Most of my treasured possessions are photographs and concert tickets; material versions of memories. I held onto those like my life depended on it. It is not easy to accept that I simply don't have them now.
They're all in my apartment, back in London. In a big, heart shaped box I kept under the bed.
I haven't stayed in this house for more than two weeks for about 6, 7 years. I did not keep my most treasured possessions here; I kept it in the place I lived in, not my childhood home. I should thank my lucky stars I did not bring them all with me when I left. I at least have something. And that one photo, of James and me, it's not the only one. I would send a few photos to Maggie, every now and then, and she found a place for them. In the living room, in her own room or on my big "memory wall".
Yes, most of it is gone and out of my reach, but I at least have something.
When looking at these things, you can't help but laugh. Especially at the Daisy Dukes I thought were a good choice when I was 16. No wonder Hershel thought I was an antichrist. Thank God I got into my dark faze fast after that photo was taken.
Maggie and I, sitting on Dad's old truck. I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure we stole it that day.
It was always the two of us. I was the lead troublemaker, with Maggie following my every move. We caused Hershel a lot of headaches, but we had fun. Damn, did we have fun! Everyone in school knew of the Greene sisters. We weren't the IT group or anything like that. It's hard to have an IT group in rural Georgia. We were simply known as those chicks that smoke, steal their Daddy's car and listen to good music. And frankly, that was a reputation I could live with.
I never got to do anything like that with Beth, and that's something that still troubles me.
Maggie and I are only two years apart, while I was eight when Beth was born. She was only 10 when I left home, and by the time she entered troublemaking age, I was being a grown up on another continent. The two of us completely missed each other. Maggie and I were a dream team. We still are. But I kind of wish Beth was in it to. Especially because she and Maggie have this amazing connection, and I'm the one whose left hanging when it comes to Beth.
That has to be the only thing I regret about the whole leaving situation. I never got to be her sister.
Not to mention that her earliest memories of me probably involve Hershel and me screaming at each other, and me being, well, mean to her Mom. I'm lucky Annette's such a good person. I'm also lucky I didn't get a chance to burn that bridge all the way down; it was easier to start building it again.
I burst out laughing when I bump into one Halloween photo: Shawn went as Waldo, Maggie went as Lara Croft and I went as Madonna; 80's Madonna. I can't tell if it's funny or if it's tragic.
James and I, drunk out of our minds, in Barcelona, two years ago.
Beth and I, sitting on the porch. She looks about three years old, and I'm in my pre-teen faze.
Beth, Shawn, Maggie and I, group photo, with the house behind us. Judging by the look on my face, I'd say that it was taken around the time I hit puberty.
Maggie and I in Atlanta, last year, her 21st birthday. Good God, I thought we were gonna die that night.
James, Annette, Dad and I, in the living room, about three years ago. That one was taken just a few days after they met him for the first time. First man I ever brought back home to meet "The Hershel".
I'm glad I can look at these photos and smile. It still hurts, it hurts like hell, but I'd much rather remember things the way they used to be before shit hit the fan.
The feeling of emptiness is still there, unfortunately. I'm guessing it'll be there for a long, long time.
It could not get better than James. He was it. I know it, I knew it when I said yes to his proposal, I know it now, I feel it in my bones. There's no chance it could ever get better with anyone else. It could never be as good as it was with him. That guy made me who I am. He shaped me in more ways than he ever knew. Even if the world suddenly becomes the place it used to be, James would still be the champion.
There's one good side to this all. I don't have to move on. I just don't. There's no pressure, nor will there be. I'm on my own, and that's just the way it is now. There'll be no biological clock worries, Tinder dates or rebounds. This is just the way things will be from now on. I won't have to go through any sort of transition. In all honesty, my days are probably still counted.
And I'm okay with that. Of course, I know that I probably shouldn't be okay with that, but I am. That's the way my life will be now: pretty empty. It sucks, but I'll live.
That's the point. I'll live. Maybe not long, but at least for a little while.
Last night, I thought about suicide. I thought about killing myself. I thought about it for 30 seconds.
One, I'd kill my Dad. In killing myself, I'd kill him too. Hershel and I may have a rough history, but I'm his daughter. If I was to kill myself, I don't know what he'd do. I'm not even gonna mention Maggie. I could probably kill her too, if I was to do that. Second of all, that's not my thing. It's really not. I'm not the type who gives up easily, no matter how difficult the obstacle might be. I'll analyze the shit out of it and try every possible way to overcome it, before I even think of giving up. And last, but definitely not least, James is dead. And he died trying to get me here. His last words were, quite literally, an order for me to get to the farm. Right now, his death doesn't have much meaning. It's a death that never should have happened. But if I was to end my life, it would all be in vain. And I can't do to him. I can't just spit and kick the memory of him. It took me less than 30 seconds to realize that that will never be an option.
