1.5 years ago
Numb. That's all she was. She couldn't feel anything. She was neither hot nor cold. She couldn't feel pain or pleasure. She wasn't aware of her breathing or her heartbeat. Everything was black. It was quiet. Something was wrong, it shouldn't be this quiet, should it? The girl tried to remember what she had been doing, but it was impossible. She couldn't even remember her own name. Surely she had one? What kind of person didn't have a name? What was going on?
Light. Too bright. It was brighter than the sun, pure white, instead of a warm yellow. It made her feel as light as a feather. Feeling. Something other than numbness. A part of her brain told her that she should be worried, this wasn't right, but how could she know what was right or wrong? A figure walked through the light. It said nothing, but it reached out towards her. The girl started to walk to it, but something stopped her. She could hear a buzzing noise. She looked around, but saw nothing. She took another step forward. The buzzing got louder. It sounded like something. A word maybe? She shook her head. The sound had to be coming from inside her head. She took another step toward the figure. This time the word was clear, and loud. "RAVEN!"
Raven? Like the bird? The girl stopped dead in her tracks. Words had meaning, and this one was important. If only she could remember why. The lightness she had been feeling was fading. Everything was becoming heavy. She didn't like it. "RAVEN! PLEASE!"
Cold. Why was she so cold? She wanted to feel numb again. "Dammit Raven, please."
Wet. Everything was wet. Wet and cold. She was trying to remember what happened. Something was important. She just needed to remember what it was. Her name, maybe if she could remember what it was. "I swear if you die on me Raven, I'll… I'll… I'll fucking kill you."
"Octavia?" She could remember this girl, because Octavia was everything. Octavia Blake, her beautiful friend. She was in love with her, she remembered. Every memory she had involved Octavia. Octavia sounded scared right now. More scared than she had ever been. "Can I sleep a little longer, Monkey?"
"No, you cannot sleep. Wake up, please wake up. Raven, I need you." Her voice sounded broken.
Anything to make her happy. She was all that mattered. Raven could feel the light fading. She was cold, wet, and in pain. Headlights, she remembered, had been headed right for them. "Shit."
Raven opened her eyes. Everything was blurry. Something warm and dark was running down her forehead and into her eyes. She moved a hand to wipe it away. Was that blood? Was she bleeding? They'd been hit. A car hit them, and Raven was bleeding. Octavia! Raven panicked. She had been talking. Raven looked around, and found that Octavia was still seated next to her. "Octavia, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, a little sore, but fine." She said relieved. "You were unconscious. I don't think you were breathing. I thought I lost you. I can't lose you."
"I'm okay, my head hurts though." Raven tried to move, but nothing happened. She looked down at her legs, willing them to move. Nothing. Instead she turned her torso towards Octavia, and immediately regretted it. Pain shot up her back, even more pain shot threw her abdomen. She lifted her shirt to take a look, and her eyes widened.
"Raven, is that blood?" Octavia asked, trying to move closer.
"I'm okay. How long was I unconscious?" Raven knew she wasn't okay, there a piece of metal, probably from the car door, sticking through her. She couldn't feel her legs, so it had to have hit her spine. Raven was screwed, but she couldn't let Octavia know that. She needed her Monkey to stay calm. If Octavia started to freak out, so would Raven.
"Less than a minute."
"Clarke, are you okay?" Raven looked to the front seat. Clarke was slumped forward. She couldn't see Jake, but there was a piece of steel that was going through his seat. "O, I need you to unbuckle your seatbelt. Check to see if Clarke is breathing."
Octavia did as she was asked and moved forward to check Clarke. "She's breathing, and her pulse is strong. I think the airbag knocked her out… Oh god. Jake, Jake please wake up! Raven, I think…"
"Octavia, look at me."
O moved so that she was sitting in her seat again. Slowly she turned to look at her best friend. "Raven, I think Jake is dead."
"I need you to stay calm okay? I can hear the sirens, help is on the way. I need you to stay with me. Stay calm. Don't freak out. I need your breathing to stay regular, I can't have everyone unconscious."
