Fucking awesome. I'm leaving this God damn place. It sucks so much being at the hospital. But it's going to suck even more being home. I'd almost rather that they would dump me out of the car and leave me sitting on the side of the road. That way I could drag myself over to the middle of the road and lie there just so I'd get hit by the cars that'll drive by. I need a drink so bad. I need about 50 drinks so I'll die of alcohol poisoning. At least I'd be numb to the pain before I die. Everyone around me is all smiling and talking to me all happy and excited because I'm going home. They're all so stupid. How can they act like that? How can they see how fucking miserable I am and still act like that? I hate them. I hate myself more. I haven't cried since yesterday. I'm too pissed to cry. I don't want to just kill myself any more. I want them all to die as well. Just because they are all happy and acting like me going home is the greatest fucking thing ever. Can't they see that I'm in no mood for anything right now?

The fucking nurse actually smiled as she brought the wheelchair in here. I wanted to strangle her until that smile flew off of her face. I don't want a fucking wheelchair! I just want my leg to work. Fuck! God damn you fucking useless leg!

"Bam what are you doing?"

What the fuck do you think I'm doing, Missy? I'm hitting my leg! Maybe it'll jumpstart it or something. Fuck! Why am I doing this? Get away from me you fucking bitch! Just leave me alone! I'm going to keep hitting my leg as long as I want to.

"Ow! What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing! Don't push me away like that, Bam! I was trying to get you to stop hitting yourself, and don't roll your eyes at me!"

"Shut the fuck up!" I just hit my wife, didn't I? God I'm an even bigger fuck up than I thought I was.

"Don't you hit me again. Ever. Now you calm the hell down and let me help you in that wheelchair so we can go home."

"Leave. Me. Alone."

"Fine. If that's the way you want it."

She actually left. I really hate myself. I can already see how things are going to go at home. She's definitely going to leave me. The worst part is, I don't care if she does. Oh God there's the wheelchair. It's like it's staring at me. It's staring into my soul. Someone please take that out of this room. I can't stand to look at it. Am I crying? Shit… I don't want to do this. But I have to.

"Missy!"

I can't control my tears. Everything's blurry. Please make this stop. Is that Missy? I don't care.

"Shh babe." I'm just clinging to her. "Babe I know it hurts right now." She's rubbing my back now. "Please try to calm down. Everything will be alright. I promise. I know you can get through this. It'll take time though." I'm starting to calm down but I'm still crying. "But for right now can you please let me help you in the wheelchair? Please?"

What choice do I have? I just pulled away from her and let some more tears fall. Ok. Ok. I can do this. Get in the chair. It's just a regular chair. A chair that moves. Just like an office chair. But with bigger wheels. Ok here I go. Oh God I can't do this. Why does this have to be so hard? It's just a chair… No… it's just my leg… My God damn leg.

Oh… shit… my back hurts now. I didn't realize that would put so much strain on it. Ugh… I guess I'll have to get used to it. Watching Missy physically move my leg into place for me is so depressing.

"Missy…"

"Hmm?"

"Is there really a need for my shoes?" I sound so quiet and pitiful.

"What do you want me to do with them? Put them in your lap?"

I'm looking into my lap "No…" Man I sound so pathetic that I want to kick my own ass.

But I can't even kick any more. Well not with both legs. I can't believe how fast I went from being angry as hell to very depressed. I can't even lift my head as we're going through the hallway. I don't even care what this place looks like. Right now all I want… all I want is my bed. And maybe a drink. It's going to be one long car right home. The worst part about all this is I still can't remember exactly what happened to me. I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to remember. It's so frustrating. I'm too embarrassed to ask other people what happened. Maybe I just don't want to know that I somehow caused this to happen to me.

Ok here we are at the car. Shit this is going to be tricky isn't it? Alright let's get this over with. Great the door's open so… now what? You mean the only one I have here to help me into the car is Missy? Are you kidding me?

"How do you want me to do this, babe?"

"I don't know. Whatever." My depression has been replaced by frustration. Great. "Help me into the car then put the chair in the back." Should be that simple, right?

That was the hardest fucking thing ever. I feel exhausted. My back hurts all over again. Missy just said I look "flushed". Why did that have to be so hard? Just get me home so I can go to bed. This is all too much for me.

Well here we go. I'm just trying to keep my focus on the window next to me. Not really looking at anything outside but I don't want to look at Missy. I don't know why either. Man she's talking non-stop. And I don't have any music to drown her out with. I never realized before how much Missy actually talks. The hell is she even saying? It's so hard to tune her out even with my ADD. How did I manage before and why does this time seem so different? Oh my God just shut up already! God damn. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth makes me even angrier than the last.

