Chapter 2: Telling You
High school is hell. Social opinions are very important. If you're on top then nobody messes with you. No bullies, no slushies, no bashing, basically no shit. Life's definitely better than those at the bottom. There, people are almost invisible and most of the student body avoids them like the plague. People there don't have a choice. They walk the hallways, heads bowed, and trying their best to be invisible. Life is miserable.
And Santana would rather eat crap than be at the bottom.
At seventeen, Santana is at the top of the social pyramid. Students parted when she walked down the hallways. It's always dead silent when she has something to say. Sure, she has an attitude but even if the teachers want to do something about it, they can't deny the constant A's that Santana gets. The girl has brains. A bitch, definitely, but girl's got beauty and brains. She's got a line of boys waiting for her after Cheerios practice. She gets jealous looks everywhere. They know never to cross Santana. They know that what Santana wants, Santana gets.
They also know that whoever messes with Brittany Pierce, messes with Santana.
Brittany is everybody's friend. She's nice and sweet and she carries a certain atmosphere that makes people smile. Her personality is the complete opposite of Santana. At least, that's what they think. Brittany mostly gets the passing grade and it's always with Santana's help. No one can explain x's and genus and tenses to Brittany like Santana can. Most are under the impression that Santana lets Brittany copy the answers off her paper but Santana would scoff at that. And Quinn would glare and say that Brittany doesn't need to.
Quinn worked her way up to the top with Santana. There's some rivalry between the two bestfriends but at the end of the day, it all vanishes. Like Santana, she's on honor roll and the queen bee, sharing the place with Santana. Jocks would do anything to tap her and Quinn has more than enough experiences of assholes trying to get in her pants. Brittany's always there to pick her up especially when Santana's off castrating the jerks.
The three of them are inseparable. Quinn's still the bossy one and Santana's still the mean one. But Brittany's still the one who mellows them so somehow, even with the time that has passed and even though they're on their junior year, it still works out.
"I think she's being chased by the Grinch." Quinn sighs. She and Brittany are at her locker, gathering up the stuff that she needs to bring home for the Christmas break. Santana is somewhere probably making out with another guy whose name she'll never bother to remember. That would explain Brittany's lost puppy look. Santana avoiding Brittany would explain the blonde's remark.
"I don't get why she's running away from me, Q." Brittany continues. She had seen the brunette at the lockers and she had wanted to approach her and ask her if everything was alright. But before she could, Santana's already zooming away from her. It hurt.
"I don't get why either."
"I mean, did I do something wrong? Is it because I forced her to watch Beauty and the Beast with me?" Quinn is so going to kill Santana.
"I'm sure that's not it, B."
"Are you a psychic?" Quinn chuckles. Brittany's got this excited look on her face but her blue eyes tell a different story. They falter and it's a little puffy the way her eyes do when she's about to cry. Seven years of friendship gave Quinn the ultimate talent of being able to observe the underlying emotions so well hidden by her friends. Everybody thinks that Santana's nothing but a bitch but Brittany and Quinn knows better. Nobody would run the streets during a storm to bring Brittany her favorite chocolate chip ice cream. Nobody knows what to say to Quinn when she's in one of those moods where she doesn't say anything at all. Nobody but Santana.
"No. But I do think we need one to know what the hell Santana's thinking." Brittany's face loses all excitement. She pouts the way she does when Santana's hurting her. "Aww, B. Don't worry, I'm sure she'll find a way around whatever's bothering her." Brittany smiles a small smile but the bitter sting of tears hits her and her smile turns teary. Quinn says nothing. She takes her hand and though it's not as perfect as the Santana's pinky in hers, she settles for the little things she has now.
They make their way over to Brittany's house. It's the homiest of the trio's houses. Santana hates Quinn's mother especially when Quinn comes to school with a barely concealed bruise. Santana's home is too lonely and the brunette's seems to be in pain when the clock hits midnight and it's still the three of them inside the big house. Brittany's parents are warm. And Quinn and Santana feeds on that warmth like starving children. Sometimes they do wonder if Brittany's parents care enough since they let the blonde do whatever she wants. But then they'd see them fuss over Brittany when she gets a scratch and that's enough to change their minds. They all know that Brittany's parents aren't perfect but they're more than enough to provide the care that they all need.
"Girls, dinner at 8, okay?" Mr. Pierce call after them.
"Yes, Dad."
"Okay, Mr. P." Brittany collapses on her duck-covered bed and groans. Quinn does the same thing.
"I hate her. I really, really do." Quinn whines. Brittany giggles.
"She's not that bad."
"Sue Sylvester was sent from hell. I don't know how Santana can still go out after that much muscle training."
"She's tough. Sometimes, a little too tough." Brittany replies. Quinn jumps off the bed and rummages through Brittany's DVD collection which mainly consisted of the complete Disney movies, and finds something that she saw Santana pull out of nowhere every time Brittany seems down. As the Disney castle starts the movie, she settles beside Brittany who's looking at the TV but doesn't quite comprehend it. Santana would pull the blonde to her lap and softly comb her fingers through her hair. Quinn could give it a try but she knows that it's pointless. It's one of the things that only Santana can give to Brittany.
"Dogs can feel, right?" Brittany asks. Quinn gives it some thought.
