AN: To answer some questions I have been asked: this might not seem like it from the beginning, but this is a Jolie fic, although more specifically a Jolie 'torture' fic. I wanted to write something where John had his brains back and Natalie had the ability to save herself. It's not in x-over because it's going to be multi-fandom because of the list that Asa left Natalie. The focus will of course, be on how far a person would go for love and family? How many layers are there to love and the psychological effects of the lengths one would go to to protect those they love and how far they'd go to protect themselves and family and when it comes down to it, what is the biggest motivation, love or fear?

Chapter 2

I Love You, Goodbye

"Natalie, you can't just pack up and stay at John's. It's not going to change anything," Jessica tried to reason with her sister as she sat on Natalie's bed at Landfair, a hand on her bulging stomach as she felt her baby kick and a soft smile came over her face.

"I feel closer to him there," Natalie shrugged off as she continued to fold her clothes and put them in her suitcases.

Jessica sighed: "he's the only one they haven't found, Natty. You have to face the fact that …"

"That what? He's not coming back?" Natalie asked as she pushed to her feet and moved to the closet: "that's what they said about Chris and John the last time and look what happened!"

"Natalie," Jessica started condescendingly.

"Don't! No one told you how to react to losing Nash. They all let you grieve how you saw fit, so don't you dare tell me how I should be handling this!"

"Natalie, your sister is just worried about you," Clint said from the doorway. "We all are, and talking to her like that isn't good for her blood pressure or your future niece or nephew."

"Oh, and its ok for all of you to try to micromanage me and raise my blood pressure and risk my child, right?" Natalie asked angrily as she crossed back to the bed with more clothes.

Clint sighed, "Jessie, go on back to your room. Get some rest. I'll talk to Natalie," he said authoritatively as his red headed daughter as she crossed back to his bed.

"All right Daddy," Jessica said, relief evident in her voice that she wouldn't have to be the voice of reason to her sister anymore.

Natalie ignored her sister as she started to pack the few pieces of jewelry she wanted to take with her: "Natalie your pregnancy was going fine till now."

"Was it?" Natalie wondered as she moved to the bed and collapsed onto it tiredly. "I thought talking to you would help. Now I'm not sure."

"Honey, we all want what's best for you. I heard what Brody offered to do for you and your baby. He's a good man," Clint told her.

Natalie laughed with slight hysteria: "did he tell you the real reason for it? Tell me will you send Mr. Black and Mr. Blue after him for me?"

Clint frowned at her implications: "what are you implying?" he asked her.

Sighing, Natalie looked her father straight in the eyes, hers shining with unspoken pain: "Close the door, Clint. I made a promise that I intend to keep, even if he hasn't."

"Natalie?" Clint asked closing the door and turning towards her.

Inhaling, she started the only way she could. Her shame causing her to look down at the hands she had folded in her lap and was now nervously twisting as she seemed to close in on herself, her hair falling forward to almost envelop her as her words poured out: "Marty hid a letter I wrote to John telling him how I felt. That I loved him and I would wait for him if he still loved and wanted me, even if he stayed with Marty because of the baby.
I told him how I would always love him.
Always did." Sighing, she lifted her hands to nervously push the hair back from her face, forcing it into a ponytail that she transferred from one hand to the other as she continued her confession: "Anyway, he didn't show at Rodi's because she had intercepted the letter. I had a driver because if John didn't show I didn't plan on staying in Landview. I was going to go to London.

Roxy convinced me to go see him because I left," she said dropping her hands and looking at her father: "I guess she had more faith in him at that point then me. Said he wouldn't have just not come if he read the letter and knew how I felt; not after what had happened on the mountain.
So I went to the station.
When I got there he and Marty were kissing.
So I just walked away.
I thought she was what he wanted and I felt so discarded.
I drank more in the car. Was wasted by the time I went to see Brody…"

"Natalie you didn't!" Clint said with a touch of anger.

"Right.
I forgot, it has to be my fault. I knew I shouldn't have said anything to anyone…" Natalie started sadly, unconsciously shifting her body so she was no longer facing her father.

Clint shook his head as he categorized her response to his harsh words: "it was a knee jerk reaction. I'm used to protecting Jessie. She was taken advantage of that night by Ford."

