What you do on your own time's just fine

My imagination's much worse

I just never want to know

What meant the world had folded

Like legs and fingers holding onto what escapes me;

What he has: a better kiss that never lasts

"Jacob Black was in there," I replied sharply over the thudding of my racing heart. Leah finally caught up to me as I tapped my building key into onto the door.

"Holy shit, seriously? What's Black doing here?"

"My question exactly."

My coordination was hindered more than I estimated. I clung to the bannister as I climbed the stairs to our room on the third floor. My hands shook as I shoved my key into the door, and slammed it shut behind us. I landed hard onto the mattress, my mind racing with questions. I was still too sober to deal with this.

"Wait, how do you know Black? He went to the tribal school."

"He transferred to Forks High for the magnet program after his second year."

I grabbed my purse and began fishing around fruitlessly for a cigarette and a lighter. Leah, who had somehow sobered up to be the calm and responsible one over the course of ten minutes, handed me one of hers and led me out onto the balcony facing Greek Square. I sank into the folding beach chairs on the balcony, clicking the lighter over and over before getting the cigarette to light. Leah took it from my mouth and lit it with her own before handing it back to me. I shoved it back between my lips and took a huge pull, and it made me cough.

"Jesus, Bella, it's not going anywhere. Why are you so wigged out?"

"Jake and I used to be friends. Best friends."

"No way," she gasped, clearly intrigued by the very notion. "Black, of all people? Seth told me he was always glued to his dumbass rez friends. Where would you even see him?"

"We met at the beginning of my junior year. Charlie and his dad are friends, remember." I took another drag. "We met in AP Psych."

"He was really funny. I used to roast him a lot because his notes sucked and he'd get me back by making cracks about my truck being a piece of shit. I got yelled at a lot in class 'cause he was always messing with me, trying to make me laugh." I couldn't help but smile fondly at the memory. "Then we got put on a project together. I went to his place to work on it with him and he showed me his garage and the stuff he was working on. We just started hanging out after that. We went on his bike sometimes, or First Beach, or did homework at my house. I'd just moved to Forks and I had a lot of trouble making friends, and there he was, just out of nowhere."

Leah exhaled, and I could see a smirk growing on her face. "And?"

"And nothing. We were really close, but...I don't know. None of that matters now. He hates my guts and I'm not really hot on him either."

I sighed and closed my eyes. I thought I was never going to see him again. I thought I was going to be able to leave that entire chapter of my life behind me and embrace New Bella, but I guess something of that magnitude wasn't going to go away without a fight.

"What happened?" she must have read my face, because her own voice became uncharacteristically quiet.

Before I could answer, a howl echoed through the night air. About a dozen guys were pouring out of the frat house, stumbling and braying like mules. Leah leaned over and peered through the railing to get a better look.

"There he is," she said, her voice filled with disdain.

She was not the diplomatic type, and I worried that she would try to punch him if I told her too much. She was half his size, but she wasn't afraid of anything.

His arm was swung over the shoulders of the girl from before. His face had obstructed my view of hers before, but it looked like one of the girls who lived on the second floor of our dorm. Happy-happy, joy-joy. I put on my best neutral face, but I couldn't stop myself from staring down at them from the balcony as they approached, puffing away at my cigarette. I was going to need another one in a second. Looking at him was like watching a car crash: you hate every second of it but you still can't look away. But now we were on my turf, and I wasn't going anywhere this time. Theoretically, anyways.

Our eyes locked. My heart was racing, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of looking away. That scowl was so un-Jacob, but then again, I wasn't the Bella that he remembered anymore. It only took a moment before he simply scoffed at my challenge and turned away. Leah was watching him like a hawk, and she was in no state to suffer fools. I watched her face contort, and leapt to her feet, leaning over the railing.

"What's your problem, asshole?" Her voice probably carried all the way to the library.

"I don't have a problem, Clearwater," he sneered. "But I am itching for a fight if you want to get your scrawny ass down here."

"I'll kick your ass, Black! You don't get to just waltz in and-"

I had to stop her before she went postal. I stood up and grabbed her from behind by her arm, trying to lead her inside.

"Leah, it's fine. Really. Just leave it alone."

