Diary of a Cerberus Agent

Recording Session Two

Massages and Trout Slapping

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Lieutenant Edward Shankman, the grunt agent of Cerberus, he travelled to Elysium where he meets up with one of the ringleaders of the 'minor' project.

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5th March 2183
After incident back in the Marron Sea cluster, I was summoned back to the frontman of the project, to 'discuss' in greater detail about my report about the disaster...

You know, there's a sad irony when I've lump the word 'disaster' into the same sentence about my report. It's a disaster alright. A bunch of idiotic, bratty thugs; who had nothing better to do then letting out those cockroaches out of the cage, chewing their brains instantly as soon they got the chance. I supposed, now I know that they all fail biology back in high school from their lack of knowledge about HOW dangerous it is to let these bugs out. No wait, scratched that. They FAIL at everything!

If they have watched any of the old, B Grade Sci-fi movies that they made back in the 20th century, I think they will learn one simple thing from them. One simple philosophy that even a three year old human would quickly: BUGS ARE BAD!

Well the bed was made, there's no point in me dwelling on such pointless things. At least the incident did manage to wipe out most of the idiots, that's a plus for me.

So we're meeting up in Elysium, a human colony. I'm kind surprised that they want to setup a meeting in a bumpkin colony instead going back to the HQ. Then again, that's understandable due to the fear of having some bloody perverted thug exposing us to the Citadel authorities due to... well subscribing "Penthouse" magazine straight from the turian mailing services.

Well it's five clicks away to the Elysian landing dock. I don't like human colonies due to the fear of being run over by those psychotic batarians who probably played "Manhunt: The human edition" too much but they reassure us it's safe due to their fear of being chased around by a girl with a big gun. Yes, you heard me correct. Those raiders failed to wipe out this colony because of 'this' girl... what a bunch of sissies.

Food calls. Time for a snack.

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6th March 2183
Well it could be worse. At least Elysium is does look like the pictures on those holiday brochures.

What perplexed me the most, is that there a lot of aliens wandering around here despite the fact it's a human colony. Turians, elcors, salarians and... asari.

Well it's my day off. I think I should go to some asari massage pallor. I could do some nice, relaxing massage after that assignment in the Maroon Sea Cluster.

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7th March 2183
Think I felt something more than just a gentle massage around the scalp...

10:00am Elysian EST
Oh dear lord! I think I've contacted mind herpes from that asari bitch. Damn it! I've been violated by the brain and now I've got herpes in my brain cells! FU-

*(Apologies once again, for cutting out this snippet but I'm pretty sure that the Admiral would prefer NOT listening these explicit details about the asari bodily functions. A tad too tasteless for his liking – Alliance Intelligence Agent no. 225)

3:00 pm
Sigh, turns out that it's just another headache not brain herpes. The good local doctor pointed me out that there's no such thing as 'mind herpes', much to my embarrassment. At least the doctor is considerate enough not to laugh at my face. Still there's the matter about being violated in the brain...

4:00pm
Curses! I've should have read the fine print about their services! I should have known in the first place about their package offering, "Embracing Relaxation".

F(bleep)*! What I have done?

*(Censored – Alliance Intelligence Agent no. 225)

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8th March 2183
The frontman has arrived. We're going to the Adonis Apartment to 'discuss' about my report.

Well here goes nothing.

3:00pm
Well, things turn out to be quite bad as a varren turd.

The frontman was pissed off about it. Sadly they all pin the blame on me especially the fact that I've let my Commanding Officer die during that disaster. Yes, that's right. The same MAN who suggested start up a Rachni Fight, is in fact my CO.

After a million lights year where humanity began and despite we're living in a highly advance technological age, especially where humanity has reach to its glorious heights of intellectual achievement; I'm serving under a Commanding Officer who has an IQ of a Thresher Maw.

I can't decide if that's funny or sad.

8:00pm
Well, looks like I'm being demoted by sending me off to a more... quieter post. They haven't specified the details to me until I've have boarded to the designated ship tomorrow morning.

Well here's the recording snippet of the meeting:

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Frontman – So, we meet again Lt. Shankman.

Me – Yes sir! I've heard you've read my report about the disaster in the Maroon Sea Cluster.

Frontman – Yes indeed. I was unimpressed. Do you know how hard it is to acquire these specimens? You can't just waltz around, eliminating these samples!

Me- Well... uh, I've understand how hard it is to acquire rachni. I'm sorry, sir.

Frontman- Sorry? I'm going to abuse you until your brain bleeds, you dim witted, turian lover!

Me- Sir, I've already been violated in the brain by an asari.

Frontman- Good God! Well I'm going to assault your brains again, pansy boy! What do you think this is? Chora's Den? Right, I have enough of you!

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Then I got biotically trout slapped in the face by him. (Literally, I'm dead serious.) Afterwards he ordered me to be posted in some nowhere uncharted world.

God, no wonder the Alliance wants nothing to do with Cerberus.