I was dreading returning to school the next day. Dreading the judging stares, but dreading the pity even more. I could deal with people treating me like dirt, the homophobic comments, the occasional punch for staring at someone who didn't 'play for my team', per se. Yes, those I could deal with. But, pity? No. I hated the looks of despair. People constantly trying to sympathise with me when I knew they never could. Always trying to make sure I was ok.

Which was why, when my mother knocked on the door and yelled at me for not getting up, I simply picked up the blade on my bedside table.

I hadn't noticed my bedroom door open, so when I hear a low gasp, I looked up in shock. I expected to see my mum standing there, gaping, but, no, it was Arthur.

'What are you doing?' I snapped, instantly feeling guilty. But, let's be honest, I was not a morning person.

'I knew you'd be reluctant to go back to school, so I decided to see if I could help you feel the strength to by giving you a pre-school pep talk. I didn't think you'd be harming this early in the morning.' Arthur looked distressed, so I threw the blade back into the cluttered bedside table.

'There. Happy?' I scowled.

'No, but then again, I should've known you wouldn't stop overnight. It took me ages to even find the strength to talk, even after everyone did find out.' Arthur sighed at his own stupidity.

'Well, I just felt like I could trust you. Hell of a lot of good that did me though. Now I've got you barging in on me at this ungodly hour of the morning. How did you even know where I lived?' I didn't want to make Arthur feel bad, but I could tell that was the way our conversation was headed anyway, so I decided I may as well go along with it. 'Stalker,' I added with a smirk.

'Actually, if you must know, I looked on the contact information page on my trainee teacher account for school.' Arthur was defensive, but I could see a sheepish smile creeping up on his lips.

'Well, your efforts are wasted,' I tried to be as stubborn as I could. 'I'm not going into school and being treated like a zoo animal on display. I went through it once; I'm NOT going through it again.'

'Oh? And when did you go through this before?' I could tell Arthur was genuinely curious, which made me blush a violent shade of red. How could I have been so stupid? I had assumed everyone knew about my sexuality, but, now that I thought about it, Arthur hadn't even been in school when I came out, so it made sense that he didn't know. It was common knowledge now, so I don't think anyone would've thought to mention it to him. Arthur, noticing my sudden colour change, raised one eyebrow questioningly.

'Never mind,' I mumbled. 'Now, if you don't mind, could you please leave.' It wasn't a request, it was a command. Of course, Arthur didn't seem to notice that.

'No.' I sat there, gaping at his short refusal. 'Not until I can convince you to get off your lazy arse and face your friends. They are still your friends, you know.'

'I'm pretty sure teachers can't swear in front of students.' I quipped, choosing to ignore his last point.

'Well, I'm hardly a teacher am I? And I doubt I will ever be one if the school finds out I've made a house call for something unrelated to school.'

'Your visit's hardly unrelated to school,' I began, 'it's just not directly related. You're still here because you want me to go to school which, last time I checked, had something to do with school.'

'Oh harhar very clever,' Arthur smirked sarcastically, but I could tell he was suppressing a real grin, which broke though moments later when I stuck my tongue out at him.

Then, my alarm, which I'd set on snooze for half an hour, went off again. 'Shit,' Arthur muttered, knowing he was going to be late to school, too, if we didn't get a move on. So, he hastened the pep talk, leaving out any time for banter. 'I know it's difficult because everyone knows, or at least that's what it feels like, but the longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. Trust me, when my friends found out, I wasn't in school for 2 weeks, and during that time, the rumour mill was working its magic. By the time I returned, people had thought I'd gone to rehab after getting caught in a drugs bust and was somewhere in the Middle East.' Arthur laughed sadistically, before continuing, 'I know it doesn't feel like it can get worse, but trust me,' he grimaced, 'it can. Now, I'll leave you to get dressed, and I'll meet you downstairs. Hunith has very kindly agreed to let me drive you to school as long as I can "get you out of this funk."' And with a quiet chuckle, he was gone, closing the door behind him.