"… and you know I just realized?" Whatever. I don't care. "With all the stairs in the house we really should have ramps put in for your wheelchair."

Ramps?How dare she bring up ramps right now? That's the first time I ever despised that word. What a fucking bitch! I hate her so much. Just rub this in my face why don't you! She's yelling at me now. As if she has a reason to be mad at me. She's the one who had to bring up putting ramps in the house!

"Pull the fuck over right now!"

"Pull over? What are you gonna do?"

"Just pull the fuck over now!"

I want to hit her. But I already hit her once today. Why does she have to piss me off? Why did I start bitching at her over something like this? God fucking damn it! I'm so fucking pissed that I can't think straight.

"There I pulled over. Now what, Bam?"

"I'm getting the hell away from you!"

Alright. Suit yourself."

I hate her so much. I gotta get away from her so I can clear my head. Oh shit…

"What's the matter, Bam? I thought you were leaving."

Oh shit… I'm such a fucking idiot. I feel like ripping my hair out right now.

"AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!" I hate myself. "FUCK!!!!!!!!"

I don't think I ever screamed so loud in my life. What's the matter with me? I seriously want to kill myself right now. Even more than I did yesterday. Missy's just sitting there. I have my back to her but I feel her staring at me.

"Are you planning on shutting the door?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!"

The one time I wanted to leave more than I ever had before… and I can't. What am I supposed to do? Crawl along the side of the road? God why me? I never hated myself more than I do now. It just hurts so much. I can't take this. I can't. My stomach hurts. I can hardly breathe. My throat hurts from screaming so loud. I don't think I've ever cried this hard in my life. I want to die. Missy's still sitting thee. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to kill the entire world. As soon as we get home I'm going to kill myself. I really mean that now. I just can't go on like this. Why is Missy still just sitting there? Maybe she hates me. I don't blame her. This is seriously the lowest point in my life. I just want it all to end. I wish I had a gun. I guess I'll have to settle for hanging myself. I can figure out a way to do that while sitting down. There's no way I'm going to get through this. Might as well end it all while I realize this. Otherwise I'll just continue to live this way. I can't allow myself to suffer like this for the rest of my life. I wasn't going to live long any way. Everyone else will understand. No one needs me around any more. Especially since I'm completely useless right now. Stuck in a God damn wheelchair. Complete emotional mess. I'll actually be doing everyone a favor by killing myself. That way they won't have to go through the burden of having to take care of me. They won't have to see me like this anymore. I need a drink so bad. Maybe I could just swallow a bunch of stuff. Pills or something. I think we have drain cleaner in the bathroom. I just don't want to live anymore. Why should I? There's no point.

Are we home ye? I think I'm starting to calm down. I still feel terrible. I'm still going to kill myself when we get home. Missy won't stop me. This car seems to be moving extremely slow. I gotta get out of here. I can't breathe. Oh God I can't breathe. My chest hurts. Did Missy stop the car again? Wait. Did she even start driving? I have no idea what's going on right now. What's around me? Oh shit what's that around me? Help! Get it off! Oh shit… oh… that's only Missy's arms. Ok. Ok. Starting to breathe normally now. Calming down. Oh shit. Oh wow. I never felt something like that before. And I never will again. She just kissed my head. Why would she do that? Why would she try to help me feel better? I feel like I need to lie down.

I think the car is moving again. Still seems really slow. Probably just the traffic. I need to get home. Can't be too far from home now. Where are we? Ok yeah I know where we are. Not far at all from home. I'll just close my eyes and relax until we get home.

I must have started to fall asleep because we're home already. Time went by real fast. What's Missy doing? She always takes forever to do anything. How long does it take to get a wheelchair out of the back of the car? God damn. Oh there she is. The fuck took so long? Whatever. Let's get this over with so I can kill myself. I'm in the chair now let me go inside by myself. Why does this chair have to be so hard to move? There it goes.

"Take me upstairs."

"Ok hold on."

Stairs. So many damn stairs. Why the fuck did I have to buy this house out of all the houses I looked at? Great we're finally at the top. The bathroom is just over there. I'm actually doing this. I'm in the bathroom now. Ok now what do I take? There's all kinds of pills in here. I can't reach them. Damn it. I'll just use something to knock the bottles down. Ahh my shoe will work. Let me just bed down and take my shoe off. Man…. I can't reach. No here we go. I'm stupid. I can bend my left leg. Ok got my shoe off. Yes! It worked. Now I just have to open a bottle and swallow the pills.

"Bam! What are you doing?"

Shit. She's yelling at me now. Don't take the pills from me! I need them stupid bitch. She's never yelled at me like this before. Oh man… I thought I was done crying in the car. Is she hugging me? She is. I can't do this now. I'm too exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm just going to go to bed.