Title: Leave Out All The Rest
Author: Sky Samuelle
Spoilers: For 2.13 only
Summary: Sometimes it takes seeing your world to shatter before realizing which strings keep it together. A post 2.13 story about Chuck rediscovering the meaning of words like family, friendship, and love. An occasion for those around him to realize the impact he had on their lives and to stop his freefall into darkness .
Rating: For anyone
Pairings: Chuck/Blair , Nate/Vanessa, Georgina/Carter
PART TWO: FRIENDS
"This is not really about you, you know"He mutters resentfully at the shadow of his father dancing behind his closed eyelids. Bart Bass: a glaring, unfeeling ghost no more distant in death than he had been in life.
Everything around him is covered in sweat and alcohol, sheathed into a darkness too deep to be delved. He was filthy, wet, sticky. He felt the grim and it was disgusting, but it was just what he deserved. It was where he belonged, among the trash, covered in filth. Not in Blair's bed, in Blair's soft arms, surrounded by Blair's scent.
"This is about me, about the fact I somehow managed to off both of my parents without even meaning. I envy those who call themselves my friends for having that simplicity of mind they call goodness. I stole Blair and then I abandoned her, again and again, knowing it would hurt her. I Revelled in knowing that she was supposed to be Nathaniel's but she wanted to be mine instead. When it comes down to it,it doesn't matter what you really thought about me. You could not have loved something which reflected the very worst of you. I couldn't have loved someone who never let me to forget that I was a murderer."
And we were all what each other had.
Chuck laughs out loud at the thought, stretching the sound until his throat feels raw and his head thuds against the wall. What a fucking joke! He is shaking, his body eventually growing limp with exhaustion, slumping and sliding down an hard vertical surface he hasn't the sense or memory to recognize. He rubs his eyes until they hurts, wanting to erase that fucking image of an accusing, disapproving almost-stranger from his mind.
Bart has raised his son to think of himself as something so dark and destructive than it could only kill while coming into existence. Why should Bart's true, ultimate sentiments matter at all? It's too late to change.
"You won. I'm evil. Evilevilevilevilevilevilevilevilevil EVILEVIL EVILEVILEVILEVIL !"
The mantra becomes a scream.
Then Chuck Bass falls into a bottomless abyss, his senses flickering out one by one as he passes out.
"I've asked Jack to find him"
Lily announces over breakfast, milking her tea. She's composed and flawlessly coiffed, elegantly dressed in black to mirror a grief Eric now knows she doesn't feel. He doesn't look up at her while he butters up his toast, but he can't refrain from nodding.
There are matching dark circles under their eyes and perhaps it means something. Not enough, but something.
Eric is not been able to sleep since Chuck called. Bits of their short, vague conversation keep swirling in his head.
"It's not so much that I don't feel. It's that what I feel isn't worth a thing."
It's that bit his restless mind won't let go. He tries and tries to interpret it differently, but the unspoken meaning still sounds too much like ' I'm not worth a thing'. It scares him because he knows more than anyone where that way of thinking will bring you, and he can't think of Chuck Bass - larger than life, master puppeteer of Upper East Side, self-appointed big brother- coming to that.
There has to be something he can do.
'Chuck called. I'm worried. Can we meet?'
His fingers hesitate over the send button of his cell. Sending it to Blair suddenly feels wrong, like gloating over an empty victory. So he runs down the list of names and clicks on Nate instead.
Nate Archibald 's fascination with Brooklyn might mystify the most of his acquaintances, but its source is always been perfectly obvious to him and to those who really know him. There's a indefinable sense of freedom to be found by losing yourself in other people's lives, fading into the background of an unfamiliar environment. Inside, past the money and the glamour, the family scandals and the fashionable clothes, he remains a High Society child. At least here, none can see there's no solid ground under his feet, no sincere drive to propel his decisions.
Nate decides it must be how Chuck feels when he flees New York to lose himself in European capitals and exotic heavens.
