Chapter Two: Tuesday.

Weeks have passed since that Monday when things began to change (yet again) and Macy has been coming over almost every day since then. (Except for Sundays because her big family is big on Sunday being family day and he doesn't have the heart to ask her to come over then too because he knows she'll drop everything if he just asks.) He doesn't want to think about what it all means. He knows what it means. It means he's a terrible terrible person and she's just being Macy (because how can he be Nick when he doesn't know how to be Nick anymore?).

His brothers tease him about his 'little Macy crush' and he doesn't say anything. It's safer to let them think what they want. Easier, to be honest. (Because he's been trying out the honesty route recently. Kinda. He's strayed from the path a number of times.) Even his parents give him knowing looks whenever they see him with Macy and that's all right too because Dad has stopped asking questions (he's assumed that it was another failure of a crush and that he's moved on to "that sweet girl Macy!" as his mother likes to say) and so Nick doesn't have to think about questions to answer his father's questions with. He is rapidly beginning to realize that his life is about avoiding things. And he's getting really good at it.

That doesn't seem to matter anymore because thoughts of quitting music have left his mind. Not completely, though. But he doesn't wake up every day wishing that it would all be over. In fact, he's begun looking forward to tomorrows again and it's been so so so long since he remembers that last happening.

He thinks he might be getting better but he can't be too sure so he keeps hanging out with Macy, singing songs to her and eating up her smiles.

"You're weird," she tells him today as they sit together in the atrium and hands him an apple. (What's weird is that he's associating her to things he'd never thought possible like apples, green green frogs, purple feather boas and sanity.)

"Yes. Yes I am."

He feels her staring at him as he bites into his apple but he doesn't make a move to return the look. It's when she's bubbling over with cheerful giggles that he finally does turn to her, taking in her glistening eyes and toothy grin.

"What's so funny?" he prompts.

She bites into her own apple and raises her shoulders in a dainty little shrug. "Well, you know…" She gives a small almost absent-minded smile. "This whole thing is weird, don't you think?"

"What thing?" He is so much more adept at asking questions than answering them and he's thankful that Macy's not the type to get annoyed when he steps over hers like he's a soldier on a mine field.

"First of all," she begins and then purses her lips for a moment in thought before continuing, "who would have thought that we'd be friends?"

Friends?

"We weren't friends?"

"Of course we were!" she amends quickly. "It's just that… Well, it's never been like this, has it? I hung out mostly with Kevin and Joe. Although, yes, the Joe thing is mostly due to Stella and all. But still. You and I?" Her finger points to the two of them. "Hanging out is not what we do, Nick. I hit you with sports equipment, yes. I also fangirl ridiculously accompanied with some embarrassing hyperventilating that may or may not result in fainting. And you… You're Nick Lucas." At this point, he feels like he should interrupt her but she's just so into it that he decides otherwise. "Nick Lucas who is quiet and serious and looks like he's processing about a million brilliant ideas in his head… We're not two peas in a pod, Nick. So this? Eating apples in the atrium for lunch and having an actual conversation—and not just because you need to talk to me but because you want to—it's just really…"

"Weird?" he finishes helpfully and it earns him another giggle. He takes refuge in that giggle, wraps it around him like a warm blanket on a winter night.

She shakes her head, clearly amused with him and he decides that if it was ever just easy to be around someone it would be Macy. He won't be obtuse and call it a crush like his brothers do. He's experienced enough of those to be able to distinguish when it is and isn't. It's a companionship. Kinda. Yes, he does get some sort of twisted kind pleasure from being with her which contrasts rather darkly with your run-off-the-mill friendship. She puts him on a pedestal, in the center of her universe, a point reference to revolve around. With her, he doesn't need an ocean of fans. He can just sit in the atrium, eating an apple and feel just as good about himself.

He knows that he's just using her. He can't help it. The startling realization is this: He'd rather be Nick of JONAS than just Nick Lucas. It's the truth that has been digging into his gut trying to carve its way out of his body and make itself known. He thinks about his family and how they would react. His mother will blame herself and say something about not having been raised that way and his father will look at him with such disappointment and he's afraid that when he's entirely too Nick of JONAS and no longer Nick Lucas that these things (family and principles and normalcy) won't matter anymore. So he sucks it all inside and pushes it into the space between his lungs. Yes, all he breathes in is bitterness but at least he can get through the rest of his day thinking that he's okay.

(He doesn't want to be Nick of JONAS anymore but he doesn't know how to stop. That's what his heart tells him. His mind says, "If you can't be either, who will you be?")

"You okay?"

He feels that slight twinge between his lungs as he takes a deep breath before answering. "Yeah, I'm okay. So, what time are you coming over later?"

"Got softball after school. The coach says it's gonna be an 'epic season'." She munches on her apple thoughtfully. "Epic is such a silly word. Or maybe I only find it silly because I've never thought about anything as being 'epic' before in the way people just throw it around. I mean, epic is… epic. There aren't many things that should be epic because when everything's epic then nothing is, you know?"