"I try to tell myself that it was comfort sex.
Didn't matter.
Then Jess and I both got pregnant…"

Clint exhaled the breathe he didn't realize he had been holding: "and Brody could be the father?"

"The odds are against it," Natalie laughed slightly as her gaze reached her father's. In her eyes he saw all her anxiety and a need he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to fill: "I've run the odds over and over again. John and I were exactly careful all the time. I mean I know this isn't something a girl tells her father," she continued over another, now awkward laugh: "Brody used something.
That I kinda remember."

"Kinda remember?" Clint asked as he went to sit next to her.

"I was drunk off my ass, Dad," Natalie admitted. "And hurting. So he was he. At least the hurting part. He'd been drinking, but was more sober than I was…"

"You could've…" Clint started then shook his head. "Why didn't you say something?"
"What was there to say? We were afraid of what it would do to Jessica at first. I even considered…" Natalie stopped short.

"If you're so sure it's John's why consider abortion?" Clint asked gently, wanting to understand what was going on in his daughter's head.

Natalie shrugged: "since when does what I want, or my happiness for that matter count? You reaction proves that it doesn't.
Brody is going to find away to steal my baby.
I know it.
He's been harassing me ever since Jessica got her results back. I won't take the test. I know the risks to my baby and I don't need the same information for my child's health and life that she did.
Brody took advantage of me that night.
He's taken advantage of my love for Jess and even my fear…"

"You're what? Fear of her?" Clint wondered, purposely keeping his tone soft so she would close up on him again. "You can't be afraid of her still, not as Jessica."

"Right.
Can't admit I'm afraid of my ever so loving sister who tried to kill me," she said with a roll of her eyes as she forced herself to look Clint in the eyes and ask the hard questions that were haunting her, even as she wondered if she had the right to: "What if Tess comes out over this? What if something happens to Jess's baby again, but mine is healthy? You think I haven't run those scenarios over and over again in my head? Seen them play out in my nightmares?"

"Natalie…"

"He told Marty," Natalie blurted out, gaining momentum now that most of the story and her fears were out: "She's going to use it against me somehow because I proved she didn't shoot Eli and Cole did.
I finally got that abusive SOB put in jail and it wasn't out of some sort of vendetta like Nora with Todd. It was the science. Marty didn't have the sense to shoot the gun herself so that prints would be on it and residue on her. Really, you watch any crime show and you know that much!
He walked on roughing up Star and coming close to raping her at that party when they first met.
On shooting Miles.
On putting Matthew in a wheelchair.
He never paid for almost getting Star and Hope killed because of his drug use and deals.
There's his whole involvement with Hannah, which was apparently OK, even though he gave Star hell for her friendship with James. OK even though she was after my cousin and her baby- his daughter- - and would've killed Star.
But now… Now Marty's blaming me even though I had him dead to rights…
Brody has the perfect person to change any results for any test I take and then get his hands on my baby and that's ok?"

"Marty's putting on an act, she's scared for her son."

"No. She wants John.
That's why she kept the letter.
That's why she lied about me pushing her down the stairs and causing her miscarriage.
I think it might even be why she picked all those fights with me in public. She must have known she wasn't going to be able to have that baby. She had those scares… and if she lost it because we have a verbal altercation she could blame me for it.

You know I never raised a hand to her. I wanted too… so many times I just wanted to haul off and wipe that smug look of her face, but I didn't. She was pregnant and I wouldn't hit a pregnant woman. But that didn't matter to her. She hit me.
Hit me for doing my job…"

"She what?"

"There's more… I… my focus in forensics was psychology. She didn't treat Jess right after the mountain."

"Natalie…"

"I sent Jess's records to a specialist in the field… Dr. Wong in NY… he's with the SVU there… FBI clearance… I blacked out her name… he said what I thought…. That teenage Jess could've been another personality. A safe one from before Meghan… before Will… When she felt safe. Brody forcing her to remember…. This could be the real Jessica" Natalie let her voice drop off, then forced herself to continue letting the implication be unsaid: "Teen Jess being just the manifestation of amnesia is considered highly unlikely."

Clint couldn't help but glare at his daughter: "why are you being so petty? Who are you trying to hurt? How do you think that changes what you did?"

