The fanfic that pushes the boundaries of everything the Author knows about Anime, Manga, Fanfiction and Real Life...
Konata Izumi's Big Bite (or Big Bite for short)
02: Alien Café
A Team PikaFlash Fanfic, working on Fanfics for 10 Years
Disclaimers: All character(s) and series belong to their respective owner(s)...
[Class 3-B, Ryouou High School, 8:14 am]
Kuroi-Sensei looked at the class. "Looks like only Shiraishi and Izumi aren't here yet..."
Suddenly, Konata bursts into the classroom. "Sensei, you won't be able to believe my tale! Two nights ago, I was abducted by Aliens in Yui-Neesan's car! Luckily for me, they didn't do any of those experiments you hear about from stories because the Aliens were using the car for their tests so I pretty much hanging around the whole time up there..."
Kuroi-Sensei is not impressed. "That still doesn't explain why you're late."
"Here's the thing. You know how when you are on those Spaceships, months pass in Space while back here on Earth, almost no time passed at all? It was like that, except the Aliens were wrong by 1 day and 15 minutes. That is why I'm late."
"If that's what really happened to you, what happened to your cousin's car?"
[Grassy knoll, 8:23 am]
Meanwhile, a familiar Blue Subaru belonging to a Saitama Traffic Cop has been found on a grassy knoll by a group of scientists. The scientists are investigating the car with various devices.
The Lead Scientist pulls out his MP3 Recorder. "There's no sign of the driver and the car is emitting Level 1 Radiation. I believe that this is another alien abduction and we finally have found some physical evidence. The Truth is Out There and alien life will soon be known to man..."
A van suddenly arrives at the grassy knoll and a group of JDF soldiers jumped out and the soldiers quickly point their guns at the scientists.
The commanding officer, JDF Colonel Mustang exits of the van. "Alright, get this car to the Ryouou Base. As for the scientists, take them out to the behind those trees and shoot them! We don't want any witnesses!"
The scientists are forcefully pushed towards the trees to be executed by the soldiers...
Back in Class 3-B, Kuroi-sensei couldn't be bothered asking for more details. She sends Konata to her seat as Kuroi-sensei looks at her list.
"That leaves Shiraishi. I wonder where he is right now instead of coming to class."
[Kyoto Animation HQ, 8:33 am]
An extremely bored Akira Kogami is sitting in a waiting room when her cell phone rings.
"Hello, this is Akira Kogami's phone."
[The Middle of Nowhere, 8:35 am]
Minoru is in the middle of nowhere making a call on his cell phone.
"Akira? Don't say anything and listen to me. Last night, I was abducted by some aliens and its best if you don't know what they did to me. The worst thing is that they dumped me in the middle of nowhere! I can't even find a single landmark to tell where I am! I need your help, Akira! Get someone to trace this call or call the authorities and maybe send a helicopter this way because I am in serious need of help!"
Unfortunately for Minoru, he has a bad reception so Akira has no idea who is speaking. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're breaking up! It must be a bad reception at your end."
"It's me, Shiraishi!" Minoru checks his phone. "Dammit! The battery is dead!" Minoru then notices some movement in the bushes. "What the hell is that?"
A snake slithers its way out of a bush towards Minoru.
"SNAKE!" Minoru runs for his life.
Back at Kyoto Animation, Akira puts her cell phone back in her pocket. "Damn interference. I think we have too many computers here..."
Akira watched the Morning News on TV.
[News Update: Amature Footage of alleged PikachuMan]
On TV, a man in a Pikachu suit is running through a forest...
Newsreader: "Amateur footage of what appears to be a half-man, half-Pikachu wandering through the outskirts of Kyoto. Scientists speculate that the PikachuMan may be the result of Genetic Engineering. Police advise caution when approaching anyone who appears to be a PikachuMan or a PikachuWoman..."
A manager of Kyoto Animation walked into the waiting room. "Miss Kogami. It appears that the film crew lost Shiraishi during the UFO sighting at Mt. Fuji. Our only option now is to call in a temporary replacement until Shiraishi is found. Do you agree to that?"
Akira simply waves her hand. "Yeah, yeah. As long as the show goes on..."
