RECOGNITION AND ACCEPTANCE
As he exited the elevator and turned the corner to approach the door of his loft, the sight provided the most complicated thing in his life.
As he approached Kate leaning against the wall beside his front door, she brought her head up from looking at the floor. As he got within reach of her she straightened her posture and looked directly into his eyes.
With an open hand she smacked his shoulder with considerable force. Falling backward from the blow, Rick could only watch as she walked past him toward the elevator, her eyes never leaving his as she softly spoke, "You are a fucking idiot."
Rick stood there leaning against the wall of the corridor trying to understand what had just taken place. He righted himself and moved down the hallway in an attempt to catch her before she entered the elevator. As he turned the corner the elevator doors were closing.
What have I done now? I apologized for my behavior. I told her that I wouldn't bother her anymore. I genuinely told her that I was happy for her and that I hoped that she was finding what she truly wanted. What had I missed? What is it I was supposed to do? What am I supposed to do now?
With all of these questions racing through his head, Rick returned to his front door and entered the loft. Martha and Alexis were scheduled to return home from the theatre and school around 3:00pm, and it was now just shortly after 2:30pm. He tossed his keys on the table beside the door and proceeded to the bar by the kitchen entrance. Pouring a substantial amount of bourbon into an ice cube filled glass, he crossed the living room and entered his study, closing the door behind him.
As Rick peered out the window at the neighborhood of his Tribeca residence, he began to suffer the onslaught of what is the bane of every male, especially one that had been given the gift of an overly creative imagination, visions. True visions of her kissing others, imagined visions of her love for another and projected visions of her making love to someone else. The alcohol was not nearly a strong enough antidote to remove their presence, or even ease the pain that was ripping his insides apart. The body's natural response to the suffering began to develop in his eyes and the ache in his head seemed to reverberate against the walls of his skull.
Rick slowly drifted from the window and reclined into his desk chair. From his chair he continued to gaze out the window, while at times closing his eyes to fight off the visions and stifle the tears. After what seemed like an eternity, he could hear the door of the loft open and close, and the shuffling of feet through the living room. Soon, a knock came at the door to the study.
"Richard, are you in there?" his mother queried.
After a slight pause, he replied, "Yes Mother, you can come in."
Walking in to the somewhat darkened room, Martha and Alexis encountered the sullen figure of their son and father slumped in the chair behind his desk. Alexis was the first to speak.
"Dad, what's going on? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine pumpkin. Just thinking about a few things. How was school today?"
"School was fine, but that is hardly of any importance right at the moment."
As the two moved closer to the desk, they both could easily determine the fact that Rick had been crying and his body language easily displayed his state of resignation. "Richard, darling, did something happen?" Martha questioned.
In an attempt to hold off the inevitable need to offer an explanation, Rick tried to state in a lighthearted manner, "Just contemplating my navel, I guess."
"Dad, quit that. Quit trying to hide behind one liners, or retreating into yourself. I hate it when you do that. If there is something wrong just tell us. Did something happen with Kate?"
"Why would you ask that?" he said as he moved out of his chair and back to the window.
"Oh, Richard, please. There isn't anyone that can effect you this much other than Kate."
As he turned to face them he asked, "What about Gina. I've been seeing her off and on for a while now. Why wouldn't you ask about her?"
In the span of less than an hour, a second female struck him in the shoulder with her open hand. "QUIT IT, Dad. Grams and I are not stupid. Just because you are blind, or choose to be blind about what is so painfully obvious between you and Kate, doesn't mean the rest of us are. Now, what happened?"
"I...uh...Kate is...uh...involved with someone at the moment. We were talking, or bantering, or whatever, and before I knew about that involvement I was overly glib in some of my comments. Then she revealed the depth of her relationship with this person, and it...uh...crushed me. Then she directed a comment toward me that...uh...coupled with the first revelation caused additional pain. I shouldn't have said the things I did, and I have no right to be jealous, but I was, I am."
"After we had finished the business that we were doing, I took her aside and apologized for what I had done. I told her that I was sorry, and I also revealed that I was...uh...jealous. I told her, as well, that I had no right to be, and that I was apparently not handling this feeling very well. I apologized for that failure, and told her that it would probably be best that I stay away for awhile until I was better equipped to handle my feelings and thus be better prepared to interact with her. I guess I did throw in there somewhere that the jealousy was the outgrowth of how much I loved her and wanted her, likely another thing that I should not have said."
Martha started to interject, "Well...
"Please, Mother let me finish while I can. Kate didn't say anything during all of this, and I didn't return with her to the precinct. Knowing what I felt at that moment, I knew that I had to take care of another situation."
