There were so many questions that Derek wanted to ask, even though he knew he had no right to ask them. Six years was a long time, and he was well aware that he had missed out on so much. How does he even begin to apologise for walking away, for abandoning them, especially her, and how does he ask for forgiveness when he knows that it was only fear that kept him away for so long.
Penelope knew he was in the building, Aaron had warned her that morning before she came to the office. She knew that he was hoping to slip back into the team, and though she knew that her friends were guarded, they would eventually welcome him back in the fold. When JJ had seen him, she immediately headed for Penelope's bunker.
"Pen?" JJ
hesitated by the door. Penelope looked up and gave her a friend a
small smile.
"It's okay Jayje, I've been pre warned. I have
no intention of stepping out of my office the whole day for that very
reason." She stated.
"Not even to use the bathroom," Emily
teased as she came in sitting herself on Penelope's couch.
"Well,
maybe that. I know it seems like I'm hiding, but I just can't see
him. Not right now, not after everything you know?" The girls
nodded in understanding. After all they had been the ones who rallied
around her after he left. They had picked up the pieces of the road
kill he left behind. She had come a long way, and she refused to let
him sabotage whatever resolve she'd managed to have.
Derek settled back into his old desk, he could sense that Reid was watching him, assessing him, ever the profiler. He noticed that Emily and JJ were no where in sight, guessing that they were in a certain Tech Analyst's office.
"Hey
Em, Reid, how are you guys?"
"Michael hi!" Em greeted
warmly as Reid looked up and waved. Michael turned to Derek,
"You
must be Agent Morgan,"
"Derek,"
"Michael, nice to meet
you." Michael said pleasantly as he shook Derek's hand.
"She's
just in a meeting with Hotch, but you're welcome to hang here or at
her lair." JJ said coming down the stairs giving Michael a quick
hug.
"Thanks Jayje, I might wait in her office. I got a missed
call from Gabe's school, I should check in, he hasn't been
feeling well but they had an excursion to the Chocolate Factory, and
he was determined not to miss it." Derek's ears peaked
recognising the name, his head whirled with possibilities. JJ and
Emily laughed
"That's only understandable."
"Spoken
like his chocolate dependent Godmothers." He teased before heading
to Penelope's office. Emily, JJ and Reid knew there were questions
flying around in Derek's mind, and it wasn't their place to
provide the answers. JJ headed back to her office, while Emily
mumbled something about finding a file, leaving Reid staring at the
file on his desk, not daring to lift his gaze.
From the looks of things, Michael didn't work in the FBI building. He was sporting around a visitor's pass. Derek had wondered if he was the father of the child he knew Penelope had. He could tell that JJ, Emily and Reid knew him well, and that he had transitioned into their tight knit group. He wasn't at all threatened by Derek which was a first, and that intrigued him. It was as though he knew his place in her life, and that nothing threatened that knowledge. Derek envied that. Once upon a time he held that place in her life.
"So
he's back for good?" Hotch nodded.
"Well, it had to happen
eventually right?" Penelope muttered beneath her breath
"I'll
be fine Hotch, I promise. I will not let him dictate my life. He may
be back, but nothing has changed."
"You can allow yourself to
feel Pen." He said gently.
"I know, I'm just not ready
Aaron. It still hurts too much, and seeing him brings it all back. I
would quit, but I doubt you'd let me."
"You got that
right." Penelope smiled. Before she could say anything further a
knock on the door interrupted them,
"Hey guys, sorry to
interrupt but Pen Gabe's school called. He threw up on the bus on
the way home from the excursion, so I'm going to go pick him up. We
can swing by and get you on the way home from school. I just didn't
want to leave without letting you know." Penelope jumped to her
feet.
"Hotch,"
"Go, call and let me know how he is, I'm
sure it's just the bug that's going around. Jack had it a couple
of weeks ago."
"I will thanks Aaron."
Derek watched worriedly as Penelope and Michael rushed out of the bullpen minutes after Pen emerged from Hotch's office. He watched as Michael draped an arm around her as they waited for the lift. Penelope leaned into his embrace resting her head on his shoulder. Reid who was still observing Morgan could see his face transform from emotion to emotion and did not envy his situation.
JJ and Reid had left for the day leaving Derek and Emily in the bullpen as she waited for Hotch to finish. She could tell he was dying to ask her.
"She
met Michael where she counsels murder victims about six years ago.
He's the director of the programme. They've been the best of
friends since. Michael came at a time where she needed a friend, and
he was there for her in every essence of the word, not expecting
anything, but just loving her because he thought she needed it.
Though she knew she had us, she needed someone outside our tightly
knit family. Someone who wasn't so close to the pain she felt. He
was perfect. He calls her on things when she's being unreasonable,
and challenges her when she needs to be challenged. Like coming into
work today when she knew you were going to be here." She added.