[Ryouou High School Secret Underground Bunker, 10:22 am]
Meanwhile, in the underground base beneath the School building, a group of JDF Soldiers are guarding Yui's car.
Sakuraba and the Man in Black walk up to the soldiers. The Man in Black points at the Blue Subaru. "Colonel, you and your men have been relieved of your duties to guard the car. This operation is now under the jurisdiction of the United States of America!"
JDF Colonel Mustang groans. "I do not understand why you Yanks have jurisdiction when it comes to the UFOs? It wouldn't kill you to share, you know?"
The Man in Black glares at Mustang through is sunglasses. "Listen, I represent the greatest country on Earth and that comes with special privileges..."
Suddenly, the Blue Subaru drives off...
"Goddamn Son of a Bitch!" the Man in Black cursed. The soldiers and the Man in Black chase after the runaway car on foot.
Inside Yui's car, Satoshi is sitting at the passenger's seat while his brunette buddy is doing the driving.
"I can't believe we actually stole the Legendary Blue Subaru from a Secret JDF Facility, Taichi!"
Taichi grinned as he drives the car. "This is nothing. Next, I'm going to drift this baby on the Hakone Expressway..."
Satoshi looks at his watch. "As long as I get back to the Café before Noon. I got to prepare for the After-School rush."
[Ryouou High School Cafeteria, 12:01 pm]
During Lunch Break, Konata receives a text message on her cell phone.
"Is it a message from your Dad?" asks Kagami.
Konata reads the message. "No. It's a message from my boss. He found Yui-neesan's car. It's right outside the Café."
Kagami eats a meatball. "Come to think of it, how exactly did your boss hire you? When I met him a few days ago, he seems to be a different type of Otaku compared your Dad. He doesn't seem to be the type to hire you because of your body..."
Konata takes a bite of her Choco Cornet. "To be honest, it's a long story..."
[Flashback: How Konata met Satoshi]
Konata: "It all started when I decided to buy the last Choco Cornet in an Akihabara Convenience Store..."
Konata was at the glass cabinet in the convenience store and there was only one Choco Cornet remaining. As Konata tried to take the Choco Cornet with her tongs, another person tried to take it as well.
"I saw it first," said Konata.
"No, I saw it first and I'm taking it."
Konata used her tongs to deflect the other person's tongs. "Hands off my Choco Cornet!"
"No." Without any hesitation, the other person grabbed another set of tongs to swipe the Choco Cornet, but Konata countered with a second set of tongs she grabbed and blocked her rival's tongs. Now, the fight is on...
Konata and her red-capped opponent's tong fight has moved on into the store Aisles as Konata and her opponent switched weapons from tongs to boxes of Cling Wrap from the shelves and used them as makeshift swords. The 'Swordfight' then brought Konata and the red-cap opponent into the cereal aisle. With two hard swings with the boxes of cling wrap, the weapons were sent flying into the air. Konata quickly picked up a cereal box as her opponents throws a punch at Konata. With one punch, the opponent's fist penetrates the cereal box, spilling a large amount of cereal on the floor. Konata jumps onto a nearby supermarket trolley. With one kick to the shelf, she sent herself on the trolley towards her opponent. Konata then swings her leg.
"FLYING TROLLEY ROUNDHOUSE KICK!"
Konata's opponent is struck by Konata's powerful kick with the added velocity of the moving trolley. Konata jumps off the trolley before it hits a wall and Konata's opponent quickly recovers from the kick. Konata runs into the freezer and takes out three boxes of Frozen Burgers.
Konata throws a burger box at the red-capped opponent. The opponent performs a left hook that knocks the box away. Konata throws her second burger box, but the opponent's right hook knocks away that box. Konata launches her final box, but an uppercut renders that projectile useless.
Before the fight could continue, a gun is fired, causing both Konata and her opponent to stop fighting. The Store Clerk Hikaru Agata is holding a 9mm.
"That's enough! The last Choco Cornet that you two are fighting over has been sold. Now I want you two to make peace right now!"
Both Konata and the red-cap man refused to comply, so the Store Clerk fires his 9mm again. "My store, my rules! Now shake hands."
