After Always...

Castle arms are wrapped around Kate, his breathing quiet and steady. Kate's snuggled up to him, her hand resting on his chest, her cheek against his shoulder. She's unsure if he's asleep for the night or just having the male after-sex nap. Either way she's grateful to have time to pull herself together and think. Crying after sex? So not what she does. Then again, this day has been filled with firsts; why should she be surprised? Still, of all the things to shed tears over, being with Rick shouldn't even make the list. So why had she? Beckett's mind seizes onto the puzzle and begins to lay out the facts.

First of all, nothing in her life has prepared her for this. Her past lovers have been men she met and started dating soon after. The sex usually happened within weeks. She's far from being a virgin, but four years of burning longing, including two years of knowing & denying she loved him...now she understands a bit that ancient ritual of waiting until marriage. It's to blow the couple's mind on their wedding night.

Of course, there's also the love factor. She's never been in love, at least not like this. Rick Castle is her one and done. She'd tried to deny she'd been falling for him after his fling with the starlette. How could she be falling for someone so easily seduced, so...naive? Demming had been the perfect distraction, only not quite... She still doesn't like to think about that moment when he left with Gina, that feeling that she'd been right all along: the man had a short attention span and she'd never be enough.

"I've been right here! " That's what he'd said. She can mostly agree with that, certainly since Gina. When he came back from the Hamptons it was easy to hide her hurt in the relationship with Josh. Staying away from Rick...not so easy. She could have just banished him from the precinct that fall, only she couldn't do it. She'd thought they could just be friends...but then they'd kissed undercover and the memory of it began to haunt her dreams. Then in L.A...she'd almost cheated on Josh. The guilt made her try harder. In retrospect she should have just ended it then. Instead...

God, how had he stood it and still showed up for her, for them? He'd showed more jealousy over his protege writer, than for Josh. She'd felt horrible with every woman he even looked at... Maybe because, unlike her, he hadn't been trying to deny his feelings? She, after all, was the one with the wall. She HAD been the one with the wall. One that Dr. Burke had made her see she'd started building the night her mom had been murdered.

Yet, Castle had still gotten in. With his silliness and sugar-rushed charm, his books his words, his friendship and caring...and coffee. Coffee...just to see her smile. The depth of his love for her, his patience - a word she never thought she'd use to describe him - she'd seen that with her parents, with Roy and Evelyn...no, not going there.

Rick is the kind of love she'd always dreamed of. Sure, she'd been furious about his trying to protect her as if she was Alexis. Still, in the end he HAD told her what he'd done and let her go discover the truth the hard way. God, she wished she could take that moment back, but old habits die hard. She's always been stubborn and hates feeling anything is trying to control her...and she'd nearly died because of it, because she's let what they did to her mom CONTROL her.

She thinks about it now and wonders at his strength. Could she have let him...or anyone, go do something that would likely get them killed? The closest she'd come is watching him ride off with Slaughter, and even then she'd kept her eye on him... She certainly hadn't told him that she'd be doing that. Then again she hadn't tried to stop him either. Could she have...

Sighing, she lifts up a bit so she can see his face. There really is no point in second guessing herself - or him. Out of love they'd both done what they thought was best to keep the other safe. If she's held any doubts about his love for her, tonight obliterated them. She'd walked away from his love, hadn't even really listened to his fear and what the scenario he was describing meant. He wasn't Montgomery, protecting her to atone for a mistake; he just was trying to...protect her. "If you care anything for me at all." The words haunt her now. How could she have just let him go?

Yet, despite all of that, he'd let her back in, heard her out, and forgiven her. That alone was more than proof enough, but then there is the sex. Sex by itself can be intense, but sex with Rick is beyond intense. It's expansive, consuming, explosive, sweet...words seem inadequate. The closest is simply making love...until tonight the term hadn't made much sense to her. That's what it is though. Her memory is flashing images of them together, and of the way he looked when she'd first kissed him.

God, he's so helpless in how he wants her... She's never understood the depths of his desire in all the years of teasing. That kiss under cover had caught her off guard, so she hadn't completely taken in his reaction. Her own arousal had blindsided her so that she'd actually forgotten where they were and why - and that was before she'd dived in for the second one, the one where the heat had shot through to her core, made her wet, made her moan against his mouth. She hadn't noticed his awed look until after she'd taken the guard out. That she'd shut down quickly because she was dating Josh and if they talked about it she'd have to own that the kiss was more than just a tactical diversion. She hadn't been ready for that.

"What are you thinking about?"

His voice startles her as he'd spoken his eyes still closed. Now he blinks them open, and she's looking into his soft and sleepy blue eyes.

"Didn't mean to wake you."

"You think pretty loudly."

She rolls her eyes at that, but with a smile, all while running her fingers through his hair.

"Maybe I'm just admiring your ruggedly handsome face."

"Not that I can't see the appeal, but I don't think that's what's keeping you awake."

Kate sighs. He knows her way too well. How can she begin to explain that his unleashed passion has humbled her, that until tonight she's never known what it was like to hold a man's heart in her hands? She has driven men crazy with lust, that she knows. She knows her own sex drive runs high, has experienced the desire to be fucked senseless...but she hadn't WANTED those men, hadn't felt like something was missing if they weren't there. With Rick, she wants him: his crazy theories, his smiles, the sweetness of his heart, his understanding. She wants the feel of him walking by her side, sitting next to her in the car...and crushing her against the door, his mouth ravaging hers, hands everywhere, beneath her in his bed, inside her with that dazed look of wonder & bliss.

