Lucy: I beg your pardon, Miss Dashwood, have I in anyway offended you?
Elinor: No, I apologize Miss Steele, it was simply a shock to hear that you are secretly engaged. Now if you'll excuse me…(Elinor exits the room, a large crash is heard) MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT TWO FACED LYING BASTARD ASSHOLE DIE!! (Elinor returns in the room) Yes, so where were we?
Lucy: I was saying that I've been engaged these four, almost five, years to Mr Ferrars.
Elinor: (aside) Oh, Mr Ferrars, why have you broken my heart this way?
Lucy: I truly want to marry him, but his family would never allow it…
Elinor: (aside) Not only have you broken my heart, but now I am forced to suffer the company of this friggin Miss Steele!
Lucy: Indeed, I want so badly for him not to lose his inheritance…
Elinor: (aside) And yet, would Mr Ferrars truly become engaged to such an annoying skank?
Lucy: I must first figure out how to make his family like me, and then we can reveal our engagement, and he's still rich!
Elinor: (aside) He must have become engaged to Miss Steele when he was very young, and incredibly stupid! That is the only explanation. And now, because he is so upright and noble, and also incapable of spitting out more than two sentences at a time, he is entrapped in this relationship! But I shall not let my sensibility persuade me to poison Mr Ferrars to Miss Steele, and instead keep mum on the whole sordid business.
Narrator: And Miss Dashwood was true to her word, and tried to keep her feelings hidden. Yet Miss Steele could still notice an anxiety behind her, which she found suspicious.
(another day, at Barton Park)
Lucy: Hello Miss Dashwood.
Elinor: Hello you homewrecking slut! I mean, how do you do?
Lucy: A while back you told me you are not a lesbian, is this right?
Elinor: Uh-huh…
Lucy: Tell me the truth – do you have feelings for Mr Ferrars?
Elinor: Of course not!
Lucy: LIAR!
Elinor: (sigh) Yes, you're right Miss Steele. I…am a lesbian.
Lucy: Oh thank goodness. Not that I at all approve of that despicable lifestyle, but as long as your hands don't touch my man, I don't care if they touch ten million women!
Elinor: Not revealing my feelings and passing utter humiliation is worth it, so long as the jerk who toyed with my heart gets to marry Miss Steele, or, something like that..
Narrator: When autumn was closing in, Mrs Jennings invited Miss Dashwood, Miss Marianne and about twelve thousand other people to spend the winter at her London home. This was truly shocking surprise for both sisters, and rather convenient, considering every man they had ever met or heard of was now in London as well.
(at the London home of Mrs Jennings)
Marianne: I simply do not understand it! I have sent Mr Willoughby nine letters every single day, each enclosed with a lock of my hair and a vial of my blood, and yet still he will not come to call on me!
Elinor: Well, Miss Dashwood, have you ever considered perhaps, you know, going to visit his house yourself? Surely it is a better alternative to your present course, which is leading you only to heartbreak and baldness.
Marianne: If he truly loved me, I would not have to visit him!
Elinor: Perhaps he is thinking in the same manner?
Marianne: SHUT UP! I DETEST YOUR GOOD SENSE!
Jennings: I trust you two are getting ready for the party? I shall find you husbands there, I swear! Be sure to wear something that shows off your T 'n A!
(At the party that evening)
Elinor: Let me make sure I remember the dance moves correctly – turn to the left, grab your partner, hop twice, semi-circle, dip, trade partners, join in the circle, clap hands, put your left leg in, twirl, leap thrice, grab your partner's other hand, switch partners, gyrate, backflip and clap.
Marianne: No, no, no! It's turn to the left, bow, step forward, semi-circle, dip, twirl, swing around, clap hands, put your left leg in, twist, rotate, grab your partner's other hand, switch partners, slide, stand on one leg and THEN clap.
Elinor: Of course, how silly of me.
Marianne: (notices Willoughby on the other side of the room) Oh my. Stay cool Miss Dashwood – MR WILLOUGHBY!! (whistles) MR WILLOUGHBY!! (waving) HELLOOOO!! MR WILLOUGHBY! I'M HERE! IT'S ME! MISS DASHWOOD! CAN'T YOU SEE ME! I'M WAVING! MR WILLOUGH-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Willoughby: Oh shit.
