A/N: Don't bother taking this once seriously. I just couldn't resist doing it.
Genre:Fantasy/Humor/Romance/Parody
Pairings: Tucker/Donut with a pinch of Church/Tex
Rating: PG-13 (T)
Summary: Tucker goes to save a princess from her/himself.
Warnings: Magic, cursing, slash, some het, things that make no sense, gender bending, guys in dresses, innuendo, dragons, threats, castles, overuse of the word 'kingdom', and general insanity.

Saving a Princess from Her/Himself

Once upon a time, in a canyon far away, there were two kingdoms: the Red kingdom and the Blue kingdom. They were at war over where each kingdom's territory began and ended.

In the Blue kingdom, after king Flowers mysteriously died of a heart attack, Prince Church took the throne. He would have taken a bride, but the black night Tex always refused. Usually with bodily harm done to the man.

Prince Church couldn't stand his squabbling brothers, Tucker and Caboose. Caboose, the youngest of the three, was stronger than an ox, though dumber than a mule. Tucker, the middle child, was a womanizing prince; however, few fell under what charm he had.

The ruler of the Red kingdom, a stately (psychotic) king, was simply called Sarge. He was always ready to charge head first into any battle. His eldest-and favorite-son was known as Lopez the Heavy. He was a great weapon smith and had given up his right to the throne to his first brother, Simmons.

Simmons was an intelligent man, but also a master at flattery, when it concerned superiors. The next brother went by Grif. Grif was lazy, hated authority-when he could be bothered to care-drunk, smoked, and was the king's least favorite son. And knew it.

King Sarge's youngest child, though born male, was Princess Donut. He was a very feminine boy and always had been since birth. He preferred cross-stitching to swordplay, flower arranging to conquering, and he even fancied men rather than women.

One day, Prince Church-for he would not be known as king until he took a bride-thought of the perfect plan to get his brothers out of his hair for at least a little while, because he wasn't lucky enough for them to be in a serious "accident".

He summoned his younger siblings to the throne room. They came in, the younger bothering the older and in turn the elder yelling and threatening the other.

"Church," Tucker whined. "Make Caboose leave my things alone."

"You threw it at my head. It hurt," Caboose defended. "Church, Tucker was being mean to me again!"

"Shut up already! Do you two know how annoying you are? How many times do I have to tell you guys to SHUT UP?" he shouted.

There was silence until, "About twenty times a day."

"…What?"

"You tell us to shut up around twenty times every day. You're gonna have an aneurism soon if you keep it up."

"Son. Of. A. Bitch. Tucker," Church said through gritted teeth. "Caboose. I have a very important mission for you both."

"Yay! An adventure," Caboose cheered.

"Wait, together?" Tucker asked. Church nodded.

"Obviously. You both need to take care of the other. Or kill each other; I don't really care which."

"Gee, thanks," Tucker said dryly.

"Ooh, what are we gonna do?" Caboose asked eagerly, eyes sparkling with the possibilities. "Slay a dragon? Find a magical orb? Stop an ul-itament evil?"

"The last dragon, you tired keeping as a pet and it nearly killed me. We already have a magical talking orb; and Andy's annoying as hell. And ultimate evil? The only real villain around here's fuckin' stupid as, well, you.

No. You two," he pointed at them, "are going to rescue a fair maiden. From herself."

"Wait, what?"

"You heard me."

"Church how can you save someone from themselves?"

"It's pretty damn difficult, I know. If you don't think you can handle it…"

"No! I can! I can!" Caboose protested. He tugged on his brother's arm. "Come on, Tucker. I wanna go on the adventure."

"Alright, just stop that," Tucker gave in.

"Yes!"

"The princess is named Donut-"

"Donut?" Tucker asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah, Donut."

"Sounds like Muffins," Caboose commented.

"…Okay. Anyways, Princess Donut is the Red King's youngest son-"

"Son? A princess is a son now? What does that make you, a queen?"

"Tucker! You sunuvabitch, shut up and let me finish."

"Fine." Church took a deep breath, and then released it, slowly and heavily.

"Okay, Princess Donut looks like a girl, acts like a girl, has the preferences of a girl, so therefore, he's a girl," was the explanation.

"But, he's still a guy…" Tucker mumbled.

"Goddamn I hate you. Look, you just have to sneak into his room and rescue him."

"From himself?"

"Yes. Now you're getting it. Listen, once you get there, into the princess' room, you'll know what to do," Church told him.

"Yeah, right. I'm just lookin' for a little reward, if you know what I mean. Bow-chicka-bow-wow."

"You can negotiate that with him. Well, see you." Under his breath he mumbled, "In hell."

"Dude, wait. Is it just gonna be me an' Caboose?"

"No, of course not. What kind of brother would that make me? You can take Andy."

"Oh, hell no! What the fuck's an annoying talking ball going to do? Why don't you come, even though you're a worse fighter than me?"

"Yeah, no. I'm not stupid."

"Wow, that's reassuring."

"Oh, and before you guys go, little thing I should tell you: until you save Princess Donut, you are proscribed from my kingdom," Church announced with a monstrous, guiltless grin.

"Huh? What the fuck does 'proscribed' mean?"

"Banished, outlawed, exiled, forbidden, prohibited, ostracized, shunned, restricted, execrated, rejected, whatever you want to call it."

"Huh?" Caboose asked, still not getting it.

"Not allowed back! Just go. Both of you go, now!" Church yelled.

Tucker and Caboose rushed out of there; closing the giant wooden doors behind them. Tucker then leaned against them.

"He's scarier than a woman," Tucker panted. Caboose nodded in agreement.

After a minute the boys used to catch their breaths, they went to gather Andy and the essentials (which included Caboose's favorite stuffed rabbit).

