The road not taken

Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.

Susan was living a life on the verge of tears and she was tired of it. The charade had taken its toll on her and she wanted nothing more than to just leave it all behind. She wanted to feel close to her siblings again instead of living on the other side of the wall she built around herself. However, she could not yet find the crack that would allow her freedom from her self-imposed prison.

Breakfast was another silent affair as she set the table while Peter attempted to cook pancakes, which he clearly could not. Edmund wrestled with making fresh orange juice or simply serving water as Lucy collected all the syrup, spreads and other condiments she could find, both useful and otherwise. With their parents out on a brief day trip, no one was around to coax them into pretending to be cordial with each other so early in the day. There was no audience to their show and so they remained mute.

They sat around the small table as quietly as possible and began to eat. Susan absentmindedly took off her slippers beneath the table and swung her legs casually as she gathered the courage to speak. There was a feeling growing inside her that made her feel like there was something she should say. There was a word hanging on the tip of her tongue that refused to drop. The precise moment she opened her mouth was when Lucy realized she had forgotten the marmalade, stood up too quickly and knocked over her glass of water.

The thoughts in Susan's mind shifted in a direction they never should have the moment cool water splashed on the tips of her toes. A tingle went down her spine as her body registered the feeling, a memory she should not have. Flashes of a beach, the water flowing and ebbing before her and a presence she missed greatly. The Susan who had sat down on that table would have brushed aside the feeling but the one who had opened her mouth just seconds before refused to back down. A face flashed in her mind and the name slipped from her lips before she could stop it.

"Caspian."

Three pairs of eyes turned to her, none of them interested in the empty glass that looked about to roll off the table any second. They heard Susan loud and clear but they could not believe it just the same. They waited for their sister to shake her head and pretend nothing happened but she sat there wide-eyed as if waiting for the man she called out for.

Susan heard herself and knew the shock she created around her but it mattered not to her as she searched her mind for an explanation. Why had she associated the incident, so trivial and mundane, to the man she had spent months trying to forget? Why had she not yet corrected her slip? And why does she feel like she's losing him a second time?

"Susan? Are you alright?" Peter said gently, placing a hand on Susan's shoulder

"No." Susan said in a hollow voice

"What's wrong then Su?" Edmund asked

Susan merely shook her head as the wheels continued to turn in her head. She pushed back her chair, scraping the floor beneath it, and moved to clean the spill. She wiped at the wet spot even after it was already dry, as if it held the answers she sought.

Lucy placed a hand on her sister's and stopped her from moving. Without words, the youngest in the family pleaded with Susan who gave in and sat down again with a rueful smile on her face.

"I'm sorry." Susan said softly

"For what?" Peter asked

"I just….I can't…I'm just sorry okay," Susan said haltingly before fleeing from the kitchen and running outside.

Susan sat on the stone bench just beneath the tall oak tree in their backyard, knees to her chest as she rocked back and forth struggling with her thoughts and memories. She closed her eyes willing it all to go away but at the same time needing an explanation about why she felt like those few drops of water unleashed a longing so great within her.

"The truth comes out eventually," Edmund said sitting on the grass beside the bench, "and though people assume that when the thorn is taken from your side you should be relieved, they forget that it's when the blood is allowed to gush out of the wound."

"How is that relevant Edmund?" Susan said deadpan

"You never forgot Susan," he replied bluntly, "and you never will be able to."

"It doesn't exist. It's was all just a game of pretend. He does not exist." Susan repeated the well rehearsed lie but knew no one who heard it, even her, believed it anymore

She sighed and faced her brother. "I will learn how to forget for real Ed, I have to. It's the only way I will survive this world." Susan said, a hint of desperation lacing her voice

"Even knowing the truth, that you love him?"