Marianne: STAY RIGHT THERE MR WILLOUGHBY! I'M COMING! (runs toward him) GET OUT OF MY WAY! MOVE PEOPLE! MY TRUE LOVE IS HERE! I SAID GET OUT OF MY WAAAY! (pushes an elderly lady out of her way, sending her crashing out of a window) (approaches Willoughby) MR WILLOUGHBY! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU MR WILLOUGHBY! TOUCH ME, KISS ME, CARRESS MY BODY! OOOH MR WILLOUGHBY!! (clings her arms around Willoughby and starts licking his face)
Willoughby: Yes, pleasure to see you again Miss Dashwood. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home (attempts to run away. Marianne grabs onto his legs)
Marianne: NO MR WILLOUGHBY! DON'T BE SO COLD TO ME! I LOVE YOU MR WILLOUGHBY! MR WILLOUGHBY, NO, NO, DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T LEAVE ME! I NEEEED YOU MR WILLOUGHBY! OH HOW I NEEEED YOU!!
Willoughby: (shakes Marianne off his legs and runs away)
Marianne: WELL, YOU CAN GO, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY DIGNITY!!
Elinor: Of course he can't take it, you throw it away ages ago.
Marianne: (sobbing uncontrollably) WAAAAAH!! WAAAAH!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME, MR WILLOUGHBY?!
Elinor: Come now, Miss Dashwood, let us away back home.
(Elinor leads Marianne out, as the party goers stare at them. As they head outside, Marianne is still crying, as they pass the elderly lady on the floor, severely injured)
Woman: Haha, LOSER!
another day, the London home of Jennings
Elinor: Miss Dashwood, a letter just arrived for you.
Marianne: (gasp) It is from Mr Willoughby! He must be writing to apologize for that awful scene he put up at the party the other day.
Elinor: (dryly) Yes, that must be it…
Marianne: What's this? Dear Miss Dashwood, it is my regretful duty to inform you that I am engaged to be married to Miss Grey. I also feel it necessary to inform you that Miss Grey is richer, of a higher class, and overall much better than you. Sincerely yours, Mr Willoughby. I see. AAAAHHHH!!
Elinor: But, mother and I thought that you and Mr Willoughby were engaged?
Marianne: I don't see why that's an appropriate question for right now, but no. He made no promise to me. He led me on! AAAAHHHH!!
Elinor: I really should invest in earplugs one of these days.
Narrator: And Marianne was so heartbroken that she spent all her time in bed, crying. But as she did not work, or contribute to society in any form whatsoever, this did not really make much of a difference. Some time later, Colonel Brandon came to visit Miss Elinor.
Brandon: Miss Dashwood, I feel it necessary, for your sister's sake, to inform you of a most unsettling secret that lies between Mr Willoughby and me. A most horrid, shocking, vile, disgusting secret. A secret of hidden passions, wild lusts, animalistic urges that led to the greatest depravity imaginable!
Elinor: Come now, Colonel Brandon, I am a very open-minded person. And whatever you and Mr Willoughby do behind closed doors is nobody's business –
Brandon: Wrong. Look lesbo, just because you drive on the other side of the street doesn't mean we all do!
Elinor: Have you been talking with Miss Steele?
Brandon: That is besides the point. Look, to get back on topic, twenty years ago I fell in love with a woman named Miss Williams.
Elinor: Huh?
Brandon: Trust me, this is going somewhere. Now, Miss Williams reminds me a lot of Miss Marianne.
Elinor: Wait, so you're saying you have the hots for my sisters just because she looks like your old girlfriend.
Brandon: Yes. Anyway, Miss Williams was arranged to marry my older brother, and so I was sent off to the army.
Elinor: OF COURSE! This explains everything! You were in the army – and that's why they call you Colonel! Well thank you, this has been most enlightening.
Brandon: Please shut up until I'm finished. When I returned from the army, Miss Williams was so miserable with her arranged marriage that she had run away and become a prostitute. By the time I found her, she was dying for some reason or another. However, she left an illegitimate daughter, named Miss Eliza. She became my ward, and as time went by, she grew up, rebellious. She disappeared, and only recently have I discovered her. She is with child, abandoned by the father.
Elinor: Right, now, what has this to do with Mr Willoughby?
Brandon: Are you actually the sense side of the title? Mr Willoughby IS the father of Miss Eliza's child.
Elinor: Well, I must say, it certainly is relieving to know that at least my sister has waaay huger man troubles than I do.
(next scene: the Ferrars house)
Lucy: Oh, I am so happy here, thank you ever so much for inviting me!
Fanny: Do not mention it dear, it is so lovely to have the Miss Steeles here.