Konata and her opponent shook hands reluctantly. "Now hug. Hug or I'll shoot!" Konata and the man hugged each other, not wanting to risk a bullet embedded in their bodies.
Kagami: "Wait a minute."
[Flashback Paused]
Kagami raised a finger, interrupting the Flashback. "You're just embellishing the story..."
Both Konata and Tsukasa have confused looks on their faces. Tsukasa's look is no surprise as she doesn't usually keep up on Current Events, but Konata's confusion added to Kagami's frustration. "Since when did two people fighting over a Choco Cornet in Akihabara becomes a brawl?"
"Actually, there was a strange news story around the time when Konata got her job at the Cosplay Cafe last year. It shows surveillance footage of a fight in a Convenience Store in Akihabara," Miyuki explained. "The police are unable to perform a proper investigation, but I hear that the video was sensation on the Internet."
Kagami frowns. "It must have been one of those weird but true news reports in between a cute baby animal story and an earthquake at who-knows-where."
Konata continues her story. "Anyway, the punch line is that the guy I fought was my Boss."
Miyuki remains tactful with her words. "It must be a quite unique job interview."
"I only found out when I arrived at the Cosplay Café. The moment he saw me trying to apply for a job there, he hired me on the spot. It's like the laws of the Universe revolve around me!"
Kagami frowns. 'If the laws of the universe revolve around you, Konata, I think I can kiss this Planet goodbye.'
Kagami changes the subject. "By the way, the Finals are starting next week. How are you going to handle both your job and the exams at the same time?"
Konata remains her usual calm self. "I'm not worried. My boss is finding my temporary replacement during the Exams at this moment so that I can study for it. Hopefully, the temp wouldn't be much of a bother to Patty..."
Satoshi is on his cellphone. "Hello, is this the Temp Agency? Yeah, I'm in need for a temp because one of my waitresses is unable to work for the next couple of weeks due to her Final Exams..."
Temp Agency: "I'm sorry, but all the available girls in the16-24 age group have been assigned by other stores to prepare for the Post-Exam Sales. All we have left are guys."
"Alright, if that is the case, can I have the shortest guy you have who is also a bit girly?"
Temp Agency: "Well, the closest one we have is a guy called Ikki Tenryo. He has a ponytail, so that should make him girly enough."
"I'm interested. Tell me more."
Temp Agency: "Tenryo was a Voice Actor but he was busted for Anime Bootlegging and Video Game Piracy, so he's currently on Work Release from prison."
Without batting an eyelid, Satoshi has made his decision. "I'll take him."
Temp Agency: "No worries. He'll be at your Café at 1 pm."
Satoshi puts his cellphone in his pocket. "Taichi, I really need to get back to the Café right now so that we can dump the car there."
Taichi drifts the Blue Subaru on the Hakone Expressway. "Sure thing. Once I lose the cops..."
The Blue Subaru is being pursued by a bunch of Cop cars on the expressway...
[Police Chase, 12:21 pm]
"I forgot this car is hot. The owner of the Legendary Blue Subaru is a Cop," Taichi said as he calmly drives the Blue Subaru at its maximum speed.
Satoshi could only shake his head in frustration.
[Middle of Nowhere, 12:34 pm]
Minoru is aimlessly wandering around wilderness. "I'm so hungry..."
As Minoru leans on a tree, he spots something that he never expected to see in the middle of nowhere. A hot steaming bowl of Ramen is on the ground.
"Is that Ramen?" Minoru runs to the Ramen, only to find it missing.
"Where did the Ramen go?" Minoru sees the bowl of Ramen on a rock. "There you are."
Minoru runs to the rock, only to find the Ramen missing. It was then he realized something. "Oh, I get it. It was one of those Ramen mirages."
Minoru's stomach begins to rumble. "But I'm really hungry." Minoru spots a dead bird on the ground. "I guess I have no choice. I have to eat this bird, but how am I going to eat it."
Minoru suddenly has an idea. "Wait, didn't I imagine those bowls of Ramen earlier? If I use the same the mirage trick on this bird, I can pretend it's a Fried Chicken. Here goes nothing..."
Minoru closed his eyes for a bit. He then reopens his eyes to find the dead bird in his hands replaced with a piece of fried Chicken. "Now that's what I'm talking about."
