SCENE 2: CHEZ PIP: CHRISTMAS DINNER
Pip has stolen the food and a file and has just given the items to the convict. He looks guiltily around the table. MRS. JOE, JOE, the Hubbles, Mr. WOPSLE and UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK are gathered around the dinner table.
MR. WOPSLE: The annual "Let's –All-Gather-To-Mock-Pip" (LAGTMP for short) meeting is now convened. Roll call:
MRS JOE: Present
UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
JOE: … more gravy Pip?
MR. WOPSLE: … and the victi-….#ahem# I mean… -darling- Pip?
PIP: … oh no, not again.
UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK: Splendid! Let's begin.
...And so, the Pip abuse commences.
MR WOPSLE: You orphans are an ungrateful bunch, you know that? Selfish little pigs, the lot of you…
MR PUMBLECHOOK: Speaking of pigs, if you'd been born a Squeaker…
Mrs JOE: He –was- if ever a child was. Noisy little bugger you were, Pip. Wished you into your grave dozens of times, but nooo… you wouldn't go there. Was that too much to ask??!
PIP: You know, this is doing nothing for my self esteem…
MRS JOE: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?! You were such a burden when you were little, always mewling those disgusting cries for more food… when there was none more to give!
PIP: …
JOE: … she's right you know. Ugliest shriveled little babby you ever set your eyes on too, you were.
PIP: Not you too Joe!
JOE: Well, but I wanted you. You was cute, in a way. More gravy?
enter RANDOM SOLDIER
RANDOM SOLDIER: RUNAWAY CONVICTS LOOSE ON THE MARSH!
… Anyone want to watch us catch them?
UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK: … And you're here because…?
RANDOM SOLDIER: Oh, right. Blacksmith, we need you to fix these handcuffs. Quickly, so we can nab the convict.
MR. WOPSLE: Nobody else in the entire regiment of soldiers has another set of handcuffs to spare?
RANDOM SOLDIER: … um. No.
DICKENS: STOP DESTROYING MY DRAMATIC PLOTPOINTS!!
(JOE fixes the handcuffs. Exit the RANDOM SOLDIER, JOE, PIP, and MR WOPSLE to go convict hunting)