I contemplated the issues. On one hand, I didn't want to go to school so soon, but on the other, being one of the victims to those vicious rumours was something I vowed I'd never be. Plus, it meant riding in Arthur's car, which was said to be one of those posh black soft top sports cars, which would definitely give me a little bit of a higher ground against all the judgment. So, I jumped quickly from my warm bed, ignoring the sudden cold of the hard wood floor against my bare feet, and threw on black skinnies and a white polo shirt with the school logo, a dragon, on it. Then, carefully, I pulled the black school jumper on over my head, clenching my jaw as the fabric aggressively scratched over my delicate new scrapes. Thick black socks and plain black Vans completed my look. I glanced in the mirror, checking myself over one last time, catching sight of my abominable hair. I blushed furiously at the thought of Arthur seeing it stick up in all directions like that and not tell me. I grabbed a comb off my dresser and scraped it through the knots until my hair had that smooth finesse I had every day. Why should my hair not be perfect, just because I wasn't?

I stumbled clumsily into the adjacent bathroom and scrubbed my teeth vigorously. I grabbed my spray-on deodorant and applied it hastily as I staggered down the stairs into the kitchen. I glanced at Arthur, who was sitting patiently at the dinner table, before collecting the lunch money my mum had left me and the now-cold toast sitting on the white granite counters.

'Hunith had to leave for work,' Arthur began, but there was something in his voice, something that made my worry.

'You didn't tell her, did you?' I interrupted. Arthur nodded. 'WHAT?' I positively screamed, not caring that I would wake up the neighbours in the town house next to ours with my angry outburst. 'How could you do this? I trusted you! I thought you, of all people, would understand the dread I had of my mum finding out. Couldn't we have just dealt with my issues without her involvement? Great, now she's going to go around and tell all her gossipy little friends. As if it wasn't bad that the whole school knows, now you want the whole city to know, too?' I was on the verge of tears.

'Merlin,' Arthur said warily. 'Your mum's not like that. She cares. She deserves to know what her son's going through. She can help. Together we can help you. And do you really think she's going to tell all her friends about an important and devastating situation that her own son is going through? Have a little faith in me, Merlin. I know what I'm doing.' I grunted in disbelief. 'I really do. My mum helped me so much through this, even though she was dying of cancer. So, when she did…you know, 'Arthur swallowed, but then continued, 'I didn't hurt myself anymore, knowing it would dishonour her memory.'

'But, I don't need my mum.' Arthur looked like he wanted to add something else, so I explained, 'I have you.' We both blushed a little at the confession, but it soon passed, because Arthur, once again, immediately understood what I was saying, and counter argued with the extraordinarily valid point that now, I could get better twice as fast.

'I s'pose,' I mumbled, hating to admit it to myself that Arthur was right.

Arthur grinned that gorgeous triumphant grin of his, before checking his watch. 'Shit,' he swore for a second time that morning, and said, 'get your lazy arse in gear, or we really will be late.'

I was tempted to say, 'you really love my lazy arse, don't you?' after picking up on the fact that that was the second time this morning he'd mentioned it, but I decided against it. After all, he was nearly a teacher, obviously straight, and probably would never want anything to with me again if he knew I was gay. Not to mention that both Gwen and I had obsessed over his beauty and gorgeousness from the first day he'd arrived at our school. I quickly pushed all inappropriate thoughts of Arthur from my mind as he led the way to the front door, trying my very hardest not to marvel at how perfect his arse looked through those light-wash jeans.

Soon, we were pulling up to the school gates, students and teachers alike open-mouthed in awe at the flashy vehicle.

'I assume you normally drive in early to avoid this kind of attention?' I felt badly about putting Arthur in the spotlight, but, hey, he was the one who'd wanted to drive me in.