Minoru eats the Chicken. "Man, I wish I was in that Blue Subaru the Aliens abducted. Then I could be out of here in an instant..."
Meanwhile, Yui's Blue Subaru is abandoned outside the Cosplay Café in Akihabara. The car thief is nowhere to be seen...
[Cosplay Café, 1:06 pm]
Satoshi is interviewing the new Temp in his office.
"I'm really grateful for you to give me this job," said Ikki "My life has been going down the gutter ever since my imprisonment."
Satoshi puts a strange watch-like device on Ikki's left wrist. "What's this?"
"A GPS Tracker as part of your work release condition. If try to remove that thing without my knowledge, an alarm will go off and you're going back to jail, got it?"
Ikki is confused at Satoshi's actions. "But why do I need it while working in a Cosplay Cafe?"
Satoshi writes on a sheet of paper. "To be honest, I wanted a female temp to work as a waitress, but since you're the only one available, I decided that you're going to have to work on one of my other jobs. If anyone asks, I hired you to work in the Kitchen."
"I suppose that could work. What am I suppose to do?"
Satoshi puts a parcel on his desk. "This is one of my so-called 'side-jobs' meant to be off-the-books. I need you to deliver this to package for me to this address. Tell them it's a package from Satoshi and come back straight away for your next job."
[Ryouou High School, 1:10 PM]
Classes are done for the day, so Hiyori and Patty are walking towards the train station on their way to work...
"Finals are next week. Do you think Satoshi will be able to find Konata's Replacement for the next two weeks?" Patty asks.
Hiyori rubs her chin. "Well, if memory serves me, Satoshi would have problems finding a girl in our age group as a Temp because other stores like Gamers are preparing for the End of Finals Sales. He'll probably hire a girly-looking boy to replace Konata for the next few weeks."
Back at the Cosplay Café, Satoshi is watching the news on TV...
Newsreader: "In breaking news, another body has been found. Police believed the Serial Killer they've dubbed as the 'Meganekko Serial Killer' is responsible. Police used the 'Meganekko' term because the killer allegedly makes his victims wear corrective lenses during his killing sprees. Police have also linked the 'Meganekko Serial Killer' to the theft of a large shipment of corrective lenses from an Optician in Akihabara as the glasses found on the victims match the details of the stolen goods."
Konata enters the Café. "Hey, Satoshi. I'm here to collect my cousin's car."
"Yeah, well. The cops chased the car thief down the alleyway and I think he got away," Satoshi said. "I told them that the car thief is a blonde guy who has a bit of an ahoge with a pony tail and I was under the impression that he's shorter than you."
Konata shrugs. "This is Akihabara, so anyone can be anyone here. Anyway, Yui-neesan asked me to drive her car back home. Thanks for your help."
Satoshi nods. "I was able to find it by chance, so I'm happy to help."
Ikki returns with a brown paper bag. "Hey Boss. I delivered the package like you told me to and they told me to give this to you. What's next?"
Satoshi looks at his watch to check the time. "Wow, that's pretty fast." Satoshi points at a bunch of flyers on "Okay, here's your next job. I need you to help advertise for the Café by dropping these flyers into the letter boxes. Hopefully, the new flyers will attract Otakus to come here like its Comiket. And if you run out of flyers, come back here to get a refill."
"No problem." Ikki walks out of the office with the flyers.
"Who is he?" Konata asks.
"I hired him to be your 'replacement' because he was the only person available, so I'm giving him the task of doing a few things for me."
Konata nods. "Okay. It's just that his voice sounds familiar."
[Yui's Car, 2:16 pm]
Konata is driving the Blue Subaru back to Saitama. Despite looking like a 6th Grader, Konata is a licensed driver, so even her traffic cop Cousin has no objections to her driving the Blue Subaru. Konata turns on the radio...
Radio: "...ureshisa wo atsumeyou,
Katan nanda yo konna no,
Oikakete ne tsukamaete mite,
Ooki na yume & yume suki deshou?"
(Song Ends)
[R.I.C.K.Y FM, 2:17 pm]
DJ Alphonse Elric is in the studio. "We're halfway through the Two Hour Double-Shot Anime hits on R.I.C.K.Y FM. Aya Hirano's 'Hare Hare Yukai', our magic song of the hour. Call now and you could win a Million Yen by playing our quiz."