Lucy: Thank you ever so much Mrs Dashwood. Did I ever tell you that you are the most beautiful creature on the face of the earth?
Fanny: Indeed you have, but do not allow that to stop you from repeating it often.
Mrs Ferrars: More tea, Miss Steele?
Lucy: No thank you, Mrs Ferrars. You look tense, would you like a massage?
Mrs Ferrars: No thank you, dear, the one you gave me yesterday will suffice for now.
Lucy: Well, is there not anything I can do to repay you for the great hospitality you have shown me?
Mrs Ferrars: Now that you mention it, we are presently out of toilet paper, and I need to do number two. Would you mind coming to the washroom and licking my asshole clean when I am finished?
Lucy: It would be my honour, my privilege, my undying joy, to allow me tongue to touch such a divine person's fecal matter.
Anne: Dear Lord, sister, are you planning on marrying Mr Ferrars or Mrs Ferrars?!
Fanny: … WHAT?!
Anne: Er…
Fanny: AAAAAHHHHH!! DIE! DIE YOU MISERABLE SLUTS! YOU EVIL WICKED SLUTS! (kicks over table) GET OUT! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! YOU COCKSUCKING SATANIST BROTHER SEDUCING WHORE!
Lucy: But Mrs Dashwood!
(Fanny grabs a portrait from the wall and smashes it over Lucy's head, and pushes her into a bookcase that collapses on top of Lucy. She then turns to Anne, grabs her by the hair, and lifts her over her head, swinging Anne by her hair, and sends her flying into the wall.)
Fanny: LEAVE! LEAVE THIS PLACE AND NEVER RETURN! MY BROTHER SHALL NEVER MARRY SUCH COMMON TRASH! AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SEMEN STAINED SOULS!
(Fanny grabs a match, lights the edge of Lucy's skirt on fire, which causes Lucy to start screaming and running as she goes up in flames. As she is running, Fanny opens the door, allowing Lucy to run out of it, and closes the door promptly behind her.)
Fanny: AAAAHHHHH!! Ok, ok, I'm better now. Thank God that is behind us. (notices Anne still on the ground, bleeding severely). Would you mind please VACATING THE PREMISES?!
(Anne quickly runs away).
Mrs Ferrars: Son, is this true?
Fanny: Yes, perhaps I should have started by asking that…
Edward: I cannot deny it, mother. I am engaged to Miss Steele.
Mrs Ferrars: Well, we cannot allow you to marry her. She has no money, and, well, I forget exactly why that's a problem, but it is!
Edward: I'm sorry, I cannot end my engagement, no matter how irritatingly stupid she may be, I made a promise when I was a teenager, and it is only honourable to be bound by that promise for all eternity.
Mrs Ferrars: Oh, well, that's no problem.
Edward: You are taking this far better than I feared.
Mrs Ferrars: Yes. Son, pack your things, you're leaving this house forever. You are here now completely disinherited; all of my money shall go to your brother. In fact, to be extra careful, I think I'll just hand over the money now. You never know what might happen when you're dead.
Edward: But I shall have nowhere to stay. I shall have no money in the world!
Mr Robert Ferrars: Oh boy! I'm rich! Woo-hoo!
some days later, the London home of Mrs Jennings
Jennings: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OOH MY GOOOD!
Elinor: What is it?
Jennings: Hold on, a moment of such magnitude deserves an extra exclamation – OH MY GOD! Ok, here's the deal. Mr Ferrars is engaged to Miss Steele and his mother totally kicked him out and disinherited him! Well, if you excuse me, I have to go tell this to everyone else in London.
Marianne: Holy crap! Can you believe this?
Elinor: Oh Marianne, I know for months! But I was bound by my honour not to tell anyone!
Marianne: But why did you not tell me?
Elinor: Because, I refuse to be ruled by my sensibilities as you have been.
Marianne: But, why did Mr Ferrars lead you on?
Elinor: Oh, he got engaged when he was young, and is bound to her now.
Marianne: He is most honourable to keep his promise, even though you have a way better butt than she does.
Narrator: And the news of Mr Ferrars' secret engagement spread throughout London, and it became known that Mr Ferrars planned to take holy orders to earn his living. One day, Colonel Brandon met with Miss Elinor.
Brandon: I hear that your brother-in-law, Mr Ferrars, has been disinherited because of his choice in marriage. Well, I know very well the heartbreak that an unhappy marriage can result in. Twenty years ago, I fell in love with a woman who was arranged for my brother…
Elinor: Er, Colonel Brandon, you already told me this story.