Arthur parked swiftly in his allotted space in the staff car park, and I hopped out, not sure what to think as the awed faces turned to judgmental ones to ones of complete pity. All I knew was that pit in my stomach I'd felt after announcing I was gay to the entire canteen last year when I was 15 was gradually returning. As were those feelings of total stupidity and hate for myself.

I'd made that announcement 6 months ago, and the cutting started 3 months later, when I couldn't take the glares of anger and disgust anymore. The cutting helped loads, because whenever someone gave me a 'look' after that, I could simply reassure myself that I was being punished for being gay in my own way, so I needn't worry about other people's punishments anymore.

But, now, just as people had started to accept that I was still, me, Merlin, I just didn't fancy Gwen like everyone thought I did, their views changed again. Now, I was Merlin, the kid who hurts himself for attention and wants the whole world to feel guilty for him. At least, that's what I heard a group of giggling Year 9 girls stage whisper as they walked past.

Why had I come into school? Why was I putting myself through all this again? The cutting would be harder to stop now, I knew. Because now, I felt I had to punish myself for cutting myself as well as for being gay, clumsy, and having a habit of producing word vomit wherever I went.

Of course, I couldn't tell Arthur that I was gay, and that it was the reason I'd started cutting; which also meant it would be harder for him to help he stop. Not that I cared.

I was starting to realise I much preferred being the gay kid of the school, and just that, with my self-harming habits buried deep within. But, now, I was the emo gay kid who, as the Year 10 boys who now walked past said none too quietly, wanted people to know so I'd finally get laid, even if it was out of pity. Because, according to them, that's how low I was.

Judging by Arthur's worried but impatient expression, I must've been frozen there like a deer in the headlights for quite some time. Luckily, he didn't pick up on the whispers, which confirmed my suspicions that only I was meant to hear the harsh words.

'You ok?' He asked, genuinely concerned about my well being. And at that moment, I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be by my side. In thanks to him being there, I decided I would brave the hate and stand strong, hoping I would make him proud in the process. I plastered a smile on my face, but I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes.

I was still mad for making me come to school, and telling my mum, and he knew it. But, before he could apologise again, a slender body tackled me from behind.

'Merlin!' Gwen all but shrieked. 'I'm so glad you came in. I didn't think you would, but I guess we have Arthur to thank for your holy presence.'

I was glad that Gwen was being her usual self around me; it was just what I needed. Gwen's bubbly smile lit up even more when I spun around and returned the embrace, grinning a proper grin for what felt like the first time in years. It hadn't escaped my attention that Gwen was winking at me and looking from Arthur to me and back to Arthur, but I ignored it. I didn't want Gwen to ruin Arthur's attitude towards me, most certainly not after we'd become so close so quickly.

Arthur seemed to notice the not-so-subtle looks Gwen was giving us, so he smiled awkwardly and my stomach did a little flip. I gasped. My stomach had never flipped before. Not even for Lance, the most attractive boy in our year. I quickly covered for my shock by slapping Gwen on the arm and smirking shiftily back at Arthur.

The bell rang just as Arthur checked his watch nervously, and Gwen and I began to make our way to our mutual form room. I smiled back at Arthur, waving softly. But, he wasn't there. I turned around solemnly, only to be knocked back by a wall of muscle.

'Well well well,' sneered Valiant, the notorious school bully. 'What have we here? Our favourite little gay boy is so upset he can't help but put himself in pain. How sad.' He laughed manically, along with his leering cronies. 'You shouldn't have gone through the trouble of harming yourself, when we could've done it for you.' They were closing into a bully circle, and began pushing me around.

'Stay away from him!' Gwen cried.

'Ohh! Little gay boy's got himself a girlfriend. How ironic.' Mordred joined in. He was a year younger than us, but was tall, lean, and totally obnoxious, the perfect bully.

I felt the mocking would never end, and I found myself more concerned about Gwen and being late to class than I was about myself. I feared they had a point. If I'd just taken the abuse from them instead of abusing myself, none of this would be happening. Why couldn't I do anything right?