"I guess. I mean they cry when someone hits them."
"They also cry when they're puppies and they're really lonely."
"So yeah. Dogs can feel." Quinn affirms not sure where the conversation is going.
"Santana told me that we're like dogs. We're animals. Only higher and smarter. Our feelings are harder to understand."
"Right."
"But sometimes I wonder if Santana feels something like the way Lady feels for the Tramp." Brittany looks unsure, a little hurt. "I definitely do. I want to walk around the park and discover new things with her. I want to share a plate of spaghetti and have someone play music behind us. But how do I do that if she's running away?" Quinn sighs.
"You have to hold on, B. You know Santana. She needs time."
"I am. I'm trying my best to wait and see if she'll see it."
"It?" Brittany looks at her and Quinn knows that there's no doubt about it now.
"Can girls fall in love with girls?" Raised as a Catholic, Quinn's not so sure how to answer. "I mean, does God get mad at girls who fall in love with girls?" Quinn remains silent, lost in contemplation. Brittany realizes this and lets her be. Her eyes water when the beginning notes of "Bella Notte" plays. Santana sang to her once and it made her entire week. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get why Santana's so afraid. And if there's anything in the world that frustrates her more than Math, it's not being able to understand Santana.
There's a hole inside her and there's that feeling again. The one that's sure to be followed by big, fat tears. Santana hates it when she cries. So she holds it in. But it hurts. And she doesn't know what to do.
"I don't think God will get mad." Quinn says minutes later. Brittany eyes sparkle.
"Really? So I can love Santana and we can go to heaven together?"
"Yep. As long as it's love." Quinn turns to look at her. She knows it's pointless to ask but she needs to hear it for herself. "Do you love Santana?"
"Yup." Brittany says.
"Like love love?" Brittany falters, unsure.
"Does love love mean that I want to see her every day and when she runs away from me it hurts? I don't know, Q. I love her as a friend but then I feel these weird stuff that I don't feel with you or Mom or Dad. Like when San touches me it feels like I'm so alive. And then my heart feels like it's tumbling. And then there are times when nothing happens but everything still seem so right." She turns to Quinn. "Is that love, Q?" Quinn smiles and makes a mental note to smack Santana later.
"I love her like I've never loved anyone else in the world. I love her in the way that makes me dance so I can see her look at me like I'm the only person in the world and she wouldn't have it any other way. She looks at me like that you know? Every time I danced in Cheerios. I love her in a way that makes me hurt every time she gets hurt. I'd cry if she cries but I'd try my best to make her laugh too. I'm happy every time she is. I'd give her a shooting star if I can." She pauses. "Is that love, Q?"
"I'm pretty sure it is, B." There's no point really and Quinn doesn't get why Santana keeps on running away. Brittany's blue eyes fill with life, the cloud of doubt gone.
"I love Santana."
Sometime in the middle of the movie, Quinn thinks she might have heard her say: "I wonder if she knows that she loves me too."
"Well, well. Hello, babe." Puck leans against the door of the Cheerios changing room, his eyes roaming Santana's entire body. Though Santana glares at him, she doesn't make a move to stop him. Instead, she smirks.
"Hey, jock." Puck advances and takes Santana's Cheerio duffel bag. Santana plays her part. She links her arm with his letting the man feel the power over her but she raises her chin high to tell everyone else that she's still on top. Predictably, Puck grins like the asshole he is. He leads them down the hallway.
"Damn that Puck. How come he gets the hottest babes?"
"I wonder how many times they do it in a day."
"I hear Santana likes it on top and Puck bangs her like no other that's why they've been together this long."
The rumors don't stop. Somewhere inside the shell that Santana has made, the real her crawls up in a ball and breaks. She smirks at the jealous girls lining up the hallway and the real her wishes she could be like them. Normal.
"Hey, hey! That's my girlfriend's ass you're looking at. Eyes up, stupid." She hears Puck yell at a freshman. The guy scrambles away. High school survival tactics. While she tries to maintain her position at the top and enjoy the protection benefits it comes with, some are bound to scrambling away, desperately wishing to be invisible.
Puck's hand snake into hers and she lets him. He waggles his eyebrows maniacally at her. She smiles. It's all just part of a horrible script. Still, Santana acts what she has left, ignoring the pleas of her heart. This is necessary, she thinks. It's for her and Brittany. Always for Brittany. So she squeezes back when Puck squeezes her hands. She walks like she means it until they step into the safety of Puck's car. She sighs, that might have sounded a little too much like a sob.
"You're in my car, babe. No tears allowed remember?" Santana remains silent, her eyes closed, her breathing ragged as she tries to push back the emotions. "You okay?" She hears Puck whisper softly, gently as if he's afraid that if he asked the question louder, it might shatter her.
"You might have a future as an actor." Santana says, evading the question. Puck scoffs.
"Right. Where do you wanna go?" Santana looks out and up at the grayish clouds.
"Far, far away." Away from this bullshit that they call high school. Away from the confusion that made her avoid the one person that may give it all some sense. Away from her real dying self. Away from everything that's making her life a living hell.
"Yes, boss." Puck replies, trying to lift the heavy mood. He drives without knowing where to go either. He does know that Santana needs out of here so he steps on the gas and zooms out of the parking lot and into the unknown. He lets the silence reign, not really knowing what to say. He watches Santana at the corner of his eye, afraid that she might break. After all, she wasn't as strong as she may appear.
