Disclaimer: Don't own any of Degrassi, just whatever OCs I have here and about.
The inside of the doctor's office was like every other doctor's office Clare had ever been in- smelling vaguely of lemons and bleach and, even though she couldn't really define what she meant by it, sickness. You could never mistake the smell of a doctor's office for any other kind of building. And it was cold, too- just not the same cold as the weather outside. Metallically cold, Clare thought. Cold like steel. Cold like the kind that would burn your fingers if you touched it on a day that was below freezing outside. Cold and impersonal, sterile, antiseptic.
Jenna walked up to the front desk, then realized Clare was still following her. "Are you, um, coming in with me?" she asked, surprised.
Clare opened her mouth to say no, but instead asked, "Do you want me to?"
The nurse behind the counter pushed a clipboard into their faces. "Name?" She asked
When Jenna didn't respond, Clare stepped forward. "Jenna Middleton," she said.
Clare and Jenna took a seat when Clare suddenly remembered Eli, waiting outside. "Wait here," she told Jenna. "I'll be right back."
She looked at her, surprised. "Why? I didn't really mean that you had to stay. Go, go spend time with your friends. And thanks again for the ride."
"Don't you want someone to be with you?"
Jenna raised her eyebrows. "Do YOU really want to be that someone? I'll be fine, Clare. Really."
Clare hesitated. She didn't really want to be at this doctor's appointment, but then again, she didn't want to just leave Jenna like this. "Just hold on a sec," she told her.
She found Eli still waiting in the car with the engine running. "Everything alright?' he asked her through the window.
Clare shook her head. "I think I'm gonna stay with her. You go on without me. Tell Adam I'm sorry"
"You sure about this?"
She shrugged "I have no idea," she admitted. "I don't just want to leave her here, Eli. I think she just needs somebody right now."
Eli cocked an eyebrow. "And that person has to be you? Where's Baby Daddy Guthrie in all of this?"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, god, who knows." She scuffed the sole of her shoes on the asphalt of the parking lot. "I know this is weird. I just think this is what I need to do right now." Clare looked at Eli, hoping he would understand. She couldn't really understand it herself, why she wanted to help. If she could help at all.
Eli shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'll come by with Adam to pick you two up. Just give me a call, okay?"
She leaned into the car window and kissed him lightly. "Thank you," she murmured.
He smirked. "You're just being you. It's the risk that you take when you date a saint."
She swatted him playfully.
Jenna was still sitting in the same place she had been when Clare left her, her elbows resting on her knees, staring at the floor like she was trying to memorize the pattern of the tile. She didn't react when Clare took a seat next to her, so Clare just sat there quietly, the awkward silence between them so tangible Clare could practically reach out and grab it with her hands and shake it until there was something to shatter the quiet.
"You don't need to be here right now."
Clare looked downward. Jenna's head was resting in her hands, and she was still looking at the tile pattern of the floor, but was speaking to her. "Why'd you stay?"
She answered Jenna's question with a question. "Where's K.C. in all of this? Shouldn't he be here with you?"
Jenna finally looked up at her. She opened her mouth to speak, then suddenly folded over her belly with her head in her hands. Clare hesitantly reached out, resting her hand on the small of Jenna's back, unsure of what else to do.
When Jenna finally seemed to regain control of herself, she looked up at Clare, surprisingly dry-eyed. "K.C.," she said, her voice steady, "isn't a part of this. His life's being held together by tape right now." At Clare's look, Jenna rolled her eyes. "His words. He told me that he didn't need this right now." She shrugged. "And I can't really say that I blame him."
Clare's mouth dropped open. "And YOU need this right now? Jenna, you're 15!"
Jenna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, believe me, I know I'm stupid."
"No, Jenna, that's not what I meant…"
"Jenna Middleton?"
The receptionist's voice broke through their conversation. "Dr. Sharne is ready for you."
Jenna gathered her things and headed towards the room, Clare following closely behind. Jenna threw a glance behind her when she noticed Clare was following, but didn't try to argue or stop her.
The receptionist guided the two of them into a small, dingy grey room. "Take a seat, she'll be with you in a moment."
Jenna hopped up on the table, and Clare took a seat across from her. She wanted to get back to the discussion they were having before the nurse had walked in, but Clare could tell by the way that Jenna clamped down on the silence in the little room that the topic was sufficiently dropped.
"What were you guys planning on doing?" Jenna asked quietly. "You know, before this."
"Eli and I were supposed to meet Adam at the comic book store. We were probably going to get dinner or something."
"So you and that Eli kid are dating?"
"Yeah. I think so, anyway. It's a little complicated with him."
"Yeah, well, relationships are complicated, if you haven't noticed," Jenna said, a small, wry grin poking through her serious expression. "Who knew."
Clare grinned back.
"What do you see in him?" Jenna asked. At Clare's look, she dropped her gaze. "I didn't mean…I don't…I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. If you don't mind me asking…"
"No, it's okay." She leaned back against the wall, trying to find out the right words to use. She knew what she felt, but she wasn't sure she could entirely put it into words…at least, not yet. This was still so new to her.
"He's smart," she began. "And funny. And I know that it doesn't always seem like it from the way he acts in school, but he's kind."
She groaned inwardly. That sounded so lame. It didn't explain the reason her stomach flipped every time that Eli cocked an eyebrow in her direction, or the way she got a head rush whenever she noticed that he was gazing at her over the top of her paper he was critiquing, his desk chair leaning back on two legs and his feet propped up on the edge of the library table. Or the way that, the first time he had ever looked at her that way- the way that said, so plainly and unabashedly, "I want you"- it had nearly burned her straight through the skin and bone and blood, just with the fiery intensity of that single stare. How nobody, not even K.C., had ever made her feel that way, like she was boiling from the inside out and would surely overheat and explode if she didn't turn the fire down.
