Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
Talk of the Town
As Shego neared New York Drakken grumbled, "I still don't see why I'm chained to Rod–"
"Ron," Ron reminded him. He turned back to Shego. "I don't believe this was Kim's idea."
The green woman shrugged, "Well, not the chain exactly. But she's worried that Drakken is up to some hideously evil plan and–"
"Really?" the blue man asked, he seemed to cheer up at the words.
"Absolutely," Shego assured him. "Thought this whole thing was one of your plans to distract her so–"
"That might work," Drakken mused.
"Not when you say it in front of Doofus here," Shego reminded him. "He'll tell her now."
"You should have told me later," the blue man complained. "What am I supposed to do with Roy and Rufus in–"
"How come you remember his name and not mine?" Ron yelled.
"Kim's insignificant other is working on a paper or something about New York. That's why the two of you are here. See Ellis Island. Ride the Staten Island Ferry. Visit the Statue of Liberty. Get cheap theater tickets at the TKTS booth at Times Square and take in something on Broadway or off Broadway." She dropped them off at in front of a hotel where she had found the cheapest rates on-line.
The two took their bags to their room prior to going out, and discovered two immediate problems.
"Why didn't Shego think of this?" Ron shouted through the closed bathroom door as Drakken used the facilities.
"Are you sure she didn't?" Drakken called back as he finished washing his hands.
"Good point," Ron admitted as Drakken came out and they switched sides of the door. "She'd do anything to humiliate me."
"Humiliate you?" Drakken called through the closed door. "You have a high opinion of yourself. She's doing this to humiliate me."
"But you pay her! She wouldn't… She would, wouldn't she?"
"Often," Drakken assured him.
The other problem concerned wardrobe. "The cuff around the ankle is loose enough we can slide underwear through it and put on socks. But what are we going to do about pants?"
"We need to ask the concierge," Drakken suggested.
"The what?"
"Concierge… They're sort of like reference librarians for people staying at a hotel. Tell you how to find a restaurant or where the nearest subway stop is."
"I don't think your conman is going to be able to help us with this problem."
"Fetishes-R-Us," the concierge told them cheerfully. "In the Village. Let me give you their address and phone number."
"And the nearest subway station?" Ron asked.
"Um… not sure."
"You aren't sure where the nearest subway station is?"
"Depends on where you're going. Two stops are fairly close. You going to start with the Village or going somewhere else?"
"Let's get the clothing first," Drakken suggested.
As they left the hotel lobby Ron asked, "Doc, do you find it at all scary that he referred us to a place called Fetishes-R-Us? And that he knew the address and phone number off the top of his head?"
They were outside the hotel and Drakken ignored the question as he breathed deeply and smiled, "New York, New York is a wonderful town, the Bronx is up and the Battery's down, you ride on trains in a hole in the ground."
"I didn't know you wrote poetry."
"I don't, it's an old song."
"What's the Battery?"
"Well, a battery is something to store electricity… Maybe the subway runs on batteries?"
"Awfully big batteries."
"Amazingly big," Drakken mused. "I bet I could power a giant killer robot with a battery big enough to run a subway train–"
"No talking shop," Ron reminded him. "We're here for peace and relaxing. Maybe the battery is some cave where bats live. That could be why the battery's down in that song, it's underground."
Drakken shrugged, "Or maybe it's some kind of baseball museum where they've got the bats of famous Yankees and Dodgers."
"Uh, Doc? The Dodgers are a team in California. Why would their bats be in a New York baseball museum?"
"Ha! Kids today know nothing of history. They were a team in New York before they moved to LA… The Bronx Dodgers? Queens Dodgers… No, they were the Brown Dodgers… Wait, I'm thinking of the Brown Bomber; that was some guy named Joe Louis. Anyway, the Dodgers were somewhere in New York before the Mets."
"Maybe the bats of famous Mets are in the battery too."
"I don't think there've been any famous Mets."