The blond boy frowns, pale eyes glazed as he stares into his coffee cup. It's strange, finding himself worrying about his best friend 's whereabouts.
Usually, when Chuck falls into one of black moods, he pulls his solo disappearing act and returns collected, refreshed, once and again ready to tempt in ways you want be tempted, to say things too outrageous for you have thought it first, or things you thought but wouldn't have the gall to confess.
When they were kids, Nate remembers being drawn right away to that ever serious, pale little boy who seemed to have no problem being alone, and yet managed to shrug off everyone's attention without excessive interest when he caught it. Even when they were kids, Chuck was never been very sociable. Actually there had been a case of another child who had gotten bitten by the youngest Bass on the nose – on the nose! In front of everyone!- for introducing himself in the wrong way.
It was ironic that Georgina Sparks was the one to talk to him first, befriend him first. Nate remembers being envious of that, watching Serena to follow after her other brunette friend, while Blair held on his arm, holding him back, urging him to fear the new boy that would bite him too, if he dared to walk over with the girls .
Who would guess they'd end almost brothers?
They were always so different, but Chuck Bass' legendary independence and craftiness evoked a kind of envious fascination in a blonde, angel-faced boy who seemed to know better what he didn't want rather what he wanted .
In contrast, his best friend has always been so formidably headstrong, so unwavering certain of his position in the world that it made too easy to let him to talk you into anything, and all too natural to both admire him and resent him for it.
Nate often thought that his life would be a lot more enjoyable if only he could be a bit more like his surrogate brother. More free, less restrained.
With all his destructive tendencies, his faults on display, Chuck had always been noone but himself, not the product of an uptight, colourless upbringing.
Mind you, none of this means being his friend is a walk in the sunshine.
Chuck's guidance, you soon learnt, didn't come without a price. However tolerant and amused he could be of anyone else's character's flaws, he demanded to manage his issues by himself, to keep his motives and his tantrums unquestioned, his casual cruelty toward others ignored.
Nate always acquiesced because it seemed fair to concede his friends all the space they wanted, when they wanted. Not influencing their choices, the way you wished someone did not for you. Respecting their silences, not forcing conversations on unpleasant subjects.
It was fair- he frowns- and it's what a good friend would do.
So why, in a time of extreme necessity, would Chuck call Eric?
To apologize for his harshness at the funeral? Nah, Basses never apologized, they just made up for whatever wrong he committed and expected all was forgotten.
So why?
"That coffee must be awful"
Silently confused, Nate looks away from the black liquid and up in two striking, exotic green eyes. Vanessa 's smile is always vibrant, even while tempered with concern.
Concern for him- the thought warms him even while he realizes he doesn't deserve being the object of her complete attention. Vanessa is interesting , determined and ambitious without those qualities detracting from her fierce idealism. A concrete dreamer, reassuring but not clingy, who gives without asking for anything in return, only because this is where her feelings lead her to.
He admires her in a way he has only admired the other three members of the Unjudging Breakfast Club.
Who can tell if that is love?
Vanessa slides in the booth before his, her unmanicured hand reaching so her fingers can brush his. He smiles at her bright-green nail-polish, imagining how Chuck and Blair would raise their eyebrows eloquently at that, whereas Serena would look away from it, dismissing it with a glance.
It feels very nice to know Vanessa is his ( even if he can't be of much use to anyone else).
"The coffee is fine. I'm the one who is not very appreciative today."
"Oh, believe me, you are doing fine. If Dan dropped off the face of planet, I would have worked myself in a frenzy by now."
And for some reason, although he knows that is not her intention to question, her admission gets him defensive.
