And here is the second part which explains the title, sorry for the long wait.
Again, just meant to be funny.
Two weeks had passed since what the guys had started calling The Incident and which still had the girls giggling whenever they came across them in the bullpen.
Hotch had promised to have Garcia take care of the sites featuring the fics in question, to get Morgan off his case as he claimed.
Morgan was convinced though that it was mostly because some rather disturbing pieces on Hotch´s own fictional sidesteps had appeared over the past few days. He hadn't asked too many questions about it, scared that he starred in those, too, though.
Whatever the reason, preparing a lawsuit was going considerably slow and Morgan had the dreadful assumption that Garcia was sitting in her office drooling over the stories instead of actually collecting evidence. Maybe even adding some of her own…
He was afraid to ask her though since the last time he had entered her office she had insisted on discussing all kinds of interesting scenes featuring him and Reid. For some of them she had used photo shop to create even more fake pictures of them in compromising positions that had shamed even him.
He and Reid were mostly avoiding each other ever since they had gotten into another fight over their roles in the stories which had resulted in Reid calling Morgan some not so nice things and Morgan chasing him around the bullpen in order to really smack him across the head this time.
Unfortunately though –and due to some strategically placed obstructions on the floor next to Emily's desk- that had only ended with Garcia being able to take some real pictures of Morgan lying on Reid lying on said desk.
As a result Reid was getting just as much attention from their male coworkers throughout the building as Emily would have liked and in being forced to spend his breaks locked into a stall in the bathroom.
Morgan almost would have pitied him hadn't he been sure that the only reason why no one harassed him at work was because they feared being shot –or bludgeoned.
Naturally, all of this had put a strain on their work day and after two weeks of annoying tardiness, and icy glares their boss seemed to think it was time to clear the air.
They were sitting in a diner across the street from the office, with both Hotch and Rossi giving them stern glances over their cups of coffee. They were likely planning on knocking some sense into them and get them to act civil again (which Morgan couldn't bother spending time on of course –he was way too busy trying to repair his cracked image with every female secretary he came across).
Luckily for him, even here Reid was sulking and complaining again three sentences into the conversation, distracting the men from Morgan effectively.
"No, Hotch I don't want it to affect our working relationship. But you should see the way people look at me now! At us! I can't stand next to Morgan without someone staring and giggling!", he sighed in frustration, hiding his face in his hands.
"Well, you're just going to have to be professional…", Hotch started to remind him patiently, but Reid wasn't even listening, already on his favorite topic again.
"I just don't understand why people would be so fascinated in making me into this weak, dependent nerd who needs to be protected like some damsel in distress. How do they think I ever got admitted to the FBI?", he was currently whining, earning himself an exasperated sigh from Hotch while Rossi just rolled his eyes.
"Garica tells me there are some theories on that out there.", Morgan quipped, only to be awarded with a death glare.
"Are you still not over that?", Hotch sighed, tired of their never ending bantering.
It was bad enough that his agents couldn't take this more seriously, but he really didn't want to hear any implications concerning Reid and Gideon –or worse Reid and him- over lunch.
"How would I be?", Reid demanded agitatedly.
"You could have done what I did yesterday after work.", Morgan beamed: "Go out and take the next pretty lady you meet home."
Reid just glared at him over his coffee, immediately deadpanning: "You know what, Morgan? I'm surprised you haven't moved on to guys yet. It's hard to believe there are any girls left you haven't slept with."
It was all Hotch could do to cough in order to hide the laugh that threatened to escape him at that; luckily Morgan's growl covered it efficiently.
"Don't start with me, pretty boy, or I might just have to reenact that one story and put you over my knee."
"Will you two give it a rest?", Rossi finally fell in, trying to help Hotch out: "You can both hold your own, it's not like you are making it hard for those people to read into that whole gay thing."
"Excuse me?", Morgan gaped incredulously and Rossi continued before he would be forced to listen to yet another story about the agents latest conquest.
"Come on now. Reid, you can look a little…uh effeminate…with that long hair and that handbag of yours…especially next to Morgan… or Hotch or…"
"Anyone.", Morgan concluded which earned him a surprisingly hard slap on the arm.
"I'm warning you, Morgan."; Reid said darkly, his pouty kitten-glower having exactly to opposite effect of what he was aiming at: "And it's a messenger bag."
