Dragoness: *is being chased by scary Gaara in a panda suit across screen* Why, Gaara, why?
Gaara: I'M NOT A PANDA! AND STOP TRYING TO PAINTBALL ME!
Izuna: But you LOOK like one...
Gaara: Not helping...
Dragoness: And Kankuro told me you were! Anyway, what do you have against paintball?
Gaara: Kankuro shall die.
Dragoness: But I own you! I AM YOUR MASTER! DANCE, PUPPET OF MINE!
KUKUKUUU!
Gaara: Erm... No, you don't own me. I think I'd know if I was owned by someone crazier than the Shukaku
Dragoness: ...He's right. DARN YOUR LOGIC! AND DARN YOU FOR HATING PAINTBALL!
Izuna: *stage whisper* Temari! That's your cue!
Temari: *rolls eyes* Thank you very much for reviewing, Jakedude-sama. These evil authors are making me stay here to thank people. I'm not a damn Thankyou sign!
Izuna: Yes, you are.
Temari: *grumbles more*
Izuna: We thank reviewers with a (kidnapped) character of choice! Now, isn't that nice? Oh, and if you don't mention anyone, we choose someone RANDOM
Madara yawned, sitting up. He had been having the most wonderful dream, a dream where he defeated Hashirama, became Nidaime Hokage, and then it started raining yellow rubber duckies that sounded like his long-dead brother, Izuna...
Ah. After-effects of the caffeine pills, no doubt. He'd been given the pills five days earlier, and was still being affected. What the hell had he been DOING while hyper? Hidan and Zetsu had tried to assassinate him seven times after his hyper day, Itachi had been giving him Uchihaly nervous looks, and Deidara had been avoiding him. Let's not forget that Orochimaru was now stalking him, of course.
Just another added bonus.
He strode over to his full-length black wrought-iron mirror.
Presumably it was black. Well, the last time Madara had seen it, it was black. At the current moment it was yellow, from thousands of tightly-packed sticky notes. He peered drowsily at the one in front of his nose. It said, 'Buy red and black velvet to make Izuna-chan a new member's robe'. Below it was the sticky note containing the details of the Moon's Eye Plan. Under that was his shopping list.
He washed his face with icy water in the sink beside the mirror. His messy black hair flopped over his face sleepily. He half-heartedly blew the hair out of his eyes, looking at his boxer-clad reflection. After wondering momentarily why, if he was over a hundred years old, he only had a few thousand sticky notes; he grabbed a bottle of styling gel from the cabinet beside his mirror. He carefully styled his hair into its perfect spikes, blatantly showing the typical hair- obsession Uchihas were so famed for. Every self-respecting Uchiha washes his hair twice daily and uses expensive styling gel!
Madara stalked over to his closet. He opened the door, and Orochimaru leapt out. Seeing as he was tackling Madara, he went right through the Uchiha. "MADARA-KUN!" he shrieked joyously. He stared up at Madara with starry eyes and a nosebleed. Madara looked down, realizing he was standing in front of his obsessed stalker maskless and in only his boxers. An absolutely excellent start to the day, the usual catch to being an Uchiha.
Madara sighed. "Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu" And Orochimaru was no more.
However, neither was the wall that had looked out onto the lair's mountain scenery. Madara scratched his head contemplatively. "It was worth it." he finally said. "Being stalked by snake closet perverts was rather annoying. At least now I can get a deck." he fastened his mask on quickly. "But are Sannins really that easy to kill?"
He spotted a neon pink note floating to the scorched floor where the snake-stalker had been standing. Madara deftly caught it. "Blah blah blah... Orochimaru's Laboratories Incorporated proud to be sponsored by London Drugs, McDonalds, Britney Spears, etc, etc... Ah! The real message.
'Hello, Madara my sweet. I'm sure that was an accidental Fire style Giant Fireball. I know accidents like that happen to me all the time. You needn't worry, I escaped without a scratch. Learning every jutsu can come in handy! So, would you like to go on a date to the Ramen store in Oto? I made sure that its ramen is better than Konoha's.
Respond soon, Madara-kun! You're even more kawaii than Sasuke-kun!
