Forget pride, forget intelligence, forget common sense. When it comes to Draco Malfoy, I no longer possess any of those attributes. I used to hold myself to a higher standard than giving in to my tempations, but now I fear that I have no self-control left. The cocky Slytherin stole it from me, among many things. Ever since we began our secretive affair sometime during the Spring of fifth year, he's been invading my thoughts and making it almost impossible to spend much time with my friends. All I want to do when I'm around them is scream "I've been sleeping with Malfoy!"
For the obvious reasons, I cannot do that. I know that Ginny more than anyone senses that there is something very different about me, but whenever she asks if I'm doing alright, I have to lie. Tell her I haven't been feeling well, make her think I'm stressed about a difficult class, falsely explain a situation at home that's bothering me... anything and everything I can think of to keep her suspicions at bay. Harry and Ron don't seem to recognize how closed off I've become, but the fact that Ron has brought it upon himself to be flirty with me every now and then makes me sick. Not because of some vain reason, but because I know deep down inside that I'm already spoken for on some level.
Even though Draco and I have never called what we have a relationship or referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, I still know that he's all I want. And damn him if he doesn't feel the same! The constant thoughts of him and our secret meetings drive me crazy, so if he isn't experiencing the same dilemma, it simply isn't fair. Oh I know that I could easily stop all this and feel sane again just by telling him to bugger off, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I get close, my throat seemingly swells closed and I melt into his smoldering gray eyes. Lips too soft and passionate to push away, arms too strong around my waist to break free, sex too mind-blowing to go abstinent. It's a never-ending battle between my heart and my head, my ego and my lust. Damn him. Damn him straight to hell.