*Thanks to all of you who have alerted, favorited, and reviewed. I have truly been blown away by the sheer number. It truly made my day. Thank you all, so much. Now, on with chapter 2!

Eight Count – Chapter 2

Walking out into the cool night air, Beckett closed her eyes and stepped into the wind, which, quite literally, gathered up her hair. Under different circumstances she might have laughed, but right now all she could manage was a soft sad smile as she thought, Good. No one will see my tears. She had made fun of him then, but she had actually found it very moving. Derrick Storm had been a big part of her life and it had been sad to see those stories come to an end. Reading those books had helped her through difficult times. It had been his first book, In a Hail of Bullets, which had given her an escape from the trauma of her mother's death. And now, she felt she had to return the favor, by helping his daughter through this.

Blinking away the tears that had gathered around the corners of her eyes seeking release, Beckett looked over at Alexis. The teen—well, to be honest, Alexis was really a young woman now—had her own hair tied into a loose ponytail. Her expression was forlorn and distant. The sparkle Beckett had always seen in those blue eyes was gone. She looked sad and isolated, alone. As they stepped out further onto the terrace, Alexis detached herself from Beckett and wandered over to the railing, lowering her head and hugging herself. The open aired terrace was empty saved them.

Inhaling slowly through her nose, Beckett took a hesitant step towards the Alexis, watching as the teen succumbed to her emotions and started sobbing, her small frame rocking with all her fears and anxiety. Immediately, forgetting her own worries, she rushed forward and pulled the trembling girl into her arms. Beckett did her best to comfort and soothe the distraught girl, but in all honesty, it was hard. Beckett knew what it felt like to have a parent snatched away. But Beckett had been older than Alexis when it had happened to her. Still, no one could ever be prepared for having a loved one stolen from them.

Hugging Alexis tight, allowing the girl to cry on her shoulder, Beckett bit down on her lower lip and looked out at the life beyond the terrace. The city streets were all aglow in the early evening sky, cars bustled back and forth, and people went on with their own little worlds as if nothing had happened. Lights beamed out from office buildings; business didn't slow to a crawl or stop because someone you cared about had been hurt. The world went on. Life went on. She had repeated the very same words to herself the day her mother had died. They had brought her little comfort then, they brought even less now.

For Beckett it had been the escape into Richard Castle's books that had helped her. His world was easier to understand. The bad guys always got caught, and the good guys always won. If only the real world could be like that, Beckett sighed. Talking with Lanie about what Castle had said before he blacked out, and about what had almost happened in L.A., had helped her. Speaking a loud the thoughts and truths of what Castle really meant to her had temporarily distracted her. However, the reality of what had happened was hitting her again, and she, herself, was having trouble keeping it all bottled up.

So, Beckett did the only thing she could, she surrendered to those feelings, and cried along with Castle's daughter. It was a powerful thing, sharing grief with someone else. Beckett had never really had that before. When her mother had died, Jim Beckett had used alcohol to dull the pain, so her father had never really been around to help her grieve. She had to help save him instead. It took her a long time, but eventually she had. Now, with Alexis, Beckett was feeling, for the first time, what it felt like to have someone to share the pain and grief with.

They stayed like that, hugging one another and crying for God knows how long. When they had finally cried themselves dry, Alexis backed up, and sighed deeply, looking up at her. "Thank you, Detective," she murmured softly.

"Kate," Beckett replied in a quiet voice. "You can call be Kate, Alexis."

Alexis nodded. "Okay… Kate," the teen tried it out and smiled sadly. "But really, thank you. I… I really needed that. I needed to get out of there and simply cry with someone. Gram's trying to be strong for me, but I know she's hurting inside, that she's going through the same thing… probably even worse… Dad's always joking… but… well, she… but she's trying…"

"I know," Beckett caressed the girl's face, and pulled her back into another hug. "I know."

Having been somewhat in her place, Beckett knew that what Alexis needed right now was someone to simply hold her. So Beckett did for Alexis, what her father had been unable to do for her when her mother had been murdered.

