Chapter Two - Decision

Kagome lay still on the futon, staring into the wooden ceiling in the darkness of Kaede's hut. She had stayed over in the old miko's residence ever since… She could not return to her home, it had been a place she had shared with Inuyasha, and now it just felt empty and wrong and it hurt.

It was not the first time she was lying awake in the dead of the night. She had not been sleeping for several days.

Yet, tonight was different. This time, it was not the painful memories and her staggering loss that were stealing her sleep, but the puzzle called Sesshoumaru. Inuyasha had been the love of her life, and she had no intention to mate ever again – least of all with his older brother.

The notion was utterly absurd. For some reason, she could not really imagine the regal daiyoukai to take anyone as his mate – and yet he had come to ask her, right after his brother's funeral.

He was unbelievable!

Then again, she had never felt that she could understand the demon lord. At first he had tried to kill her, later he had saved her. When they had still been travelling and collecting the jewel shards, their paths had occasionally crossed. But all those times, she had mostly studied him from afar. They had not really stood side by side, until that final battle, and those dreadful moments when they had been trapped in the spider hanyou's body.

After she had come back through the well and mated Inuyasha…

Her thoughts scattered and there was that cold emptiness again, the one she tried to desperately ignore. She stared at the ceiling with listless eyes, suddenly feeling so tired. Yet, she struggled, trying to get back in control of herself, to will away the pain.

She closed her eyes, drew a quivering breath, and tried to focus. She felt the power course in her veins, cold as ice, seeking in vain for the familiar presence forever lost, for the piece of her soul that was no longer there.

Then, suddenly, she felt a dark pulse, coming from outside. Her powers latched on it, it was different but it was familiar, and somehow the sensation was soothing.

She opened her eyes and breathed a little easier.

Kagome rolled onto her side, curling up under the blanket.

She did not know if she was doing the right thing or making a mistake. But right now, she did not even care. In the state that she was, it was excruciating enough to live in the moment. Even taking everything day by day was a struggle, so she couldn't possibly fathom any far-reaching consequences at the moment.

For better or worse, her decision was made.

L-A-L

It was early in the morning; the sun was still climbing the sky. Kagome sat in seiza, on the cool green grass. She looked at the smooth white stone.

It still felt surreal, but she was trying to understand that it was really there.

That there was no going back.

I never thought it would come to this. You were supposed to be here, with me. What should I do now that I'm alone?

The stone before her stayed silent.

Her throat tightened. She slumped forward, falling to her hands and knees. Her fingers dug into the grass as she struggled to breathe.

It was too much. It was so overwhelming. She could not take it, she was too weak, too confused, too broken. As she knelt there, gasping for air, the world stood still. It was dead to her; it did not matter, not now that he was gone.

He was gone, and yet somehow expected her to go on.

And still the tears would not come, even though she had finally allowed the grief a full reign. The pain forced her on her knees, strangled her throat, stole her breath and crushed her heart.

After what felt like an eternity, she surfaced. The grief was once again under her control, the pain had dulled. But neither had gone anywhere, they still lurked in the dark corners of her soul, biding their time.

She slowly straightened herself, drawing back into a composed seiza, folding her arms into her lap. She prayed fervently in her mind, even though she could not force a single word out. Then, she lit incense and bowed in respect, before she stood up and turned around.

He was there, at the top of the stairs, watching her. She knew he had been standing there for a while. Her jaw clenched, and she forced her eyes to meet his appraising stare.

"Are you ready?" the daiyoukai asked in his deep voice. "Or do you still need more time?"

Kagome shook her head.

"I have decided," she replied apathetically, wondering if she ever truly had a choice in the matter.

"Then come. We have much to discuss."

Sesshoumaru turned and started to descend the stairs, back to the village.

She hesitated but a moment before she followed, her rigid back growing more aware of the grave she was walking away from with every step she took.

L-A-L

Sesshoumaru was surprised at the miko's strength. Sure she was haunted and stricken, confused and broken. Even if her mind had given up, her instincts were still struggling, clinging to life so desperately, though the miko was growing feebler every day. Still, she was doing surprisingly well.

The priestess had always been very… emotional. She wore her heart on her sleeve and she let her feelings run rampant.

His mother, on the other hand, had always been reserved, as suited a lady of her rank. She had emotions too, of course, but she kept them tightly under her control.

And then his father had died.

