Note on the format: I know script-format stories are banned, but please bear with me. I think when this style was prohibited, it was more to do with MSN chat-format and not plays, which is an established form of fiction-writing. So please do not report this story as abuse for that reason. I know the rules and am just bending them.
Warnings: This is a parody, so expect OOC (Out of character)-ness and plot holes. Also, there are some slight crossover themes.
The staging: The staging of this play uses an Elizabethan style, Globe theatre type area. Here is the low-down of terms that need to be known to understand the staging of this play:
The LEFT and RIGHT DOORS are to the actors' left and right.
The CENTRE DOORS appear just beyond the curtains.
The BALCONY is an area above the stage that is separate from the main action below. People on the stage cannot be heard by people on the main stage but can still interact with them.
The RECESS is a trap-door style hole in the very centre of the stage. This is used for burial scenes or for characters appearing out of the ground.
Two PILLARS are shown in the bottom corners of the stage. Actors can hide behind the stage to hide from the other characters or to speak soliloquies (otherwise known as monologues).
The cast of characters
KIKYO, the protagonist of the play
INUYASHA, Kikyo's first love and Kagome's lover
KAEDE, Kikyo's sister
URASUE, a witch well-versed in black-magic
SHIPPO, a young fox-demon travelling with Inuyasha
NARAKU, a demon who was born from Onigumo and a multitude of minor demons
KAGOME, Kikyo's reincarnation
Yoko KURAMA, Fox-demon from Yu Yu Hakusho
Rumiko TAKAHASHI, manga artist who created Ranma ½ and InuYasha
NARUTO Uzumaki, a young shinobi from Naruto
SANGO, a demon slayer who cares for Miroku
Three KIKYO CLONES
KANNA, Naraku's minion who controls a soul-stealing mirror
KAGURA, Naraku's minion who controls a wind-summoning fan
The Excellent and Lamentable tragedy of Inuyasha and Kikyo
SCENE 1
Enter Inuyasha and Kikyo by the centre doors.
INUYASHA: I'll do it. I'll become human. For you, Kikyo.
KIKYO: Inuyasha…
All exit through the centre doors.
SCENE 2
Enter Inuyasha from the right doors bearing the Shikon Jewel.
INUYASHA: Finally a way to become full-demon at last!
Enter Kikyo through the left doors.
KIKYO: Die, Inuyasha!
Kikyo shoots an arrow at Inuyasha.
INUYASHA: Kikyo! I thought… we…
Inuyasha falls over. Kikyo walks a couple of steps, then collapses. Enter Kaede on the balcony.
KAEDE: This is the tragic tale of my sister Kikyo. Even after her death, she suffers in this world, where she is forced to wander the cold, hard earth until her purpose is fulfilled.
Enter Urasue by the centre doors.
URASUE: Get up, Kikyo! I'll resurrect you, then you can do my bidding.
Kikyo twitches and appears to come alive.
INUYASHA: Kikyo…
KIKYO: Inuyasha… my soul cannot rest until I see you dead!
Kikyo pushes Inuyasha away from her and exits through the left doors.
INUYASHA: Kikyo… why must it be this way? I never wanted it to be like this! Kikyo!
He chases her through the left doors. Enter Shippo through the right doors.
SHIPPO: Look! That two-timing Inuyasha keeps going after that stupid Kikyo! That means Kagome will never end up with Inuyasha. You guys! You have to throw tomatoes at Kikyo whenever you see her and call her a clay pot! Understood?
KAEDE: And so, Kikyo's troubles were not over yet.
All exit through the doors entered by.
SCENE 3
Enter Naraku through the recess.
NARAKU: Once I obtain all the Shikon Jewel shards, I shall rule the world! Ku ku ku… I am such a good villain…
Enter Kikyo through the centre doors.
NARAKU: Kikyo… Part of me still lusts for her… If I am capable of feelings of love, then I am not the perfect villain yet. Damn Kikyo!
KIKYO: I will never bow down to you, Naraku, or should I say, Onigumo?
NARAKU: Damn! Well, Kikyo, perhaps you'll change your mind in due time. No one loves you but Onigumo; you'll see that soon.
KIKYO: …
NARAKU: Are you thinking of Inuyasha? Ha, you're a fool. There is only one woman he wants.
KIKYO: Say what you will, Naraku! I know that I do not belong in this world so nothing you tell me shall hurt me!
NARAKU: Ku ku ku. We'll see about that.
Exit Naraku through the recess.
KIKYO: I shall defeat Naraku and avenge my own death. Hmm… I hear people coming.
Kikyo hides behind the pillar. Enter Inuyasha and Kagome through the right doors.
INUYASHA: Kagome, where are you going?
KAGOME: Home, of course! It's obvious you want Kikyo more than me!
INUYASHA: Kagome…
KAGOME: What?
INUYASHA: I want you to stay by my side.
KAGOME: Inuyasha…
They start kissing.
KIKYO: … Maybe what Naraku said was true.
Exit Kikyo through the left doors.
INUYASHA: Did you hear something?