Realistically speaking, I only have one real option. I have to keep swimming. It will not be easy. It will take me a lot of time, and I'm guessing that the emptiness will follow me until my dying day, but I'll do it. I'll do my best to keep on swimming. Even if the water scares the shit out of me right now.
So I get up. I get out of my bed, I put the photos away or back on the wall, I get dressed and I start my day. I swim.
As soon as I walk downstairs, I hear voices. I smile, knowing one of them belongs to Beth. Dad and Maggie were the only ones that visited me. I haven't seen Beth, not since the moment I got here, when she was the first one to see me and alerted the rest of the family. And we didn't talk much then.
By pure reflex, I skip the second to last stair. That is the one that makes a creek, and basically warns the whole house that someone is coming down or up the stairs. When I was sneaking out, whether with Maggie or by myself, I would always skip that one, knowing that it would undoubtedly wake up Dad or someone else in the house. I guess I just got used to skipping it. And no matter how much time I spend away from home, skipping that one step is a natural reaction I will always remember instantly.
I walk over to the living room, where I see Beth, her back turned to me, talking to a guy I've never seen before. He sees me in front of the room, and Beth noticed that something drew his attention from her. When she turns around, her eyes go wide. Even though she already knew I was back home.
"Hi." I say with a small smile and a pathetic wave. What do you say to your sister just days after you probably scared her to death, screaming and yelling? Beth's not like Maggie; Maggie got a chance to see me in every possible situation. She had the front row seat. Drunk, angry, happy, sad, total nervous breakdown; Maggie has seen it all. I can't say the same for Beth. I start to get nervous when she doesn't make a move, or say anything. She just stares at me. But then, she starts walking towards me, and she pulls me in for a hug. A much stronger hug than I expected from a gentle, tiny creature like she is.
"I'm so sorry. James was a great guy." She whispers as she hugs me. I hug her back with all the strength I have in me. How did it get to this? When did she grow up? She may be young, but she sure as hell isn't a kid anymore. I'll never get over the fact that I wasn't there for her. I'll always resent myself for not being the big sister she deserved. At least she had Maggie; Maggie is a much better older sister than I am.
"Thank you, Beth. It means a lot. He adored you." I mumble as she pulls away. James loved my entire family; he just jumped right in the whole picture. He actually fitted in that picture better than I ever did. It didn't make any sense to me; they had absolutely nothing in common. I never thought it would be rough and difficult, but even with just two visits under our belt; he really was a part of the family.
"Quinn, this is Jimmy." She tells me, nodding at the boy behind us." He is my boyfriend. He's been staying with us since it all started. Jimmy, this is Quinn. My older sister; you know all about her."
"It's nice to meet you Jimmy." I tell him as I shake his hand." I genuinely hope you don't know all about me." I add and as soon as both Beth and Jimmy start laughing, I know that he's heard more than enough. To be fair, I was the one who brought all the fun to the dinner table.
"Why are you up on your feet?" Beth asks me, looking worried." Daddy said you needed rest."
"And he's probably right, but I'm hardly running track, am I? I think I can rest just as good in the living room." I say as I take a seat on the couch. Beth sits next to me, and Jimmy takes the armchair." Besides, I don't like being on my own. Not after everything that's happened. I prefer to have some company."
"What's it like out there?" Jimmy asks me and I notice Beth giving him an angry look. It's not like he asked me to go into fine detail. The boy meant no harm, but he should have a bit more tact.
"It's rough." I tell him. That's all I say on it, if I have a say in it at all. Beth might have just grown up while I was away, but she's not ready to know this. And even if she was, I'm not ready to say it to her. I feel bad enough; I don't want to be the one that destroys her hope. I don't need to discuss this with her in order to know that she shares Dad's opinion. The two of them are too similar too each other; she is his daughter through and through. Maggie can go "Hershel" at times, but she's an individual. And I am just a piece of work. The regular black sheep of the family. Well, at least they still love me.
"Do you want me to make you something to eat? Do you need a pillow?" Beth asks and I start laughing.
"Betty, I'm okay." I say with a smile." You can relax. Actually, do we have any coffee?" I ask her.