"A drunken one night stand while we were both single is the best way of spinning it.
Worse: my sister's fiancé is all but stalking me because he can't deal with the fact that the night he took advantage of me -the so called love of his life's sister in an inebriated state- she willingly slept with someone else. She willingly went to someone else's bed like she always does when she can't handle the stress of the man in her life or his so called rejections."

"Natalie your sister…"

"Went from wanting to be with Chris to getting knocked up by Will. From Antonio's bed to Tico's. Back to Antonio's then to Nash's and god knows how many in between. Then there was her affair with Nash behind Antonio's back that put Jamie in the hospital. Now from wanting Chris to using Brody to Ford's bed? I might take her sloppy seconds- even Jared, but damn it I do not sleep around!" Natalie threw back in his face angrily: "And I'm damned tired of her illness being the reason she doesn't have to face anything.
I try to protect her and I'm faced with losing everything.
I might have already lost John, I know that at some point I might have to deal with that. But in my heart I know he's alive and fighting to come back to me and our baby!
I won't be dictated to on how to grieve this time and I sure as hell won't let Brody and Jess steal our baby!"

"If the baby is…" Clint tried to reason with her.

"It isn't! The dates don't fit. My doctor moved my due date back. How can it be Brody's if I'm due almost four weeks later then she is? We'd have the same or close to the same date if he was the father."

"Does Brody know this?"

"It's like with Shane. He knows, but he doesn't care. In his mind this is and has to be his baby since Jessica's wasn't. There's no other possibility for him."

Clint exhaled: "there's not much I can do…."

"You mean without Jessie finding out?"

"What do you want me to do, Natalie?"

"I don't know… I thought maybe for once you'd keep that promise you made to me at the airport when we first met. But you're not that man. You'll never put me first.
Maybe you weren't ever that man. Not the one I made you out to be in my mind. Tall and strong like Grandpa with shoulders to carry all my problems along with the rest of the family's…."

"It's not that black and white, Natalie, and you know it."

"Of course it is," Natalie contradicted him. "She's the daughter you raised. I'm nothing but the interloper who showed up one day and ruined your family.
The only child you thought was yours by blood and got to raise was the daughter of a mad man and your daughter was nothing but trash."

"You are not trash. You never have been."

"The only people who didn't think so were Grandpa and Ben. I had to convince all the rest of you."

Clint looked at her- really looked at her for the first time in a long time- and felt sadness overwhelm him along with a touch of guilt: "it would be nice if you could convince yourself of the same thing," he told her as he tiredly rose to his feet. "You made a good life for yourself. I don't want to see you throw it away. In fact, I won't allow it."

"And how are you going to stop it? Like you said, you can't do anything to Brody or Jess will know. Nora will always protect Marty. Hell, she's trying to figure out how to get Cole off of a murder rap as we speak."

"I have ways to deal with that," Clint replied, thinking of ways she could use Inez to get information or destroy his annoyance of an ex-wife.

"And in the meantime, I do what? Give in and move in here?"

"You could move in with me," Clint suggested gently.

Natalie shook her head: "they'd still have too much access. And that doesn't ease my other fears."

"Like?" Clint prodded, concerned what unknown demons that chased her.

"What if Mitch knows?"

"Natalie, there's no way that monster knows or could get to you," he tried to reassure.

"He knows everything! He has people everywhere. Even before John disappeared I was afraid that Mitch would somehow rear his head and steal my baby from me the same way that he took me. I'd wake up screaming and shaking… and John… John was so good about it. He promised we'd come up with a plan.
We never got that chance," she admitted, tears coming to her eyes.

Sitting next to her, Clint pulled her to him and let her cry out her pain into his shoulder. "Tell me what you from, Natalie.
I'm not a mind reader and I'll admit that I'm not as good at reading you as I am at reading your sister, but someday I hope to be. But I can only do that if you let me in."

Sniffling, Natalie raised her head and pulled away from him: "I need to leave town for a while. Can you help me do that? Keep everyone off of my back for a while?"

"Is that safe for you and the baby?"

"Yeah. I cleared it with the doctor. I was thinking of going to the ranch…"

Clint smiled at that: "There will be plenty of people there to watch out for you and I'll come stay with you on the weekends so that your mother won't worry so much… maybe stay a few days depending on what's going on at BE."

"I'd like that," Natalie admitted with a smile.

Clint around the room: "you can't be planning on taking all of this with you. Staying that long?"