He ends up driving to the park. Santana unclasps the seatbelt and steps out. She breathes in the deep, clean air and exhales the thick, poisonous heartbreak. She leans on the car's hood and Puck follows her lead.
"How long are you going to do this?" Puck asks.
"What?" She tries to avoid but she knows it's futile. Puck's already seen through her.
"This. This whole pretending thing." Santana came to him one day, demanding him to be her boyfriend and promising sex. He was overjoyed. At first. But who can blame him? He's in high school where social status is everything and the of the top bees comes to him and wants to have sex with him. Who wouldn't agree to that? BUt Puck maybe all for the power and sex but he's not that much of an idiot. And he'd known Santana since she was 6. He'd been wary of her since that time when Azimio got his fat ass kicked. And they were 6. He knew something was wrong. And Santana confirmed it herself.
Tears fell when she pulled him to the bed with her. Santana didn't even notice but Puck panicked. As far as he was concerned, Santana Lopez does not cry. After much prying and a whole lot of self-control on his part, Puck listened to Santana's story.
"As long as it takes." Santana says after a pause. Her voice breaks.
"You're still on my car, Santana. No tears. My baby might explode or something." Santana chuckles half-heartedly. "Why are you doing this?"
"Why not?" Puck scoffs at her answer. She damn well knows why not.
"I saw her face when you ran away from her. Again. Quinn took her home, I think. You're hurting her. You know Brittany when she's sad. It's like you murdered a fucking puppy."
"I know."
"So why are you doing this?" Santana remains silent, partly because Puck already knows enough and partly because she's not sure why either.
"Are you still in love with Quinn?" Puck's cheeks flare and Santana almost forgets that this is the same guy who knows nothing but sex. Santana chuckles at his embarrassment.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He knows it's a futile attempt because Santana knows him all too well.
"Yeah, right. The fuck you don't know. The only reason you'd know B's hurt is because she's with Quinn whom you're stalking like the secret creeper you actually are." Santana laughs when Puck blushes to the his maximum blushing potential.
"Bitch. Sometimes I wonder why we're friends."
"You're not the only one. I wonder about it every day." Puck loses the pathetic pout he had on. He contemplates the question because maybe he's just like Santana. Maybe he's just as lost as she is.
"I don't know if I still love her or if I ever did." Puck regrets talking when Santana faces him, her head bitch glare in place.
"Are you an idiot?"
"Uhh, yes?"
"You loved her, stupid. Nobody would put drugs on the fucking cupcakes for it to sell just so he can save a girl form disappointment. Nobody would do pool cleaning for MILF's just so he can earn extra." She pauses and her eyes soften. "No man would cry like a baby and proceed to drown himself in alcohol when he finds out that a girl got a new boyfriend. No man. Not any man. No one expect for those like you who's so hopelessly in love."
"I ain't a baby." Puck says a little too sad.
"You're on your car, you hypocrite. No tears." Puck laughs and they lapse back into silence.
Santana stares at the open space and at the people walking by them. She's not sure what's happening. She's not sure why she's doing this. All she knows is this is for Brittany. All this is to protect Brittany.
Is it really?
Santana doesn't know anymore.
"Puck?"
"Mmmm?"
"Why do you love Quinn? I mean, why her of all people? You can fuck any girl you want. You can date anyone you like. But why is it that you love only Q? Aside from you know, she had your child." Puck, who's lying down on the hood, opens his eyes and stares at the heavy-looking clouds. It's been a year since Quinn had his baby. It still hurts even after all this time because he's a step closer to being the one man he doesn't want to be: his dad. And then, as if life is proving to him that everything can get a lot worse, Quinn started avoided him. He didn't have the balls to tell her that he needed her.
"I met her when we were six. Before you guys met her. I was playing with the assholes. You know, the ones who hurt your B." Santana splutters but remains silent. "I can't remember what happened but that fat ass Azimio punched me in the face. I think I threw a car at him accidentally. Quinn happened to be walking by and she saw me get trashed. I remember being so damn embarrassed. I mean, I was the bad ass kid and suddenly some guy throws around like a doll. Anyway, I pushed her away when she tried helping me. I even threw my toys at her. But she kept on coming forward and pretty soon, I ran out of stuff to throw."
"She cared for you?" Puck nods, a small smile on his face. It was that of pure joy and Santana can't deny or doubt the emotion behind it. Puck looks as if he didn't have a dad who left them or a depressed mom. Puck looks like everything was perfect and Santana aches.
"More than that. It was the first time anyone ever scolded me." Santana laughs. It was so Quinn.
"Of course she did."
"Yeah. She was such a bitch about it too. But after she cleaned my wounds, she punched me saying I'm a big jerk for worrying her. I was just shocked. I mean, I didn't even know who she is! So I told her that. And she laughed and introduced herself."
"Did you even thank her?"
"'Course. That's how I first got a hug. She was warm, not like my mother's hand or my dad's beer bottles before the asshole left us. Quinn punched me again though. And then she ran away."
"Whipped." Santana mumbles. Puck catches it.
"Shut up! I am not."
"You so are."
