Disclaimer: I do not own Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Simon: Good morning everybody! Thank you for watching this first airing of my new Q & A show. You can ask me a question about anything, as long as it's appropriate and within my ability to answer. I've got this equation on the board here that I am working on; you are free to ask me a question about that as well. This show shall air at 8:00 AM in Pacific Time every Saturday morning. I specifically selected that particular time slot to prevent Alvin from crashing the show, because Alvin would never get up that early on a Saturday. (snickers)
Alvin: Good morning beautiful people!
Simon: Alvin! You're supposed to be in bed! Since when are you this bright and chipper at 8 in the morning?
Alvin: And miss a public appearance to answer questions of my adoring fans? Not for the world!
Simon: This is a show were I receive questions from my adoring fans.
Alvin: (laughs) What adoring fans?
Simon: Remember what a fiasco your last Q & A show was?
Alvin: Ummm…. Not really.
Simon: (sighs) OK. Without further ado, I am logging on to my computer right now to answer some of the emails my fans have sent.
Munk19 asks:
Hey Simon! I notice you and Alvin don't always agree with things or get along. However, most of the time you do. How do you truly feel about Alvin being your brother?
Simon: Ummm…
Alvin: He absolutely adores having me as a brother!
Simon: I am the one answering the questions! Well, Alvin is not very compatible as a brother for someone like me. He has held me back in terms of my development as a scientist and inventor, and he has gotten me into trouble for countless things I would never otherwise have thought of doing.
Alvin: Don't blame me! I didn't twist your arm and make you do those things!
Simon: Yes, as a matter of fact, he got down on his knees and begged me most of the time.
(audience laughs)
Alvin: Hey!
Simon: And I consent only because he would agree to pay me or do my chores for a month or something like that. Of course, there are those things that he wants to do that are so wrong that no amount of bribing will get me to help him. But I refuse to squeal on my brother – he is, after all, my brother. Besides, if I try to interfere with his schemes, he will never learn. He has to learn the hard way, and the only way that can happen is when his scheme falls flat on its face.
(audience roars with laughter)
Alvin: Well, I don't think it's very funny!
Simon: On to the next question!
madeline2011 asks:
hi Simon how was it like see your mother again?
and how is your relationship with Jeanette going?and are your the oldse of your Brother? and did you felt going "Back to Dave's Future and did;t Alvin really hit his head when you 3 fell off the merry-go-round? I want to know?
from Madeline2011 and ps tell Alvin I m his big fan and would like to met him one day ok?
Alvin: Yes!
Simon: Words cannot describe how wonderful it was to see my mother again. She was a little old-fashioned, to be sure, and she wasn't an Ivy League scholar like I hoped she would be, but I loved her just the same. (wipes tear from eye) As for my relationship with Jeanette, well, we are doing very well, to tell you the truth. We are extremely compatible in terms of personality and interest, and Jeanette is, well, crazy over me. We already know that we are going to get married in the future, for richer or for poorer, from looking into my time machine. But right now, we are taking things reeeal slow. Alvin and Brittany, on the other hand…
Alvin: Alright! On to the next question! (laughs sheepishly)
Simon: Good idea. Better to keep this program G-rated, after all. As for the going back to Dave's future, well, I don't really remember much about what happened as a result of that. Time-travel paradoxes can have a funny effect on your memory. For instance, I remember a time when Dave was allergic to dogs, and I also recall a time afterwards when Dave said he was never allergic to dogs. Also, his parents are farmers, but when I went back in time, they were accountants. The use of my time machine, not to mention Alvin's fooling around with my experimental inventions, has created ripple effects such as these, and I am currently trying to figure out how they work. If I manage to do that, I could be able to figure out what other memories I lost that happened but were changed to never happen. So far, the effects of distortions on the time-space continuum seem to be unpredictable and chaotic. If you take a look at the temporal dynamics equation I am currently investing my time in-
Alvin: Nobody wants to hear about your boring tempo-dynamodiddly math equation!
Simon: There is nothing boring about temporal dynamics!
Alvin: Believe me, it's quite boring when you don't understand 100th grade level math!
Simon: Well, anyway, yes, Alvin really did bump his head from falling off the merry-go-round. If he would remove his cap to show us the enormous goose egg he still has… Alvin?
Alvin: No way! (pulls cap tightly over head)
Simon: Very well. By the way, Madeline2011, I wouldn't get your hopes up on meeting Alvin one day. He doesn't even answer all his fan mail.
Alvin: That's because there's so much of it!
Simon: Two or three letters on average per week. He tired out of reading them a long time ago. He places them straight into the shredder. Anyway, on to the next fan's question!
The Chipette Protector asks:
Hey Simon!
What would u do if u meet a chipmunk who claimed to be ur Dark Counterpart from an Alternate World?
Simon: I am still doing research on alternate worlds. How I would respond to my counterpart from a parallel universe, assuming he was dark as you believe he would be, would depend on whether he was my doppelganger or my polar opposite in terms of intellect and personality, and, more importantly, on whether or not he was made of antimatter or not. If he were made of antimatter, I could simply throw rocks at him and the protons and electrons in the rocks would annihilate along with some of the positrons and antiprotons in his body and destroy him. The gamma ray burst that would result would be catastrophic, however. Next question is…
Rosa Laevigata asks:
How is it dealing with Alvin's schemes when it looks like it's impossible to find the solution?
Simon: Despite my, ahem, gifts, dealing with a problem child like Alvin is not easy. As I mentioned earlier, I usually allow him to suffer from the consequences of his actions, even if it means that I suffer as well. I do advise him, but it too often falls upon deaf ears. Alvin doesn't listen to reason, but he has a big heart that prevents him from doing anything too crazy. Well, it looks like we're out of questions for this week!
Alvin: That's because you don't have very many fans!
Simon: But we have plenty of time to accept questions from the audience!
(audience members raise hands)
Simon: (points to young woman in front row) How about you! Your name?
Audience Member: (swoons with excitement) My name is Sherry, and I have been dying to ask you this: Remember when you were on the game show "Genius in the House"? Just before the Brain Busters round, you were carried off to the Isolation Booth by a person dressed in an "I" costume and a person dressed in a "Q" costume, and the "Q" costume didn't make sense, it was like the person wearing it had a big hole in the center of his or her body! Would you mind telling me how that is possible? Speaking of which, what is your IQ?
Simon: (blushes) Well, I have been asking myself that question for quite some time now. So far, I've come up with two theories. One is that they were robots rather than people dressed in costumes. The other theory is that an illusory trick like the kind commonly used in performances of prestidigitation was used to make a hole appear to be where the human's torso should me. I lean more towards the first theory, for the costumes both lacked eyeholes, so neither of them made sense as a human being. As for your other question, well…
Alvin: His IQ is 300!
Simon: It most certainly is not!
Alvin: He's right. It's much higher!
Simon: Um, well, according to a reliable computer source, my IQ is "just north of Einstein", and Einstein's IQ was rumored to be about 160. As for mine, well…
Alvin: He just doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want to sound like a braggy showoffy smartypants!
Simon: If you want to put it that way… Well, anyway, that concludes this week's show!
Alvin: And what a boring show it was…
Hope you enjoyed this first installment of "Ask Simon"! Please tell me how you liked it, and submit lots more questions in the reviews for next week!