Morgan raised his hands in mock surrender, giving up for the moment and hiding his grin behind his mug: "Fine, whatever. That explains Reid, but not me."
Hotch raised an eyebrow at him, finally ready to come out with the plain truth: "Well… you two are close. Maybe if you wouldn't keep tousling Reid´s hair, or insist on staying with him during hospital stays or when we sleep in hotels, or always looking out especially for him on missions, or mentioning him especially to your family, or knowing his coffee order by heart…"
"Or calling him pretty boy.", Rossi fell in, grinning: "Talk about a Freudian slip."
While Morgan stared at them speechlessly, turning faintly red at that last part, Reid was quick to see his opening: "Ha, I knew this was your fault!"
Morgan shook his head harshly, regaining his wit quickly: "This is ridiculous. Can't one guy call another other pretty anymore without it being misconstrued? We´re just friends!"
"We were friends before you compared me to a girl.", Reid corrected him immediately.
He was ignored by everybody else, both Hotch and Rossi concentrated on Morgan who was quickly losing ground.
"Sure, which man doesn't call his friends that. Just last week I told Hotch what great legs he has. Really, the nerve of those people to rip your words out of context so completely", Rossi joked, cool as ever.
It earned him a rather shocked side-glance from Hotch, half a laugh from Reid and a murderous glare from Morgan.
Oh, you wanna talk subtext, Rossi?"; the latter snapped: "What about that time you and Hotch acted out that Sub/Dom scenario, huh?"
A slight twitch of his eye was all that betrayed Rossi as he stared Morgan down, while Hotch next to him turned beet-red at those words.
Reid just stared at Morgan disbelievingly, not trusting his own senses anymore. Had Morgan actually just said that? To Hotch and Rossi?
"That was work related.", Rossi finally replied without batting an eyelash.
"Yeah, I'm sure it must have been quite the workout."
"Argh, stop I don't wanna hear it!", Reid whined, slapping both palms over his ears and effectively ending the embarrassing conversation when he hurried to the bathroom. Imagining Rossi in leather boots was sure to have him lose his lunch.
Another week went by after the less than successful pow-wow in the diner.
A full week in which the girls kept giggling, Reid was now unable to look at Morgan, Hotch or Rossi while working, and Morgan couldn't have a normal conversation anymore because he refused to look at basically every male coworker for longer than two seconds in a row and always stooped himself short of calling Reid pretty boy by converting it into the far less spectacular pal.
Garcia's research was still going slow, mostly because she was busy categorizing the stories she found and putting them in order on her website and the BAU was losing hope that this case would be cracked in the near future.
To make matters worse, they still had actual jobs to get to and eventually found themselves unable to keep arguing about their sexuality 24/7.
Morgan kept up his shag-every-female-this-side-of the-equator-at–least-once-policy and for a while Reid even tried to do the same, openly ogling women during their cases and turning his head whenever a skirt walked by.
He almost would have been happy with his success when Emily called him on it one time -joking that his IQ had been slashed in half –had it not been for the sneaking feeling that she was referring to his rather plump attempt at appearing like a ladies' man.
Five weeks in, Reid was almost ready to just give up and accept his fate when Morgan pushed him one bit too far.
They were working a case and they had had a rough day, Morgan calling him pretty boy by accident again before he could think better off it which had resulted in some of the local police officers staring at them for the remainder of the day and Morgan not speaking another word with Reid.
To make matters worse the team was forced to stay overnight and not enough rooms were available. Hotch hadn't even finished telling them they would have to double up when Morgan blurted out rather disjointedly:
"I'm not sleeping with, Reid!"
Everyone just stare at him after that, taking in the ambiguity of the sentence -until Garcia saved them from yet another lengthy discussion by calling dibs on Morgan.
Everyone had been glad to have escaped yet another one of Reid and Morgan's standoffs and had quickly taken cover in their rooms but Reid had known that he had to do something.
Something drastic. Something that would never make anyone call him girlish or pretty again.
Morgan wasn't the only one who could make a point.
And so he did. He chose the ultimate way to be able to start a new life as a manly man, ready to demand the respect he deserved.
Everyone including Morgan stared at him with disbelieving eyes when he entered the conference room that next day, sporting a brand new, short haircut.
Red couldn´t hide a glum smile as he sat down, confident and happy to have taken such effective measures.
It lasted exactly seven and a half seconds.
"What, did you join a boy band?"
Poor baby, cant catch a break ;-)
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