"Yeah? At least I admit it." Santana's face changes. Her eyes drop and there's shame on her face. Puck regrets it.
"Look, I don't know why I love Quinn. But I do. It's fucking pathetic too. Still, it helps that at least I know. Because now my only problem is finding out what I want to do about it."
"Knowing is half the battle." Santana says, thoughtful.
"Right." And then Santana cracks.
"I just…! I just don't know what's happening." Damn the rule. Tears are falling and she can't do anything to stop it.
"You do, Lopez. But you're too much of a pussy to admit it. What's holding you back?" His words cut deep through Santana and it hurts more than it should. She feels the fight fade and her shoulders sag. Puck is at a loss but Santana needs this. She needs to cry.
"If…" Santana gasps. "If people find out… If my parents find out… I'm scared." She chokes and this time Puck gathers her in his arms. "I'm scared that I'm going to lose everything and everybody I care about. I'm scared that I'll find myself alone. I'm scared that they'll call me batshit crazy. I'm scared that nobody will ever love me."
"Brittany will, Santana. You love her, don't you?" Santana realizes that she's so tired of fighting. She realizes that the only battle she's fighting is a battle against herself. The realizations crashes down on her and it paralyzes her.
If she says it now – if she admits it, everything will become real. This won't be just another nightmare she has to wake up from. It's going to be a lot scarier than that. If she says the words that she's locked up inside her for so long, she's going to have to deal with all the things that can change her entire life. For all she knows, it might be the end of the life she lived. It might be the end of her dreams. It might end the illusion that's protecting her from reality. It scares the hell out of her.
So she chooses to stay quiet. She chooses to live in her world of illusions a little longer. She's not ready.
"Damn it, Lopez." Puck says but the words are empty because really, he doesn't understand what's happening to her and he knows that. So for now, all he can do is sit quietly and let Santana have her break.
Hell, all anyone can do right now is ride along and pretend with her. To do so until she's ready to face the real and harsher world.
Puck takes her home. He doesn't say a word because this time, he's sure that the words will break her. And she's barely holding on as it is. He takes her to her house first because he knows that she needs to get cleaned up and pack clothes. It's always been like this anyway. At least, it always has been every time she's too close to breaking. After, he takes her to Brittany's home because try as Santana might, the last thing she needs right now is an empty house.
It's half past ten but Quinn immediately answers the door. She surveys the scene. Puck's arm is wrapped around Santana's waist. And Santana looks like she just got back from war. Her Cheerios bag is barely on her shoulder.
"Where the fuck have you been?" She directs the question at Santana whose face doesn't show any evidence of tears. But Santana doesn't say anything, too tired to make up a lie. "Where have you two been?" This time she glares at Puck as if she hates him the most. Somewhere inside the badass, something breaks but at same time, he's relieved. Relieved that she still has feelings for him even if it's hate.
"Quinn." He says hoarsely as he suddenly feels the exhaustion radiating from Santana's body. She can't handle this right now. Not tonight.
"Please." Santana begs. But Quinn doesn't here the desperation in her voice.
"Oh, don't worry. I see. You guys have been fucking each other all day have you?" Santana's eyes tear. Nobody knows. Nobody knows because she doesn't tell them anything. Nobody knows because she doesn't know what to tell. She brought this upon herself so she stands there on the doorway and tries to keep it in – to not feel.
"What's your deal Santana? I mean, I know you need time. But this? This is ridiculous. How can you show up on her doorstep with him?"
"Hey!" Puck tries but Quinn ignores him.
"She fell asleep worrying about you, you idiot! And you come here with Puck? Really? Are seriously that insensitive? Running away from her was one thing. How can you do this to her? What more do you want to happen?"
"I'm sorry." Santana means it and Puck almost begs for Quinn to stop. But Santana moves her body to face Quinn, silently telling Puck to stay out of it.
"Oh that's what you have to say? You're sorry?"
"Yes, Quinn! Yes. I'm sorry. So please. You can scold me again and bitch about my crap all you want tomorrow. And the day after that. But right now, please,let me in."
"Why? So you can hurt her again with your irrational decisions?" Puck finally decides to step forward but before he can say anything, Mrs. Pierce appears beside Quinn.
"Quinn, Santana? What's going on?" Santana almost smiles.
"Mrs. P…" The tone of her voice betrays her and for the first time since Puck knocked on the door, it reaches Quinn. "I'm sorry. I know it's late." Mrs. Pierce knows Santana long enough that she needs the one person that matters so much to her. Though she may know about Santana's unpredictable escapades, she trusts the brunette still. She knows her long enough to hear more than the words that Santana said. So she steps aside.
"She's already sleeping." Santana nods gratefully. She steps inside and hugs Mrs. Pierce letting the warmth of motherly comfort reach her.
"I'm sorry." She whispers to the older woman. Mrs. Pierce smiles.
"I know." Santana awkwardly steps away and proceeds into the house. She looks at Quinn who's looking at Santana's back. She looks at the guy that must be Puck and how he's looking at Quinn.
"You're mom called, Quinn. Twice." Quinn sighs, dreading the thought of going home. "You must be Puck? Can you please take her home?" Mrs. Pierce continues. Before Quinn can protest, Puck smiles a wide smile and nods his head.
