II. In the Storm
The fifth week the weather got as crazy as his feelings. An icy wind was blustering through the streets of D.C., and with it came the snow. Not the romantic, fluffy kind of snowflakes that evokes the wish to cuddle up in front of a fireplace but rather a white, dangerous mass. The kind of snow that doesn't stop murderers.
The kind of snow that stilled their world for a few hours and brought them close – literally.
At least the elevator in Booth's building was an old and nostalgic one and didn't remind of being buried in a car. Or trapped in a trunk.
Given the circumstances and despite their pressure to solve the case it was... almost comfortable.
The kind of comfortable that made her reluctant to say "goodbye" at the end of the day, and so the late evening wind found the two partners in his apartment, sharing a beer. Sharing something else.
Brennan felt close to Booth, a closeness that expanded her chest and warmed her insides – a closeness she hadn't experienced in a long time – as they were sipping their beers, munching popcorn and laughing together.
"I'm just... angry. You know, angry..."
At first, she didn't sense the sudden change of mood, and his remark caught her by surprise. Her face fell, as the words sunk in, and she remembered another conversation not so long ago, when the three times the women in his life had hurt him had resulted in utmost despair.
"Not at you."
As always, he understood her instantly and saved her. Relief flooded her entire being.
"I just need time, that's all. Time to hang back and find that inner peace before I, you know, get back out there."
She knew that, but, nevertheless, she wanted to give him something. She wanted him to be proud of her, she needed to be worthy of him.
"I'm improving."
She needed him to know that she had changed... for him.
Over the years with Booth, she had lost her imperviousness, the strong shell which had surrounded her heart ever since she had been fifteen years old. He had cracked it.
The first feeling he had stirred in her had been attraction, soon followed by annoyance. Not being able to compartmentalize him, Dr. Temperance Brennan had settled for avoiding Agent Seeley Booth, but, in the end, he had found her again. Had touched her life with his passion and compassion. Had made her greedy to feel it as well.
It had turned into friendship, and at times his exaggerated protectiveness could grate on her, but, sometimes, it had just... felt nice. Whatever Booth had been in all those years, most of all he had been there. He had seen her at her best, he had seen her at her worst, and regardless of what he had witnessed, he had stayed.
She had learned to rely on him.
She had cried on his shoulder.
He had made her weak, so weak that it had scared her. Too weak to accept his promise of love, too scared to give in to the tempting feeling of purpose that brushed her heart whenever he looked at her.
Back then she hadn't been able to understand the meaning of the unfamiliar weakness, so she had fled.
Seven months away from the smile in his eyes had affected her, and instead of renewing her shield, she had learned to accept the weakness. And in the end, it had made her stronger.
Strong enough to feel the pain when he had come back with another woman.
Weak enough to finally break and name her regrets.
Strong enough to get up and face him afterwards.
Weak enough to hope for a different outcome.
Strong enough to stand by him after his world had shattered.
"When you and I met, I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance."
Because he had touched her. Had made her feel.
Of course, Brennan still heard the ice-cold whisper of fear from time to time, but she didn't listen to it anymore. She knew exactly when the balance pan had shifted, when the promise of warmth had finally won over the cold breath of fear. She could name the events that had turned her world upside down, had made her feel right-side up.
"A time could come when you aren't angry anymore and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviousness. Maybe then we could try to be together."
Despite the calmness of her words, her heart was pounding wildly in her chest, and Brennan was almost afraid that he could hear it...
Her words were spoken so calmly that Booth almost didn't hear her over the loud rhythm of his heartbeat. Could she feel it? Would she notice how moved he really was by this conversation?
For all his life, Seeley Booth had been a pro in faking calmness. As a son of an alcoholic father, as a sniper, as a gambler. It wasn't as if he couldn't control his feelings, no, he had purposely chosen to let them reign. He had chosen life with everything it implied because sometimes just living and feeling was the hardest part.
He had chosen life over and over again after his dad had beaten him up; he had chosen life when his feet had been broken; he had chosen life after love had turned into loss. Every single time. Booth had just recovered from the latest blow, and the prospect of unleashing strong emotions so soon again scared him.
But this was Bones sitting next to him, and despite the maze he had spent the last months in, Booth knew that their paths were meant to cross. Had always known it.
I know who you are. You are not a bad anything. You are the standard. I knew.
Words he had said to her over the years came back with full force, every single one of them filling him with truth. He had always been a gambler, but for the first time Booth realized that between the two of them, it was his partner who had taken the biggest gamble.