XXX

After twenty more minutes of simply holding one another, they went back into the waiting room. The first thing Beckett noticed was that her father had returned. He was seated next to Martha, one arm over her shoulder as he comforted her. He locked eyes with Beckett and they shared a brief communication. He was telling her that Martha needed some time before she could grieve with her granddaughter, so Beckett deposited an exhausted Alexis on one of the couches. She rummaged through one of the overnight bags they had brought and found a blanket. She placed it over the younger Castle, running her hand down her arm, telling her to try and get some sleep.

Closing her eyes before she stood, Beckett was surprised when Alexis grabbed her hand. "You try and get some sleep, too, Kate," she said. "You… you need it, probably more than I do. And… and my dad's going to need you if…," she swallowed and closed her eyes and corrected herself, "when he recovers."

Beckett gave a soft smile and assured Alexis that she would try. Nodding, Alexis let go of her hand and turned back into the couch, trying to get some sleep. Standing, Beckett glanced around and spotted Ryan and Esposito The pair were speaking in hushed voices in the corner with Lanie. Jenny was seated not far away from them. Everyone looked exhausted. Beckett didn't even want to think about what she herself might look like. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the two detectives.

"Any leads?" she asked, letting out a frustrated breath as she pushed her hair back from her face.

Esposito looked up and shook his head. "Negative."

"The guy was a pro," added Ryan. "He policed his brass."

Beckett nodded, knitting her eyebrows together, going into thinking mode. It helped to concentrate on the case rather than what was happening in the operating room. "So we're looking for a professional," she repeated. "Who's smart enough to clean up after himself, yet panics when he misses his target."

"Huh?" Esposito raised his eyebrows, confused.

Beckett blinked and looked over at him. "Come on, guys, we all know I was the target instead of…" she said, letting her voice drop off. She couldn't bring herself to say his name, as if it would make everything just the more real.

"Right," Ryan said with a nod, covering for her. "So?"

"If I was the target, then why aren't I dead?" Beckett questioned, looking at them, hoping they understood what she was getting at.

"Um…," Ryan's eyes darted around as he searched for an answer.

"The guy panicked," Esposito nodded, the light of understanding coming to his eyes.

"Huh? I still don't get it?" Ryan questioned.

"Dude! The guy's pro enough to police his brass, but not enough to stay and complete the job," Esposito clarified for his partner.

"Oh, I see," Ryan nodded. He narrowed his eyes, glancing over at the other people sharing the waiting room with them, the people whose loved ones had been in the car wreck a couple of blocks from the cemetery. Blinking, he looked back to Beckett and Esposito. "Then maybe I do have a lead after all." He paused and licked his lips as he brought out his notepad. "I don't think that that accident was a coincidence like we originally thought."

"Talk to me," Beckett said, much as she would if they were back in the precinct.

Ryan bobbed his head, looking relieved to have something that was normal and familiar. "From the traffic cam, we've got a shot of a SUV running the light," he informed her.

"SUV? What kind?" Beckett fired off.

Ryan flipped through his notepad. "Black Escalade, pricey too."

"Did the traffic cam get a shot of the plates?" Beckett asked.

"You think he might be our guy?" Esposito questioned.

Beckett nodded. "My gut's telling me it's a likely possibility," she confirmed. She turned back to Ryan. "The plates?"

Ryan shook his head. "The photo's not all the great, a little blurry, the guy was going like seventy in a twenty-five zone," he informed her. "I've sent it to the computer techs, but I'm not expecting anything until the morning."

"What?" Beckett lowered her brow and shook her head. "No. Not good enough. You call them now! Wake them up if you have to, but get it done. NOW!"

"Whoa, Kate," Lanie stepped in. "Take it easy, girl. It's late, nothing more can be done tonight."

"But, Lanie… Castle…" she choked. She gritted her teeth and pointed a shaky finger towards the doors leading to the operating room. "Right now, he's in there, lying on some operating table fighting for his life! And I… I can't do anything to help him! I can't just stand here, Lanie, and do nothing!"

"Shh, hun," Lanie said, wrapping her up in her arms and pulling her aside. She looked over her shoulder and gave her boyfriend a look. Esposito took the hint and he turned to his partner. The two detectives moved away to give the two women some space. Lanie turned back to Beckett. "You are doing something. Staying here, thinking of him… you're giving him your strength…," she lowered her voice, "your love. And right now, more than anything else, that's what Castle needs."