"Of course, Mrs. Pierce." Quinn is struck speechless by the exchange.
"Q, you need to go back. And this nice man Puck will take you. Hurry now. Before your dad comes home." That snaps her out of it and she rushes to gather her stuff.
"I can trust you to take care of Quinn?" Mrs. Pierce asks Puck.
"Yes." He answers within a heartbeat. She seems satisfied. She waves goodbye to Quinn telling her that she can come back tomorrow to which Quinn is grateful. She watches them drive away and congratulates herself with her matchmaking skills.
She locks up and switches the lights off, ready to join her already snoring husband. But when she passes by Brittany's room, she hears something she didn't quite expect.
Santana stumbles her way to Brittany's room. She can barely hear Quinn give a half protest about something Mrs. P told her. The halls are spinning as if preventing her from going to Brittany – to being where she needs to be right now more than ever. But she's not known for being stubborn for nothing. So she trudges her way up to Brittany's room, her whole body leaning against the walls. The emotions have sapped everything in her and she can't anymore.
She manages to open the door quietly. But Brittany shifts and she's a heavy sleeper. She's rarely ever restless. The guilt flares and she drops her Cheerios bag as quietly as she can. It's sad, she thinks, as her eyes take in what she's been missing all week. It's killing her and she's convinced that maybe dying would make everything a lot better. No pain. No guilt. No denial.
There's a lump in her throat and it's the same feeling she felt when someone's hurting Brittany. Only this time it hurts more because this time she's hurting her. The thought lights everything inside her in flames and she realizes that she just wants everything to be a lot easier. She wants everything to be a little less complicated. Santana's eyes turn glassy and in the dim light she seems lost. She takes a step toward Brittany but freezes when the blonde's breathing hitches the way it does when she's having a bad dream. Santana is torn. In her original plan, she's going to sleep on the floor beside Brittany bed and leave in the morning before Brittany wakes up. She can't handle sleeping beside her best friend, afraid of the feelings and the implications that come with the act. But her instincts, the part of her that governs most of what she decides to do, is telling her to reach out, to save her best friend from the terrors invading her dreams.
Santana takes another step forward ignoring the way everything is crashing down on her or the way her heart pumps faster with fear. She wipes the stray tears away and she cleans her face. Right now, it's not about her. Hell, her life was never about herself. It was always about keeping Brittany safe, keeping Brittany happy. Brittany. The girl changed her life that day back at the playground. She owes her everything. Her heart beats because Brittany taught it how to.
She climbs as gently as she can to the empty side next to Brittany. She ignores the way her mind is screaming at her, telling her to move away, to not do what she is about to do. But her heart remains silent. It is beating without fail. It beats as it does normally. Because this is what she's meant to do. This, gathering Brittany in her arms when a nightmare ruins her happy dreams, feels right. She encircles the person who means so much to her. So much that it scares her. So much that she's not ready to admit to herself just how much. She gathers her in, acting as the big spoon, and tries to protect her from the terrors of the night. She sings quietly and softly.
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin if I can't help…
Falling in love with you.
The single line flows effortlessly yet the weight of it prevents Santana from continuing. But she doesn't need to. Brittany, still unconscious, snuggles into Santana's warmth her forehead smooth. Santana chokes on a sob when she realizes just how perfect they seem to fit.
And so, unaware of the sad and concerned eyes of a mother who is witnessing the scene, Santana falls into an uneasy sleep, burying herself into the only comfort she's ever had.
"You know, maybe you should lay off Santana a bit." Quinn scoffs at Puck's statement.
"Of course you'd defend your fuck buddy's honor. Don't tell me you're already attached to her. Aww, big, badass, mysterious Puck has fallen in love. Who would have known?" The sarcasm is dripping from Quinn's voice and Puck winces. But his jaw clamps shut because the story is not his to tell.
"Let it go, Q." Before Quinn can retort something sharp and smart, Puck cuts her off. "Sometimes, what's happening in plain sight is not always the case in what's happening inside." If Quinn wasn't so infuriated, her jaw might have dropped open. Regardless, she chooses not to retort thinking that it's not worth. The rest of the ride is that of tense silence. Out of the corner of her eye, she watches Puck. She would never admit it, but he looks tired, like he's aged more than just a year. His mohawk looks almost out of place with the way his brown eyes shone with depth. Quinn removes her gaze from, a little terrified.
"Be there for her. Santana's not as badass as everybody thinks she is. We both know that she's not Santana motherfuckin' Lopez under that shit of a mask she always puts up. Hell, you know that better than I do. Sometimes she's just Santana." Puck says when Quinn step out of the car.
"I know that. I'm not stupid." Quinn hisses, her eyes turning a dangerous shade of green and if Puck was being honest with himself, he'd say that it's hot.
"I never said you were. I'm just sayin'."
"Her vulnerability does not give her an excuse to hurt her best friend like that."
"But it does give her the right to breakdown, right? Her side of the story is not a story I can tell. So just you know, whenever you can, be there for her." Quinn walks away from him but Puck is satisfied. Her scent is lingering in the car and he closes the windows immediately, trapping what little part of her he has left.
He is so whipped. But of course, Santana doesn't need to know that.