"No, no, no, I'll get it for you." She says as she pushes me back on the couch I laugh as she runs to the kitchen. Jimmy and I share a look and we both shake our heads. She may be Hershel's daughter through and through, but she got that caring personality directly from Annette." Milk and sugar both, right?"
"If we have any, yeah." I yell back at her. Jesus! Coffee, milk, sugar? And just days ago, James and I were trying to ration a bottle of water. It's almost as if this farm is a whole different world, a world on its own. It's easier to forget it here; how bad it can get out there. Luckily, I have a very vivid image scared in my brain. There really is no need to worry about me forgetting how ugly it can get.
"Here you go." She tells me as she hands me my coffee; in my favorite, gigantic blue mug too.
"Thank you, honey." I say. I take one sip before getting up on my feet. Beth jumps up as soon as I do.
"Stay here, I'll get them for you." She says, and before I could stop her, she runs straight to the stairs.
"Where'd she go?" Jimmy asks me, looking just about as confused as I imagine I look.
"If she went to go and get what I think, then she's either a mind reader or she knows me better than I think she does." I mumble. And second later, Beth runs back down the stairs, handing me my Lucky's. She really can read minds.
"Where is everyone else?" I ask her and she smiles at me.
"It's just us now. Maggie went to town and the rest are working." She tells me.
"I'm sorry; did you just say Maggie went to town?" I ask and she nods. Just like that, just like it was a regular Sunday." Is that safe?"
"Yeah, she's been before." Beth nods, smiling." It's empty, that's true, but she says it's safe."
"What Maggie says or thinks might not be the real situation." I mumble. I'll have to talk to her about that when she comes back. Going away from the farm should be done only if it's completely necessary; only if it's a life or death situation.
"Dad wouldn't let her go if it wasn't safe." Beth tells me.
"Yeah, well, I'm not sure if Dad knows what's safe or not."
"Beth, have you seen… Quinn?" Patricia asks in complete surprise when she walks in the room and sees me sitting with Beth and Jimmy. She smiles and rushes towards me." Ugh, it's so good to see you."
"I know." I say and she starts laughing." I've missed you. It sure feels good to be back."
"It's nice to see you're back up on your feet, but Hershel said you need rest." She tells me as she pulls away. Bam. It takes Patricia ten seconds to jump back into mom mode. Or aunt mode, at least.
"I'm resting. I'm just sitting on a couch, drinking coffee, catching up with you. It's not that physically challenging." I grin. They all worry too much. If I feel bad, or dizzy or anything similar, I'll rest.
"I know, but there's a reason Hershel wants you to rest in your bed." Patricia tells me.
"Yes, and I am old enough to know that I feel well enough to leave my room. I wasn't injured; I had a traumatic experience. And being bedridden can't really fix one of those."
"Quinn, Hershel knows what he's talking about. If he says you're bedridden, you're bedridden."
"Hershel is a vet. Not a doctor. And one more time, I'm not injured. I'm also not a kid, so you can't really tell me what to do. Now, that's all I'll say on the subject. If Hershel has a complaint, he can discuss it with me, and I'll explain it to him too. You can get pissed off and run off and tell him I'm not following his instructions, or you can sit down and talk to me, which is a version I prefer, because I really did miss my family, and I really am happy to be back. So what are we gonna do?" I ask her.
"Fine." Patricia says after staring at me for a few seconds." You can stay here. But I can't; I have work to do. We will catch up later, okay? It's nice to have you back, even if you're still as rebellious as ever."
"Oh, I'm not rebellious. I just don't want to be stuck in my room." I tell her with a shrug. She laughs.
"Yup. Same as ever. I'll see you three later on. And sit back down, please. At least just sit." She warns me, and I throw my hands up in the air as I theatrically sit back down. She walks away, shaking her head.
For about half an hour, I sit and talk to Beth and Jimmy. Apparently, the two of them have been dating for about two months when it all started. That's why I didn't know about him; he was so knew, Beth didn't even have the time to tell me about him. It's either that, or she didn't think he's important enough for her to tell me about him. And I'm not sure which of the two is worse.
Sure, it's nice to have someone with you through it all, but two months? If this all happened when James and I were together for just two months, I don't know if we'd handle one day before going or separate ways. Or we'd lose our minds while trying to stick together. Of course here, on the farm, it's different. It's safe. They simply had to spend all of their time together; that's the only real change.
"I told you to rest." Hershel says as soon as he marches in the house.