"The disappearing act is always been Chuck's favourite way to kill stress. We got used to it, I think. But this time…his father and he had a weird relationship. We never talked about it if not in jest and that makes it worse because I can't tell what it's happening in his thick head, but I can't just ask, because that's not what we do with Chuck when he's upset, unless you want tobe insulted into a pulp and ignored for a week or so. "
His breath is short by the end, and this is how Nate realizes he had just ranted in Vanessa's face. Her lips are discosed in a lovely O of surprise and the blaffed expression on her face would be comical in any other situation, in any other day.
"Wow. That was quite the tirade.'"
Nate shrugs it off with an easy smile, his eyes lowering to focus on her hand brushing his. It pleases him that Vanessa always seem to know what to do, but unlike Chuck or Blair she was never nowhere as pushy or authoritative. There's just this unpretentious, self-possessed strength about her which doesn't need to prove itself by assertion on other people. She had a way to comfort him in his confusion while leaving him free to direct himself where he saw to fit (except that one situation with Catherine, but he stopped holding onto that grudge).
Too bad that he has no idea what doing with that freedom.
"Perhaps I've been repressing a bit"
"You guess? "
The amused irony behind her reply nudges him to speak, to confide in her. It's easy to give in, and deep down he is pissed off with himself for his inability to never resolve anything on his own.
Once, he lived in this little ageless dimension where Serena and Blair and Chuck and himself were united and charged to take over the world. Blair and Chuck always being the driving force, somehow, with him too often star-struck by Serena and too many other things and Serena chasing every moment's euphoria in each imaginable form.
Now the past is more distant than it should to be, and they are all a bit older, more lost, drifting away from each other and toward unknown destination.
Magazines never said attaining maturity is so disorienting.
"Anything in particular pushed you today? You've been brooding since the second you came in "
Nate sighs, raising his gaze again to meet hers, largely grateful and only a teensy bit resentful for her perceptivity.
"Chuck called Eric last night, completely drunk and nearly-nonsensical. Eric called me because he got confused by something our prodigal son dropped on him before ending the phone call."
His brunette girlfriend tilts her head, her left hand curled under her chin. "Has he let on where he is hiding?"
"Nope. We haven't a clue. "
"At least he contacted someone. It has to mean he's getting better… that he's getting closer to come back. "
"You don't know that- Nate snaps, surprised at the bite he hears in his voice, and then he's breathing out more calmly –I'm used to him hopping on a plane and forgetting everyone when he needs to blow off some steam. But he never…ignored me like this. Even at the funeral, it was like he didn't see me at all. "
"You are nervous because he called Eric, and not you? "
The way she raises her eyebrows, moderate incredulity written over the creases of her mouth, is oddly reminiscent of Dan.
Put like that, it did sound petty and silly.
"It's weird" he concedes, even while not admitting anything. "This is my best friend and everyone knows how to help, except me. I give him space and he flees the country."
"You give him what you wish other people gave you"
Vanessa remarks and he nods "Maybe it wasn't what he needed "
"There's not really a safe and peaceful way to spare someone their grief, Nate."
"It's not that. Eric says Lily and Chuck argued before he left, blamed on each other of Bart's death. It was bad"
He pauses, taking in the way his girlfriend cringes when he tells her that. He's surprised of how much he appreciates that her sympathy isn't solely directed to him, but also at his best friend.
Most of people tend to not understand why Nate relies on Chuck so much… his reputation doesn't paint him as the most trustworthy guy and whole the affair with Blair didn't help. Nate doesn't care too much because, in the end, those people are nothing to him and he's nothing to them- especially since the Captain dragged the family name through the mud- , but it's easier being here and knowing that Vanessa genuinely –platonically-likes Chuck.
"Eric asked me if I thought Chuck might have believed her. If he had any…self-worth issues. "
Nate shakes his head, nearly amused, in spite of the situation, and then continues, a skewed smile on his lips. " I mean, it's Chuck. Self-proclaimed narcissist and the most vain person I know, except maybe Blair. And here he goes, getting drunk and calling the step-brother he has disowned to say that his own feelings aren't worth anything. Nearly apologizing."