"You should listen to her, Clearwater. She knows how to leave things alone better than anyone."

I managed to shove her inside to keep him from getting her any more riled up than she already was.

"Hey!" he called. "Make sure you tell Cullen I said hi. I wasn't kidding about that fight."

The security lights from the building bounced off his face, illuminating the teeth in his trademark smile. Only now, the genuine sweetness of it that I remembered had been replaced with sarcasm and bitterness, and a tiny, long dormant part of me began to ache. Who the hell did he think he was? He bailed on me when I needed him the most, and now he had the nerve to get pissy at me. Maybe, in some twisted way, that meant we were even now. He disappeared with his date, and for the first time, I was glad Jacob was gone.

I found Leah sitting on the rug, looking like she'd be more than happy to run outside and finish what they started. As much as I loathed the whole encounter, I couldn't be surprised by any of it. Scenes from senior year played out in front of me like a movie. How could I ever forget that look of disgust and betrayal in his eyes as they bored holes into my back, day after day?

"What the fuck was that all about?" she hissed.

"Same old, same old. I thought I was going to have a fun college experience where high school didn't follow me around like the Grim Reaper. Silly me."

"I thought you guys were friends before?"

"Only until I met my ex, and then it all went sideways."

I walked back onto the balcony, pulled another smoke out of the carton, and put it to my mouth. I really didn't want to get into this now, or ever really, but she wasn't going to let this go. Leah waited expectantly.

"Not long after I got together with Edward, I couldn't really see Jake anymore. I knew most of the tribe hated him and the Cullens, but I didn't know why, and I didn't think it was enough for him to do a 180 on me."

"Edward Cullen? The doctor's kid?"

"Yep."

"No wonder. The Cullens are racist as shit."

"Yeah, I figured that out eventually," I said dryly as I tapped the ash off the edge of the railing.

"So what, he just turned into an asshole overnight?"

"Not exactly, but after a while, I could barely see him anymore. Edward didn't want me over there anyways. The Cullens were convinced that he and the other guys on the reservation were part of some kind of gang. Kept talking about how it wasn't safe for me to be around them and how it would ruin my reputation."

"Are you serious?" she said, amazed by the very idea. "And you believed them?"

"Of course not! But Ed used to get really mad whenever I talked about visiting, even mentioning Jake, really. Then Jake found out Ed and I were dating and he confronted me about it. We had this huge fight, and I guess he decided he didn't want to be friends anymore. It really pissed me off for a long time. After a while, I thought maybe Edward would ease up on me..."

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I hadn't revisited any of this since it happened. I didn't want to. I wanted to put it all behind me and start my life over in a new place with new friends. This was something for a therapist to handle in ten years. I quickly collected myself and resumed my quiet stoicism.

"Bella-"

"-It's fine, Lee. It's actually a really long story. I don't want to get into it tonight, but I'll give you the reader's digest version: I had to get a restraining order. I was super messed up and I needed him, but when I tried to talk to Jake again and apologize for the fight, he just was gone."

Some smouldering ashes dripped onto my finger, burning my skin, and I just watched it roll off. I needed to bury all of this back where it belongs. No more Cry-baby Swan. I didn't need another guy in my life again. Guys are trash. I wasn't going to let my dumbass feelings get in my way. I was going to focus on having a career and a social life. I called all the shots now.

"Bella, I'm sorry," she said, gently placing her hand over mine. Her quiet moment of concern and empathy was quickly replaced by rage.

"I can't fucking believe it." She stood up suddenly and went back into the room to grab her cell.

"What're you doing? You're not calling him, are you?"

"Of course not! I'm calling Seth. Little worm is going to tell me everything."

"Lee, it's past midnight. You can harass your brother tomorrow."

"No, he's been keeping shit from me. I bet he's up with Embry and those other little shits."

He had lit the fuse and now she was on a rampage. Seth wasn't a bad kid, and he didn't need to deal with her when she was like this. I don't think Leah really wanted to be an only child, either.

"Lee, honey, call him tomorrow morning. He'll probably be hung over."

"You're right," she said, shoving her phone into her pocket.