Santana wakes up from a dreamless sleep. The sun has yet to rise and Brittany is wrapped around her, her blonde head resting on her chest. The smile that makes its way is unhindered, natural, effortless. But the haze wears off and she becomes aware of the sinking feeling in her stomach.
She can't stay. Not yet.
So with difficulty, she untangles herself from Brittany, who seems to be sleeping soundly. Almost painfully, she moves to gather her stuff. She closes Brittany's duck-covered door without looking back afraid of what she might do. She walks down the stairs as quietly as she can.
"Leaving so soon, Santana?" Mrs. Pierce's gentle voice startles her. She jumps. Mrs. Pierce emerges from the kitchen, apron and all. She chuckles as she hands her a hot cup of chocolate. Santana has no choice but to drop her duffel bag and accept it. She smiles her thanks.
"How did you sleep?"
"Okay." Santana says quietly. She takes a sip from her cup, avoiding Mrs. Pierce's eyes.
"How are you?" Santana falters visibly. But she recovers almost immediately.
"I'm doing fine." She says. Mrs. Pierce hears the tremor in her voice and she's about to comment on it when Santana rushes her hot chocolate and stands up abruptly. "I'm sorry, Mrs. P. I really need to go, I didn't tell my parents that I'd be sleeping over." Santana thanks her again for the drink and rushes to the front door.
"Santana?" The way she says her name almost breaks Santana. It's coated with sadness, worry, and she might have heard a bit of disappointment. The hand that's already clutching the door knob freezes and her shoulders suddenly begins to shake. She mentally tells herself to hold it in over and over again. "Santana." This time, her instincts defy her and she automatically submits to the quiet order. She faces Brittany's mom who may as well be her mom. She stares intently at her hands, unable to keep from fidgeting. Before she can say anything, she's enveloped in a familiar warmth.
"Find your way back, Santana. I know you can. She's waiting for you." Mrs. Pierce whispers to her. And the just like that, Mrs. Pierce is back to humming some song while making her way back to the kitchen. Santana is left stunned and confused. Nonetheless, she hurries out the house.
She walks home her mind wandering into different places. Her grades have never been better. It has always been her dream get out of this sorry excuse for a town. Ever since she was little, she knew that she's destined to be a lawyer with her own firm. She watched tons of movies about them and at one point she even read what they were reading. But when she reached her teenage years, she decided to take it one step at a time. So she began acing her classes and took comfort in the way the teachers didn't do anything about the way she sometimes terrorized he halls by bringing a slushie with her. She needed power.
She needs power in order to be able to get out of here. She needs power to earn and win a courtroom. She needs it to earn and help Brittany start her own dance studio. They'd be way outside the crippled world they've been trapped in since they were born. They'd be free to do whatever they wanted. She'd come home tired and exhausted and she wouldn't mind because she knows that Brittany will be there waiting for her.
Her thoughts screech to a stop and Santana clutches her heart. Without knowing it, there was another thing that Santana was so sure of since the time she wanted to become a lawyer. She was so sure that she and Brittany will go out into the real world together. The thought creates warm and fuzzy feelings inside her but she can't deny the stab of regret and fear piercing her guts. The bile rises to her throat and she tries her hardest to push it down. The pain is overwhelming. And the conflicting feelings create more waves of nausea.
How could she assume something with everything that's been happening to her? How can she assume something when she can't even be anywhere near her without shutting down? How can she assume? What right does she have to assume?
Santana almost drags her body home. There'd be no one inside and her parents better damn well know where she's been. They aren't stupid. She can't deal with their questions right now. The guard opens the massive gate. She enters her home and is greeted by silence – that sickening silence that she's been enduring for more than 18 years. Someone takes her bag from her and Santana thanks whatever luck she has left that they have a couple of maids or three. She collapses in her room, undisturbed and very much alone.
Santana curls under the comfort of her bed covers and she buries her head into her cold pillow. She reverts back to the little girl she was when she used to hide under the covers during a thunderstorm and nobody was around to comfort her. Only this time, it's a little different and a lot sadder.
If she chooses to accept herself, everyone will eventually know and everything that she's been working on, her reputation, her power, all of it will crumble. Her parents were religious folks. Sure, they weren't always there but they tried their hardest. They gave her everything she needed. They are her parents and despite everything, she loves them. But if she dares to admit it first to herself and then to them, it might ruin everything – it will ruin everything. And this is the first thing she knows will happen.
Then there's the school. She's already struggling to keep her power ever since Brittany pushed her to join Glee club. She'll lose the little hold she has on power and everybody will look at her like the way they look at that Kurt boy. Her body shudders at the thought of getting slushied. She doesn't really mind the cold drink. It's the embarrassment that scares her. Kurt got it good, in fact. He had friends to stand up for him. Her, Santana knew that she's a bitch and everybody's exactly waiting for her with open arms. And then there's the worst part of it all.
She'll be dragging Brittany into this whole mess. She's already bullied as it is and if not for Santana, she's pretty sure the jerks will all have their wicked way with her. She can't bear to see Brittany hurt. But then again, she's already hurting her. Santana lets out a quiet whimper. The inner turmoil is almost too much to bear. Her heart constricts in the worst possible way – the way it does every time she knows that she hurt the one person that matters the most in her fucked up life. Quiet tears slide down her face and she's just so tired.