PS: Itachi spotted me sneaking into your room, so we had to get rid of him.'"
Madara thoughtfully shredded the paper and absorbed it into the eyehole of his mask. There. No-one else should find it now. Now, to find out what Orochimaru did to Itachi...
After getting dressed, Madara slowly opened the door to his room.
Seeing that the lair was still intact after Orochimaru's miniature invasion, and that Deidara hadn't spotted Orochimaru and tried to blow himself up 'in self defence' (again), he exited.
On cue, Deidara ran up with a speed rivalling Madara's. Madara watched him approach with a hidden smile, and at the right moment, tripped the nuke-nin. To his credit, Deidara somersaulted the second he hit the ground, somehow ending in a kneeling position. "Did you just trip me, un?" he practically yelled, edgier than usual.
Madara lowered his head and crossed his legs, pretending to look nervous. "Noo, sempaii, I'd NEVER!"
Deidara still looked at him suspiciously. "I'll get you for that later. That's not important. I need to find Leader-sama, un!"
Madara breathed out an imperceptible sigh of relief. He didn't feel like dodging bombs. "Aah, is it about Itachi-San, sempai?" he asked in a cunning Tobi voice.
Madara looked down the hall. Deidara had disappeared. Madara had thought that only HE could use the space-time ninjutsu. "Sempaii, where'd ya go?"
Then he heard what had made Deidara run for his life-um, to Leader.
There was a deep growling sound. It sounded like the growler was hysteric. Odd. Very odd. Madara cautiously tiptoed toward the noise, not even wanting to use chakra to dampen the sound of his footsteps. The halls were empty and echoed slightly. He peered into Kisame and Itachi's room, and saw Itachi, Sharingan eyes ablaze, chewing on a pillow and staring at him. "Damn you, Orochimaru" Madara thought. A lightbulb clonked him on the head. Then, randomly, he got a genius idea-bomb that had no relevancy to the lightbulb.
Madara rapidly retreated, running into Pein and Deidara. "Diagnosis?" Pein asked shortly.
"What do you take me for, a goddamn medic?" Pein's eyes flickered to Deidara. He was clearly thinking something along the lines of, 'What the hell are you thinking, Uchiha?' Madara carried on, unaffected. "Orochimaru's made our little Uchiha rabid. I have a plan-" Madara shot a glance at a very irritated and slightly confused Deidara "-Leader-Sama."
Pein caught the hint. "Deidara, would you go find Kisame? His partner, his responsibility." Narrowing his eyes, Deidara ran off in search of the fishy. Fishy fishy fishy. Fishy FISHY fishy fishy. Fishy fishy FISHY-
"Stop that, it's kind of weird. Can we just carry on? I want some dango." Madara interrupted Izuna (the author not the ducky)'s rant.
Pein decided that it would be best for the Akatsuki as a whole if he just pretended that their true leader wasn't talking to the nonexistent little voices in his head. He cleared his throat meaningfully, the meaning of course being, Shut the hell up so I can pretend you're sane, sir. He cleared his throat again. And again. And again. After seventeen meaningful throat-clearings, Madara looked up.
"Do you need some cough medicine? I have some right here." he began to rummage in the pockets that his cloak technically didn't have. He produced a plastic bottle covered with little skulls and signs saying, 'DO NOT CONSUME'. He held out the bottle. There was a pile of dust inside. Madara peered in. "Hmm. Maybe it's a little past its expiry date. When my father made it, this container was full of LIQUID..."
"Ehh... No thanks, I'll be fine. But, ehm, do you have a plan? About Itachi, sir?" Pein asked cautiously, trying to reassume the original, rather important topic.
"Of course, idiot!" Under his mask, Madara was as flustered as Uchihaly possible. Uchihas don't babble like that, or show concern!
They're cold and heartless! They-damn, babbling again. "Ehh... Ah yes, Itachi. I'm going to drop him off in Otogakure and hope he kills them all. I'll go along to bring him back once he calms down. Orochimaru wouldn't be stupid enough to permanently incapacitate an Uchiha. That would be completely out of character. He's too obsessed!"