I sighed and put out my last cigarette before shuffling back into our room and flopping down onto my bed. I yanked my shoes off and threw them on the floor in a huff. Leah followed me in and locked the door behind us. She sat on the edge of her bed, staring wordlessly at me as I found shapes in the plaster on the ceiling.

"What Leah," I said flatly.

"I should have known he was coming here. Of all the news going around in the tribe, I should have known."

"It's not your fault. And how would you even know to warn me? You didn't even know we used to be friends."

She sniffed. Oh no, drunk-crying Leah was trying to come out, and at the most inopportune moment. I didn't know I was going to need to diffuse two Leah's tonight.

"Lee, come on. It's fine. It's not a big deal. Let's just go to bed."

I peeled off my jeans and crawled under the blankets. Hugging my pillow tightly to my chest. I still had my makeup on, but I was too wrung out to make the ten-foot journey to the bathroom. I had barely closed my eyes when sleep took me, and Jacob's scowl faded from my mind.

I woke the next morning to find myself alone. Leah was on the balcony again, and her muffled ranting was carrying through the door. Hell, it could probably carry all the way to the student center.

"...Because you were pal-ing around with him for months, Seth! You followed him around like a dog, and you're trying to tell me you had no idea?...That's bullshit...It is, it's bullshit...Okay, fine. What did he say to you?...Oh, that's rich… Of course I hate Cullen too! That doesn't mean she had to take the heat for it...whatever, Seth. Just let me know, okay?...Yeah...Love you too, you little brat...Bye."

I rose from my bed like a zombie, and walked into the bathroom to look at the damage. There was definitely going to be foundation on my pillow, along with some mascara. Most of my lipstick had already been worn off on cups and smokes, so that thankfully wasn't an issue. I hadn't brushed my teeth and there was a large bump in my hair from where the ponytail was. In short, I looked like a mess, so it was time for a shower. No matter what happened, a shower always made me feel at least a little bit better, like a snake shedding its skin, or in my case, shedding a layer of dirt and regret.

I scrubbed myself down with body wash twice, once for the dirt and again for the regret. I could hear Leah pacing over the flow of the water, and I wasn't awake enough for a recap just yet. I washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and shaved, and I emerged from the shower reborn. I opened the door to find Leah finally stationary, staring down at her phone.

"Alright, let's do this," I sighed, going through my drawers for underwear and a shirt.

"So I talked to Seth. You were right about calling him in the morning, by the way."

"Of course I was."

"Anyways, Seth told me that Black started hanging out with Quil Ateara and Embry Call sometime in his junior year. All of the sudden, they started acting up. Sneaking out, cliff diving, drinking, partying, that kind of thing. Just pissing off the elders, mostly. Seth didn't really know him well then, but he said that he had a really short temper. Word has it that he got into a fight with his sister's boyfriend and broke his nose."

"Holy shit, really?"

That wasn't the Jacob I knew before, before everything went to hell. He was a tough looking kid, but he was a teddy bear. I pulled my shirt over my head and stepped into a pair of old yoga pants. I was in no mood to dress up for anyone.

"Yeah, but Paul's an asshole so maybe he deserved it. Sam's friend is an asshole; what a big surprise," she muttered acridly.

I knew that Sam was her ex, but she didn't like to talk about him. Just mentioning him seemed to piss her off even more. Neither of us were ready to go into any detail about our exes, and we respected that boundary.

"Apparently, Black had been spending some time with Sam and his cronies, too. Seth thinks it was some kind of macho crap. Sounds like he was sleeping with every girl who'd have him. I mean, he's a dick, but you can't deny he's hot."

I certainly couldn't. Jake was already attractive when I knew him before his growth spurt, but when pairing his boyish face with his new muscular frame, the overall effect was breathtaking. If we had never met before, I might have turned into a drooling, lovesick idiot. Maybe that would have been better. Maybe he wouldn't have been the person he is now if we hadn't met.

I sat down on the floor to tie my shoes, the new information churning in my head, and it was making me nauseous. Or maybe that was just my empty stomach.

"Well?"

"Well what?" I snapped. "He can live however he wants. He doesn't owe me anything. If he doesn't want to be friends anymore then that's fine. I just want him to leave me alone."

Leah smiled sympathetically. "There's the inner bitch I know and love. Come on, babe. Let's go eat before they run out of bagels.