Ironic how these guys, this Dragon, had been trying to take her life. Instead, they've helped her find it. She can't help but suspect that if she hadn't been shot and forced into therapy she would have never been truly ready for her & Rick. The killers have inadvertently helped her take her life back: to let go of the past, live in present, and to see a future for herself - her and Castle. Would she ever have confronted that wall, to have been able to see things so clearly, without that bullet through her chest?

Kate chuckles ruefully. It would have been nice if her vision had cleared BEFORE rushing to be kicked around and almost falling off a building, but it's not the first time she's nearly died. That wall had kept her from seeing so much, but tonight, when Ryan had pulled her up off the edge of the roof, the last of the wall had crashed down... Now, how to put her thoughts into words, because while her mind may process things a mile a minute, saying what she understands is something else entirely.

"I'm thinking about time...and you. I wish I could have...done this sooner."

Castle is quiet a moment.

"You know, my marriage to Meredith was a huge mistake. We're nothing alike. We didn't want the same things...but at the time I couldn't see that. The Paradox is -"

"- If you hadn't married her you wouldn't have Alexis."

"Exactly. As much as it hurt to realize...she was cheating, I can't regret that I married her."

"She cheated? ...God, Rick...she IS crazy."

Rick laughs at that, and she grins. It's nice to be the one making him laugh for a change. Impetuously she plants a playful smacking kiss on his mouth. However, Rick quickly changes the tempo to something soft and sweet and in it she feels the truth of it all, that nothing could have been different. When the break apart she's smiling down at him with misty eyes.

"It was worth it."

"What was?"

"Getting shot."

Castle whole body goes still.

"Excuse me."

"Like Meredith."

"That isn't what I meant by that! My God, Kate you almost died!"

She feels his arms tighten around her, hears the anguish in his voice. She wants to sooth him, but also wants him to understand...

"I almost died today, too, Rick, but I can't...regret it. It, all of it, is why I'm here now."

"We'd have gotten here eventually."

"Would we?"

She pulls out of his embrace and maneuvers so she's sitting up, her back against the headboard. Sighing, Castle does the same.

"When I got shot, you told me you loved me. Were you planning on telling me that?"

"Not fair, Kate."

"Ugh! Rick, I didn't mean it like that! Just listen, then you can argue."

"Fine."

He crosses his arms in front of him.

"You told me you loved me...and I believed you, but then when I woke up it was all tangled up with the shooting and Montgomery. Josh was there being an ass -"

She smiles at Castle's wide eyes and raised eyebrows, but he doesn't say anything.

"- my entire body hurt. Loud sounds terrified me and I felt nervous all the time. When I found out the department insisted I had to see a shrink I complained, but...it was a bit of a relief. It was Dr. Burke that helped me see how I didn't let people in, that I had that wall."

"That's his name, Dr. Burke?"

"Yeah...Rick, I honestly didn't know that wall was there. I knew I loved you, but -

" - Wait, you KNEW you loved me? When?"

Kate felt her face flush. She hadn't meant to get into this.

"It was complicated, Rick...I was good at denying my feelings and making excuses..."

"When."

"Before you left with Gina."

"But you were with Demmings."

"I was...but I ended with him when I realized despite my fears...I'd rather spend a weekend with you than him."

He looks perplexed.

"Why didn't..."

She sees the realization on his face and looks away. It shouldn't feel so humiliating that he knows. She's in his bed and they've made love twice and...

"Kate, I -

"It doesn't matter now, Castle."

"I wish I...hooking up with Gina again wasn't one of my brightest moves."

Kate shrugs.

"You like blondes."

Dear God, did that just pop out her mouth?

Rick's hand on her leg startles her and she turns back to look at him. His eyes are dark and fierce.

"Don't you ever, EVER, go blonde, Kate."

She nods.

"I wasn't planning on it."

"Good."

His thumb is making little circles on her thigh as his hand moves up higher and higher and higher. His eyes however are focused on her face, seemingly oblivious.

"For the record..."

Rick's voice is light and conversational, his mouth quirked into that cute little half-smile. Only his eyes, a deep glittering blue, betray the seriousness of his words.

"I actually prefer brunettes. Blondes have never really captured my heart. Makes them a heck of alot safer to date."

"Oh."

She really can't process his words because he's shifted to running his thumb up and down the line that joins her thigh to her pelvis and she's completely distracted by it. Is he going to touch her where she's suddenly burning, where she needs him to touch?

"That wasn't very convincing Kate."

His hand cups her center briefly, not touching it, not sliding in. She can't tear her eyes from his, can't think, can barely breathe, managing only quick, shallow breaths.

"I think I need to prove just how much I appreciate brunettes - especially smart, sexy, maddening ones."

His words penetrate the haze of being turned on. Prove? Kate grabs his wrist.

"Rick, you don't have anything to prove. I never thought I had to be blond to get your attention."

In a move that alot of women couldn't do with Kate's ease and grace, she is up on her knees straddling his thighs.

"You've always been clear on the fact that you want me. If anything, I should be the proving how much I want you."