July 7, 1985
Overseeing Physician: Dr. P. McJohn
Referring Supervisor: William Melrose
Patient: Amanda King
Background: The patient resigned precipitously from the Agency on May 2, 1985, following a case in which she felt compelled to terminate a suspect, one Jim Brady. The patient's former partner, Lee Stetson, re-established contact with the patient after two months and noticed a marked deterioration in her physical and emotional well-being. Upon consultation with her former supervisor, William Melrose, Mr. Stetson recommended the patient for psychological analysis, as her condition related directly to her work at the Agency.
Initial Observations: The patient appears to be in poor to middling physical health and is exhibiting symptoms of malnutrition. She is able to identify her surroundings and seems lucid. Pupils respond naturally to light and patient states she is not currently taking any prescription medications, nor is she under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Patient's behaviour is moderately calm, although she exhibits occasional signs of agitation such as clasping of hands, pulling on necklace, etc.
The following is a typed transcript of the 30 minute session I conducted with Mrs. King on the above-noted date.
P: Hello, Amanda. Thank you for coming to see me today.
AK: Hello, doctor. Thank you very much for seeing me.
P: Can you tell me why you're here?
AK: Well, Lee, that is, Agent Stetson, thinks I need to talk to someone. To a professional like yourself. Because …. because I'm having some trouble dealing with … some things that I've done recently.
P: You say Agent Stetson thinks you should be here. Do you agree with him?
AK: Yes. Well, yes. I tried …. that is, I did my best to sort through things on my own, but I wasn't able to. And Lee and Mr. Melrose were both so insistent that I should come speak to you, even though I don't work at the Agency anymore …
P: Why don't you work at the Agency anymore, Amanda?
AK: I quit. About nine weeks' ago.
P: Why did you quit?
AK: I … did something awful. Something I knew would disappoint … my superiors. So I quit.
P: Alright, we'll get back to that point in a little while, but first I want to understand your motivation for being here today. Are you simply here because Agent Stetson and Mr. Melrose think you should be here? Or are you here for yourself as well?
AK: *silence*
P: I ask, because it's been my observation that patients who come to me for help because they are trying to please others very rarely find the answers they need. Whereas patients who are here because they acknowledge their own need for help often do.
AK: I want to feel better. The last two months of my life have been a living hell, and I need to find a way to get better, for those who … care about me, and for myself as well.
P: Very good, Amanda. I'm happy to hear it. Now, you mentioned that something that happened nine weeks' ago caused you to quit the Agency and started this "living hell" that you refer to. Can you tell me a bit about happened? Only as much as you feel comfortable sharing.
AK: Well, um, I was approached by a man who said he had information vital to Agent Stetson's safety. When I met with him, he tried to blackmail me into divulging vital national security information. He said he would … that he would kill Agent Stetson if I didn't comply.
P: Alright, let's stop there for a minute. Is this the first time that Agent Stetson's life has been in danger?
AK: *laughs* No. Hardly. As an intelligence operative, his life is in danger almost every day. But it's the first time that I've been asked to make the decision whether he lived or died.
P: Really, Amanda? I find that surprising. You'd been his partner for almost two years. I'm certain your actions have saved his life before, whether you realize it or not.
AK: Well, maybe you're right. But this was the first time I had to … do something I always said I'd never do in order to save him.
P: Are you able to tell me what that something was?
AK: I …. I killed him. I killed the man who was threatening Lee.
P: That must have been very difficult.
AK: No. You see? That's the problem. It wasn't difficult at all. I always imagined that it would be. But when the time came, it was so easy to pull the trigger. I never knew myself until that moment. And I don't like who I saw.
P: Alright, let's step away from that issue for the moment. I understand that you have children, Amanda.
AK: Yes. Philip and Jamie. They're 11 and 9.
P: And I imagine that, like most mothers, you would do anything for your sons.
AK: Of course.
P: If their lives were in danger, do you think you would kill to protect them?
AK: Yes, if I felt I had no other choice.
P: And do you think that they would feel disappointed in you, if you did?
AK: Well, no. No, I guess not. I'd worry about what sort of example I'd be setting for them, but I think if I could make them understand that I had no other choice to protect them, that they would understand.
