Chapter One

Six Weeks Earlier

Chakotay entered her quarters, bottle of wine he had picked up on a local planet in hand. She smiled as she saw it.

'I see someone hit up the market yesterday,' she commented.

'I even got some fresh ingredients to cook dinner with if you're free tomorrow evening,' he smiled, placing the wine on the already laid out table.

'Two nights in a row?' she questioned, taking a seat.

He knew it was going to sound too eager, although if he was honest he'd rather have dinner with her every night than eat what Neelix cooked up. As far as he was concerned it was replicator rations keeping them from doing that, not anything else.

'Nothing wrong with two senior officers debriefing over dinner after work each day,' he took a seat as he poured them each a glass.

She smiled. 'You had that one worked out already, didn't you?'

He shrugged in response, shooting her a smile rather than giving her a proper response.

Because while they were joking, it was a joke very much based in truth.

'Well, I could invite Tuvok over instead…'

'I'll be there, Commander,' she cut him off, picking up her glass. 'Cheers.'

'To good health and good fortune,' he held his glass up as well.

She laughed at him, leaning back in her seat. 'Good health is up to the Doctor. Good fortune is up to fate.'

'Perhaps,' he responded, leaning forward on the table. 'Or perhaps it's a state of mind.'

'How much of this wine did you drink before coming over here, Commander?' she joked.

He sighed inwardly.

He hated that, when she called him Commander outside of work related conversations. While he knew it was her way of keeping him at a distance, it ruined his ability to pretend like their weekly, or sometimes more frequent, dinners were anything more than just friendship.

'Kathryn, I can assure you that I would never drink such good quality wine without your company,' he shot back, taking a sip before putting it down on the table.

She smiled softly at the use of her first name. Somehow she still seemed surprised when he used it, like it wasn't a daily occurrence. A daily reminder of them having been stranded on New Earth more than two years earlier.

He had hoped after they returned to Voyager that things would be different between them, and they had in a way, but not in the way he had hoped. They were definitely closer, she didn't make any decisions without discussing them with him first, and they spent almost all their spare time together either on the holodeck or in one of their quarters.

If he didn't know better he'd be referring to it as a marriage without the sex.

'So what do you think of the Ki'jan then?' she asked, taking a bite of food.

He thought about it for a moment, watching her as she chewed, wondering how such a movement could ever be considered a turn on.

Clearly it had been too long since he had been with anyone.

And even longer since he had been with anyone he genuinely cared about…

'Chakotay?'

He smiled in response. 'Sorry, it's been a long day. They seem lovely and very willing to let us travel through their space, provided that we stick to their rules.'

She raised an eyebrow and he wasn't sure if it was his delayed response or the mention of rules that she was reacting to.

'Their rules?' she asked.

'We're only allowed to stop off at particular planets, we have to take the course they suggest and we have to have one of them on board the whole time,' he took a bite of his food, trying to distract himself from watching her.

'Interesting,' she muttered. 'Well, I'll trust your judgement, but I would like to meet this temporary resident before agreeing to allow them to stay.'

'That's what I told them,' he replied, smiling.

She returned the smile, then laughed quietly. 'Of course you did.'

Picking up her wine glass she took a large sip from it. He put his fork down, watching her, wondering exactly what thoughts she was trying to drown out with the alcohol.

'You know that's the real thing, not synthehol, it may be a little stronger than we're used to,' he laughed.

She placed the glass down on the table. 'Then you better drink faster, Commander, or you'll get left behind.'

He hesitated for a moment.

Was she…flirting?

Not wanting to look a gift-horse in the mouth he finished off his glass and poured them both another one. This time making sure they were poured slightly closer to the top.

She didn't make any comment on how full her glass was, but she did smile as she took the glass back.

'Is everything alright, Kathryn?' he wasn't sure why he asked it.

Just a feeling.

Something wasn't quite right.

Her subsequent sigh as she looked up at him confirmed his suspicions. Something was definitely going through her mind.

'I thought we might actually get home,' she said quietly. 'Just for a moment, but a moment was long enough for me to start imagining what that would be like, for everyone. I saw Tom reunited with Admiral Paris, introducing both his parents to B'Elanna. I imagined B'Elanna being horrified at meeting Tom's parents. I thought about Tuvok seeing his family again, how they would all refuse to show how happy it actually made them to see each other. I thought about introducing Seven to her aunt. Harry Kim returning to his parents' arms. How I could be happy that I had fixed my mistake before too much damage was done. That this would all be over for everyone.'

'And for yourself? What did you see?' he asked quietly.

He felt like she had purposely left out her feelings about what she would be returning to, having recently discovered that Mark had married someone else, and knowing her sister would demand she leave Starfleet before they lost her again.

He knew her excitement about getting home always had a lot more to do with righting her wrong than actually getting home.

Although he had a sneaking hope that there was one thing she was looking forward to…

'I saw myself taking my dog back from Mark,' she laughed.

'And then?' he asked softly.

'I'm not sure. I guess going home to see my mother,' she was avoiding looking him in the eye.

He watched her for a moment, trying to figure out if his suspicions were at all founded in possible reality, or if they were just his wishes that he was projecting onto her.

He knew better than to ask, but if she brought it up he wasn't going to let it go.

'And I guess it would mean I could allow myself some luxuries,' she took another sip of wine. 'Pursuing a relationship perhaps.'

He froze.

Oh she was going to bring that up?

He took a large swig of wine while he thought through his next move. He knew she had pushed the idea away many times, but perhaps all she needed was actual hope that she was returning home to really let the idea sink in.

Did he respond?

Yes.

Respond.

