Chapter Two: Bokanovsky Be Damned
"Eep! What do you do, freeze that shit before smearing it all over me?" Lana sucked air through her teeth at the cold gel on her abdomen, staring daggers at the ultrasound tech.
"Sorry, Ms Kane, I'll try to warm up the gel for you next time. Any troubles or concerns today?", the tech said, watching the screen while rolling the ultrasound transducer around Lana's belly.
"How about Cyril being a big fat 'fraidy puss and leaving this poor doll knocked up and alone? Can that you fix that?", Ray quipped, holding Lana's hand.
This was Lana's third ultrasound appointment, and the second one that Ray had accompanied her to. Ray, who recently had the CPU that controlled his legs replaced, had been spending much more time with his friend ever since Cyril had a nervous breakdown and left not only Lana, but ISIS as well.
No one knew for sure where he went. Aside from a report of a 'Chet Manley' chartering a boat in French Polynesia three weeks after he left, there hasn't been a single clue as to where he went. Frankly, very few people at ISIS cared enough about his absence to actually try tracking him down. Lana also seemed much happier now that he was gone.
"Aww, Ray, honey, it's sweet that you're pissed off at Cyril for leaving me, but trust me, there is no reason to try finding him. Honestly, I believe my kid will be much better off without knowing that trout-shouldered asshole..." Lana trailed off, glancing casually at the ultrasound screen.
The fetus was 4 months along now, and was visible in profile on the screen. Ray stared at the screen, speechless, and started sniffling.
"Oh, it's so god damned beautiful! Lana, dear, your baby is gonna be so friggin' cute!" Ray blew his nose into his handkerchief. Lana could only squeeze his hand in response, doing her best to pay attention to the severely grainy, unfocused image on the screen but to no avail.
"So, Ms Kane, did you want to know the gender of your baby? I can tell you right now if you'd like" the tech asked, smiling.
Lana thought about it for a moment, Ray holding his breath in anticipation. Soon, Lana replied, "How about you just write it down on the printout sheet for me? I'll read it later"
"Awww, dukes!" Ray folded his arms and slumped in his chair, disappointed.
"Of course. Well, everything looks good and healthy here, so unless there's anything else I can answer for you, we're all done", the tech wiped the cold, clear goo off of Lana's belly.
Ray helped Lana sit upright, and grabbed her purse and sunglasses off the table next to him for her. The tech wrote down the gender of the baby on the printed ultrasound picture and handed it to Lana. Without even looking at it, she put it in her purse and they left.
"When were you planning on figuring out if it's gonna be a boy or girl? Because I am literally dying from anticipation...well, anticipation and heat stroke..."
Ray and Lana walked the four blocks back to ISIS headquarters, the heat emanating from the sidewalk making the bottoms of their shoes sticky against the concrete. It was mid-July, and New York was in the midst of a heat wave.
Lana clenched her hand around the strap of her purse; she was struggling to determine that herself.
"I'm not sure, Ray, but let's just wait til we get back to the office...I think I'm melting" Lana wiped the sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand.
"Remind me again why we decided to take a stroll through the sixth circle of Hell instead of taking a nice air conditioned cab back to ISIS like normal people?" Ray whined, squinting as a droplet of sweat got into his eye.
"Because Malory is sending Archer and me to shoot some dictator in the desert in a few months, and I need to acclimate to the heat as much as possible before we go. And we're almost back to the office, so pick up your garters and keep walking!" Lana trudged along, ISIS HQ in sight.
Ray furrowed his brow, and huffed, "...at least I can still wear garters if I wanted to, Little Miss Edema Legs..."
The two walked into Popeye's Suds and Duds, sighing in relief upon entering the air conditioned room. Popeye nodded at them as they went over to the dryer/elevator, pouring a cold beer for himself.
"Hot mother today...mmm hmm. Gonna have to stock up on ice...both kinds. Yessir."
Lana and Ray were startled when the elevator doors chimed opened; Pam and Cheryl were standing directly in front of the door, waiting for them to arrive. Pam was bouncing up and down with excitement, and Cheryl simply followed suit and acted excited too.
Lana rolled her eyes and pushed her way past them.
"No, Pam, I still don't know what the gender of the kid is!" She shouted over her shoulder. Pam's excitement fizzled.
"Aww, shit snacks", she said sadly, wandering back to her desk. Cheryl stayed where she was, looking confused.