P: And Agent Stetson is, as you say, an experienced intelligence operative. Whose life is in danger on a regular basis.
AK: Yes …
P: So I'm interested in knowing why you feel he would be disappointed in your actions, when you've just explained why your young children would understand your motivation in similar circumstances. And Agent Stetson is trained to operate in circumstances such as the one you were in.
AK: I … I don't know if I can explain.
P: Please try, Amanda. I understand that this may be difficult, but I'm not here to judge. Nothing you say need ever leave this room, if you wish me to place a seal on this interview session. But I think it's important to be honest with yourself, in order to heal.
AK: Alright. I guess … maybe it's because of who I think Agent Stetson needs me to be. I've always been the calm to his impetuous. It's what makes … made us work so well as partners. But if I can kill a suspect in cold blood …
P: You don't think Agent Stetson needs a partner who can protect him from danger?
AK: No … I mean, yes. I don't know. I just know that I felt I was no longer the person he … admired. That if I was like all the other agents he'd worked with before, that he … wouldn't need me anymore.
P: Did you give Agent Stetson the chance to tell you if that was how he felt?
AK: No. I couldn't. I was so upset, and I knew that if he reacted badly, that I wouldn't be able to cope with that as well. So I left. I ruined our partnership when I ran away. I know that's what I did. But at the time it seemed like a better option than Lee no longer thinking well of me. That's funny, isn't it? That it was better for me never to see him again than for him to think less of me.
P: It's obvious that his good opinion is very important to you. But it's also obvious that you don't trust him.
AK: What?! No! I trust Lee completely. There's no-one in the world I trust more.
P: But you didn't trust him enough to make up his own mind regarding whether your actions changed his opinion of who you are. You obviously know him very well, after being partners for as long as you have. And yet you rushed to judgment on his behalf.
AK: *silence*
P: Amanda, our thirty minutes are almost up. But I've got some homework for you.
AK: Okay.
P: I want you to talk to Agent Stetson. To give him a chance to tell you how he feels about your actions in the Jim Brady case.
AK: I don't know …
P: Give it a try, Amanda. I think he may surprise you.
AK: Alright. Thank you.
July 9, 1985
Overseeing Physician: Dr. P. McJohn
Referring Supervisor: self-referred
Patient: Lee Stetson
Background: The patient has been a field agent with the Agency for over eleven years, with numerous commendations. The patient is an orphan, having lost his parents at the age of five. In 1981, the patient's former partner, Jack Rabellino, was killed in the line of duty and the patient was placed on a mandatory six week psych leave. The patient's new partner, Amanda King, resigned precipitously from the Agency on May 2, 1985, following a case in which Mrs. King killed a suspect, one Jim Brady. The patient's supervisor, William Melrose, expressed concerns about the patient's mental health following Mrs. King's departure, but did not recommend mandatory treatment. The patient approached this office independently, after re-establishing contact with Mrs. King, and requested evaluation.
Initial Observations: The patient appears uncomfortable and has refused to sit or lie down, preferring to pace. The patient has a known aversion to medical treatment of any kind. He is in excellent physical condition, and is well-groomed and well-dressed, indicating a good overall state of mental health.
The following is a typed transcript of the 30 minute session I conducted with Agent Stetson on the above-noted date.
P: Thank you for being here today, Agent Stetson. Or do you prefer Lee?
LS: Agent Stetson or Scarecrow are both fine.
P: Very well. You requested this session, so why don't you start with telling me why you're here?
LS: As you undoubtedly know, my partner, Amanda King, resigned several weeks ago. I … didn't handle it well.
P: In what way didn't you handle it well?
LS: *laughs* Let's just say I went on an eight week bender and leave it at that.
P: And was that unusual behaviour for you?
LS: Recently? Yes.
P: What do you think motivated it?
LS: Amanda's departure.
P: Yes, we've covered that part. But what about Mrs. King's departure caused you to react in the way that you did?
LS: I guess … that I couldn't understand the reason for it. And she refused to talk to me. I found out about her quitting from Agent Desmond, of all people. She ran into me in the hallway, before Billy could talk to me. She couldn't quite hide her delight that Amanda had finally seen sense and dumped my ass.
P: You sound angry.
LS: I am. I was.
P: At Amanda?