Sesshoumaru had been a teenager, but he would always remember that night. He had known even then that his parents had been a suitable match and had deeply cared for one another. But they had never been in love with each other. Still, that night, his calm, reserved mother had howled her grief to the skies, hour after hour. She had trashed her apartment and then lain in a boneless heap in the corner of her destroyed room for three weeks.

His regal, powerful mother had become a complete wreck after losing her mate. It was odd that in some sense, the miko was actually faring better. His composed mother had fallen apart, but the miko who usually let her emotions have a free reign now had brought them under her control. But then again, the priestess felt everything so keen and deep. Maybe she knew she wasn't ready to face all the sorrow yet, that she wasn't strong enough to defeat it in this moment.

Sesshoumaru's golden eyes bore into her, piercing, searching, assessing.

She was haunted and stricken, confused and broken. She had given up on life, had nothing left to keep her afloat. Still she sat there in front of him and held her head up, her dulled sapphire eyes meeting his gaze.

Even when she was so broken, her strength shone through.

That was really why he was drawn to her, why he had made his proposition.

She was the Shikon miko, one of a kind.

"You said we need to discuss," she spoke in that tired tone that didn't sound like hers. "A discussion would require you to speak, not sit there in silence and stare at me."

The corner of his lips quirked upwards.

"You have come to your decision?" he asked.

"I have."

"Do you consent to mate this Sesshoumaru?"

Silence followed the regal question. She studied him with those lifeless blue eyes. He could not tell what she was thinking.

"Yes," she said hoarsely. "I consent." She had nothing to lose. She had already lost everything.

He inclined his head, relaxing a little.

"Thank you," he told her. The words rather surprised her, as one of her eyebrows arched.

"So what now?" she questioned him.

"We will form the union and leave this village."

"How? I mean… with Inuyasha…" she paused, trying to swallow down the painful piece lodged in her throat.

He sat there, watching her patiently.

She wrestled the pain down again and managed to subdue it.

"When Inuyasha and I mated, it was during… Uh, we were…"

"For most it is easiest to bind yourself in spirit while being physically intimate. However, the physical intimacy is not necessary as long as you are in control of your powers and can form the bond as needed."

"Alright," she agreed tiredly.

"I must touch you, to establish a proper connection, but that touch does not need to be intimate."

"Very well," she muttered.

"You should be aware that while it is a mating, it is mainly a partnership I am suggesting to you. A mutual agreement of sorts. I do not offer you love, nor expect such sentiment from you. But I can give you my respect… and my friendship, if you will."

Kagome just nodded indifferently.

The miko didn't appear to care about what would happen to her, even after announcing that he would be taking her away from the village, she had not asked where they were going. Sesshoumaru really hoped that a change of scenery would do the priestess good. He sincerely wished the woman to regain her usual spirit, though he knew her recovery would take its time. The mating would secure her from physical threat; his energy would help to fuel her body despite its lack of food and sleep. But only she could overcome her broken heart.

"Come, your friends worry for you."

He stood up fluidly and offered her his hand. She looked at him dully but took it, allowing him to pull her up. She followed him out of the hut.

L-A-L

Miroku was sitting on the tatami, thinking back to the conversation yesterday and pondering the situation. Kagome had been visibly upset after Sesshoumaru had made his proposition, and she had quickly excused herself and went back to Kaede's hut where she had curled up on her futon.

He strongly felt that while Sesshoumaru had spoken true about why he wanted to mate Kagome, the daiyoukai had another, hidden motivation for pushing the union. But the monk could not even begin to guess what that motivation might be. They had remained allies even after defeating Naraku. The demon lord would come to the village every now and then to visit Rin, and on occasion had spent some time with his half-brother as well, even if the two of them had still fought more often than not. Perhaps it had become a habit, their only comfortable form of brotherly interaction. But despite the visits, they had always remained distant; the inudaiyoukai had always remained a mystery to everyone.

Miroku was not convinced that Sesshoumaru was a suitable match for Kagome. In fact, they were very mismatched. He was formal and collected, while Kagome was somewhat erratic and definitely on the clumsy side. He was so cold and withdrawn, whereas Kagome was friendly and open. He was a demon lord, she was a miko. He had been born centuries ago and she hailed far from the future.

Still, Rin was a living proof that Sesshoumaru indeed had a heart, hiding somewhere deep beneath his icy exterior. He was also mature, unlike his younger brother. And above all, the daiyoukai was honourable. That was the most important reason why Miroku was willing to entrust his friend to Sesshoumaru, he would not mistreat his mate.