Jenna leaned forward towards her, her gaze intense and serious, like a small child listening to a story being told.
"He treats me…"she paused, the words just on the tip of her tongue, like the bite of a pepper that burns your lips as you chew it, "He treats me like he sees me. The real me, like who I actually am. There's no fooling him. Most of the people that I meet, they see me as just one thing. They think I'm, like, some perfect little saint or something."
"You kinda are," Jenna put in, smiling.
"I'm not, really, though," she argued. "I'm not perfect all the time. I'm not a goody-goody. And while other people don't always see that, Eli does. But he sees me without that 'Saint Clare' mask, and he still gets me. And I feel like, when somebody sees the person that you are when you think that nobody else can see that, and still wants to be with you, than that's something real. And powerful."
Jenna smiled, a little sad. "I wish everyone could see the Eli that you know. He sounds like a pretty amazing guy."
"Well, you know how people are. Sometimes, the face they show you when you meet them isn't the real face that they have," Clare replied.
Jenna's face turned scarlet, and Clare suddenly realized what she had just said. "Oh, no, Jenna, I'm sorry, I didn't…I didn't mean it like that. I promise."
"No, I get it," she whispered. "I guess if anyone should know anything about not putting on their true face, it's me, right?"
Clare couldn't exactly argue, but she didn't want Jenna to think she was deliberately taking a shot at her. She sat on top of the bed next to Jenna, placing a hand on her knee.
"Jenna."
A slight redhead in a lab coat stood in the doorway. "How are you doing?"
With a steady voice, Jenna replied, "Fine."
"Great." The nurse smiled. "How about we go and get your ultrasound?"
Jenna nodded, sliding off the table. Before she followed the nurse out of the room, however, she turned back around to Clare.
"Can she come, too?" she asked in a small voice.
The doctor looked over at Clare. "Are you family?" she asked.
For a moment, she was too surprised to respond. "I'm her…" she began, her voice trailing off as she was struck silent. What do you call this? Friendship? Not exactly.
"My cousin", Jenna said simply. "She's my cousin, and she came by today with me because my brother couldn't come."
"Hi, there," the nurse said, holding her hand out to shake Clare's. "It's nice to meet you."
It took a second for her to recover her voice. "You, too," she said finally.
The nurse smiled at her. "Good to know that Jenna has other family to support her through this. I'm sure it means a lot to her."
"Yes, it does," Jenna agreed, giving Clare a look behind the doctor's back.
Clare managed a tight smile. "Anything for family, right?"
Family. Ironic.
They followed her to the ultrasound room, where Jenna lay on a chair that reminded Clare unpleasantly of a dentist's, like when she had gotten her wisdom teeth pulled and braces tightened. The nurse told them that the ultrasound tech would be with them in a moment, leaving the two of them alone.
"Sorry for putting you on the spot like that," Jenna mumbled.
"Next time, alert me before you're telling me to impersonate a member of your family." Clare's eyes slid to Jenna's hands, folded over her belly. "So how is the baby doing? So far, I mean."
"Fine," Jenna said. "Fine. Everything's going great. She seems healthy, everything in the right place. She's kicking nonstop." She winced. "Like now. I swear, this kid's going to come out playing on a drum set. She's bouncing around like she's on a trampoline in there." She drummed her hands against her belly. "Boom, boom, boom."
Clare gazed at her curiously. "What's it like?" she asked. "The kicking."
Jenna stared at the speckled ceiling for a moment. "Like a ferret's bouncing around on a set of bongo drums, and it's all dancing on top of one of those giant exercise bouncy balls, balancing on top of your bladder," she answered.
Clare laughed.
"You think I'm joking," she remarked, "but it really does. Where is the ultrasound tech? I gotta use the bathroom for the billionth time today."
"Have you picked out any names yet?"
"Sort of." Jenna rolled her eyes. "My brother's top two choices are Leah and Isabella. I tell him to stop picking names from Twilight or he might make girls a little suspicious."
"You should tell him that you're the one having the baby and you'll name her whatever you want."
"Yeah, definitely. Anytime he wants to have this baby for me, he can name her whatever he wants."
What is this? It was like they were girlfriends, chattering about any inane topic. It was almost innocent. Almost, Clare caught herself.
The ultrasound tech squirted blue gel on to Jenna's stomach, making her wince. "Sorry," the nurse said with a smile.
"It's always so cold," Jenna murmured, her eyes on the screen.
Clare followed her gaze there. The screen was murky at first, blotchy and indistinguishable, like an Etch-A-Sketch that had just been shaken up. But as her eyes adjusted to the grainy image, she could find herself making out distinguishable shapes- the fine slope of a small chin, the arch of elbows and knees, a round head the size of a Clementine, the tiny flexing of fingers and toes, the thrust of legs as they struck out against the protective sac inside the uterus, swimming contentedly inside the soft, muted underwater world inside her mother's stomach. Speechless, Clare just gaped at the image.
K.C. should see this, she found herself thinking, surprising herself when the thought crossed her mind so unexpectedly. Where had that come from?
And on the heels of that: K.C. should want to see this.
"Clare?"
Jenna's voice sounded far away, like the noise from the end of a long tunnel. "Huh?" she blinked, dazed.
Jenna pointed to the screen. "See? She's sucking her thumb. That's the first time she's ever done that."
Clare watched, momentarily stunned. "Wow," she breathed after a moment.
"Yeah," Jenna said softly. They both sat there in silence, watching the baby floating and twisting in the amniotic fluid.
Jenna's baby. Jenna and K.C.'s baby. Clare had known the mechanics of making a baby for some time now, but this was the first time she ever realized it was more than just rude mechanicals, like the cogs on a machine. This was life.