A/N: did I mention that this was a modern au? Well, if you don't like modern au's, sorry to burst your bubble :]

February 5th

Dear Enjolras,

I just got back from your funeral. You didn't look like...you. You looked lifeless, but I guess that's because you are. I tried not to cry at your funeral because you hate when I cry, but it couldn't be helped. I miss you so much. Les Amis try to keep an eye on me because they think that if I start to miss you too much, I might follow you. Once again, I thought that idea was ridiculous, but looking at it objectively, they're right.

They even had a talk with me about it last week. Seemed more like an intervention, though.

"Éponine," Combeferre started. The whole gang was sitting in my front room. "come sit down,"

I obliged. "What's this all about?"

"We know that everything has been tough on you lately,"

"And?" I was a bit irritated. They were looking at me as if I were a helpless child.

"We decided," Joly cut in. "that it would be best if we all took turns looking after you,"

"I don't need anyone 'looking after' me. I'm a grown woman for goodness sake,"

"We know, Ép," Feuilly said.

"We just want to make sure you're okay," Courfeyrac added.

"Please, Éponine?" Combeferre asked. I guess now that you're gone, Combeferre has been leading the group. He's been doing his best to keep everything together.

"Fine," I reluctantly agreed.

Earlier today, before your funeral, was especially hard on me. Luckily for me, Grantaire was 'in charge' which I usually don't mind because he lets me drink as much beer as I want. I was standing in the kitchen while R was watching tv or something. I was already ready but the funeral didn't start for another hour, so I started doing the dishes.

I started to feel so angry. I was angry at R for just sitting around. I was angry at Les Amis for always having someone in my flat. I was even angry at you for getting yourself shot. And then I felt anger boiling inside because I was the one who beg to go with you to the protest. If I wasn't there, you wouldn't have had to protect me from those damn bullets. I bursted into tears and smashed a plate onto the floor. Then another. And by the time R got into the kitchen, I had already broken some cups too.

"Éponine! What the hell?" R yelled, a bit drunk.

"It's all my fucking fault!" I yelled back, tears streaming down my face. "It's because of me that Enjolras is dead! Because I don't know how to stay the fuck home! Right? Aren't I right? I mean, that's the reason why you guys keep my at home! So I don't get one of you killed!"

"Éponine," R said quietly.

"What?! Are you scared little 'Ponine will burst?!" I felt a strange sarcastic smile pull at the corners of my mouth while I yelled. "I'm fucking sick and tired of everyone thinking they know what's best! You and the rest of those bastards parading around my flat like I have no power over myself, like I'm nothing without Enjolras. Well you know what?! I was fine without Enjolras before, and I'll be fine now!" I'll be fine now. I had said it more to assure me than to prove a point R.

I stopped yelling, realizing what had just happened. I stooped down to pick up the shattered ceramics. "Damn it, I'll have to by new dishes,"

"Éponine, get a broom,"

"No, no. I can do it,"

"You'll cut yourself. Now get up," I obliged. "Tell me, what that all was about. Are angry at Les Amis for trying to look out for you? Are you saying that you never loved Enjolras, 'cause that's what I'm hearing,"

"I didn't mean it,"

"Then what did you mean?"

"Well I don't want to talk about it," I muttered as I left the kitchen to fix my make up.

"You'll have to eventually!" R shouted to me. He was right. I did need to talk about this. I just needed...time, I guess.

It was times like these where I wish you would hold me close and make the outside world disappear.

Love Always,

Éponine