Brandon: Did I? Well, I am starting to lose my memory.
Elinor: I'll say. You also forgot to put in your dentures.
Brandon: Be that as it may, my point is. Um, what were we discussing?
Elinor: Mr Ferrars?
Brandon: Yes. Well, it just so happens that I can offer him his very own parish, in Delaford, next to Meryton and Mansfield, two hours from Highbury and Bath, and not anywhere near Uppercross Hall. I hope you can deliver this message to him.
Elinor: Oh cruel fate! Oh irony of ironies! I, Mr Ferrars true love, must bring the message to him that will allow him to marry another! If it were not for my detestation of sensibility, I would refuse such a task. But so be it.
on the way to see Edward, a London road
Elinor: Excuse me, sir, but is this the Ferrars residence.
Robert: Indeed it is. And who are you?
Elinor: Miss Dashwood.
Robert: And I am Mr Ferrars. I am quite content, my older brother has been completely been cut off from the family, and now I'm rich! Isn't this simply marvellous!
Elinor: Riiight.
some time later
Elinor: I am so utterly miserable.
Marianne: I too am so utterly miserable.
Jennings: My daughter, Mrs Palmer, is heading back to her home, do you want to travel with her and get halfway back home?
Elinor: I suppose.
Jennings: Oh splendid. Now I can finally hold that swinger party I've been craving.
in a carriage
Mrs Palmer: And it is ever so lovely to have you two accompanying us. I simply love you two. I love your dress. I love your hair. I love everything. The sky is so pretty. Oh look, that cloud is shaped like a dove. Have you seen my baby? Isn't he a most beautiful baby? I am so happy. Are you happy Mr Palmer?
Mr Palmer: Somebody kill me.
Charlotte: I am ever so pleased. And we shall arrive at our home in fifty-eight minutes. Oh, now it's fifty-seven. I shall alert you when it's fifty-six. Oh, what a beautiful little baby I have. And Miss Dashwood, such a lovely dress. La la la. I love you baby. I love you Miss Elinor, and Miss Marianne. I love you Mr Palmer.
Palmer: Why won't anybody kill me?!
Charlotte: And you two can stay with us until you're ready to go back home. You live in Devonshire, do you not? I simply love Devonshire. Devonshire is lovely. Indeed. And is your mother well? I hope so. Are you well, baby? Are you both well, Miss Dashwood and Miss Dashwood? Are you well Mr Palmer.
Palmer: All day, every day, I have to listen to this. And at night. She talks in her sleep?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME LORD! KILL ME! KILL ME!
Charlotte: Oh, I love you too, Mr Palmer!
Narrator: And they arrived at the Palmer's home in Cleveland.
Marianne: I am so utterly miserable.
Elinor: What, STILL?
Marianne: And in an act of defiance towards all good sense, I will prove how miserable I am by walking around in the cold rain for no reason…ACHOOO! I'm sick!
Brandon: Never fear, Miss Dashwood, I am here!
Marianne: Oh, whatever. (passes out)
Elinor: She is very ill. Please Brandon, go get out mother!
Brandon: Do this, do that, yeesh, you're lucky she's hot…
exit Brandon. Enter Willoughby
Elinor: MR WILLOUGHBY!
Willoughby: Oh, don't start THAT again.
Elinor: What are you doing here?
Willoughby: I believe that there is some explanation in order for my behaviour, and since Miss Marianne is ill, I guess you'll do. See, when my Aunt discovered what I had done to Miss Williams, she disinherited me, and so I had to marry Miss Grey, cause, you know, she's rich.
Elinor: And I care why?
Willoughby: I thought it necessary to say that in spite of everything, I truly loved Miss Marianne, and am sorry for having to break her heart. She was so hot, but you know –
Elinor: Oh Mr Willoughby. I was so angry at you breaking my sister's heart that I hardly stopped to consider how bad it might make you feel to be ploughing a woman every night to whom you do not feel an attachment. I shall tell Marianne all of this in full.
Willoughby: Thank you.
Elinor: Yes…NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE, JERKFACE! Sorry, I really needed to say that.
meanwhile, a carriage en route from Devonshire to Cleveland
Brandon: Mrs Dashwood, I must tell you something.
Mary: Yes?
Brandon: I love –
Mary: ME?! Oh, yes, I know it's only been a few months since Mr Dashwood died, but I will marry you!
Brandon: Not you, you disgusting old hag. Miss Marianne.
Mary: OH SNAP!