"Mother, you said that you may have made a lot of mistakes in your life, but at least you had raised a good man. Well, I failed to live up to those words earlier today, and I tried to make amends with Kate, and then I went to deal with my relationship with Gina. I met with Gina and told her that I was not being fair to her regarding trying to rekindle some form of personal relationship when all of my thoughts and feelings revolved around someone else. I ended any personal relationship with her, but maintained our professional one. It's was odd to me, I guess not to you two, that she brought up Kate as well. I told her that I wasn't doing this because I was about to start a relationship with Kate, because I have no evidence that Kate would ever want me, and in fact she was already involved with someone else."
"Richard, sweetheart, I'm sorry. You and Kate may be the epitome of star crossed lovers, and I understand how this is hurting you. Don't be foolish and think that you are not a good man because you make a mistake here and there. I never said I raised a perfect man because none of us is perfect. I also can't tell you that this will all sort itself out because life is simply not fair. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm proud that you didn't shrink from the responsibility you felt that you had, and did something about it."
"Daddy, I love you. I love Kate, just like Grams does. I know enough to know that my discovery with Ashley may indeed be puppy love, but when it is the first time it seems to be a whole lot more. I can't imagine what it is like to be a full grown adult and have to deal with what the two of you deal with. It is obviously hard on you, but I wouldn't doubt that it is hard for Kate as well."
Contemplating his daughter's words, Rick stated, "I guess that is just one of the things that I don't understand. First, why aren't you dealing with the Gina factor as much as the Kate factor? Second, I understand how you would love Kate, she is an incredible woman deserving of your love, but she has never given me any reason to believe that she loves and wants me, you make it seem that she has told you that she does. And third, and this is something I really don't understand, when I came back home after meeting with Gina, Kate was waiting by our front door. When I approached her, she smacked me in the shoulder just like you just did, Alexis, and looked me right in the eye and told me I was a...uh...a...
"A what, Dad?"
"Well, she said I was an effing idiot, and then she walked away."
"It's just a word, Dad. I don't use it, but it doesn't mean that I haven't heard it."
"Kiddo, let me tell you something. You are a grown man. It is not the business of Alexis and me to tell you who you can be involved with. If you try to force someone on us I'm sure that we would give you feedback, but ultimately it is going to be your decision. Gina is a fine woman, but you have already answered your own question as to what really means something to you, and that is Kate. As far as I know, Kate has never directly said to us that she loves and wants you. However, the eyes are the window to the soul. Those green eyes are filled with emotion for you. If the two of you would just get out of your own way you both could see it. And lastly, your daughter didn't smack you because she was trying to cause harm, or rebelling physically against her father, she wanted you to know that she loved you and she wanted you to open up to her so she could help alleviate the pain that you are in right now. Perhaps what you did with Kate today made her realize how much she meant to you and her response was to let you know that you were an effing idiot if you thought that she couldn't possibly think the same way about you."
Figuratively throwing up his hands, Rick responded, "That's just not possible. How the hell am I supposed to figure that out? Alexis I told you the other night that I agreed that love is a difficult thing to deal with, but come on I haven't got a chance in trying to figure that kind of thing out, and I deal with mysteries everyday."
At that moment, Rick's cell phone chimed. He took it from his pocket and the caller id signified that Kate was calling. He tossed the phone on his desk and turned back to the window.
Alexis asked, "Whose calling?"
"It's Kate."
"Well, answer it."
"And do what? I tried to do everything that would handle what happened today, what else can I possibly do but dig myself into another hole?"
The phone had quit chiming, but was replaced by a ding that signified an incoming text message. A message from Kate.
Answer your damn phone.
Moments later the phoned chimed again.
"Come on Alexis let's go see about dinner. Richard, answer the damn phone."
Reluctantly, Rick returned to sit at his desk and answered his phone, "Hello."
"It's me. Why didn't you answer the first time?"
"Maybe it's because I'm a fucking idiot."
"If that were the case, you would have never answered any of my other calls over the past two years."
"Alright, just tell me what I've done now and I'll try to make it right."
"God, if I didn't love Alexis so much I would kill you right now. Just get your ass over here."
"Over where?"
"I'm at my apartment."
"Why am I supposed to come to your apartment?"
"Because I would like for us to talk, and I don't want to come back over there while Alexis and Martha are around."
"Not that I have understood anything else today, but I don't know what I can say that I already haven't said. I'm sorry for how I acted. I apologize. I won't bother you any more. What else can I do."
"You can get your ass over here, that's what you can do."
"I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?"
"Because I can't."
"Why can't you?"
"Because I...uh...don't know where you live."