare day and figured I was still half an hour from home. I looked at my watch through tear blurred eyes and saw it was way past my curfew. There was no point in even hurrying now; Charlie was going to gut me. I kicked at an innocent stone on the side of the road only to lose my balance and have my butt collide with the road.
I lay on the road and screamed at the sky. I didn't even care if a passing car ran over my head and frustrated tears formed at the corners of my eyes before I practically bruised my eye in an angry attempt to get rid of them.
"This is not supposed to be like this!" I yelled at myself.
My eye hurt, my hands hurt, my butt hurt and my heart hurt. Life sucked. Then I saw Charlie's cruiser pulling up.
"Great" I said quietly to myself before Charlie came running up to me.
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