"Wait, what were we excited about?"
Lana and Ray parted ways; Archer emerged from Malory's office as Lana walked by.
"Well Lana, is it a boy, or a disappointment? OW!" Archer cringed as Lana whacked him upside his head, hard, with her purse. The ultrasound sheet fell out onto the floor, unnoticed by either agent.
"I don't know yet, you prick. And a girl would be just as good as a boy; I don't care so much about the kid's gender, as long as it's healthy..." Lana shook her head and walked towards the break room.
Archer scowled and rubbed his head. He looked down at the floor, and saw the ultrasound sheet.
"Jesus, hoarding buckles in her purse, crabby and a litterbug...talk about a trifecta of- wait, what the hell...oh my god, no way..."
Archer, with a giant smirk across his face, ran to the break room as fast as he could, holding the sheet in his hand.
"LANA! Lana! Shit, did you read this?! You're...you're-" he looked at her wild-eyed, trying his best not to break out in laughter.
Lana, bewildered, stared at him with her eyes wide open, a full bottle of soda in hand.
"I'm what, Archer ? What's the matter? Wait, where'd you find that?" She grabbed the sheet from him angirly with her free hand and, reading the sheet, dropped her bottle of soda, causing it to shatter on the break room floor.
"YOU'RE HAVING TWINS! And they're BOTH BOYS! Ahh-ha ha! Holy shit, Lana, your vagina's never gonna be the same again! Hey, everyone, Lana's having TWIN BOYS! Woo hoo hoo!"
Archer grabbed the ultrasound picture from her again, and ran out of the break room, laughing maniacally, leaving Lana flabbergasted.
"T-twins...? Oh my god. I'm having twin boys!" The realization settled in, causing a wide grin to spread across her face. Being careful not to step on the sticky broken glass (and muttering something under her breath about getting ants), she bought another bottle of orange soda, then went out to join the circle of coworkers, who were congratulating and/or offering their condolences, depending on their gender.
Archer was Xeroxing the ultrasound sheet and passing the copies around to everyone, still chortling to himself, shouting "TWIN BOYS, LANA!".
"Wow, Lana, didn't think you'd wind up giving birth to a whole litter of kids...ugh, birth..." Cheryl crossed her arms and squished up her nose at the offending word. Lana ignored her craziness, and was then picked up off the floor in a bear hug by a wildly-ecstatic Pam.
"I can't believe you're having two bouncing baby boys! Ooh, I'm gonna have to arrange a baby shower for you soon! You're gonna need all the help you can get!" Pam put a very-smushed Lana back down on her feet.
"What's going on? Why is everyone in a huddle? Did you all join a football team? Because that would just be asinine." Malory came out of her office, holding a drink.
"Mother, you won't believe this! Lana's having twins! Both boys!" Archer put his arm over Lana's shoulder, still chuckling to himself in disbelief.
Malory stared down at Lana's round stomach. "Oh my God...well, don't think you'll be getting any extra maternity leave out of ISIS, Missy! Either way, congratulations, your uterus is now a clown car...be sure to get an all-clear from Dr Krieger before your next assignment, the last headache I need to deal with from this place is another miscarriage lawsuit!" Malory walked off, ignoring the aghast faces of her employees.
"Jesus, what the hell is wrong with her?" Lana questioned after Malory left the room.
Archer, still winding down from the excitement, just patted Lana roughly on the back, "Probably just expressing her joy the best way she knows how...trust me, Lana, she'll probably go eat a puppy now, she's so overwhelmed with happiness...", he said as he rummaged through a random desk and fished out a bottle of brandy.
Lana just shot him a glare, and went back to talking with her coworkers.
Ray came out of the bathroom, zipping up his pants, "What's all the commotion about, y'all?"
He was not pleased to be the last one in the office to learn the good news of Lana's babies.
Later that evening, Dr Krieger sat in his lab, reading through Lana's medical file; Malory had asked him to give Lana a physical the next day, and he wanted to review her records beforehand.
He skimmed down to where the copy of her artificial insemination information was, and gasped when he saw which sperm bank she used.
"...oooh, wow...that'll probably put a monkey wrench in the works."
A glowing, irradiated chimpanzee then tore through the lab, brandishing a wrench in it's hand.
"GODDAMMIT, CHIMPLY, PUT THAT DOWN!"
He closed Lana's file, and chased after his creation, tranquilizer pistol in hand.