"Like in that Disney movie… if everyone is a superhero…"

She giggles and gives him a playful punch on his arm before breaking his heart (completely). "What if everyone was a rockstar? Then you wouldn't be special then, would you Nick of JONAS?"

He tries to swallow down the sudden wave of emotion, one that's similar to the feeling he gets when he thinks that someday Macy will outgrow her JONAS fascination but he'll still always feel this way.

(Conflicted and Ashamed.)

It feels like indigestion. Like heartburn.

(His insides are a mess.)

"So where's Macy?"

Nick would be hard-pressed to miss the sarcastic tone in Kevin's voice as he slips inside his brother's car. He chalks it up to a bad day and decides to ignore it in favor of keeping the peace. So he shrugs in answer and leaves it at that.

But Kevin doesn't seem to think the same way and fixes him with a stare that cannot be described in any exact way except that it's the opposite of warm and caring. "Nick," his brother begins and common sense just tells him that the following words out of Kevin's mouth won't be pleasant. "I know that I kid around with Joe a lot about your Macy crush, but dude… I seriously hope you really honestly care about her. She's a sweet kid, you know?"

There's something in the way that his brother says the words, a slight tenderness almost desperately masked by concern, that makes his insides flip over twice. It's at the tip of his tongue to ask what Kevin really wants to tell him but (the very ridiculous) part of him knows that he doesn't want to hear it. Because Nick's getting (feeling) better and the only reason he can come up with is Macy and her rainbow-filled laughter. He's not going to give that up. Not even for his brother.

(Because he's far far far more broken can anyone can ever imagine. Or manage.)

Selfish. So aside from being insane, he is a selfish asshole. He can deal with that. (Because there are worse things such as being on the brink of just losing yourself.)

He gives Kevin a look that (hopefully) coveys his unwillingness to participate in the conversation. When his brother appears to be mollified he realizes that it might have been misconstrued as being offended by the statement. Offended is last on the list of Nick Lucas's possible reactions. But he wants the conversation over and he'll take what he can get.

Additional reinforcements arrive in the forms of Joe and Stella and he almost wants to throw his arms around them in a welcoming embrace. Only the possibility of arousing suspicion stops him and instead he leans back ask the warm interior of the automobile and closes his eyes. They make the trip to the firehouse in relative silence, sometimes punctuated by whispered conversation between the somewhat/kinda/maybe/not quite couple in the backseat. He thinks he hears his name a few times and some of those few times his name is appended to Macy's making them "Nick and Macy" or "Macy and Nick". He doesn't mention it, though. (Because then he might as well comment on Kevin's rather tense driving and that's just a whole can of worms that he doesn't want to open.)

He follows the group inside the house and the second he steps inside he's assaulted by the firing squad that is his mother. "Where's Macy?" she asks from the kitchen, knuckles deep in the makings of meatloaf. "She's coming over today, isn't she? Will she be having dinner with us?"

"Tuesday. Softball practice. Dunno." He doesn't even bother to stop as he answers and runs up to the room he shares with his brothers, feeling thoroughly exhausted despite being only half-alive.

Toeing off his leather shoes, he falls ungracefully into bed and buries his head into his pillow. Perhaps this is how he should spend the rest of his life. In bed. By himself. No sharp objects about. It's heaven. A paradise. His own little island. Except in comes Joe and he throws his schoolbag to the side, uncaring of the noise he's creating.

"Nick… You okay, man?" If only he had a dollar for every time someone asked him that question.

He doesn't bother answering his brother let alone actually turning to look at him. With the last vestiges of his energy, he manages to lift his hand and shoo Joe away. "Tired," he croaks before allowing himself to be consumed by dreamless slumber.

Poking. A constant and rather rhythmic jab to his side. That's what wakes him up. That and the soft voice that softly chants, "Wake up, Nick… Wake up, Nick…"

He sighs loudly and stretches as he rolls onto his back. There's some faint light coming from somewhere in the room and he blinks his eyes a couple of times to help them adjust. They begin to focus on a face that's looking down at him. Macy. She's smiling down at him with her damp hair rolling down her shoulders in dark waves, a few stray strands tickle his wrist. He doesn't realize that there's a question written on his face but she answers him in quiet tones as if he were still in the middle of peaceful sleep.

"Went home for a shower after practice and decided to come by for a bit. Stella said that Joe said that you might be feeling a bit under the weather so I figured I check in on you. Can't stay for dinner, though. Mom's kinda been freaking out about how much time I've been spending over here. It's annoying but then she's a mom and freaking out is their specialty…"

As she speaks, he pushes himself up until he's sitting and they're face to face. He gets a whiff of… apples? (Apples.) His stomach lurches in a telltale sign that he's hungry and needs some sort sustenance but what he does instead catches even him completely off-guard. Without warning, he leans forward leans his head against her shoulder, his lips hovering over the delicate pulse at her neck. He takes in a deep breath, almost to see how much of the apple scent he can inhale and when he exhales on her skin, he can feel her shiver.