The ambulance showed up less than two minutes later. The rain outside was still coming down in sheets. Medics were moving around, checking their vital signs. Clarke woke up and saw her father next to her. Her screams were earsplitting. The medics and firemen got them out of the vehicle. Raven was loaded onto a different ambulance than the others.
The ride to the hospital was a blur for all of them. Raven's head made everything fuzzy, she couldn't concentrate. When she was unloaded from the ambulance, everything felt unreal. Clarke's mother was one of the doctors waiting. "Raven?"
"Teenage female, approximately eighteen years old. Abdominal trauma, possible spinal injury. Also possible concussion. Drunk driver ran a red light. Two other teenaged females are on their way in. There was one adult male, DOA." One of the medics spouted out the information.
The look on Abby's face was heartbreaking. Before Raven could say anything to Abby though she lost consciousness.
Four months later
"Raven, do you want me to grab your bag?" Octavia asked, already reaching for it. She hated seeing her best friend struggling.
"Octavia, I can get it myself. I'm crippled, not useless." Raven growled out. She was hurt and irritated, and just wanted everyone to treat her like normal again. "Anyway, you have soccer practice. Go, I'll be fine."
"I can be a little late." Octavia offered again. Coach would understand, either that or make her run a few extra laps, but she really didn't mind.
"O, you're suffocating me. Go to practice."
She sighed, but did as Raven said. She got three steps away before turning back around and walking to the other girl. She wrapped her arms around Raven in a hug that was too tight. "I love you." She said kissing the side of her head.
"You annoy me." Raven said with as much affection as she could. "Please go to practice before you're late."
Octavia took off down the hallway, while Raven breathed a sigh of relief. School was physically exhausting and emotionally draining. Octavia wanted to carry all of Raven's books for her, despite the fact that they only shared one class together. O always insisted that she could be late to her classes, but Raven knew her teachers were getting annoyed. Raven's brace was annoying and it chaffed, but the girl was able to walk with it.
Raven turned a corner and ran straight into someone. "I'm so sorry." She said, before she realized who it was. "Clarke."
"I'm sorry, I should have been looking where I was going." Clarke's eyes were looking at a spot above Raven's head. "I, um, I'm running late. I should go."
"Clarke, please wait." Raven begged.
"I wish I could, but I'm really late." She said taking off around the corner. She couldn't look at Raven without a wave of regret washing over her. She sped up so she was going too fast for Raven to follow.
"Dammit, Clarke." Raven muttered with tears in her eyes. She didn't understand why Clarke was acting the way she was.
Christmas
They were sitting in Bellamy's living room. Octavia was wearing a pair of pajama pants that said "ho ho ho" all over them. Her t-shirt read "Dear Santa, I've been really naughty". Raven was in a pair of green pajama pants and a red shirt with sleeves that went just past her elbows. While Bellamy was only wearing a pair of plaid pajama pants. The Christmas tree in the corner of the room looked about as sad as the one Charlie Brown had. All that mattered though was that they were together. Bell had spent the morning making cookies and other sugary treats. They had opened most of the presents earlier, but Clarke was supposed to come over so they could open the rest of them. Every time she was around became increasingly awkward. Before she would avoid eye contact with Raven, now she tried to avoid all interactions with the girl.
"What time is Clarke supposed to be here?" Raven asked curiously.
"She was supposed to be here half an hour ago." Bellamy said eating another cookie.
"Maybe she just hit traffic?" Octavia offered, sounding upset. She just wanted to have both of her best friends back together again. She knew deep down that Clarke probably wouldn't show up though.
"Yeah, maybe." Raven said with a weak smile.
Another hour went by before they gave up waiting for her. Octavia was playing with her hands, trying to keep herself busy.
"I'm so sorry, Monkey." Raven said placing her hand on the smaller girl's shoulder.
Octavia jerked away from her touch. "She said she'd be here."
"Maybe I should leave? You could call her and tell her I went home. We all know she doesn't want to see me."
"That's not true and you know it." Octavia said defensively, though deep down she knew it was true.
"Whatever you say, O."
Clarke never showed up.
Graduation
They made it to the end of High School. Today was the first day of the rest of their lives. Octavia and Raven had gotten ready for graduation at Bellamy's apartment. O was wearing a white sundress, and black combat boots. It suited her. While Raven had on a white button up shirt and a black pleated skirt.