KAGOME: It was nothing. Let's go.
Exit Inuyasha and Kagome by the right doors.
SCENE 4
Enter Kikyo through the right doors.
KIKYO: Kaede must still love me… Oh, who's this?
Enter Yoko Kurama by the centre doors.
KURAMA: Who are you?
KIKYO: I was going to ask you that.
KURAMA: My name is Yoko Kurama. You look like my love, Kagome.
KIKYO: Your love?
KURAMA: Yes. Kagome and I are meant for each other!
KIKYO: But don't you belong to the Yu Yu Hakusho universe?
KURAMA: Well, if love can transcend time, it can transcend anime. It's as simple as that.
KIKYO: Are you telling me Kagome's attractiveness is so potent, she can lure guys that aren't even in the same universe as she is in?
KURAMA: Pretty much.
KIKYO: But if she is my reincarnation, doesn't that mean I am as pretty or as ugly as she is?
KURAMA: No! Kagome is a thousand times more beautiful than you are because you are a stinking clay bitch who never dies.
KIKYO: Who wrote this script?
KURAMA: Your sister Kaede did.
KIKYO: Oh dear.
All exit through the doors of entry.
SCENE 5
Enter Kikyo through the left doors.
KIKYO: So I pray. Almighty Takahashi, please make me a more popular character in the series.
Enter Rumiko Takahashi on the balcony.
TAKAHASHI: Hear me, Kikyo. You are the third most popular character according to the polls taken in Japan.
KIKYO: Who are the first two?
TAKAHASHI: Inuyasha… and Kagome.
KIKYO: I should have guessed. Anyway, how can I get more popular among the Western viewers?
TAKAHASHI: Well, if I stop making Inuyasha and Naraku chase after you, as well as let you save a couple of lives, I'm sure your popularity shall increase in no time!
KIKYO: Yes, please do that. Thank you so much!
TAKAHASHI: You're welcome.
Exit Takahashi.
KIKYO: Hopefully, things will get better for me. I do hate it when I get bashed. I feel so unloved, as if nothing in life matters any more. Being unpopular… it's a terrible feeling. No one should ever experience it.
Enter Naruto Uzumaki through the right doors.
NARUTO: You're so right, Kikyo, believe it! People used to hate me for being the Nine-tailed fox's carrier, and I had no idea why.
KIKYO: It looks like we have something in common.
NARUTO: Yup! Believe it!
KIKYO: But you have plenty of friends now.
NARUTO: Oh, yeah, I do! Once I kicked some butt with my Shadow Clone Jutsu, everyone loved me!
KIKYO: Please teach me that move.
NARUTO: Sure! Come this way.
Exit Naruto and Kikyo through the right doors.
SCENE 6
Enter Sango through the centre doors.
SANGO: Where's Kikyo?
Enter Kikyo through the left doors.
SANGO: Ah, there she is! Kikyo!
KIKYO: Yes?
SANGO: Thank you for saving Miroku's life in the manga. I'm grateful.
KIKYO: Is that so? Well, it seems now is the time to unleash that special technique Naruto taught me. Shadow Clone Jutsu!
Enter three Kikyo clones by the recess.
SANGO: Whoa! Three more Kikyos!
KIKYO: Do you like the Jutsu?
Enter Shippo and Naraku through the right doors.
SHIPPO: Three more Kikyos! How can you manage three more Kikyos?
NARAKU: Let's bash them all!
Enter Kagura and Kanna through the centre doors.
KANNA: Shall we assist you, Naraku?
KAGURA: I've been wanting to try out my fan on that creepy bitch for a while.
NARAKU: Sure.
KIKYO: Sango? Will you help me out?
SANGO: Uh… I need to attend to Miroku. Bye!
Exit Sango through the left doors.
KIKYO: I thought I was popular. It seems I was wrong. Nobody does love me…
SHIPPO: Enough of the self-pity! Get her!
Kagura and Kanna brutally attack Kikyo and her clones.
KIKYO: There is no light for a loner who does not belong.
Enter Kaede on the balcony.
KAEDE: And that is Kikyo's afterlife. Do you see now what bashing can do, even to a fictitious character? Kikyo, my sister, suffers on.
Enter Inuyasha through the left doors.
INUYASHA: Kikyo! Get up! There are still people who love you! I love you! Please, Kikyo… Don't give up!
KIKYO: Just you holding me in your arms like this gives me hope, Inuyasha.
INUYASHA: Kikyo, I could not protect you. I promised I would, but I couldn't. How many times have I let you die, Kikyo?!
KIKYO: It does not matter, because now I have a fan. Thank… you… I…nu…ya…sha…
Dies.
INUYASHA: Kikyo? Kikyo!
KANNA: …
KAGURA: Why don't we ever bash Naraku like this? That poor Kikyo never deserved what happened to her.
SHIPPO: Yeah, let's bash Naraku now.
NARAKU: Help me, Kanna!
KANNA: I wish for you to be run over by a passing truck, master Naraku.
NARAKU: Ah, crap. What about my tragic life?
THE END