Chapter 2:

Boy or Girl?

"Lord father," said Corrin with a bow once the siblings arrived at the foot of King Garon's throne. "It's an honor meeting you again after so many years of isolation. Your wrinkles look the same as they did 13 years ago," he said with an honest and happy tone.

"N-Never mind that!" King Garon said, making a mental note to remind Iago to bring him more of the anti-age cream. "I am pleased to see that your crude yet cheerful demeanor hadn't been crushed into the mud by all those years spent in time out."

"Time out?" Corrin asked with a curious tilt of his head. "Wasn't I held there for years until I was ready to fight the Hoshido army?"

"Er, well," King Garon glanced at Leo who rolled his eyes before nodding. "Yes, that's exactly why you were there for all those years. Right. So, I heard that a certain, um, girlllll-boy!" he said, quickly fixing his mistake once he spotted Leo shaking his head. "A certain boy's birthday was today. And what better way to celebrate such a joyous occasion than squashing your foes into the mud, right Corrin?"

"Oh most certainly, lord father," said Camilla with a polite, lady-like giggle. "It would be good for our dear gem of the kingdom to get some practice done."

"Elise, Elise!" Elise agreed with a childish cheer.

"Okay, here's a map. Go beat the Hoshidians on the other side of the room," King Garon said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"But father, I don't have a sword."

"You know, Leo would finish without a sword, and he wouldn't complain about it one bit," Garon said with a familiar roll of his eyes. "Fine. Iago, get my daughter-"

"-Son," said Leo.

"Get my son a sword."

"Should I grab the cursed one that will slowly drive its user insane or the one that allows the user to bring the dead back to life?"

"Whichever one, they're all the same anyway."

Iago, making sure to keep his half of a mask on, walked over to Corrin and handed him a glowing, purple blade that radiated darkness and evil. "It goes well with your lack of shoes, you filthy barbarian," he muttered under his breath before retreating back into the hole he crawled out of.

"This sword is amazing!" Corrin cried out before bowing again. "It's perfect father, now I will defeat the Hoshidian prisoners. Gunther, Waifu-tron, with me!"

"Understood, master, desu desu," Felicia said, her arms transforming into chainsaws. "Combat mode initiated," her mechanical voice rang throughout the throne room as her eyes became a violent blood-red.

"I will do my best," Gunther said, already wheezing as his horse strolled over to the two captives.

A muscular woman with no weapons and a green-haired ninja were led by a battalion of Nohrian soldiers into the room. A particularly large man roughly shoved ninja stars onto the green-haired young man's hands while a scrawny knight shyly passed on a club to the woman before retreating along with his troops. "You Nohrian bastards are so damn confident that we won't be able to fight back, huh?!" The woman shouted with a murderous flame erupting in her eyes.

"Implying that you cretins will be able to defeat us," said the green-haired man with an icy tone. "Implying that the Hoshido country will bow down to you."

"Hey Leo, how can we understand the Hoshidians? Don't they have a completely different language than ours due to a significantly different culture?"

"Camilla, my dear sister, sometimes it's best to not bother thinking about these sorts of things too hard."

"It's time to fight," Corrin said, rushing at the girl with no caution. It just a few seconds, he found himself locked between her thighs.

"The ultimate technique of the fire tribe, the thunder-thigh lock!" The woman cried out, legs wrapped around Corrin's head. He could feel the blood being cut off from his brain and the other head beginning to reveal itself. "Die, filthy Nohrian!" Twisting back, her hands reached the the floor and spun her body. Next thing Corrin knew, he found himself flying towards the wall on the opposite end of the room.

"Waifu-tron, heal!" he cried out, wondering if the liquid cascading down his face was blood or tears.

"Much too busy murdering Hoshidian foe, desu desu," said Felicia, uniform now dyed a shade of crimson. "Gunther, Master Corrin requires assistance."

"I'm on it, I'm on it," said Gunther, moving through the throne room at the astounding speed of a half-dead snail. "Ol' Reliable has seen better days," he managed to utter after a particularly strong coughing fit.

"Have you ever noticed are units are terrible?" said Camilla.

"Our only saving grace is how awful the Hoshidian army is," said Leo, brushing a lock of hair out of his face.

"Carel-"

"-Corrin," corrected Leo.

"Kamui! Hurry up and finish this map. If Leo were doing it, he'd finish it in half the turns."

"On it, father!" called out Corrin, chugging a vulnerary stolen from Gunther. Swinging his sword around recklessly, giving himself an unintentional haircut as he did so, he launched himself at the fiery woman once more. The club and his blade clashed. "Your strength is admirable, for a Hoshidian."

A savage yet relatable smirk appeared on her visage-most likely mirroring Corrin's. "I could say the same, you pampered Nohrian dog." Both jumped back before clashing once more-their struggle causing goosebumps to travel down Corrin's limbs. "But I will not lose this fight. My freedom is on the line," she said through gritted teeth.