"A million yen?" Konata picks up her phone and dials the number. Unfortunately, she isn't looking where she is driving and the Blue Subaru hits another vehicle. Konata gets out of the car to survey the damage as she listens to her cell phone.
The Blue Subaru has rear-ended a car that represents 'Debster's Encyclopedia Deliveries'. Encyclopedia Salesman Junpei gets out of his car.
"Look what you did to my car, you (beep)!" Junpei cursed. He spots Konata holding the cell phone. "Damn (beep), get off the phone!"
"Hey, I'm trying to win a million yen here!" retorts Konata.
Junpei walks up to Konata. "Give me the damn phone!"
DJ Al checks his computer. "It looks like we got a call on the line." Al presses a button. "Hello, you're on the air."
Konata: "Hi, this is Konata Izumi from Saitama..." (Junpei: "Get off the (beep)ing phone!")
"Are you having a problem over there?" DJ Al asks.
"No problems. Just give me the questions..."
Back on the road, Junpei pushes Konata over as she tries to talk on the phone. In retaliation, Konata punches Junpei in the face.
DJ Al nods. He proceeds to read the questions.
"Alright, to win the Million Yen, here's the first question: 'Which Anime Series made in the late 90s is based on raising Digital pets that can battle each other using a Digital devices?'"
Junpei throws an encyclopedia at Konata. "Hey! Watch where you're throwing that thing, you stinking Digimon!" Konata yells.
On the other end of the call, DJ Al rings a bell.
"That's correct, Konata! Digimon is the correct answer. Well done. You're two questions away from winning the Million Yen."
Junpei is trying to strangle Konata as she struggles against her much larger adversary. Konata lands a kick at Junpei's groin, forcing him to release her. Konata quickly performs a roundhouse kick at Junpei's face.
Konata returns to her phone call. "I'm still here."
DJ Al reads the next question. "Here's your next question: 'If you had myopia, which part of your body will be affected?'"
Konata smacks Junpei in the face with her phone and it just happens that the phone hits Junpei at one of his eyes. "Owww, my eye!" screamed Junpei.
DJ Al rings the bell again.
"You're right. Myopia is the degenerative form of blindness that affects the eye. The audience loves you, Konata. You're one question away from the Million Yen. And here's the moment of truth. Are you ready?"
Junpei is now holding Konata in a headlock as Konata struggles for her cell phone. Konata grabs her cell phone and struggles with her words. "Just...give me...the question..."
Junpei glares at Konata. "I'll give you..."
DJ Al reads the final question. "'What is the scientific term for the psychosis that affects violent motorists?' You have 30 seconds..."
Konata drops her cellphone and grabs a loose Encyclopedia. Using the heavy book, she bashes Junpei in the head, knocking him out cold. Konata then quickly looks through the Encyclopedia, hoping for an answer to the question. The first few words of a random page happened to get her the answer: 'What is Road Rage?'
Konata picks up her cell phone. "Is the answer 'Road Rage'?"
At the Radio Station, the Final Fantasy Victory Theme is played.
"You did it, Konata! You won the Million yen! All you need to do is come straight to the station to collect it!"
"Awesome! I'm on my way!" Konata ends the call and she barely dodged a flying encyclopedia thrown by Junpei.
Meanwhile, Ikki is putting a flyer for the Cosplay Café into a letterbox when a red-haired glasses wearing woman walks out of the door.
"Excuse me, but I need a little bit of help here. Do you mind?"
Being the helpful person, Ikki agrees. "Sure thing. What do you need me to do?"
[Karin's Home, 4:32 pm]
"Come on in and I'll show you." Ikki is invited into Karin's kitchen. Karin closes the front door. "Just wait here while I get something."
As Ikki waits, Karin returns a Zanbato sword as she swings the weapon at Ikki...
[Akira's Car, 4:50 pm]
Akira is driving her car as she drinks her coffee. "Yuck, how can anyone drink this crap?"