He knew a mating between the two would be a gamble. But he was willing to take it for that small chance of it bringing Kagome back. To him it was quite clear that Kagome was already well on her way to wasting away before their very eyes. And at this point Miroku was ready to try anything to save his friend from that fate; he would even strike a deal with Naraku if that was what it took to snap Kagome out of her apathy. Seeing the miko so lifeless before him wrenched his heart every single time, almost as painfully as it had when he had found Inuyasha.

They were supposed to travel together, but he had been forced to stay behind. Sango and the twins had all fallen ill, something which Kagome had called a stomach bug. So Inuyasha had gone ahead, bound for the village that had requested their aid. Miroku had promised to set out a day or two later and had told the hanyou he'd catch up to him. Too late they had realised that the trip had coincided with the night of the new moon, and by the time Miroku had rushed after his friend it had already been too late. He had found him on the side of the road, highwaymen by the looks of it. They had taken the few belongings he had carried, even the Tessaiga. His undefeatable half demon companion was lying in the dirt, bloody and broken. The sunrise had not transformed his lifeless body. He had carried Inuyasha home on his back, his heart growing heavier with each step.

Inuyasha was already lost to him, and he mourned his passing and hoped the hanyou had at last found peace. He would not allow Kagome to be dragged down with her mate, however. She deserved better than that.

It was Rin's shout which snapped Miroku out of his deep and troubled thoughts. The moment there was movement at the door, her "Sesshoumaru-sama!" filled the quiet hut, although the greeting was stripped of its usual cheer. Kagome entered the house after Sesshoumaru.

Now the monk could once again sense the nervous tension in their crowded hut. The children were out, playing together with other kids of the village, but his wife, Kaede, Rin and Shippo were all there. The news of Sesshoumaru's intentions had spread, and everyone was anxious to hear the verdict.

And now the two of them had arrived at last.

Sesshoumaru seated himself on the tatami. Kagome followed in suit, sitting down next to him.

The silence in the hut was heavy and deafening. It stopped everyone from voicing the question they were begging to ask.

Kagome sat there, waiting for Sesshoumaru speak. He didn't. She glanced at the daiyoukai out of the corner of her eye, and found him staring at her expectantly.

He wanted her to tell everyone. In a way that made sense, after all they were her friends, but it still surprised her, because Sesshoumaru was the one who had waltzed in, taken control and told people what was to happen. Maybe now that he had got what he wanted, he was feeling more lenient towards her.

Kagome sighed and squared her shoulders, raising her gaze to meet her friends' questioning gazes.

"I suppose you are all aware that Sesshoumaru proposed to me," Kagome said tiredly.

Well, more or less. If a bold and arrogant statement of 'You should be my mate' counted as a proposal.

No one spoke, but Kagome could clearly feel the strained anticipation in the room.

"I have given him my consent."

Miroku quietly nodded his acceptance and Rin smiled at them excitedly.

Kaede didn't say anything, but the thin line of her lips was a clear sign of disapproval.

The rest were not afraid to be vocal with their opinions.

"What?!" Shippo shrieked in disbelief.

"Why?" Sango hissed.

Kagome's hands balled, squeezing the hem of her kimono. She felt tired and vexed, almost wishing that Sesshoumaru would step in again to take control of the situation. She did not like to be in the spotlight just now. She had known her friends would not understand and she doubted they would even if she tried to explain. It just was so bothersome and she really didn't want to deal with any of this. Not now.

But Sesshoumaru remained silent, seemingly content with her put on the spot.

"Because Sesshoumaru told me that it is what Inuyasha wanted. And I believe he's right. Out of all people, he asked Sesshoumaru to…" Kagome fell silent and lowered her eyes, staring hard at the tatami. The pain she was feeling flashed in the blue depths for just a second. "I can't stay here," she choked after a moment.

"That I can understand," Sango hurriedly assured her friend, feeling sad at seeing her so broken. "But I don't think making a lifetime commitment is the right answer."

"Yeah!" Shippo echoed, glaring at Sesshoumaru. "And with him! Why does it have to be him?!"

Kagome glanced at Sesshoumaru again. His expression was unreadable, but the aura around him was calm – almost soothing. She turned to look at her friends and shrugged.

"He needs me," she offered simply.

Miroku smiled slightly. That sounded almost like the normal Kagome, willing to do anything to help her friends as well as complete strangers.

"We need you!" Shippo protested, scowling. He was not at all happy about this development.