Pein began to sneak away. "It sounds like I'm not needed, sooo... I'll just be going..."
Madara tripped him. It was beginning to be a hobby. Remember children, tripping people is fun! "No, you're going to catch Itachi without knocking him out or killing him" Understanding his crazy boss' idea, Pein did that weird attracting thing with his Deva Path. Itachi came flying through the wall, along with several hundred pieces of wall and a red and white snake. Itachi, and everything else, smashed into Pein, the aftermath of his attracting jutsu.
Itachi started chewing on Pein. "... And that doesn't hurt?" Madara inquired.
"No. I can't feel a thing. It'll just be bad for his stomach." Pein reassured.
Madara swirled Pein and Itachi into another dimension. As an afterthought, he also swirled in a ham, peanut butter, and Fruit Loops sandwich with a garnish of chocolate shavings and grand marnier whipped cream that he had made beforehand. With a rehearsed evil cackle, Madara teleported to Otogakure. Specifically, Orochimaru's room.
Madara's eyes immediately began to hurt from the black and red.
Obsessive dedication is a scary thing when you're a ninja. There were hundreds of photos of him asleep, being blown up, even styling his hair and scaring Itachi. Hey, that reminded him...
Madara looked out the spyhole in the door. There was no-one around. How-dare he say it-troublesome. He exited the creepy obsessively decorated room and walked aimlessly through the pink halls. Spotting a door labelled 'Laboratories', he entered. "Hello-o! Anyone here..." his voice died off as his S-Ranked Pedo-Perv Senses tingled melodramatically.
He decided to follow the time-honoured tradition of walking with no destination in mind until he walked into something. He walked into something. It was kind of sharp. Probably because it was a neon pink snake-decorated, sky blue safety-scalpel. Moving on...
He walked into a sterile-smelling room where Orochimaru was playing Truth or Dare with Kabuto and Sasuke and began to chat. "Ah! How's everyone doing? Fine? How's my second favourite great great great nephew? Vengeance working well for you? I just felt like dropping off some things you guys left at the Lair when you mini-invaded." Madara shrugged nonchalantly, pulling the red and white snake from his pocket. "This is the snake you left. I named him..." he paused for effect. "...Billy."
Sasuke facevaulted. "You're part of the Akatsuki, a group of evil s- ranked villains, and you have a coral snake named Billy? How disappointing."
"Ah, but you forgot that he is an EVIL snake" Madara stated smugly.
Suddenly, he stuck a finger in the air, signalling that he'd just remembered something. "Oh, and there's one OTHER thing you left." He let loose Itachi, who was still trying to eat Pein. The mad weasel perked at the sight of the snakey edibilities. Kabuto paled, and Madara jumped on that.
"You! Four-eyed freak! How do I fix him?" he asked, flicking his finger at the medic.
Kabuto looked at Orochimaru for confirmation that he could answer. The snakey stalker nodded. "Well, it'll wear off eventually. There's nothing you can do until then"
"Perfect!" Madara grinned evilly under his mask. He nodded to Pein, who repelled Itachi by a few meters toward Orochimaru. Madara swirled the fake Akatsuki leader into his mask and teleported outside the room. He could hear snarling. "Zetsu-saaan" he called out. The cannibal popped out of the ground, a party hat on his head.
"Aww, Tobi-kun, I was at a party! You wouldn't BELIEVE the babes you're making me miss out on" White Zetsu whined.
Black Zetsu eyed his counterpart suspiciously. "YOU WERE? WHY WASN'T I INVITED?"
White Zetsu stuck out his tongue. "'Cuz I'm cooler" he stated smugly.
"How does that even work out?" Madara asked.
"...We can't expect you to understand, Tobi-kun" White Zetsu sniffed.
"HEY, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT TO LEADER" Black Zetsu objected. The sounds of carnage in the background paused momentarily. Some loud crashes sounded.
The sound of "Sharingan!" punctured the foreboding silence, and someone started banging on the door. "Let me out! HE'S TRYING TO EAT ME! LET ME OUT!"
"Well, if you're alive enough to complain, then do something about it!