:Star::Star::Star:

After many grueling and unbelievable detours that to miss out on would be a crime; Tucker, Caboose, and Andy the magical talking orb reached the Red Kingdom Castle. The sun was just setting, giving them the perfect cover.

"Well, here goes nothing," Tucker mumbled as the group stood at the unguarded side which just happened to hold the window leading into the princess' bed chamber. He looked up, gulping.

"So, uh, how the hell am I supposed to get up there?"

"Obviously you climb. Now get going, ya baby," Andy told him.

"Yeah, that seems…stupid."

"Perfect for you two lugs."

"Fuck you. Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to get up there?"

"Ooh! You should ride up on a magical dragon!" Caboose urged.

"Dude, shut the hell up," Tucker snapped at his younger brother; he pouted, glaring at Tucker's back.

Tucker grabbed hold of a stone with one hand, then with his foot. He repeated these actions until he was about two feet off the ground. His foot slipped, and he came fumbling down, landing hard on his back.

"…Fuck…berries…"

"You dumbass," Andy laughed.

"Tucker, are you still alive?" Caboose asked in concern.

"No…I think I'm dead…" the other man replied, eyes clenched shut.

"Ah, come on, ya big baby. You didn't fall that far."

"Fuck…you…Andy…I think I can feel my spine. In the bad way," he complained.

"Maybe, you should have taken that entrance, over there," Caboose suggested innocently.

"What!" Tucker exclaimed, suddenly sitting up, all pain apparently gone.

"Over there. The dark entranceway," Caboose told him, pointing to the side of the castle where indeed there was a dark entranceway. The orb burst into hysterical laughter.

"Caboose, if you saw this earlier, why didn't you say anything?" Tucker asked, standing up.

"You didn't-" he started to answer.

"I swear to god I'll kill you if the next word out of your mouth is-"

"-ask."

"When we get home, you had better hope that my mind's too preoccupied with whatever me and the princess are gonna do to fuckin' kill you."

"I'm telling Church you're bein' mean again."

"Oh, shut the fuck up."

Tucker went towards the entrance warily, every so often throwing a glance over his shoulders at his companions. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the dark room. As his eyes adjusted to the sever darkness, he noticed with the little illumination from the outside that the room was empty save for a stone staircase. Seeing as it was all he could do, Tucker started up them.

About ten minutes later and half-way up (which was good timing considering he was stumbling blind in the dark), Tucker came upon a small room lit by a single glowing torch. Underneath said torch was a podium with a rope resting on it. As he went to take the rope, he saw an inscription on the stone.

"'Spiral up to get down, fall to the top,'" he read. "Huh. That makes no sense."

He picked up the rope with a shrug. Looking around he saw a shadowed hole and more stairs leading the rest of the way up. He chose to follow the latter.

About tem minutes later he found himself back outside, exiting from the same entrance he had gone in at.

Tucker took a double take, then blinked rapidly; the scenery didn't change. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but he could only close it again, speechless. Finally, he went over to Caboose and Andy.

"Why am I back out here?" Caboose shrugged unhelpfully.

"You musta taken a wrong turn," Andy told him.

"How the hell is that possible? I only went-oh…" Tucker remembered the rope he was still carrying, and the words on the stone. "Son of a bitch."

Groaning, Tucker turned and went back in. this time when he reached the small room, he went over to the hole. He tried looking down, but there wasn't enough light to see by. He walked over and took the torch. Returning to the hole's side, he held it out.

He saw that there was a ladder built into the side. Looking around, He found a rock and tossed it in; it hit the bottom not too much longer.

Bracing himself, Tucker laid the torch down and set one foot on the ladder. He took a step down, then another and another. Soon, his feet touched solid ground.

Unable to see much but the glow above him, Tucker carefully felt around the wall. Eventually, he grasped what felt like a doorknob. Slowly, he turned it and pushed.

His dark eyes were instantly assaulted by the day's dying light. Squinting, he brought a hand up to shield him from the worst. When his eyes adjusted to the sudden change, Tucker examined his surroundings.

He found himself on top of the castle.

"So, how the hell is this possible?" he asked aloud. As expected, nothing answered him.

Shrugging it off, Tucker went to the side and looked down. Spotting Caboose and Andy almost instantaneously, he then made out where the window was that led to Donut's bed chamber.

Tucker took off the rope and tied one end around an open-gorge stone. After tugging on it to ensure its tightness, he tossed the other end down the side of the castle. Making sure it reached the window, he started to climb down.

When he was done with this whole quest thing, he was going to need a lot of "good tidings" from this princess. Bow-chicka-bow-

"Wow," that was easier than I though," Tucker mumbled as his foot touched the windowsill without incident.

He made his way in through the, thankfully, open window, and landed gracelessly on the floor. When he got up form the tangled mess he had fallen into, he noted that the room was empty sans him.

Now what?

Tucker didn't have time to ponder the question as the door on the other side of the room opened. Walking in was who Tucker assumed was Princess Donut.

Long blonde hair wore loose, sky blue eyes, and a fair complexion. The princess wore a pink gown with several folds that fell to the floor. He looked over at Tucker with a warm curiosity.

"Hi, I'm Donut. And you're a strange man in my room."

"Uh, yeah. Guess I am. Er, call me Tucker," he told the princess.

"Okay. Nice to meet you, Tucker," the blonde said, closing the door behind him. "So, any particular reason why you're in my room?"

"I think I'm on a quest or something to save you," he explained.

"From what?"

"Yourself." A beat of silence passed.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, that was basically my reaction, too."

They stood across from each other awkwardly. After a while, Donut looked Tucker up and down admiringly. Going over to the older man he mused, "Not bad. I think I could like this quest."

Before Tucker could say anything, Donut pulled him onto the bed. As he began to run a hand up his shirt, Tucker decided he liked the quest, too.