"Then you will never set foot on Hoshidian dirt again," said Corrin, feeling a burst of giddy bloodthirst erupt from inside of him. Suddenly, he backed away and spun around the woman, tripping her with a swipe from his right leg. Once she was down, he pointed his blade at her neck, the grin on his face never dropping. "I win. Now," he offered her his hand. "May I have your name?"

The rage-filled cry was something of a different magnitude-a sound he would never forget. Despite how tall and prideful the woman was, now she bashed her fists on the floor and shouted like a child.

"Finally!" said King Garon with a roll of his eyes. "Charlie-"

"-Carly," smirked Leo.

"-Carly won this dumb chapter so now we can all move on with our lives."

"I did?" Corrin glanced over to the downed body of the green-haired gentleman, surprisingly intact despite the pool of blood around him.

"I finished off the ninja, Master Corrin," Felicia bowed, attempting to be cute by blushing despite being drenched in blood.

"And I'm sure I helped somehow," said Gunther, finally reaching Corrin's side.

"All right, guards, kill the Hoshidians, they're not important to the plot, so they should die pretty easily-"

"No father," said Corrin, running to stand before the king.

"Sounds like someone wants thirteen more years in a forsaken fortress," said King Garon with a furrowed brow.

"Father, I can not let you kill these Hoshidians. It's too much fun playing around with them," said Corrin while the woman began to shout curses at him. "So, I want you to keep the captive."

"Okay, hold on a moment. Elise! There's a jar of cookies with your name on it in the kitchen, so be a dear and get on that, okay sweetie?"

"Elise, Elise!" she shouted, running past the Hoshidians and out the door in just a few steps. Once her shouts were no longer detectable, King Garon swung his axe and created a crater on the tiled floor.

"You dare disrespect your father in front of your siblings and Thunder-Thighs over there?!"

"I do not-"

"Leo! Fix this!"

"Understood," Leo sighed, walking over and casting a spell from his tome. Trees and branches enveloped their bodies before disappearing, leaving no vestige of the two captives.

"Leo, how could you do this?!"

"With this tome," he answered. "All right father, you should retire for now. Swinging that axe must have exhausted you."

"Not really, but trying to remember Kamui's-"

"-Corrin's."

"-Corrin's name certainly has. Very well, I shall retire and attend to that tea party I promised Elise. Meanwhile," once more, he raised his axe and pointed it at Corrin. "I expect you to learn to respect me by the time your birthday party comes around." With those final, amusing words, he left the throne room.

"I hope you're pleased with yourself, Corrin," began Xander, "now father's upset and he will not allow me to bring my fan club to dinner tonight again."

However, Corrin wasn't listening. "Leo, how could you just kill those two? I was going to fight them again! It was so exhilarating."

"They're not dead, I had Elise warp them somewhere else."

"Really?"

"Yes, my brother, however it's not safe to have them remain in the castle," said Leo. "We're going to have to release them."

"What? But, I'll never see them again."

"That's a good thing," chimed in Camilla. "After the damage that shirtless wench did to you, my Corrin dear." Playfully, she hugged him from behind and began to feel around. "Where are those damn Dragon Balls?!" she hissed.

"It's a little unbecoming of a king-to-be," said Xander, "but we don't really have much of a choice. Tonight, we'll meet up behind the castle, understood?" Everyone nodded. "Good," said Xander, smiling at his siblings.

"Corrin! What took you so long?!" Xander said, scowling.

"Sorry, sorry, Felicia volunteered to give me a massage, and I felt numb all over and I'm fairly certain that I have some sort of brain damage," said Corrin. "Anyway, I'm here." He glanced over to the two Hoshidians next to Leo, hands tied behind their backs and sacks over their heads. "This looks macabre out of context."

"Elise…" said Elise, munching on a cookie with a nod.

"Well, not much we can do about it," said Camilla, the handle of her axe resting on her shoulders. "Now then," she raised her weapon like an executioner and brought it down behind the woman. Within seconds, she removed the sack off her head and launched herself at Corrin. Once more, her thighs were crushing Corrin's head. Camilla sighed. "We're setting you free," she said, grabbing the woman by the nape of her neck and throwing her onto the concrete sidewalk of the garden.

"I don't want your mercy…!"

"We're not taking no for an answer," Camilla replied, smirking and bringing down her axe on the rope that bound the green-haired man's hands. He too removed the bag from his hand, but unlike his hot-headed companion, he jumped back and stood behind her. "Seems like his balls are the same size as his health bar," she chuckled as he flushed.

"Go now," said Corrin, stumbling forward so he could talk to the two of them better. "I'm setting you two free."

"Implying we're pets," said the ninja, sighing and leaving through the back gates.

The woman huffed. "You'll regret this day, Nohrian prince." She turned to run, but stopped as Corrin asked her a simple question.

"What's your name?"

"Rinkah," she said before running off. It was the second to last thing Corrin heard from her that night. The last was her foul language as she tripped and sprained her knee. Rinkah limped to freedom, never to be seen again until seven chapters later.