LS: I don't know. Probably. But mostly at myself.
P: Why would you be angry at yourself? You weren't aware of the situation with Jim Brady at this point, I believe.
LS: No, I wasn't. And maybe that's part of it. That my partner was in distress, and I didn't pick up on it until it was too late. I'm supposed to be trained to notice those things, you know?
P: Alright. If that was a part of it, what was the rest?
LS: *silence*
P: Agent Stetson, you requested this session. It's only going to be of value to you if you answer my questions honestly.
LS: Yeah. I know. I'm not very good at introspection.
P: On the contrary, I think you're probably very good at it. It's probably the part where you share your thoughts with others that you're not very good at. That would be consistent with the psychological profile of you that I read prior to this session.
LS: Oh, you did some background research on me, did you? Figures.
P: It's part of my job. But you know that. Now back to the question at hand. Why were you angry at yourself at Amanda's departure?
LS: I was angry because it made me so angry, if that makes any sense. I hadn't realized how much I'd come to … rely on … Amanda until she was gone. That wasn't part of the plan, when we first starting working together.
P: Plans change.
LS: Not without conscious thought, they shouldn't. She was supposed to be a civilian assistant. I was only humouring Billy when I let him match her with me. I figured it was a better alternative to being forced to have a real partner. But then she showed a real aptitude for the job, and I came to rely on her, and the next thing I knew she was my partner.
P: And that wasn't part of the plan.
LS: I guess not. But it was okay. It was good.
P: But …?
LS: But I forgot to defend the zone.
P: Pardon?
LS: Football analogy. I was so busy thinking about how to protect her from the hardships of becoming an agent, I forgot to defend myself.
P: Defend yourself against what?
LS: Against her leaving. Because eventually, everyone always leaves.
P: Alright, that's why you're angry at yourself. Let's talk about why you're angry at Amanda.
LS: I'm not angry at her. Not anymore.
P: Why not?
LS: She told me everything. As soon as I understood what had happened, how she had been forced to kill Jim Brady to protect me, I wasn't angry anymore. Not at her. Just at myself for not being there for her when she needed me.
P: Why do you think she left without talking to you?
LS: I think she was grieving.
P: And she couldn't ask you, her partner, for help with her grief?
LS: Grief is one of those emotions that you have to work through on your own. It isn't for someone else or about someone else, it's entirely about you. Oddly enough, it's a lot like love that way.
P: That's a very perceptive observation, Agent Stetson.
LS: You don't spend the majority of your adult life on your own without having a lot of time for self-analysis, doc.
P: So do you think you've worked through your own grief?
LS: My grief? I'm not grieving for Jim Brady, Amanda is.
P: I'm talking about other losses that you've experienced. Your file says you lost a partner a few years' back. And then, there's your parents …
LS: Have I worked through my grief over my parents' death when I was five years old? And J … my partner's death thirty-seven months ago? As much as I think I'm ever going to. You get angry. You get drunk. You get maudlin. And then you pick your ass up and get on with life, because that's the only thing you can do. Basic Kubler-Ross, right?
P: You forgot the first stage.
LS: Which one is that?
P: Denial.
LS: What is that supposed to mean?
P: Well, the Kubler-Ross model posits that you have to work through each stage from first to last in order to come to terms with your grief.
LS: And you think I'm in denial about the loss of my parents or Jack?
P: No, but I do think you may be in denial about the loss of your latest partner.
LS: Amanda? Amanda's not dead.
P: We don't only grieve for someone's death. You can grieve for the loss of a friendship. A partnership. A relationship.
LS: She's fine. She's doing much better. And it's probably for the best that she's left the Agency. At least she's out of harm's way. She'll eventually find something else that suits her and is a lot less dangerous….
P: That may well be, Agent Stetson. But we're not talking about Amanda and what she wants or needs. We're talking about you. Look, we're out of time, but I want you to promise me that you'll do something before we meet again next week. I want you to consider why you reacted the way that you did to Amanda's sudden departure, and what you might have been grieving or reliving at that point. You don't have to talk to me about it, if you don't want to. But you don't strike me as a man who shies away from having difficult conversations with himself. Will you do that?
LS: Sure. I guess so.
P: Good. See you next week then.
LS: Yeah.