"She didn't want to come in because of me?"
"Can you
blame her? But Michael talked her through it, drove her to work and
vowed to pick her up, promised to be on call any time of day to pick
her up should she need to leave early. More than just being there for
her, to cater to her every need, he loves her deeply. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for her. We knew from the start, he would
never hurt her."
"Is she happy?" he asked,
"As happy
as I have seen her in a really long time. I know you're feeling a
little alienated right now Derek, but you have to give the rest of us
a chance to get used to having you around again. You didn't just
hurt Pen when you left."
"I know Em, and I'm sorry." He
said genuinely meeting her gaze. She gave him a small smile and
patted his hand before making her way up to Hotch's office.
Penelope looked out her kitchen window and sighed. For the second time in two days, there he sat on her apartment building's porch step as though contemplating his next move.
"You
know I'm pretty sure there are anti stalking laws in place."
Derek looked up surprised as she sat down beside him.
"You left
rather abruptly, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Penelope let our a deep breath. She had guessed that he had realised
she had a son when he knocked on the door yesterday.
"Yeah, my
son got sick on the way home from his school excursion. I knew I
shouldn't have sent him, he wasn't looking that great this
morning, but he gave me that puppy dog face and I was a goner, as
always. Kid knows which buttons to push, much like his father." She
added with a small smile on her face.
"What's he like?"
Derek asked in genuine interest, happy to have her sitting beside
him, talking.
"He's amazing, he's the love of my life. He's
crazy smart, gives Uncle Reid a run for his money, completely loving
and extremely protective. He has all of his Aunts and Uncles crazy
for him." Derek watched as her face lit up as she talked about her
son.
"He sounds like a great kid."
"He is, I got lucky."
"I'm sure having you as a mother has more to do with it than
luck P."
"Thanks.
Derek, I realise that you and I have to learn to co-exist. I may not
like it, and I am still furious at you, but I can't hate you, which
is a shame for me because I would really like to. However, Hotch
tells me you're here to stay, and I guess I have to learn to live
with that. If you're here to stay you're going to find out
anyway, so there's something you have to know,"
"What P?"
"Come with me," Doing as he was told Derek followed Penelope
into her apartment.
"He's at work," she answered his
unspoken question, to which he nodded. Penelope led him to the guest
bedroom, which was now clearly her son's room. Derek gasped,
realising what she was trying to tell him
"P, he's mine?"
The moment they landed from Chicago, he got on his bike and drove to her house. His team watched knowingly. There was only one place he would go. Only one person who was willing to see. She had been waiting for him, knowing that he would come. The moment she opened the door he pulled her into his arms. His mouth immediately finding hers, surprised it took a moment for her brain to kick in, and when it did she felt her body give into his despite how loudly her mind screamed to stop. She knew that there would be regrets, but she couldn't deny him. If she were honest with herself, she wanted him as much as he seemingly wanted her. She knew that he was trying to hard to forget the very memories he had succeeded in burying for all those years, and now they had resurfaced and he needed the pain to go away. She led him to her bedroom despite her better judgement and there he was able to forget, if only for a few moments.
What saddened her was that she was not at all surprised to find him gone the next day. What did surprise her was that come Monday morning, Hotch had announced he had handed in his resignation. When she came to his apartment, his clothes were gone. Everything else was left behind, as though he left everything that held a sentimental significance. Photos aside from those of his family remained. Knick knacks collected over a time all left abandoned.
It broke her heart, that she like the items he left, was abandoned as though she didn't matter.
Derek's eyes filled with tears as he looked at her. Understanding completely the anger that she felt the moment she saw him.
"P,
I am so sorry."
"For what it's worth, I know that, but it
doesn't change anything. I wanted it to come from me, because
you'll figure it out eventually. He knows about you," Penelope
pointed to the picture of Derek by their son's bedside table, next
to that frame was a photo of Pen and Gabriel, and another of Pen,
Gabriel and Michael. When he looked around the room he saw that it
was surrounded by photos of their BAU family. There was even a photo
of Gabriel with his Mother.
"When I called you at your mother's
that's what that was about." Derek flinched, he had been avoiding
all their calls.
"Your Mom, by instinct knew something was up.
So I told her, I made her promise not to tell you. I told her that
when the time comes, you'll know. So she checks in regularly, talks
to him on the phone, she's Gammie Fan. She comes and visits every
few months." She could see his mind run a hundred miles an hour,
"This doesn't change anything Derek. We can't be friends,
and I don't want to be, I just wanted you to hear it from me that
he's yours and if you want to get to know him, you can. That door
will always be open to you." Derek could only nod as it all began
to sink in.
So I caved, Gabriel's his….