"Dad, I'm okay. I mean it, I feel fine." I say, trying to hold back my natural response, which was to get in a fight with him. That's what I always did, that's how the two of us would work. He would try to make me see it his way; I never wanted to see things his way, and in about ten seconds, BOOM. I really was holding back now. I'm not a kid anymore. And maybe, just maybe, if I don't act like a kid, he'll realize it too, and just maybe, he'll stop treating me like one. I'm trying really hard to be mature here.
"It doesn't matter. You need to take it easy for a couple of days." He tells me, persistent as ever.
"I am taking it easy. I'm just sitting and talking. I'm not running around the place. I'm taking it easy. I feel okay. I'm healthy and I don't want to be stuck up in my room. Relax, Dad. I'm okay. Relax and let me do something nice. A lot of bad things happened lately, and I'm happy that I'm with all of you now. Let me make lunch. Annette and Patricia can help, so I won't tire myself even more."
"Annette is busy. And so is Patricia." He tells me.
"Fine, I'll do it myself. It's no problem at all." I tell him.
"No. We all have better things to do."
"Then let me help. Let me help out. Where is everyone? Otis? Annette? Shawn?"
"Mom is in the barn." Beth says behind me.
"I can help in the barn." I say with a shrug.
"Quinn, you can't." Dad tells me. I turn to look at Beth, to see if she'll stick up for me, but she, incredibly obviously, looks away. As does Jimmy. Patricia doesn't, but she's not helping me either.
"Dad, what's going on? Where's everyone?"
"Otis is hunting, Maggie has gone to town and Annette and Shawn are in the barn." He tells me.
"They're in the barn?"
"Yes." He tells me. Now, Hershel and I don't have some sort of special connection. We had our fights, a lot of them. It was not always easy. In fact, it was incredibly difficult. But he's my Dad. And bottom line, I love him. I love him despite of everything. It was partially my fault, after all. I still love him and I know him. I know he wouldn't lie to me, just as I know that he definitely would keep things from me.
"So, if I go now to the barn, I'll see them. Maybe help them?" I ask as I start to walk to the door.
"Quinn, no!" Dad snaps at me, and I turn around.
"Dad, are Annette and Shawn dead?"
I didn't need an answer. I could see it on his face. I could see it on Patricia. Hell, I could hear Beth sobbing. It looks as if the whole world stopped, for good.
"They're one of those things, aren't they?" I ask, and when Hershel doesn't say anything, I know I'm right. It felt as if an invisible fist just punched the air out of my stomach." And you're…. You're keeping them in the barn?" I mumble, still trying really hard to control my reactions.
"Quinn, they are sick. And we will keep them alive until they find a cure." Dad tells me.
Oh God. Oh dear God. He thinks… they all think… and Annette and Shawn… in the barn? It's not safe. The farm is not safe. I won't freak out. I won't freak out. I won't freak out because if I freak out, I'll throw away any progress I made with him. Not that I made any progress at all. Despite everything I told him, despite everything he's seen, he still thinks there's a cure. And the whole family agrees.
Now I at least understand why. Annette and Shawn. If they believe that there's no cure, they'll have to accept the fact that Annette and Shawn are dead. They'll have to accept and morn and move on. I can't really blame them for choosing a pipe dream.
Still, it's a pipe dream. They're not gonna get any better. They are dead. They are gone.
"What are you doing?" Patricia asks me as I walk past them to get to the kitchen. I turn on the water heater and grab a mug from the cabinet.
"Quinn?" Dad asks me.
"I'm making tea." I mumble in response. That minute it took for the water to boil seemed like the longest minute of my life. But it boiled. With my green tea in hand, I walk back, ignoring their worried looks." I'll be in my room. I need some time. Please, don't come." I mumble as I walk back upstairs.
Instead of walking in my own room, I walk into Maggie's. I kneel by her bed and but my hand under it, feeling up the boards, knowing this was her stash hiding place. I find a small bottle, pull it out, and see that it's vodka. With Hershel's "no alcohol in the house" policy, we kids had to find our own ways.
Sadly, a stash of vodka reminds me of the time when Shawn, Maggie and I would sneak out to the barn, of all places, and have a quiet drink. Or two. Or three.
Just when I thought I knew how grief works.
Well, I guess I don't know shit about anything.
Hey guys, here's chapter two! I hope you like it! I will be updating later on this week, probably Saturday or Sunday. Please, tell me what you think. I'd like to know your thoughts, ideas and even some criticism; it's all welcomed! Hope you enjoy what I'm doing with this story so far! :)