Beckett clenched her jaw shut and closed her eyes, willing the tears away. She hated feeling like this. It was one of the reasons why she had been denying her feelings for Castle for so long. She hated feeling useless and vulnerable. She hated the pain and the hurt. But most of all, she hated the waiting. It seemed endless and it was insufferable. She felt like she was drowning in a sea of anguish and that there was no light above, no surface to break through to breathe. God, how she hated Castle right now! She hated him for getting shot, for telling her he loved her, and then leaving her. Letting out a soft cry, Beckett pushed away from Lanie and backed up into the wall, sliding down to the floor, hugging her legs to her chest.

Lanie knelt down beside her and wrapped her arms around her. Her friend placed her head close to hers and murmured out words of comfort and reassurance, but Beckett was deaf to them. Nothing could ease this pain, this hollow feeling in the center of her chest.

"Oh, darling, come here," came the voice of Castle's mother. Before she knew it, Lanie was gone and Martha had replaced her. The older woman placed her arms around Beckett's trembling frame. "Don't go beating yourself up over this, dear. Richard can be stubborn and stupid sometimes, but his heart is always in the right place. He'd do it again, if it meant saving you. And I'm sure if he was here now, he'd tell you the same thing."

God, Beckett thought, it's almost like she can read my mind.

"He loves you, you know," Martha said matter-of-factly. Beckett sniffled and looked up into the older woman's eyes. The diva gave her a sad smile and a knowing look. "But I think you already knew that."

Beckett gave a weak nod. "I love him, Martha," she squeaked out, hardly believing she was telling Castle's mother this. "I love him, and… and I never told him."

"You'll tell him," Martha asserted, hugging her closer, and then repeating herself. "You'll tell him."

XXX

It was past midnight before Beckett managed to get any sleep. As usual, after admitting more than she intended, Beckett shut down and withdrew into herself. She was exhausted, but that was not the reason for her withdrawal. It was the pain and misery of knowing Castle was fighting for his life and there was not a goddamn thing she could do, but wait.

Beckett stayed curled up by the wall for sometime, her father and Martha taking turns comforting her. She had to admire Martha's strength. The woman was no doubt torn up inside over what was happening to her son, yet she managed to remain calm and collected, setting aside her own grief to help the others, namely Alexis and Beckett. Beckett found it odd how emotional she was. It was almost like she actually was Castle's girlfriend or something. At least, that's how she suspected outsiders, with how she was reacting, probably saw her.

Eventually Beckett found herself sitting on the couch with Alexis, cradling the younger woman's head in her lap, much like her own mother had done for her when she was upset, sad, or just needed her mother's presence. It was there, with Castle's daughter's head in her lap, where Beckett managed to sleep.

As she slept, she dreamed of possible futures, of a life with Castle and the joys and sorrows that could bring, but mainly the joys. Life with Castle would be fun. Hell, it already was. Montgomery was right when he had said that before Castle she wasn't having any fun. Castle brought out so much in her that she thought had been lost. She was slowly starting to realize that he was something worth fighting for, something worth taking that jump, that leap of faith, as it were.

Waking with a start, Beckett spotted an unpleasant sight. Josh was here, standing in the waiting room in his green scrubs. His back was turned and he was talking with her dad. Her father's eyes caught sight of her and he raised his hand, excusing himself. Josh gave a nod and he turned his head to follow Jim Beckett as he walked over to his daughter.

Beckett blinked back the fog of sleep. Aware of the sleeping teen in her lap, she gingerly stretched her arms. She avoided Josh's eyes, feeling awkward having her ex-boyfriend be the one to have operated on the man she had most likely left him for, though had yet to admit it to herself at the time of the break up.

When her father was close enough, she reached up and grabbed his hand. "Castle?" she asked in a weak voice.

"According to Dr. Davidson, he's stabilized," her father said, squeezing her hand.

She knitted her eyebrows together, confused. She had never introduced Josh to her father, though she had told him she had been seeing someone, and that she had broken it off. Beckett couldn't remember if she had ever actually told her father Josh's name. Either she was still half asleep or she was in the middle of some sick joke that the universe was playing on her. Whatever it was, she was thoroughly perplexed over Josh's behavior. He wasn't spiteful or angry, and seemed to hold no malice towards her or Castle. This was not the kind of reaction she expected from a man who had been strung along with the promise of a relationship—of a commitment—that she could not give, and frankly would never really offer. Again, Beckett felt guilt for her actions. It had not been right to do that, for either of them, and she truly felt sorry for that.