"You look like a school girl." Octavia said with a laugh.
"Eh, I was aiming for rocker chick." Rae said with a grin.
When they got to the school for graduation they were ushered into a hallway with the other graduates. Teachers and school officials were trying to get everyone into alphabetical order. They all knew what they were supposed to do, but their nerves were getting the best of them. A boy Raven barely knew from her Economics class walked by and bumped into her, nearly knocking her off balance.
"Watch where you're going Dick-face!" She shouted at him.
"Shut up, cripple." He growled back.
"Wanna call me that to my face, Murphy? I'll kick your ass right here."
"Raven, come on, calm down." Octavia said trying to pull her away from him. She had a tight grip on Raven's arm, but the taller girl had no intentions of being led away.
"Go along, listen to your girlfriend. She's saving you from an ass kicking." Murphy sneered.
Raven yanked her arm away from Octavia and used the momentum to punch him in the face. She could feel his nose crunching under her fist. He staggered back, blood spilling down his face.
"You crazy bitch!" He sputtered, moving toward her. Just before he could punch back, a group of boys got between them.
"Murphy, walk it off." Miller said barely loud enough to be heard.
"That bitch hit me! She deserves to get her ass kicked." He growled, glaring at Raven.
"If you don't take a walk, you're going to end up banned from the ceremony. The teachers are just around the corner, on their way here now. Is that what you want?"
"Whatever." Murphy said, finally walking away.
Miller turned towards the girls. "What the fuck are you trying to do, Raven? If any of the teachers would have been around for that, you would have gotten kicked out on the day of Graduation. What the hell got in to you?"
"Just shut up, Miller." Raven said walking away. She pushed passed a bunch of students and pushed the bathroom door open. It hit the wall with a bang loud enough to be a gun shot. She made it to one of the stalls before breaking down. She was so tired of being seen as nothing more than a cripple. She felt broken and useless. Logically she knew that she could do everything that she could before the accident. It was just a little more difficult now, but it was still possible. Nobody seemed to see any of that though, all they saw was her stupid brace. She looked down at the cursed object. "I hate you, you stupid piece of shit!"
She took it off and threw it, it hit the wall of the stall with a metal on metal CRASH!
"What the fuck was that?" Someone asked from the stall next to hers.
"I'm sorry." Raven said, picking up the brace and exiting the stall with a lot of difficulty. Her leg was useless without the brace. Clarke exited the other stall, and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Raven. "Clarke!" Raven squeaked out in surprise.
"Raven, I'm sorry, I have to get back to my spot." Clarke said walking over to the sink and washing her hands, keeping her eyes down the entire time.
"Clarke, please." Raven practically begged her.
"I'm sorry. I have to go." With that she was walking out of the bathroom without drying her hands off.
Raven felt like screaming. Clarke had been one of her best friends since 1st grade. Clarke and Octavia were the girl's whole world. She took a deep quivering breath, wiped the tears off of her face, and hastily put the brace back on. She was done. From now on she refused to care what anyone else thought of her. She refused to let herself hurt over things she couldn't control. Today was the start of the rest of her life. It was a new beginning, and she was going to make the most of it.
Present day
Clarke came into view with Octavia practically hanging off of her side. A dark haired woman was trailing behind them. She looked prim and proper, and completely out of place. Octavia and Clarke were both smiling like fools, that is, until Clarke spotted Raven.
"Hello, Clarke." Raven said coolly.
"Raven, I, um, I didn't know you were going to be here." She said nervously. She looked as if she were ready to flee the scene.
"Dinner at Bellamy's on Friday night is tradition, Clarke. Of course I'm here, or did you forget just how important tradition is? I mean, it's life or death remember?" The words were spat out as if they were poison.
"Raven." Octavia said with a warning tone to her voice.
"What, O? I'm just reminding poor Clarke here how important tradition is to us. We've never changed tradition, to do so would be blasphemy." Raven said dryly. She was angry. She was angry with the way Clarke had treated her after the accident. She was angry with how Clarke always looked anywhere but at her. She was angry that the other girl hadn't even spoken to her for half of a year. Raven knew she was being a complete asshole to her, but the way she was acting wasn't as severe as how Clarke had treated her. "For God's sake, look at me!" Raven shouted at her, walking closer to where she was standing.
