Mommy McCoy: Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for all of the nice reviews! Writing the fics is already super rewarding, and reading all of your comments is the cherry on top =] Okay, let's begin where we left off:

"GET OFF OF ME!! I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MONKEY BAR!"

As he frantically shook the toddlers from his body, McCoy silently cursed everything and everyone in known existence. This could not be happening.

"I am going to close my eyes and count to three, and these children will be gone. I will not be mommy. All things will return to normal." he said out loud, squeezing his eyes shut. "1. 2. 3."

He opened his eyes to see a tiny Chekov fiddling with the buttons on the transporter and babbling happily in Russian. "Dammit."

McCoy sighed, knowing that he couldn't just pretend that the situation didn't exist. "All right," he told Scotty. "Let's bring them to the bridge. I'll try to fix their….condition there. And I figure you're in command, what with the captain and the first officer both compromised."

"We'll have to carry 'em," Scotty said, scooping up Uhura and Chekov. "Can you walk with me, Mr. Spock?"

The small Vulcan, who had been standing patiently beside the transporter, nodded.

McCoy sighed, slightly relieved. "At least the pointy-eared bast—" he stopped, silenced by a reprimanding glare from Scotty.

"They're children!" the engineer hissed.

"Fine. At least the pointy-eared Vulcan will listen to reason. Happy?"

He looked around. "Shit! Where's Jim?"

A sudden crash resounded from the hallway, answering his question. The doctor's eyes widened, and he sprinted out of the transporter room after the tow-headed toddler.

There's plenty of ways for a kid to get hurt around here! he thought frantically to himself. Wait—why am I worried for his safety.? Am I being…maternal?

The disturbing thought temporarily left his mind as he caught up to Jim. Grabbing the boy by the legs, he swung him over his shoulder. Kirk screamed angrily and beat his tiny fists against the doctor's back.

"Let me goooo!!!" he screamed.

McCoy did not honor the request until he had reached the bridge, where Scotty was waiting. Then he unceremoniously dumped the small boy down on the empty command chair.

"What the hell are we going to do with them?" McCoy said. He had half a mind to simply inject all of the tiny tots with his strongest tranquilizers and leave it at that. But they were just too damn...cute. And besides, the sickbay was hectic enough without the addition of four screaming toddlers who would undoubtedly destroy everything in sight.

"Mommy!" Uhura shrieked as she affixed himself firmly to the doctor's left leg. They were looking less cute by the second.

"For the last time, I am NOT your mommy!" McCoy bellowed. "Well?" he demanded, shaking the squirming little girl off of his calf. "What are we going to do?"

"I suppose they'll have to eat, " Scotty said, gazing down at the gaggle of children swarming the bridge. "What should we feed 'em?"

"Sedatives," McCoy said bitterly.

Kirk glanced up, apparently having heard something about food. "Mommy! I'm hungry. It's been a bajillion years since I had a snack!"

"I'm a doctor, not a den leader! I am not making them snacks!" McCoy thought.

"Actually," a cool voice interjected. Its flawless diction sounded utterly bizarre coming from a three-year-old. "It has been exactly twenty-two minutes and forty seconds since you last ingested an edible."

"Don't worry, Jimmy my boy," Scotty said cheerfully. "I'll make ye a sandwich. " He hurried off towards the galley. "Have fun with the kiddies, doctor!"

McCoy scowled. "Sulu! Here." He thrust a cooing Russian toddler at the helmsman. "He's your responsibility now."

"Um…okay." Hikaru Sulu did his best to look unfazed as he held the boy at arm's length.

"Ahh!! Teeckle!!" Chekov giggled.

Sulu grinned and plopped the ensign down behind his normal console. "Okay, Pavel, you're what—three? So tell me, what's the square root of 5,476?"

Chekov blinked his big blue eyes in thought. "Sewenty-four!"

McCoy smiled grimly. "That's one down," he thought to himself. "Now I just have to figure out what to do with the others…" His thoughts were interrupted by a loud sob.

"Mommy!" Uhura cried. "Spocky won't hold hands with me! He says I have cooties!"

"It is an established fact that the opposite gender of a pre-adolescent age must carry invisible sources of undesirable bacteria," Spock declared.

McCoy felt the vein in his left temple popping out. I can deal with medical emergencies. I can deal with vicious aliens. But I cannot deal with playground romance!

At that moment, Kirk chose to interrupt his thoughts, an interruption that did not alleviate the doctor's oncoming migraine.

"SPOCK AND UHURA, SITTING IN A TREE. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! " Kirk was quickly silenced by a flying shoe belonging to a very disgruntled baby lieutenant.

Scotty returned with a platter of sandwiches. "Eat up, laddies! And lass!"

Unrequited love temporarily forgotten, the toddlers flocked to the food.

"Scotty?" McCoy mumbled in a completely defeated voice. "Do me a favor, would you? I need bourbon. Make it a double."

~TBC~

Aww, poor McCoy! Don't worry, he's got lots more headaches yet to come! I know Uhura is kind of OOC, but making Bones deal with whining children is soo much fun. Major thanks to my lovely beta not_jackie, who puts up with my random e-mails that usually start with "omfg!! idea for crack!fic!!"

Review, por favor? *cheesy grin*