He placed the glass on the table.

'You know, you don't have to wait until you're home for that,' he spoke quietly, a soft smile playing on his lips.

She raised her eyes to meet his - curiosity, hope and fear playing some kind of game in them as she searched his eyes.

'Did you want dessert?' she asked. 'I've replicated a wonderful apple pie with ice cream.'

'Kathryn…'

His warning voice was lost on her as she made her way quickly over to the Replicator to avoid the topic she had brought up.

Taking a large sip of wine for encouragement, he followed her.

She seemed surprised when she turned to find him standing directly behind her.

'You can't bring it up and then run away,' he whispered.

She seemed frozen in place, the apple pie in her hands preventing either of them from getting any closer to each other.

He took the plate from her, placing the apple pie on the table, then turning around and taking her hands in his before she could run away again.

'Chakotay…' she whispered a warning, and he wasn't sure if it was to him or to herself.

'I don't understand,' he replied. 'You've obviously thought about it, you invite me over for private candlelit dinners, we spend most of our holodeck time together…'

'It's not about what I want,' she replied cautiously, although he felt her hands relax and her fingers lightly squeeze his. 'It's about compromising my position as Captain.'

'Then we make a promise to each other, the moment it begins to affect our work we call it off,' he replied.

She searched his eyes for a moment, trying to see through him. And then she laughed slightly.

'I never would have even consider this before meeting you,' she whispered, letting go of his hands to place one hand lightly on his chest.

'But?' he asked, hopeful.

He took her hand with both of his and softly brought it up to his lips, kissing it lightly to gauge a reaction from her.

She smiled, her eyes tearing up slightly, and the look was so familiar.

Then he remembered.

New Earth.

And all those feelings he had spent years trying to push away came flooding in at once and without even thinking about it he leaned in and kissed her. It took him a few moments to realise what he'd done, but before he could pull away he felt her hands snake behind his neck, pulling him closer, her lips hungrily kissing him back.

What was he doing?

What was she doing?

They both seemed to realise at the same moment what had happened and they sprung apart like an electric bolt had shocked them.

'My apologies, Captain,' he spoke hurriedly, trying to compose himself. 'That was entirely inappropriate of me…'

He wondered if he should leave.

Yes, he should definitely leave.

He looked at her.

She didn't look much like she wanted him to leave and he stopped.

'You haven't had dessert,' she said quietly, sitting back down at the table.

Really?

She wanted to sit down and finish dinner?

Well…she was in charge.

He sat down opposite her and watched as she cut him a slice of apple pie, putting it on his plate, avoiding his gaze.

He reached out and touched her hand lightly before she could take it away.

'Kathryn, do you want this?' he asked. 'Because I do, more than anything, but if you don't then I'll step back, I won't push it any further…'

She pulled her hand away from his slowly, then cut herself a piece of apple pie.

She was thinking.

But he had no idea what.

'If you want me to go…' he started again, the silence making him uncomfortable.

'We still have half a bottle of wine to finish off,' she cut him off.

Now he was confused. She didn't want to talk about it, but she wasn't going to let him go?

He watched her as she avoided making eye contact, her entire concentration focused on her apple pie consumption. And after a few moments he chuckled.

She looked up at him, confused.

'What?' she asked, a smile playing on the corners of her lips.

'Are we really going to pretend nothing just happened?' he asked, now that he had her attention.

She smiled softly, leaning back in her chair. 'Chakotay, I'm trying to process what just happened. But you're not going to leave it alone are you?'

'No,' he responded instantly. 'I don't want to leave it alone.'

She considered her next words carefully, looking him deliberately in the eye as she spoke.

'Good. Neither do I.'

'So where does that leave us?' he asked.

She didn't respond for a moment and he was afraid she was going to try and distract him with more apple pie. Instead she stood up.

'Computer, play Triste Coeur by Paul de Senneville,' she said quietly, holding out a hand to him.

He took it, surprised how beautiful the piano music was when it came on, and even more surprised when he thought about the translation of the title.

'You know your heart doesn't have to be sad,' he whispered as he pulled her closer to him and began to dance.

She looked up at him, smiling slightly. 'Convince me this is worth it, Chakotay.'

'I thought that's what I was doing,' he replied. 'I don't know what else you need me to convince you of…'

'I need to know I won't lose you,' she whispered, leaning her head against his chest as they swayed to the music.

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer, not quite understanding what she was saying.

'Kathryn, there's no one else I care for aboard this ship…' he said quietly. 'There's no one else in the universe I've ever cared for the way I care about you.'

She pulled back a little and looked up at him, surprised.

He narrowed his eyes at her.

'That's not what you meant…' he realised.

'No, but it was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me…' she responded softly.

'Then what?' he asked.

She smiled. 'There's someone you remind me of…'

She pulled away from him and he watched as she stood in front of the window, crossing her arms defensively across her chest, staring out at the stars.

'Oh?' he replied, unsure where she was going with this story.

'He died,' she said simply. 'Along with my father…'

She turned back to look at him.

He understood her fear all of a sudden.

'You're afraid I'll die,' he said quietly. 'But I could die anyway. At any moment. We all could. That's the risk of being in Starfleet.'

'And that's why I swore I would never fall for another Starfleet officer,' she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. 'And why I've tried so hard to push you away.'

He took a couple of steps towards her, placing his hands on her arms, reassuring her.

And he smiled.

'If it makes you feel better, technically I'm a Maquis Captain,' he joked.

It worked.

She laughed in response, then looked up at him again.

This time he saw the walls come down completely.

And he leaned in, kissing her again.

This time neither of them pulled away.