Vanessa leans back, more attentive, steals swiftly his coffee cup and sips it nonchalantly.
"Personally, I thought his behaviour reeked auto-compensation. Com'n, even I saw the way his father spoke to him and it was the farthest from affectionate I could imagine even if I tried. Without even considering the issue of his mother, about which, I know, I'm not supposed to know, so we'll pretend Dan never mentioned to me- "
She stops abruptly when she notices the obvious confusion marring her boyfriend's boyish features, the frown suddenly creasing his eyebrows.
"You have no idea of what I'm talking about, do you? "
The frown becomes more pronounced as the blonde boy leans in toward her. "No. What has Dan to do with Chuck's mother anyway? The woman died in a plane crash before the Basses even came to New York. "
Vanessa takes a longer sip from his coffee cup, wishing she had kept her mouth shut. She hates betraying Dan's confidence like that, the idea of violating once more the Bass family privacy. But honestly, she expected Nate would know the story.
"Sometimes I think I open my mouth only to change foot" she mutters, sarcastically, knowing very well every choice she makes at this point is doomed to be wrong, On a hand, she has no right to interfere, on another, if knowing whole the truth might help Nate to help Chuck, she has no right to keep her silence.
"Vanessa-"
"I'm guessing none mentioned to you why Chuck was so hell-bent on humiliating Dan when you all visited Yale? "
"You mean there was a real reason?"
Nate' s cheeks flush a little when Vanessa throws him a odd glance in response at that.
"It's not my business, and Dan will rip a new one for nosing in, but I think it might help if you knew that Dan was trying to get a writer, Shapiro, to give him a recommendation for Yale. "
" I know that part, it was the week I was with my maternal grandparents? "
"Yes. What you don't know is that Shapiro asked Dan to write a story on Chuck. Getting inside his head first, to find out what made the bad guy of his novels so bad."
"It doesn't make much sense. I thought Dan was set on becoming a novelist, not a journalist."
"True. But apparently Shapiro is fixated on taking inspiration out of real life and Dan indulged him. Asking Chuck to guide him in a walk over the dark side… "
She trailed off, hoping to clear that expectant and slightly upset expression out of Nate' s visage.
"Why would have Chuck accepted? They don't like each other."
Actually Chuck doesn't like people much at all, but it felt wrong to add that now. Why had neither of the two boys involved mentioned anything to Nate?
"Boredom? Whatever the case, Dan managed to gain his trust long enough to spill something very personal-"
"and then he has learnt the truth" Nate finishes for her, resolutely. It makes more sense now, all the spite, the seemingly pointless ruthlessness. There was a score to settle. At the time, he had thought Chuck's action were motivated solely by his loathing for the proletarian class. The very same class Nate suspectedhe was meant to belong in, when he and his mother were a step away from losing everything.
His stomach churns unpleasantly when he realizes he never gave his friend the chance to explain his actions. Not like it would have made a difference. It was improbable that he would get the full story on whatever had really happened, but knowing Chuck's taste for grand-styled paybacks, the ordeal with Skull and Bones was getting off scot-free.
"So what's this secret?"
"Chuck's mother died in childbirth"
Evelyn Bass died giving birth to her only child.
Bart Bass possibly never forgave said child to have prematurely ended his beloved wife's life.
Nate and Blair sit in the Waldrof sitting room, contemplating these two very simple, very complicated revelations.
"I don't understand why he never told us the truth."
Nate states casually, just to break the uneasy silence. While it's easier to talk with Blair now they are bound by anything but familiarity and a tentative friendship, the current subject would make him uncomfortable enough even if his ex wasn't so focused on glaring at his feet. What is she thinking?
"Obviously he's ashamed" Blair snaps, with a tension he hopes it isn't directed to him.
"Dan is so going down when this is over" she continues, and Nate hides his relief. He nods at the sharp glance she directs his way, daring him to contradict her.
