Being the first in a series of Umbrella Academy/WWE fanfics

Featuring-

Spaceboy a.k.a Jack Swagger

The Rumour a.k.a Melina

The Séance a.k.a Kizarny

Number Five a.k.a Chris Jericho

The Kinesis a.k.a Christian [Jay]

The Valkyrie a.k.a Rosei

Rated- Random, slightly dodgy.

Nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks

It is 12:30am In a London cemetery.

--

The Séance sits by the gates wondering why he is talking to a decapitated ghost about his love life...

When out of the sky descends...

A floating chariot.

"Nice." says The Séance.

KABOOM

It explodes. To reveal...

forks.

-

"Your control really is getting better you know Jay" says The Valkyrie.

"Thanks." says The Kinesis- a.k.a Jay. He senses The Valkyrie is hitting on him again.

The Valkyrie raises her eyebrows and grins.

The Rumour emerges from a coffin and looks from The Valkyrie to The Kinesis. Time to stir up trouble, she thinks.

"You know Jay, I heard a rumour..."

The Valkyrie springs up from the ground and starts to choke The Rumour in a flash.

"Back off, he's mine" The Valkyrie snarls.

She drops The Rumour back into the coffin and skips over to The Kinesis.

"Don't suppose you could transform that mausoleum into a torture chamber by any chance?"

"I can do something better," says The Kinesis playfully.

He concentrates and nails down the coffin lid.

-

"Séance have you been leaving conveniently placed nails lying around again?" says Number Five sternly.

"Kinesis has a tendency to use them humourously. Who am I to deny a man his entertainment?" says The Séance.

-

Enter Spaceboy...with his pants over his head. Bless him, still hasn't learnt how to dress.

"What's Kinesis up to now?" says Spaceboy.

"Nailing Rumour" says The Séance. The Valkyrie sends him a piercing glare. The Kinesis fires a nearby nail into The Séance.

"OW. Well, didn't know you were homosexual Kinesis." teases The Séance.

"What?" says Spaceboy, tyring to conceal excitement.

"He just nailed Séance " says Number Five, matter-of-factly.

Everyone can see Spaceboy's excitement.

"It was a pun dear. He hit him with a nail...so nailed him? Get it?" says Number Five, exasperated.

Spaceboy reverts back to his usual vacant expression.

"Never mind."says Number Five, before facepalming.

-

Meanwhile The Rumour has relented screaming to the lid of the coffin and is now having a friendly conversation about garden gnomes human rights to have drapes in their sheds.

-

...and our superheroes tuck in to cucumber sandwiches.