Santana's been so busy thinking of the worst that she forgets to take the positive into account. And there's only one. Brittany. Santana's not stupid. She knows that those make out session with her meant something more to Brittany. Her kisses never failed to spark something inside her as if Brittany's reaching out. If she chooses to accept whatever shit is happening, she knows that Brittany will be as happy as she ever will be. She won't be hurting her anymore. No more sneaky glances, no more boys, no more tears.
And that's what matters right? Santana could care less if the whole world melted or if the sun disappeared. She knows that right from the day she met that gangly and tall blue-eyed girl who introduced herself as Brittany, nothing and no one else was her world. Making Brittany laugh became the best part of her life; making her cry became the worst. Loving Brittany the way she always did became her reason for life – whether she was ready to admit it or not; whether she was conscious of it or not.
Santana curls into a tighter ball, her eyes shut tight. She knew that the only best part of this will eventually win her over. But it doesn't mean that she's not scared shitless. Someone knocks on her door. Santana ignores it, intent on trying her best to disappear from the world. The knocks ceases and Santana is left alone. Or so she thought.
"S?" The soft voice startles Santana. She hears the sadness and the worry and Santana shuts her eyes tight. She wishes hard for the earth to swallow her alive. Her heart thuds powerfully in her chest, responding to her call.
"S." This time, Brittany's voice is a lot closer. She can't help it, her body shuffles and she hears Brittany sigh in relief. The bed dips beside her and slowly, the black covers are removed to reveal her in such a vulnerable state. Santana doesn't care. This is Brittany after all.
Brittany's heart almost breaks when she sees Santana. There were dried tear tracts on her face and her eyes are shut as if afraid that if she opens them, the tears might fall. Brittany doesn't say anything. Instead, she gently drags Santana and positions her between her legs. She hugs her, letting Santana bury her face to her neck. Her body trembles and Brittany suddenly feels terrified that Santana might die in her arms. But she shakes the thought out. Santana wouldn't do that. Santana wouldn't leave her. She pinky promised to come back to her always.
Santana clutches Brittany's shirt, unable to form words. She tries to suck in the tears. But Brittany knows, she always does.
"It's okay to cry, S. It doesn't mean you're weak. It just means that you've been fighting to be strong for too long. Let it out, San. And then you can be brave again. But this time, let me be strong for you." Santana wanted so much to tell her that between the two of them, Brittany's always been the stronger one. "I can be Superman if you like." Santana half sobs and half giggles at that and then the dam breaks and the gate is pushed open.
Santana opens her eyes and blue meets brown. It fills her with strength and when Brittany smiles reassuringly, Santana becomes brave enough to let go. She wraps her arms around Brittany's neck, letting the blonde hold her. She can feel Brittany's fear of losing her and Santana tightens her hold just as Brittany's arms tighten around her waist. She's not going anywhere, she silently tells Brittany.
Brittany hums a tune beside Santana's ear, hoping to calm her down as she lets go completely. Brittany tells her again and again those three words that everybody in the world wants to hear. Santana breaks into a million pieces but each time she hears her say it, she feels a little better, a little more alive, a little loved. And she wonders what in the world she wants more than this?
It's an hour later when Santana's sobs turn into quiet sniffles.
"Can you stop running away from me now? I'm not the Grinch you know. Or the monster in your closet." Santana laughs gently but she doesn't answer. She's made a decision and the battle that's been raging within her for months now ceases. The only thing left now is courage.
"Can we be the way were before? We don't have to make out. I just really miss you." Brittany continues. Santana, who was still seated in between Brittany's legs, turns to look at her.
"I know. I'm sorry. I miss you too, B." Brittany's eyes sparkle and then it falters. "What's wrong?" Santana is suddenly worried.
"Artie asked me out yesterday." And just like that, Santana's whole world reverts back to black and white. Santana retracts her whole body from Brittany as if she was electrocuted. Brittany looks sadder as if she expected Santana to do just that.
"What did you say?" Her voice is hoarse, weak.
"I didn't give him an answer yet." Santana tries to ignore the spark of hope.
"Do you want to go?"
"I don't know." Santana feels that she should tell her, now or never.
"B? I'm…" Brittany looks at her, the desperation clear in her eyes. Spit it out, Santana tells herself. She takes a deep breath. And then she forces a heartbreaking smile. "I'm happy for you." It wasn't what she was supposed to say at all.
"Are you?" The harshness of her tone shocks Santana. Of course she knows, she always does. "Please. Stop lying. Tell me the truth, Santana. Are you?" Santana smiles and even laughs a little. It may have been just her but it very much sounded like a sob; like she was choking.
"Of course I am, B." Brittany's eyes flash dangerously. She jumps out of Santana's bed.
"Liar." Brittany says, angry. "Why? Why won't you stop that?"
"Stop what?" Brittany looks at her as if she's crazy and Santana thinks maybe she is. But then her best friend's shoulders drop and she looks sad.
"That. I hate it when you're lying to me. But I hate it more when you're lying to yourself." It scares Santana the way Brittany knows her more than she knows herself. And Santana's just so fucking tired of being scared that she snaps. In a flash, she's standing in front of Brittany, her eyes near black.
"What do you want me to say then, Brittany?"
"The truth!" Brittany fires back.
"You want the truth?"