The subway turnstiles proved a little complicated with their legs chained together, but eventually them made it through.
As they waited on the platform Ron asked, "Do you find weird that two men chained together just went through the subway gate thing and are waiting on the platform and no one is looking at them or said a thing to them?"
"Really? Where are they?" Drakken asked looking around at the other people on the platform.
"Us, I mean us! No one said a thing."
Drakken chuckled, "Roy, Roy… You kids from small towns just don't understand New York. They've seen everything here, and no one makes a comment about it. It is not the way New York works. If you were standing here chained to a giraffe I don't think anyone would say a thing."
"It would have to be a short giraffe."
"Pardon?"
"I mean, I don't think there'd be headroom on the subway for an adult giraffe."
"Hmm… Good point. If you were chained to a miniature giraffe I don't think anyone would say anything."
"And he has four legs."
"I believe that is the customary number of legs for giraffes. If it had six legs it would be an insect of some sort."
"I'm just wondering about paying the fare for it to get on the subway. It would only be one giraffe, but it has two sets of legs to get through the turn-thing. So, would you pay one fare or two?"
"That's an interesting question… We should ask at the information kiosk on our way out. I think this is our train arriving now."
They managed to accidentally trip a swarthy man with their chain as they got on the car. He swore loudly at them in a language neither recognized.
Ron glanced around at the other people on their subway car more than New York etiquette suggested was appropriate. "Doc?" he whispered.
"Yes?"
"Someone is staring at us."
"Are you staring at her?"
"It's a him… Yes, I am."
"Well stop it. He'll think you're strange."
"I'm chained to a blue man. Why would he think I'm strange? You said they've seen it all in New York."
"Exactly, so staring is strange behavior. It marks you as a tourist."
"I am a tourist."
"You know that. And I know that. But why do you see a need to tell everyone else on the car?"
As they got off at the Christopher Street-Sheridan Square Station Ron noticed, "The guy who was staring at us got off here too."
"So did a hundred other people."
"He's using his cell phone."
"That only describes fifty of the people who got off. You worry too much, Rob.
The streets were crowded enough with NYU students, many dressed in black, that Ron lost track of the young man he had noticed. Rufus sat on Ron's shoulder and helped direct the two men.
When they emerged from the clothing store with their side-zip pants Ron thought he recognized the young man from the subway in a small group across the street, but wasn't certain.
"Double-shot espresso," Drakken told him. "Then we talk about what I want to see in New York."
"What I need to see," Ron corrected him. "I have to write a paper about this."
"I can be your guide," the blue man offered. "I've been in New York twice – once for three days. I know everything about the city."
"That'd be great," Ron mumbled. As they had started in one direction looking for a coffee shop the small group across the street had started moving in the same direction – paralleling them on the other side of the street. "Watch 'em, buddy," he whispered to Rufus, who scrambled to Ron's shoulder.
"Uh-uh," the mole rat exclaimed as three more young people, largely in black scurried to catch up with the others.
"We're being followed," the young man whispered to Drakken.
"And Shego says I'm paranoid. Don't worry. There're hundreds of people on the streets."
Drakken ordered his coffee, Ron a pomegranate-mango juice, and Rufus a small carrot cake. (Well, Rufus didn't actually order the carrot cake since he didn't have pockets to pay for anything. He pointed to what he wanted.) They found a table to sit, and their shadows entered the coffee shop.
"They're still following us," Ron warned.
"They probably just like the coffee," Drakken suggested. "It's very good." He turned to the naked mole rat, "How's the carrot cake?"
Rufus did his best to give it two thumbs up, a difficult feat when you do not possess opposable thumbs.
Ron tensed, "That guy, the one from the subway car, is coming over."
"He probably wants the half-and-half," Drakken said, reaching for the creamer.
The young man in black reached into his pocket just before reaching their table and Ron started to panic.
"Excuse me," the student asked, producing a small pad of paper and a pen. "Could I have your autographs? I think you two are geniuses!"