"No. Most of the stuff I'm taking is packed and at the apartment. There's only a couple of suitcases here that I'll actually take. They'll go with me to the apartment first."

"And the others?"

"Are going to charity. With all the weight I've gained I don't think I'll fit into most of it after the baby's born, or will want to wear it. Not really 'mom gear.'
It's all marked. Can you make sure it gets to the charities? And the rest of my stuff gets packed to go there too. I took everything I wanted- well except the photo albums and scrapbooks. Those can till I come back and figure out my living situation."

"Sure. I'll even carry your bags to the car," Clint replied with a bit of a smile as he rose to his feet.

"What a gentleman," she shot back with a teasing glint in her eyes as he helped her to her feet.

Clint's smile widen: "I try. And I promise to try harder to be what you need me to be."

"I only wish I was what you needed me to be."

"You always have been, Natalie."

Natalie shook her head in disbelief: "I'm sorry if you feel I put your sister before you. But she's so fragile and you've always seemed so strong. Now I see that there have been times when you needed us more than we knew. I just wish you had reached out to us… then again, maybe you did and we just didn't realize it," Clint admitted to her. "I also wish with all of my heart that I had known you were out that, darlin'," he continued as he wiped a tear off of her cheek. "If I had known, I wouldn't have given up until you were with us again. I would have moved heaven and earth to find you and give you the life you deserved."

"Can you understand how I want to give that to my baby?"

"I understand. And I'll figure out a way to make Brody pay for hurting both of my girls.

Now, let's get you back to your apartment. You look like you're about to drop."

"I am tired," she admitted. "But I still have to go food shopping."

"I'll stay with you and we can order dinner when you wake up. That way when- if - you have any of those nightmares, you'll have someone there to chase them away."

"They're not the same now.

Now he takes the baby and John and I'm left all alone."

"If John's out there we'll find him. Your uncle won't give up on him and neither will I, not as long as you don't want us to."

"Then promise me you'll never stop looking for him. No matter what happens to me, never give up on him," Natalie all but begged, clasping tight to the hope he was extending her.

"Natalie!" Clint chided, shocked not only by her wording, but her fierce reaction.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," she reassured, realizing how she must seem to him. "Chalk this up to the tiredness and the nightmares… or the hormones… or I don't even know," she continued franticly as she ran her hands through her hair. "I'm afraid that Mitch or Brody or … or someone that I helped to put away or someone that John did will get to me before we find John… I want him found so that he gets to see and raise our child…"

"And in the meantime? If something did happen to you? Then what?" Clint asked, worried at how far to the darkness her thoughts had drifted.

"Brody can NEVER get his hands on my baby. I've talked to Tea already. If anything happens to me then Kevin will get custody of the baby until John is found. It was something John and I had talked about… I mean, making arrangements for Kevin to be the baby's guardian… I just couldn't let it be Mike and Marci after what she did to Mom."

Clint shook his head: "just the fact that you thought of that…"

"I'm named as guardian for Bre and Jamie," Natalie reminded him. "What with John being a cop and me working in forensics… although, Dad, I have to admit, it's hard going into the station every day now that he's not there…" she added shifting gears.

"Brody?" Clint wondered as he picked up a couple of her bags, deciding he would call Lois to make sure the others found their way to her apartment.

"Partly. I just… we worked really close together and I expect to see him around every corner. Besides the hours are going to be hell and unpredictable, not the best thing for a new mom, never mind a single one," she admitted as they headed towards the door.

"Want to come back to work at BE?"

"Yeah."

"I'd like having you around again. We'll make some changes to the set up. Put your office next to mine. Add a crib and whatever else the baby would need for when you have to be there, otherwise you could work from the house."

Natalie smiled as they started down the stairs: "sounds like a plan."

"Yeah it does," he said as they reached the bottom of the staircase and he put down her suitcases: "Now," he continued as he put his hands on her shoulders: "I'm driving you home."

"But my car…"

"I'll have someone get it for you, as well as the rest of your things."

Natalie smiled at him sadly as her mind wandered over the weeks to come and what she knew had to be done to protect herself and her baby and silently mourned the fact that she and her father hadn't reached this understanding earlier: "I'm glad you'll be there to take care of me tonight."

"Not just tonight, Natalie. A dad's for always," he smiled. "That's what we're for," he added, not realizing that they had been overheard….