Don't come complaining to ME!" Madara shouted back. The voice had no response to this.
"So, Zetsu-San, can you keep an eye on Itachi-San? I want to know when he regains his sanity."
Zetsu nodded. "SURE THING, TOBI-KUN. AFTER ALL, I HAVE NO PARTIES OR BABES TO GO TO" Black Zetsu sighed.
"Good. Remember to come and tell me immediately if he regains sanity. Bye!" Madara teleported back to the lair.
Deidara rounded the corner with Kisame. For those of you who forgot, Pein reasonlessly told Deidara to find Kisame wayyy back when the world was young. So, about twenty minutes before. "Tobi, have you seen Leader- San? I need to tell him something"
"Sempaiii, can you tell me? I'll tell Leader-sama for you later!
Pleeeease?" Tobi begged.
Deidara rolled his eyes. "Sure, whatever. Kisame-San was attacked by Itachi about an hour ago, and then ran off to hide, un-"
"I wasn't hiding!" Kisame protested. "I was retreating temporarily to plan out a tactical comeback!"
"How many tactical comebacks are planned under the sink, un?" Deidara shot back. With his opposition down for the count, Deidara carried on.
"So, Konan-chan found him hiding under the sink after I recruited her to help me find him. He's been bitten by Itachi, and has some long gashes, either from kunai or fingernails. Kisame-San says fingernails, un. The cuts look infected."
"What, already, sempai?" Tobi asked incredulously.
"Yeah. I think it must be some ingredient in his nail polish. He buys a different brand from us. I saw the bottle once, I think it has a snake ingredient" Deidara commented.
"Well, sayonara sempai! I'm just going to go do something innocent and legal!" Tobi said cheerfully.
Deidara and Kisame watched him leave. "Innocent and legal? That's never good. We're S-ranked criminals." Deidara said, shaking his head. Kisame agreed.
Walking into his room, Madara swirled Pein out of his mask. The 'elite' fake head of the Akatsuki was in a ball. Madara prodded him with his foot warily before kicking him in the stomach. "Leader- chaaan, it's time to face your subordinates! ~" he sang.
"Go away. I'm gonna be sick." Pein groaned.
"Motion sickness?" Madara guessed.
"NO, you idiot-erm, I mean sir! It was that sandwich!"
Madara (presumably) stared at him. "What's wrong with it? Do you have a problem with my sandwich-making skills, Leader-San?"
Despite the impossibility of it, Pein paled considerably. "Ehh... N-no sir! Not at all sir! I, umm, just have a...delicate stomach, sir!"
Pein fabricated, pulling a crisp salute. He didn't dare bow; there was a chance Madara would try to behead him. He might try to anyways for the sheer novelty.
Madara eyed him suspiciously. In reality, he was quite amused by Pein's antics, but he'd never say so. "...Well, anyway, Zetsu-San is watching Itachi's every move. Like a stalker, but it benefits the organization."
Pein nodded understandingly. "You know, one of the reasons I hired Zetsu was that I caught him stalking me. It turned out he'd been stalking me for ten months without me noticing."
Madara sighed. "Yes, Leader-San, you've told me many times. By the way, I'm the one who told you to hire him."
Pein looked faintly proud. "Ah, but it was that that kept me from killing him for stalking me. You know, stalkers are kinda annoying"
"No, really?" Madara asked sarcastically, momentarily thinking back on his short experience with them. Pein nodded. "Anyway, go out and reassure YOUR organisation. I'll just go laugh maniacally now."
Pein gave him a weirded-out look, and obligingly left the room. The second the door clicked shut; he heard impressive maniacal laughter which ended in a not-so-impressive cough attack.
Zetsu popped up in Madara's room. "Ehh, Tobi, we have a problem" White Zetsu said nervously, scratching the back of his neck and averting his eyes.
Izuna: MWAHAHA! CLIFFIE!
Dragoness: I like this plot. Can we continue it?
Madara: No
Izuna: YES!
Madara: No
Izuna: YESYESYES!
...
Dragoness: ... I think Itachi's nail polish is from the book/movie Holes. Snake venom nail polish!