Valentine's Day – at breakfast
James: (flattens hair nervously) Do you think she'll like it?
Sirius: Of course, I helped make it.
Remus: Everything you touch turns to gold. Right, Padfoot?
Sirius: Of course.
Fan Girl #1: (falling over table) Sirius! Sirius! Are you taking anyone to Hogsmeade cause I'm-
Fan Girl # 2: (pushes FG #1 away) He's mine!
Fan Girl # 3: No, he's mine! Shove off!
James: (in a mock-gay voice) No, silly gooses! He's mine!
(Girls stop fighting)
Fan Girl #1: I have to finish breakfast.
Fan Girl # 2: Yeah…I have to feed my… ferret.
Fan Girl # 3: Oh…yeah. Um, my mom just…rung and …um my boyfriend just… died.
Sirius: (waves and imitates a "gay" voice) Bye, girls! Oh and by the way, your hair looks really tacky like that.
(Peter is staring at the girls and doesn't realize he just spilled porridge all over his robes.)
Sirius: Get a bib or something, Wormtail. You keep missing your mouth.
Peter: (looks down) Damn!
Remus: Don't use that kind of language around women!
Sirius and James: Women?
James: Last time I checked I was a guy.
Serious: Siriusly.
Remus: Oi, how many times are you going to use that joke?
Sirius: You're just mad cause your name isn't spiffy.
Peter: (laughing) Yeah. Who in their right mind would name their kid Remus?
Remus: The founders of Rome.
James: Moony, is there anything you don't know?
Remus: How you guys can act like such idiots.
Sirius: We're not idiots…we're… creative.
Remus: Oh and that's any help to your situation.
James: What situation?
Remus: The simple fact that this plan will not work.
James: It has to work, Moony! I'm running out of ways to make Lily like me.
Sirius: Surprisingly, the last attempt with the flying pigs didn't turn out.
Remus: Well duh, she said when pigs fly sarcastically.
Peter: (mouth full) I thought it was a pretty cute idea.
James: Wormtail, aren't you done eating yet?
Peter: (swallows and grins with food stuck in his teeth) Nope!
Sirius: Don't you ever stop eating?
Remus: The answer is before your very eyes.
(Lily walks by)
Sirius: OK, everyone. Operation Get a Love Life is a go. Repeat, Operation Get a Love Life is a go!
(Remus rolls his eyes. Peter suddenly disappears and two seconds later he's…cupid. Remus is suddenly in a black tuxedo with a violin. Sirius is himself for he has no part but to regain the straightness he lost that breakfast. James also stays the same.)
Hogsmeade
Sirius: (holding a photograph) Hey have you seen my little second cousin? My cousin Andromeda had her a couple weeks ago. Her name's Nymphadora.
Fan Girl # 1: Aw, she's so cute!
Remus: That's a pitiful way to pick up girls. Although, Nymphadora is pretty adorable.
James: You're a pedophile, Remus.
Remus: It's not like I'm going to date her, moron.
James: (grinning) Sure.
Peter: There's Lily.
James: (flattens hair) Here we go! Hey, Evans.
Lily: Go away, Potter.
Peter: (shoots an arrow covered with love potion at Lily but misses) Moony! I need more Love Potion!
Remus: You're a terrible shot. (Tosses potion covered arrow)
(Peter shoots arrow and hits Lily on the butt)
Lily: Ow! What the bloody…oh…James. (Blushes)
James: (whispering) Yes! (Normal) Now, will you go to the teashop with me?
Remus: (shocked) It worked!
Lily: (still blushing) Of course.
(James winks at Remus as he and Lily walk hand in hand to Madam Pudifoot's)
Peter: Where's Sirius? He's got the camera.
Remus: With his fan club.
Sirius: (walking with 3 girls) Hey guys. (Sees James. Girls gasp but he grins) I knew it would work! (Pulls out a camera) This will be something we can show to the kids!
Fan Girl # 1: He's so funny.
Fan Girl # 2: And amazing.
Fan Girl # 3: And…and…
All Fan Girls: Cute!
Remus: What's next, a Sirius parade?
Sirius: Don't be mad, I bet there's a Lupin fan club.
Remus: I hope not.
Sirius: Why not?
Remus: Think about it, Paddy.
Sirius: But what-
Remus: (sighs) Just take some pictures, Sirius.
(Sirius goes camera happy. James gives Sirius an evil glare. Peter doesn't matter much. A purple giraffe appears.)
Remus: Um…What's up with the purple giraffe?
Sirius: You took the words right out of my mouth.
Peter: But ain't it so pretty? I loooove it! (Hugs giraffe)
Meanwhile, in Pudifoot's…
James: Isn't this romantic?
Lily: Everything's romantic when I'm with you James.
James: Will you sign this contract saying you'll be my girlfriend for thirty days?
Lily: Of course, James!
-Outside Remus, Sirius, and Peter watching-
Remus: I wonder how she'll feel when the love potion wears off?
(Peter giggles)
Sirius: Like she's Peter.
Peter: (stops laughing) Huh? What's that supposed to mean?
Sirius: She'll feel like an idiot.
Peter: I'm not an idiot!
Sirius: Then prove it. Who defeated Grindelwald in 1945?
Peter: That's easy!
Sirius: Then who is it?
Peter: Merlin!
Remus: Sorry, Wormtail but it's really Dumbledore.
Meanwhile, in the teashop…
James: Lily, are you all right?
Lily: I'm just fine. (Looks dazed and kisses him) I just have to go to the bathroom. (Runs off leaving a stunned James)
(James does a victory dance.)