The pushing and shoving got rougher, more aggressive, and Gwen was standing on the outskirts of it all, with Mordred leering over her like the massive perv he was.

'Step away from them.' I looked up to see the authoritative figure of our head teacher, Mr. Gaius looming over the bullies. He then proceeded to write down every boy's name that was in the circle, and swore he would give them out-of-school suspension if it were to happen again; for now, it was 3 senior detentions per boy, 4 for Mordred and 5 for Valiant.

It wasn't a surprise that he didn't need to ask them for their names, as each and every one of them was in the head teacher's or head of year 11's office at least once every week; Mordred and Valiant, up to 4 times.

I was shaking as they stepped away, muttering curses and sending rude gestures my way, as though it was somehow my fault that they'd been caught doing something as stupid as forming a massive bully circle in the empty field.

Gwen ran over and hugged me tight; I could feel my jumper getting damp from her tears. Normally, it was just me they targeted, but, because Gwen was there, this time, they went for her too. And I felt guiltier than I ever had in my life for pulling her into such a traumatic experience.

I apologised the whole way to the head teacher's office, not wanting Gwen to hate me. She was all I had right now. Arthur didn't count at the moment. I hadn't forgotten the way he'd left without saying goodbye. The way he'd left me to be tormented by those horrible people. Now, I was certain I couldn't trust him with knowing I was gay. Especially because he'd probably tell my mum that, too.

I was still apologising and silently cursing Arthur when we made it to Mr. Gaius' office. To my dismay, Arthur was standing there already, looking like he was about to be sick. When he saw me, his expression changed to one of relief. He hugged me tightly, but I just let my arms dangle by my side, refusing to return any affection.

'Merlin? Are you ok?' My lack of warmth hadn't slipped under Arthur's radar.

So he's not totally incompetent, I thought snidely, giving him a cold glare before ripping myself from his embrace.

'Well, why don't we start from the beginning then, shall we?' Mr. Gaius, although he had managed to see a fight from the tiniest window in his office, could not feel the cold atmosphere that engulfed the room.

'Yea, ok,' came my response, totally ignoring Arthur's concern.

'What happened to instigate this?'

I looked at Gwen, and she nodded in encouragement. 'Well, sir. You see, a few months ago, I began to…' I swallowed, unable to finish my sentence.

'Self harm' Gwen cut in.

I smiled sadly in thanks before continuing. 'Yea, what Gwen said. Anyways, it was discovered during Drama class yesterday, and, well, you know how gossip spreads. So, today, loads of people have been whispering really harsh stuff, and Valiant must've heard about it, because he was pushing me around and saying stuff like, "you shouldn't have cut yourself, we can do that."' I heard a sharp gasp come from Arthur, but I chose to ignore it. I didn't even know why he was here.

'They also said stuff about you being g—'

'—Emo.' I interrupted Gwen, before casting her a sideways glance.

Thankfully, she picked up on it and added, 'greatly emo.'

The bell for our first lesson rang, and Mr. Gaius appeared to have written down everything he needed, because he dismissed us, muttering something about emailing our form tutor to inform her that Gwen and I were in school, so we didn't get in trouble.

I sighed in relief as soon as we escaped the clammy heat of the cramped office.

'Merlin! Merlin!' I turned around to see Arthur calling to me, and if I wasn't mistaken, which I rarely was, tears were forming in him eyes.

'Let's go,' I said to Gwen, choosing to ignore Arthur's desperately apologetic cries.

'But, Merlin…' Gwen didn't like ignoring people, or making them upset in any way. It was one of the things I loved about her, but not right now.

'I'm sorry Gwen, but he left me to be attacked, and I don't think I can deal with him anymore. Thinking he knows how I feel. Like my experience is anything like his! He's not gay! He doesn't know what it's like.' I hissed that last bit angrily.

Thankfully, Gwen's loyalties lay with me far before they lay with that arrogant prat, so she simply shrugged before we parted ways, going into classrooms on opposite sides of the corridor.