"Saying his name does not mean I love him." Susan retorted unwilling to say it a second time

"Then why bother? Isn't it easier to accept him as part of the past, a part of history than make up an elaborate scheme that you have to keep up with every single day?" Edmund challenged

"No. It's not easier. You don't know how much regret I have to live with inside for not taking the chance to stay, for not even asking Aslan, and for saying those words to him that it would not work. I started lying even before I got here and I don't know how to stop Edmund." Susan said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"You don't know how it is to wake up each day and know he doesn't exist in this world, that no matter how many corners I turn I won't find him here. You don't know what it feels like to lose something before you ever even had a chance to hold it in your arms and know for sure how right it would be. It's hard to live each day looking forward to the end of it, having the highlight of your day to be when you have to sleep because you're hoping that maybe in dreams you'll be with…." Susan frowned, her voice trailing off as something clicked in her mind. She could not place it but she felt bits and pieces flutter into place, the puzzle coming to life but not enough to clue her in completely.

Edmund noticed the change in his sister and turned to face her. He watched as Susan shook her head and frowned as if trying to make sense of things.

"Susan?" he said shaking her slightly

"Dreams…dreaming…dreams…"Susan said aloud ignoring Edmund

"Susan!" Edmund said loudly waking her from her stupor

"Oh!" Susan said snapping out of her trance and losing sight of the key that she held moments ago, "Look, Ed, just leave me alone for awhile. Just let me think. Please."

"Okay but chew on this too—forgetting Narnia and whoever we left behind isn't that simple. In the end, you're also choosing to forget your family and who you really are. Narnia is part of us Susan and the lies erase us from your life as well. Can you live with that? Can you live knowing that you're no longer the queen that Caspian fell in love with?"

Edmund stood up and walked away before Susan gave her whispered reply.

"No, I cannot."


Caspian was once again at the beginning of the end of the world. He faced the lady he had once told he would return for and he wondered why in the pit of his stomach he felt the weight of guilt. He looked around him and found nothing amiss. He knew this was right and this was where he should be but then why did he feel like he was breaking an oath?

"You are troubled, your majesty?" the lady inquired

"I am much anxious to return to Narnia." Caspian said by way of an excuse, unable to verbalize the feelings taking his insides for a spin

"Is that all, your majesty?" she pressed on gently

"Yes." Caspian replied simply

"Then, my king, what is preventing you from leaving post-haste?"

"There is something I must ask of you." Caspian said slowly, still unsure if he should proceed

"You wish to do something only a man with a free heart should make your majesty." Ramandu's daughter warned

"What do you mean my lady?" Caspian asked genuinely confused

"You must not let the question fall from your lips unless you are perfectly convinced of the future it will lead you to, not when there is still hope for what your heart sings for." Ramandu's daughter replied

The king remained silent trying to make sense of his emotions as he listened to her, as if something in his mind was trying to break free—a suppressed memory that was finding its way to the surface.

"Will you still ask what is in your mind if you find yourself in need of love only she can give? Will you still ask if I told you right now you can be the father of her children? Will you let the request leave your lips if in this moment she calls out for you to save her?"

Caspian opened his mouth to dispute the lady, intent on seeing things through, but his heart was flooded with emotion as his mind labeled the 'she' in question. Susan. He reeled from her statements, questions that struck a chord in him when they should have done nothing of the sort. His heart raced as it recognized the words but his brain was slower this time and it could not match things as he should have. Only flashes of a distant dream clouded his vision—a sunset, soft hair against his lips and a voice he longed to hear once more

The light touch of the lady on his arm woke him from his reverie, making him lose his train of thought and any hope of getting closer to the truth—at least for now.

"Do I even have a choice when you put it that way?" he said with an apologetic smile

"Hardly," she replied. She smiled at him sadly and looked wistfully at the Dawn Treader.

"Your ship is beautiful and I would have loved to have gone on it," she said softly, "I would have said yes and I will if you find the courage to ask, though I know you will not. When you turn your back on me, know this—our future is no longer bound but it is no guarantee for the happy ending you seek."

Caspian nodded and stood up to leave. "I apologize, my lady, for wasting your time; for sparing you from the request I originally intended to make. I leave you in peace and continue my voyage home. I pray someday we'll meet again and things will be different, maybe then I'll find the courage."

She watched from the shore as the Dawn Treader left and she sighed as it disappeared slowly in the distance.

"There is no someday for us Caspian. The only courage you'll need now is to trust your love for the queen or all will be lost and you would have doomed all three of us to a lifetime of loneliness. Let me be the only one with a broken heart in the end. Farewell, my love."