Reluctantly, she looked over her father's shoulder and gave Josh a grateful nod. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and reciprocated, before taking a deep breath and then leaving. Of course, Lanie had been watching the whole exchange, and Beckett could feel her friend's gaze intently on her.

Ignoring it, she turned her attention back to her father. "Can… can we see him?" she questioned.

"He's stabilized, yes, but Katie… he's not completely out of the woods," her father replied gently. "Apparently he lost quite a lot of blood, and needed several transfusions during the operation."

Beckett swallowed past the terror in her throat. She suddenly became acutely aware of the teen resting in her lap. "Hold on," she muttered softly. With slow and gentle movements, Beckett lifted Alexis's head off her lap and slid out, replacing her lap with a pillow before pulling the blanket back up over the teen's shoulders. Placing a hand on her father's arm, she directed him away from the sleeping girl.

"All right," she nodded when they were far enough away that their voices wouldn't wake Alexis. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Look, Katie, I don't pretend to be a doctor or anything… honestly, I don't understand half the stuff mine says to me," he said. "But from what that young fellow told me, it sounds like Castle had to be resuscitated once or twice while on the operating table. But he was lucky… the bullet missed his vital organs. Apparently the biggest problem was the internal bleeding, but according to the doctor, they've stopped that."

Beckett's heart leapt into her throat. The images of Castle nearly dying during their ride in the ambulance jumped into her mind. Again, she was both shocked and amazed at what Josh had done. There was no beating around the bushes anymore. He had quite literally saved the life of the man his girlfriend had dumped him for. That's not what Beckett had thought at the time, but in retrospect, it was the truth.

Castle's lecture of a few days ago suddenly flashed up in her mind. Knowing what she now knew, it made sense. She understood it, where he was coming from.

XXX

Castle paused for a moment and narrowed his brow.

"Walk away."

Beckett gaped at him, totally blown away. She thought he knew her, understood her. Castle knew she just couldn't do that. He knew!

"They're going to kill you, Kate," he said, his voice and expression utterly serious. Anything of the Castle she knew looked gone and buried. He also looked like he had just been punch in the gut after saying it. "And if you don't care about that," he paused and glanced away for a moment, swallowing hard. "Then at least think about how that's going to affect the people that love you." His voice had quivered just slightly when he said that word… love. "You really want to put your Dad through that? And what about Josh?"

She couldn't believe he—of all people—had just mentioned Josh. She clenched her jaw, a little peeved at him. It had taken a lot out of her to admit that being with Josh was not what she wanted, and it had been difficult for her to face up to that. Beckett had already dealt with that particular roadblock, but obviously she still needed to get pass some more before she was home free. She wished that Castle would just come out and say what she knew he wanted to say. It was written all over his face, but he just couldn't seem to find the words, which was frustrating, considering his profession.

Beckett knew how she felt, she'd known for a while now, but she was still too confused—or was it afraid—to make the first move. She needed Castle to do that. So, when he made the mistake of mentioning Josh, Beckett narrowed her eyes, and could not hold it back any longer. She was going to try and nudge him in the direction, give him a little coaxing. And God… she prayed it would work.

"And what about you, Rick?" she nearly snapped, her insides going wild. She made sure to use his first name, instead of just calling him Castle.

"Of course I don't want anything to happen to you… I'm your partner!" Castle objected, and then added, a bit softer than before, "I'm your friend."

"Is that what we are?" Beckett asked, her heart hammering in her chest as she remembered Royce's letter.

That sent him over the edge. She could literally see him make that jump. She had hit a cord, and for a small moment, she was afraid of what she had unleashed. His gazed hardened and he shook his head.

The gloves were off.

"Alright," he said, stepping forward. "I don't know what… we are. We kiss and we never talk about it. We nearly die… frozen, in each other's arms. But WE NEVER talk about it! So, no! I got no clue what we are!" He paused and softened a bit. "I know I don't want to see you throw you're life away."

That set her off. She hated it when other people thought they knew what was best for her. "Yeah, well last time I checked, it was my life! Not you're personal jungle gym!"

He took a breath and ran a hand through his hair. Even though she was pissed as hell, she did notice that he looked hurt by the comment.