No maternal , protective instincts, huh?
"I didn't expect this level of hypocrisy."
"I did "
Still, Dan hardly even interests him now. The real problem is that Chuck needs being found and dealt with soon. Before he does any real damage to himself. If Nate tries to be honest with himself, he admits that his urgency is fuelled by guilt. There must to be too many things he never paid enough attention to, if his best friend would prefer confiding in someone he despises rather than him. Even while he seethes at the conjured image of Dan for being here with Chuck for the wrong reasons, he can't shy away from the shame of his own careless mistakes.
The circumstances must have made so much more humiliating for Chuck, being put in favour of a new aquaintace who had tricked him so unexpectedly.
It's an error Nate knows he has done before, in many different occasions. Perhaps he might say he has used the Humphreys too, because although he bestowed so much importance on their solidarity, respect and support, now that his life is back on its track the memory of time with each one of them has grown dull.
He is left feeling like he has betrayed throughout inactivity and inertia those who truly mattered, who were always there, who saw he wasn't much of a golden boy but still lingered around.
To his defence, he might say he has never suspected they could need him too.
Not Charles Bass, with his hell-can-care-attitude and his fierce coldness, his stark self-sufficiency and ability to talk for hours without saying anything.
Nate studies Blair as the brunette girl rubs her arms self-consciously, notices the faint lines of distress on her face. Her cool beauty has never warmed his blood like Serena's ineffable, sparkling light could, he is free to admit it now, but the burning determination and the inflexible strength behind it could have sustained him and drawn and aroused his envious respect for ages.
Watch them now, his best friend and his ex-girlfriend, polar opposites on their hard surfaces, equals in their ability to manipulate and stand on their own, so soft and defenceless to each other.
It gave him hope .
Blair tries to remain still to contain the agony spreading in her veins. So many emotions and thought fight for dominance in her head and heart than it's very difficult to focus on a single one and quiet it.
Relief- he hasn't left because I wasn't good enough to sooth his anguish. It's just that he hates himself.
Pain- he hates himself. He was raised to think of himself as some murdering monster.
Fear-Nobody is there to stop him from punishing himself.
Love- He has no idea of how unique he is. Might I show him, as he showed me?
Incredulity – a secret we never knew, and we were his friends. He didn't trust anyone enough to let them peek inside.
Anger- How did they dare? Stupid Bart and shallow Lily and silly herself for saying to him he wasn't human enough to be loved.
Determination- we won't allow him to drown. I'll show him I meant it.
And suddenly her mind is clean and quiet and she is wondering how it must to feel, growing up knowing your birth wasn't a blessing, but the one event your father would erase from history if he could, because even if he doesn't hate you, he loved your mother more.
She wonders about how ashamed he must be been, to tell his friends that his mother died in plane crash, that he didn't remember her rather than he never knew her.
She wonders how lonely, how strange it must have been, spending those early years of his life without a father and without a mother, no affection or company but the one the nurturing of a nanny could provide .
She finds herself sympathizing with his sociopathy- a trait of him she has always mocked before- and although she aches all over for his emptiness and his grief, she is glad to know the truth at least, because even if he is not here, she has never felt closer to anyone. She understands him now, and it shall be enough until they find him and convince him to let them love him.
Blair tucks a brown lock behind her ear, a new resolution taking form, and finally turns to Nate and huffs:
"We need getting together Serena and Eric and drag his ass back to NYC as soon as Jack finds him. We are going sit Chuck down and give him the lecture of his life. There's no way he will be able to resist the full gory glory of the Unjudging Breakfast Club if we ambush him as a group"
It's a simple strategy, but it wins over Nate immediately and unsurprisingly. "It sounds like a plan. "
The smile they share is not a happy one, but it connects them more deeply than the thousand casual ones they exchanged in past.
For once, they are on the same page. They can show one very stubborn Chuck Bass where he belongs, and they will succeed.