The Search

Just as I feared, the little shared secret from Carmen gnawed at me. It occupied all my thoughts whenever I could afford to let it. This was exactly why I had kept it from Edward, my sweet boy. Heaven only knows the burden it would bring him.

Unable to let the information get lost in the deepest corners of my mind, I explored it. In the months that followed, I studied all of the books in Carlisle's study. He was surprised at my sudden interest but did not question it. Whenever Edward was home, I focused my thoughts on all I read; analyzing and dissecting the information. He laughed at my musings once, advising me not to hurt my head before he brushed his lips on my forehead affectionately. It was the perfect way to keep the secret from him.

I also read without any decision to search for information regarding my talk with Carmen, to avoid Alice's gift. As far as my family knew, I was going through a reading phase.

I moved on to some of Jasper's books. Sometimes human and vampire history ran parallel to each other and crossed lines. After all this research, including books from five big local libraries and the internet; I found nothing. Of course I found nothing!

If the Volturi banished the practice, there would be nothing to leave the suggestion open to the likes of me.

I couldn't call the Denali's to inquire on what they know. That would risk them along with my family. It might be enough for them to turn me in to the Volturi. I was stuck.

Things remained normal at home. Everyone carried on, and my Edward slipped away from us a little more each day. It broke my heart.

While speaking to him and Carlisle one evening a crazy thought occurred to me. I clamped it down before it fully formed and focused my thoughts on Carlisle to distract Edward. He soon excused himself to hunt. I attacked my husband with suggestive role-play. We explored each other pretending to possess different vampire gifts. It was one of our best plays; even if I say so myself. It was surprisingly very delicious and rewarding.

I read all of our books on vampire gifts again in the weeks that followed. When Carlisle curiously asked what it was that I was looking for, and I simply answered that I would find it when I saw it. All the while keeping my thoughts and intended results blank. It had occurred to me that this female vampire may have a gift.

She could pair vampires to their mates – which she shouldn't be punished for. Perhaps she had a gift for evading capture too. The Volturi have hunted her for over a thousand years. I was facing a new challenge then…how did others find her? Or did she find them?

I grew increasingly frustrated without any answers.

I had not decided to ask for her help yet. To my family I was just curious about a little history. Steadily, I kept that as my main focus; refusing to think or plan beyond the unlikely. Since my family had become concerned with my behaviour, I suggested a little time away for Carlisle and I.

We visited our old friends in Egypt.

While there, I read through many of the old scrolls in the libraries of our hosts. They had much more to learn from; and yet no clear answers to fulfil my interest. The little I learned there satisfied my curiosity in confirming the existence of the practise in historical record. Amun and Kebi had added two new to their coven. Benjamin and Tia were beautiful darlings. Benjamin had an incredible gift. I listened captivated by each word of their story and their meeting. There was nothing suspicious about it; only a realization that this was another angle to explore in my research.

Upon our return from that trip, I started a little journal of short stories; which held information on each mated pair I could talk to about how they met. Alice and Rosalie found my new hobby interesting and enjoyed reading the journal entries over and over. Alice even helped identify some who would provide entries worth recording. This resulted in the most travel Carlisle and I had done since we met. Carlisle indulged me and followed wherever I wanted to go without question. He loved meeting new people. This gave us time away from the children as well, something we had never realized we needed.

In just 5 years we had taken 18 trips.

Each trip gave me something to think about for my research. It was hard to not ask anyone outright what I was looking for. I had learnt quickly to be crafty with the questions I asked. Thus far, I had not met a single couple where one of the pairing was a bred mate.

I also knew that no-one would tell me directly.

We visited the Denalis over one weekend. Our family was moving to our next home. Carmen and Eleazar were happy to be documented in my journal. I watched them fall in love again as they retold their story.

I realized that I had not fooled Carmen when we left. She held me close to her and breathed in my ear;

"Look inside Esme. Remember my words, and be careful."

I quickly composed myself from the shock; giving her a curious look. She returned it with two kisses on each of my cheeks and moved onto Carlisle. Her words repeated over and over in my mind all the way home. I brought forward everything she had told me before with perfect clarity; matching it to her latest cryptic message.

It was a warning, I realized.

I wore my heart on my sleeve and was clear as day to her. She was warning me to be careful.

My method was not safe.

It was forbidden.

If anyone suspected my motives - even a little - my family would be in danger.

Carlisle took my hand, bringing me back from where my thoughts wandered. I gave him a bright smile and pushed my thoughts away. There would be time for that later. Rosalie and Emmett were waiting to say their goodbyes to us; after they decided to travel alone for a month. Alice and Jasper excused themselves shortly thereafter to go away for the week. As always, Edward stayed with us.

It was two days later when my world shattered.

I overheard Edward tell Carlisle that he wished to travel by himself. He had no clear destination in mind and didn't know how long he'd be gone. Carlisle did his best to convince him to stay a little longer; and not make any hasty decisions. I sighed in relief when he didn't fight Carlisle. It seemed his decision was only half-hearted.

I, on the other hand became more desperate.

I needed to find the illusive female vampire before my son was lost to me.

Carmen's words repeated in my mind; "Look inside Esme…"

What did that mean? Inside where? Was I supposed to look from within my family given Edward, Jasper and Alice's gifts? Could my Carlisle know? Perhaps Rosalie – she did bring home a bleeding Emmett knowing that he was hers. Was I supposed to look inside myself? Or the Denali's, her family?

WHAT DID SHE MEAN?

I could no longer expose my obvious desperation and interest in vampire mating history to anyone else, especially Edward. It was too dangerous.

I still felt uncomfortable asking Carmen for help directly, or any of the sisters. Did she mean to tell me that this vampire has some sort of gift; and if I 'looked inside' I would find her?

The questions were mounting as was my desperation. I went running alone for hours, thinking over these questions. One thing was for sure, I would die first before I lost another son.

Not my Edward.

A/N I'm rethinking taking off the bloodlust from this story. Will let you know as it progresses. Thank you for reading