"I think it's time for us to go." Lexa said grabbing Clarke's hand.
"Oh no you don't." Raven practically growled at her, moving her body between them and the hallway that led to the entry.
"You can't keep us here." Lexa said angrily.
"I'm not letting Clarke leave, not before she looks at me. Not before she talks to me like I'm a human fucking being!"
At that Clarke's gaze rose to meet her's for the first since the accident. Raven could see the unshed tears in her eyes. "You think that I don't think you're a human being?"
Raven laughed, with no trace of humor. "You haven't treated me like one since the accident. For fuck's sake Clarke, a drunk driver ran through a red light while it was pouring rain. That wasn't your fucking fault. Yet you keep wallowing in your own sadness, throwing yourself a fucking pity party. You lost your dad that day, I lost the use of my leg below my knee. I built a brace for my injury, you need to suck it up and build one for yours." Part of Raven wanted to hit something, probably Clarke. The other part of her wanted to cry. She was so livid because of the blonde. That didn't change the fact that Clarke was also one of her best friends. All of that changed the day of the accident. She wanted things to go back to how they had been before the accident. She wanted her best friend back. Raven hated being treated like an annoying pest, or some dependent puppy. "Why can't you just look at me, Clarke?"
"I am looking at you." Clarke said, her voice breaking. Guilt was crushing her the way an anvil crushed cartoon characters. Looking at Raven reminded her of the horrible day. Reminded her that her father was dead because of a stupid tradition that she didn't want to wait a day for.
"You're only looking at me because I made you. You've avoided me for months. Before that you avoided eye contact. Things are different, I just want my best friend back. I want things to go back to normal, but I don't even know what that is anymore."
"I'm the one who did this, Raven. If I would have listened to you, if we would have postponed getting ice cream for one day, like you asked…" She trailed off.
"What's done is done, Clarke. I know the accident was hard on you, because you were the driver, but Octavia and I made it out of that alive. You made it out of that car alive. I know you lost your dad. I know how hard that was for you, he was the only father figure I had in my life. I know how you feel, but you walked away from that accident physically unscathed. I didn't. I've learned to live with it, and so should you. You can't avoid me for the rest of your life. Think of Octavia, you're avoiding her because of me. You're not the only one who is hurting." Raven's voice was low, but Clarke could hear every word she said.
"I didn't realize how badly I was hurting you both." Was the response. She was looking between Octavia and Raven.
"Well, it's been something we're getting used to. It sucks though, we've done everything together since the first grade. You're our family, Clarke." Octavia said. She was standing with her arms wrapped around herself, almost like she was trying to keep herself together.
"You two have been friends since the first day of preschool. I just figured, after the crash, you would rather go back to it just being the two of you."
"Well, you're an idiot." Raven said shaking her head at the ridiculous thought.
"You're both better off without me. I hurt you both." Clarke had tears running down her cheeks.
"You didn't cause the accident. Can you please understand that?" Raven begged her.
"We don't blame you. We never have." Octavia said walking over to Clarke and hugging her.
"Well, not for the accident anyway." Raven muttered under her breath.
"Raven Lindsey Reyes!" Octavia snapped at the girl.
"Just saying, I never blamed her for the accident. That was never her fault, but how she acted after the accident is on her. I meant what I said, I want you back in my life, and I know O, wants you back in hers, but we're going to have to seriously talk. You're going to have to learn how to actually look at me again too, that means you too Octavia."
"I do look at you, all the time…" Octavia trailed off.
"Except whenever we talk about my leg, or the accident, or my nightmares. I know it's a hard thing to talk about, but it's not your fault either. I'm alive, I'm okay, sure I have a stupid brace that I would rather throw away half the time, but I'm okay. I need everyone to understand that. I can still do everything that I could before the accident, I just have to work a little harder to do it."
Bellamy walked around the kitchen counter. "I don't mean to interrupt this heartfelt talk or anything, but dinner is ready."