Akira flings her coffee out of the window. At the side of the road, Junpei is standing next to his wrecked 'Debster's Encyclopedia Delivery' Car speaking on his cell phone. Akira's coffee splash onto Junpei's clothes.
"(Beep)! What the (beep)?" Junpei returns to his call. "What the (beep) happened? I'll tell you what the (beep) happened. First, some (beep)ing blue-haired midget schoolgirl rear-ends me and kicks my ass. Then, some (beep) goes and throws her coffee at me! This would never happen if (beep)ing Wikipedia never existed!"
Akira continues to drive as she decides to make a phone call on her cell phone. The call goes through...
"Hello, this is Karin speaking."
"Karin, its Akira here. I've been thinking about your offer to put me in a new series where I get to be a Meganekko. How many episodes do you plan to make?"
Karin could hear a faint groan. "Give me one second while I check my notes." Karin picks up Zanbato and lands the finishing blow on her victim.
Karin resumes her phone call. "We could probably start off with the usual 15 episodes and if the show is popular enough, we could extend it to 20, maybe 30 episodes."
Outside Karin's home, Detective Ichijouji is leading a team of heavily armed Special Response Unit officers.
"Alright men, be very careful. We don't know what we are going to find in there and this person could be a serial killer. Now, after three." The officers brace themselves. "One, two..." The officers are about to storm the home but the Detective stops them. "Wait for it...three! Go!"
The officers storm the home by breaking down the front door into the house. The first thing the police officers have seen shocked them right to the core...
"Holy (beep)! Look at that!" yelled Detective Ichijouji.
In the kitchen, Karin is standing over her victim, with her victim Ikki wearing a pair of glasses after being brutally attacked by the Zanbato while Karin is on the phone.
"Akira, I think I'm going to have to call you back..."
[Cosplay Café, 6:02 pm]
Patty and Hiyori enter the kitchen. "Satoshi, we are a bit behind on the food. What's going on?"
The two Cosplay Waitresses notice that Satoshi is staring at the TV in shock. They decided to check out what's on TV that is causing Satoshi's reaction...
[Breaking News: Former Voice Actor slain by Meganekko Serial Killer]
On TV, the Reporter is standing next to Ikki's corpse in the Meganekko Serial Killer's home.
News Reporter: "It is grotesque. The horror house of the Meganekko Serial Killer, who is in fact, a Meganekko herself, and the body of her latest victim, former Voice Actor Ikki Tenryou."
"Hey, isn't that Konata's replacement?" said Hiyori.
Reporter: "It is a sad end to the life of Ikki Tenryou, who started off as very well as a Voice Actor for the hit Medabot series in the early 2000s, before being arrested for Anime and Video Game Piracy. Currently released on parole, he was delivering flyers for a little known Cosplay Café in Akihabara until he became the latest victim of Japan's most vicious serial killer."
Patty does the four signs of the Cross as Satoshi could only utter, "He was the closest person to being a celebrity I've ever hired."
Hiyori looks around. "Does this mean that we need to look for another temp?"
[End of Chapter 02. Hope you enjoyed your time at the Cosplay Café...]
[Cast:]
[Cosplay Café Staff:]
Konata Izumi - Konata
Patricia Martin - Patty
Hiyori Tamura - Hiyori
Satoshi Katsumoto - Cosplay Café Owner
[Lucky Star Characters:]
Nanako Kuroi - Herself
Minoru Shiraishi - Lost
Akira Kogami - Idol
Hikaru Sakuraba - Biology Teacher/Scientist
Kagami Hiiragi - Tsundere
Miyuki Takara - Meganekko
[Guest Stars/Everyone Else:]
Taichi Yagami - Car Thief
Ikki Tenryou - Hired Temp/Murder Victim
Kero-Beros - Temp Agency
Hikaru Agata - Convenience Store Owner
Eriol Hiragizawa - Newsreader
Alphonse Elric - R.I.C.K.Y FM DJ
Konno Mitsune - Reporter
Junpei Shibayama - Encyclopedia Salesman
Ken Ichijouji - Plainclothes Detective
Max Mizuhara - Man in Black
Roy Mustang - JDF Colonel
Karin - Meganekko Serial Killer
Special Thanks to Taichi Yagami's Crazy Sunshine Team providing extras and stunts...