"No, Shippo-chan, you don't," Kagome sighed. "You're away most of the time in the kitsune school. Sango and Miroku, you have each other and your family. Kaede has Rin-chan to help her. There is nothing for me here anymore."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Sango said, her eyes swimming with unshed tears. "But I can accept that. Still I don't think you should rush into something like this."

"Sango, I'm tired," the miko pleaded with her broken voice. "Tired of being empty and alone. Feeling like a part of me is missing. You don't know what it feels like."

"I lost my whole family!" Sango said, her voice rising. The tears were now rolling down her cheeks. "How can you say that to me?"

"Because you were not bound to them with a bond so deep it takes a part of your soul to form it."

Sango's deep frown was a clear indication of her disagreement, but the taijiya just glared at her friend in silence.

Kagome's shoulders hunched in resignation. She drew herself up, her hands trembling.

"I don't care what you think," she said tonelessly. "The decision was mine and I have made it."

Kagome turned and left the hut.

The silence reigned again. It was heavy with tension, hurt and sadness.

Sesshoumaru sat still a while longer, his golden gaze assessing the people in the hut. The corner of his lip curled up in a small sneer.

"Even if you were upset over the miko's choice or believed she was making a mistake, challenging her decision shows an appalling lack of common sense," Sesshoumaru said coldly, speaking for the first time that evening.

Sango's eyes flashed in anger. This was why she could not accept it, that youkai arrogance, that insulting tone of his, that contempt in his ruthless golden eyes.

"Kagome deserves better," Sango spat, glaring at the daiyoukai.

"Indeed she does," the demon lord replied, returning her glare in full force. "She is a grieving widow, and you are her friend. Yet the only people here who supported her were Rin, the monk and I."

Sesshoumaru rose from the tatami and walked away, leaving behind a pained silence laced with guilt.

L-A-L

Kagome trekked down a path heading to the forest. She wanted to be alone, so going back to Kaede's hut was out of the question. She had made up her mind; she had told Sesshoumaru she would do it.

Kagome knew Inuyasha had wanted Sesshoumaru to look after her, that was partly why she had agreed to the daiyoukai's proposal. But she doubted that Inuyasha had intended her to actually mate his brother.

But then, maybe on some level he had known, maybe out of instinct or because he had at least suspected there would be some kind of pack obligation for his brother to take care of her. After all, he had gone to make his request to Sesshoumaru, and while their relationship had not been hostile for years, it had always remained distant. Miroku was one of Inuyasha's closest friends - he would have been an obvious first choice.

She was not sure if she was doing the right thing. Making such a big commitment, and with a person she did not really even know was very frightening.

But she needed to get away from this village. Sesshoumaru had been right in that, she could not stay here dwelling in the memories of happier days and allow her grief to take control.

And there was something in Sesshoumaru's proposal that had tempted her. He had offered her friendship. She would have a partner for a lifetime without ever having to fall in love again. Inuyasha had been the love of her life, and now that he was gone and her heart was broken, that feeling had been buried in her for good. Sesshoumaru had promised her respect and friendship, and Kagome had sensed that the demon lord had been sincere. He was intimidating and Kagome did not really know that well what kind of a person he was, but she knew that he had a gentler side underneath his cold exterior. It had briefly surfaced sometimes when she had seen him interact with Rin. They would learn to get along; with his lifespan they had plenty of time to do that.

Kagome stopped at the edge of the clearing. She had not been planning to come here; she had just wanted to walk a while to clear her head and to be alone. But it seemed her feet had automatically sought out the familiar path and now she was here where it all had started. Slowly, the pit of her stomach twisting painfully with each step, she walked across the clearing and stopped to stand in front of the huge tree.

She gazed up at the Goshinboku, her eyes fixating on the spot where he had been sealed.

She remembered that day so clearly even know. The wonder and fear, how ethereal Inuyasha had looked when pinned to the tree in his deep sleep, how the arrow had tingled the palm of her hand as she had pulled it out.

She also remembered the times she had passed by the tree at home at the shrine.

But they were both out of her reach now, the past and the future. She was stuck here in the nightmare that was the present. The loneliness overwhelmed her, and she raised her hand to touch the ancient tree, trying in vain to seek solace in its presence. It only brought her pain, memories she was not yet ready to face.

She could almost see him lying there, pinned down by the arrow. He had looked so otherworldly, so beckoning with those adorable ears.

He had appeared to be completely at peace.

She really hoped that he had found peace at last.

Her trembling fingers glided up to caress the pale scar on the ancient tree's rough bark.

"I miss you," she whispered into the dark night, her broken voice falling to the ears of the dead.