"And for the past three years, I've been running around with the school's funniest kid, and it's not enough!" she walked away from him, intent on showing him the door before she said anything more that she might regret later.

But Castle wouldn't let it drop. He never did. He just had to tug on her pigtails. Turning around to follow her, he opened his dumb mouth. "You know what, this isn't about you're mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide!"

Beckett stopped and spun around to face him, taking in a deep breath.

"Because you've been chasing this thing so long, you're afraid to find out who you are without it," he continued, hitting the nail on the head.

"You don't know me, Castle!" she shouted, her heart going wild in her chest. "You think you do, but you don't."

He set his jaw and lowered his brow. Breathing through his nose, he approached her, his mind set. She had never seen Castle so determined before. The sight actually frightened her a bit. "I know you crawled inside your mother's murder and didn't come out," he said. "I know you hide there… same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men YOU don't love!" He stopped his tirade and took a hard swallow, his voice had gotten really emotional near the end, and Beckett suspected she knew why. "You could be happy, Kate… you deserve to be happy."

Then tell me how you feel, she thought. Make me happy! She was actually left speechless by his little lecture. Beckett did not want to admit it, but he was right. He had her nailed. She was wrong. He did know her… she just didn't want to admit it, because of what it could mean.

Instead of saying those three words she wanted him to say, Castle breathed through his nose and said, "But you're afraid."

That did it. Beckett's anger came back. How could he tell her that? He was such a coward. She had given him the opening to say it, but he couldn't tell her how he really felt, even when he knew it could change things. He was just as afraid as she was. The bastard!

"You know what, Castle… we are over," she said, hardly believing what she was saying. "Now get out."

XXX

Back in the waiting room, the conversation replayed in her mind a thousand times. She remembered crying herself to sleep that night, knowing she had just potentially ruined the one bright thing in her life. She regretted so much of what she had said. Beckett wished she could take it all back, to tell Castle it was not over, but she couldn't face him, knowing how cruel and vindictive she had been. So, the next morning, she had went to see Montgomery, hoping that he would take it out of her hands and declare that Castle was here to stay and there was not a damn thing they could do about it.

But when he told her, fine, Castle's gone, she was flabbergasted. She began to protest, and the captain made it clear that this was his house and he wasn't going to let any outsider tell him how to run it. Her heart sank and she was devastated. She tried to hide it, but she suspected Montgomery had noticed, considering what he then told her. But in the end, it didn't look like her plan was going to work. There was no way she was going to get Castle back now. She couldn't face him, not with what she had said. Beckett had been hoping on an outside force like Montgomery to bring Castle back.

Crestfallen, with her hopes dashed away, Beckett turned inward and focused on her mother's case. Castle had tried to reach out to her, but she ignored him, not having the strength or courage to face him or the things she had said. So, at the hangar, when Montgomery had called Castle's name out and she turned around to see him behind her, she was baffled, yet somewhat relieved that despite all she had said to him, he still had her back. Yet, she couldn't focus on that, Montgomery was going to sacrifice himself. And then Castle was picking her up and dragging her out of the hangar, ignoring her kicks and protests. Outside, Castle held her as Montgomery made his last stand, dying to protect her. And when Montgomery had died, Beckett had to put things on hold… again.

Now, all that waiting seemed to have come back to haunt her. Castle had been shot, and he had nearly died, not just once, but multiple times. Blinking, she looked at her father, and asked him the only thing she could think off.

"Will… will they let us see him?" she murmured out, her voice shaky.

"They're moving him into a private room now, yes," Jim Beckett nodded. "Dr. Davidson says its one of the hospital's more accommodating rooms, has a couch and sitting area for family and friends, a private bathroom… the works."

Beckett nodded, turning to get her things, and was again stunned and amazed at how gracious Josh was being in defeat. Though, truth be told, there really had been no victory. No one had won anything. Castle and her relationship, whatever it was, was still somewhat strained by that one night where she had lost her temper and told him it was over. They had yet to talk about it. She knew she needed to make some apologies, but right now, it could wait.

The important thing was Castle was alive… if still badly injured and requiring time for rest and recovery. She knew it wouldn't be easy, but she wanted—no, needed—Castle. With all that had happened this year, with everyone she had lost, Beckett could not lose Castle.