For him she had risked losing the terrain she knew, had left the safe ground of science and reason. This afternoon, in the elevator, she had said "making love". Not "satisfying biological urges", not even "becoming intimate". She had used his vocabulary to show him that they were on the same page, that she desired what he had once wanted to give her.
And now she was sitting next to him, promising him something that couldn't possibly be promised by a scientist.
Her heart.
And he wanted it, he wanted it so much that he felt the need to show her the depth of his commitment.
"When I was a kid and I wanted something really, really bad, I'd write it down on a piece of paper and I'd burn it. It was like a spell; it was bound that my wish would come true."
He had written down the date when he would finally be strong enough to stand up to his father. The date when the latest punch would stop hurting. He had written down some other dates in the meantime, but never since he had been a very little boy, he had needed something so urgently.
He wanted her. But he needed to be strong for her as well, and he wasn't strong enough right now.
When the last sparks of the fire had gone out, Booth turned his head to find her looking at him.
"What now?" Brennan asked in her soft voice.
"Now it will happen," he answered hoarsely.
"You and me..."
"We will happen."
"Does it scare you?"
Taking a sip of his temporarily forgotten beer, Booth pondered her question thoroughly.
"Believing that it could never happen scared me more. What about you?"
Taking a deep breath, she picked up on his honesty.
"It doesn't scare me as much as thinking that I missed my chance."
Closing his eyes, he gathered the courage for his next words.
"Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to hug you that night?"
"Probably not as much as I needed to be hugged," she answered honestly. "But you couldn't do it, I understood. You haven't hugged me in a very long time," she added on a whisper.
"Do you know why?"
"Yes."
Because it had never been a guy hug at all.
"You know what? You have been wrong. You aren't 'improving'."
Confusion mixed with hurt on her face, and Booth hurried to clarify his statement.
"'Improving' means that something has been bad. You have never been bad, Bones, you have always been wonderful."
She opened her mouth, but he stilled her with a gesture of his hand.
"I get what you wanted to say, and the metaphor was nicely chosen, but, still, the word is wrong. You might be 'changing', 'adapting', 'opening', but not 'improving'. I didn't correct you when you told me that you couldn't change. I will never make that mistake again. You are wonderful. Always."
A smile lit up her beautiful face at his compliment, and warmth outweighed fear one more tad.
"You are the only one who ever thought that."
"Well, then everybody else is stupid."
"Booth... you and me..."
"Yeah?"
"Whenever it happens, I will try my best to make you happy."
"I have no doubt. And so will I."
-BONES-
Later that night, when he decided that she shouldn't leave his apartment in the aftermath of a blizzard, Booth prepared Parker's bed for his partner and provided her with an old T-shirt to sleep in. Not in the mood to argue with him, Brennan just accepted his offer, and this alone told him how much she meant what they had just discussed.
Her face looked sleepy and pale when she squinted at him, her dark hair spread out like a fan on Parker's dinosaur-printed pillow.
"Nighty night, Bones."
"Sleep tight, Booth."
"Do you need something else?"
Did she need anything? She hesitated briefly, and he noticed it.
"What is it? You can tell me everything."
"Would you... would you hug me?"
Her words reached out to his heart, but, nevertheless, he stilled for a moment before he approached her.
"This wouldn't be a guy hug."
Holding his gaze, she nodded.
"I'm not asking for a guy hug."
His lips formed a smile, as Booth took a seat on the mattress. Immediately, she lifted herself, outstretching her arms, and he wrapped her slender form around his body.
Silky hair in his face, her heart-crushingly familiar scent in his nose, soft curves pressed against his solid chest, long arms around his neck. His palm roamed over her back, and her soft sigh of contentment in his ear was almost his undoing.
It was a perfect fit – like two pieces of a puzzle, like Yin and Yang, like summer and winter. Contradictions that complemented each other. She and him. They were perfect.
The feeling of rightness he had tried to forget for so long overwhelmed him, and he crushed her to his body. She didn't seem to mind, though, and tightened her hold on him even more. When he felt the soft touch of her lips on his neck, he released her with a tender kiss on her temple. Her eyes were bright and shining at him.
"Thank you, Booth."
Unable to tear his gaze away from her, he brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.
"It makes it more real, doesn't it?"
And one more time this night, Temperance Brennan knew exactly what they were talking about. She who had evolved so much looked at him who had always been there for her, giving him once again a promise with her eyes. As always, he understood her, and with a gentle caress of his thumb over her lips, he got up to leave her room for the night.
Tomorrow would be another day, and it was the fifth week when they were finally on the same page, looking in the same direction.
Straight ahead.
To be continued...
Await my next update this weekend. Next chapter will be... "After the Storm".