He almost wants to laugh at how his actions has surprised her into freezing up and not breathing but she relaxes almost immediately and wraps an arm about his shoulders while the back of her free hand makes its way to his forehead. "You don't feel warm…"

"I'm not sick."

"Oh."

He exhales again and she answers with another shiver.

"Well, I should…"

It takes all of his willpower to just not wrap all his limbs around her to make her stay because he needs this. He needs to breathe in her apple-scented shampoo and see her berry-painted fingernails so that he can feel like he's coming closer to resembling something human (normal, Nick Lucas). Instead, he leans just that small inch forward, pressing his lips against that pulse point. She sighs oh so very softly.

(It's like a drug the way it shoots emotion throughout his body.)

At which point, she falls on top of him. At which point, her knee makes horrible and painful contact to a very sensitive part of his anatomy.

(There is a God. He's always known that but never as much as this moment in time.)

Curled into a ball of pain, he can feel Macy's fingers on his arm trying to soothe it all away along with her murmured apologies. He nods stiffly because that's all he can manage (the words are caught in his throat) and it takes several minutes for the ache to gentle down to a slight throb.

"This is so embarrassing… A thousand times more embarrassing than that time with the golf club…"

He manages to unfurl his body, finally lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling (which is technically the underside of his drum kit platform which he's doodled on over the years) with Macy's warm body beside him doing the same.

"Don't give yourself a heart attack, Mace. It was an accident."

"I know! But still!" There is wild gesturing as she says this. "Man, and I really thought I had gotten over the whole hurting JONAS thing! It's just that, I thought that you… I mean… I thought I felt… and then… I really… I don't know what happened!"

He bites his lower lip to keep from laughing at her obvious frustration. "You don't?" he asks and is totally unprepared for her to roll onto her side to stare him down.

"Why'd you do it?"

"Do what?"

(Yeah, he plays the innocent card. So what?)

"You know what."

He moves to face her, his hand between them lying a few inches away from the patch of skin of her abdomen that her shirt is failing to cover. It's the glint of the ring on his finger that makes him think.

(One of the things Nick things about is what God will do next because getting kneed in the groin was already pretty bad and he can just see this escalating. Getting hit by lightning perhaps?)

(Part of wants the lightning thing to happen. Maybe.)

"I don't know," he replies with as much eloquence as he can muster, then quickly adds, "I don't know why. Just… felt like doing it."

Macy seems to accept this explanation. Or so he assumes. At least, that's the vibe she's getting from her when she kisses the corner of his mouth.

"Why'd you do that?"

She shrugs and smiles at him (the one that has all her teeth on display) and he can almost forget what a jerk he is. He knows now that Macy likes him. Whether as Nick of JONAS or Nick Lucas, he doesn't really care (though, he's more inclined to believe that it's the latter and not the former). The fact pleases him immensely, more than it should and he feels his heart beating faster in his chest. He could tell himself that it's because he likes her so much but the truth is, he's getting nervous. From the moment he woke up until now, it's been a series of bad choices and he knows that his streak is far from over.

(He's honest to God—no, he's really not but he doesn't really care—using her right now and he hopes she knows that he is.)

The best option is to just get off the bed, bid Macy good night, watch her leave and then sit down to dinner with his family. Of course, he does the exact opposite. His innocent hand with the purity ring slowly inches its way toward her and backs of his fingers brush against her warm flesh. When she moans softly he knows that the smiles and the apples are obsolete. He wants her sighs and moans now and he doesn't even stop to think how that makes him sound.

(Asshole. Monster.)

His fingers move to her hip and he's drawing her closer to him with his arm, his hand now splayed against her back. But she's the one that starts kissing him, placing her soft lips on his and slipping her tongue inside his mouth when he groans. Desperately, he kisses her back and she bestows him her little sighs which he eats up as he pushes her against his pillows.

"I like you," she says between kisses.

He answers with a Nick of JONAS smile and that seems to please her, making her wrap her legs around his hips.

(He should get a defibrillator to jump start his heart. To make sure it's still there.)

It's when someone calls out, "Dinner" that they break apart and as Nick looks down at Macy with her swollen lips and flushed cheeks, her hair a mess on his pillow there's a stab of guilt somewhere in his gut but it's immediately followed by a downpour of pride. Only he makes her feel this way.

"Nick?" It's Kevin. He's standing a little behind the recording booth.

(He can see the heartbreak in his brother's eyes but he'll pretend that it's too dark to notice.)

"Are you staying for dinner, Mace?" Nick asks the girl whose thighs he's kneeling between.

(Asshole.)

He rewards her with a soft kiss.

(Monster.)

Author's Note:

First, thank you for the reviews. Much appreciated!

Second, I know this type of Nick won't go over well with the fandom. But it's a risk I'm willing to take!