"Yes, Santana, I want the truth." That's it for Santana. She can't hold back anymore.
"The truth? Fine then! Here's the whole fucking truth. I. Am. Not. Happy. There. I'm not happy not because you're going to date a boy who's stuck in a wheelchair forever. Hell, I'll even help him find a way for him to walk if I can! I don't care! I don't care, I shouldn't care who he dates. But I do care that he wants to date you!"
"Oh yeah and what's so wrong about that?" Santana becomes unstoppable.
"Don't you get it?"
"No. Please enlighten me."
"I'm not happy for you because I should be him! God! I should be the one to take you out to dinner. I should be the one to walk with you. I should be the one to hold your hand. But no! He had to come to the picture and take you away. I should be the one, Brittany. I should be the one who will love you. I am the one who loves more than anything else in the world. AND IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! Because everyone in this whole godforsaken town think that it's wrong when it's the only thing I know is right." It's out and there's nothing Santana can do to take it back. "Here I am, in pain and Artie comes, who by the way is your knight in shining freaking wheels and whisks you away. So no, Brittany. I'm not happy for you. Because I love you and it hurts so bad that I'm such a coward who won't fight for you. Because I love you more than he ever will."
Stunned silence follows Santana's words and Santana thinks that it's over now. She'd lost the only chance of ever being with her soul mate. When Brittany simply looks at her, shocked for more than a couple of minutes, Santana feels the sting of tears and she turns away unable to look at her any longer. She's ready to collapse back to her bed when Brittany suddenly grabs her hand and forcibly turns her around and kisses her.
Santana's hearts beats like it never did before when Brittany's lips touched hers. They fall back to the bed with Brittany on top. And Santana finds it within her to return Brittany's kiss with fervor. She kisses her hard and gentle at the same time as she pulls Brittany's body into her as if trying to mold their bodies together. Her hands are instantly lost in blonde hair. She bites her lower lip demanding entrance and Brittany lets her in. Everything is lost after that. All the desperation, hurt, fear, and most of all, love pours into the kiss unhindered and it fuels something inside them. It was both a second chance in life and pleasant way to die. It was light. It was home. It was everything Santana ever needed. Her. Brittany.
Brittany is first to pull away for air and they gasp for it like dying men drowning in the sea. Santana's eyes are black with lust and something else that made Brittany feel like mush inside and out. Brittany's is a calm sea of blue and something that made Santana feel utterly stupid for taking such a long time to figure it all out.
"I love you." Santana says as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Brittany smiles so wide and it makes Santana decide that everything that may happen after this will be worth it.
"I know, S. I love you." Tears form but this time Brittany kisses them away. "I'm scared too. But I have you now, right? Then I'm okay." Santana nods her head as she feels a burden lift from her shoulders. Finally. Finally.
Bad things were sure to come. But Santana could care less now.
"I love you." She says it again and again until they fall asleep in each other's arms, exhausted but absolutely content.
Artie doesn't take the news lightly. He tried persuading Brittany telling her that Santana's only manipulating her and eventually, telling her that she's stupid. That breaks Brittany and sends Santana running from across the school to take Brittany in her arms. She sings Songbird to Brittany and that leads to a good make out session in the janitor's closet. As for Artie, he goes home the next day with his wheelchair missing a wheel.
It took a lot of persuasion and a whole lot more of courage but Santana and Brittany holds hands as they come out to Santana's parents. Brittany held her tight that night and the nights after when Mr. and Mrs. Lopez ceased to come home early completely. A couple of weeks after, Santana holds Brittany tight, happy tears sliding down both their faces when Mr. and Mrs. Pierce hugs them both after Mrs. Pierce squealed like a fan girl when they told them that they were a couple. Mr. Pierce had clapped Santana's back and winked at her and that prompted Santana to hug the man that was more of a father now to her than her own.
Quinn came to apologize to Santana and Brittany had taken the other blonde and told that it was okay. Santana smiled at her. It was a little tired but Quinn was just happy to see her smile. Puck, of course, was there to tease the hell out of Santana. But he was also there when Santana stood in front of Glee club with her Cheerios uniform gone. He was there when Azimio tried to slushie Santana. And he was with Santana when they decided to wreck Azimio's car when he did slushie Brittany.
Santana wouldn't call her life perfect for now. But it's all she ever needed and wanted. Brittany was there every step of the way, unwavering. She was strong for the both of them when Santana was too broken and Santana stood up for her when Brittany was too nice to do it for herself.
That day when Brittany kissed her gave Santana a new sense of life. This time she lived her life to be everything Brittany deserved to have. That day when Brittany kissed her was the first day that Santana said I love you and meant it with everything she had in her. That day was the first and last day that Santana will ever be scared of telling Brittany what her heart dictates.
A/N: DON'T KILL ME. I know it's been almost two months. And I am so sorry. School was freaking hell. And the long tests kept on coming. I tried to write as much a I could during my free time but geez, sometimes I hate school. Sometimes. On the other hand, thank you so much for the reviews and alerts in the first chapter.
The song Santana sang to the sleeping Brittany is from Elvis Presley's I Can't Help Falling In Love With You.
Y'all know that reviews keep me alive and going so please drop by. Merry Christmas everyone!
Brittana (just when are they going to kiss?),
theangel1710