Hi! Thank-you so much for reading and reviewing :) To the guest who suggested something, thank you! I have taken what you've said into account, and now I have a whole story planned out, if you guys will read it! To EmmelineKeystone, thank you! It makes me feel really motivated when people like you say such lovely things :D
Well, here's the next installment of 'Dear James,', please enjoy, and review!
Disclaimer: Unless J.K. Rowling studies Macbeth and has a slightly unnatural obsession with an actor named 'Kashmir Sinnamon', then I am not her.
Dear James,
How are you? How has your day been? Gosh, I'm pathetic. I'm writing to you as if you're actually going to read this! And I even have the nerve to ask a question, as if you're going to reply! I really am sad, aren't I?
So, if you haven't already guessed, I didn't give you the last letter. I assume you know that though, because if I did I wouldn't be writing another one. Though this time, I really did almost give it to you. I was so close to handing you the letter it was incredible. I had so much courage, I was going to hand you the letter and walk off, but I didn't. Just in case you don't remember, this is how it went:
"James!" That was me, I said it really excitedly, and I had to act normal because you'd just come back from Quidditch. You still had you're robes on and everything, it was very attractive.
"Hey, Lily. How are you?" You smiled like you didn't know the effect you had on me. I almost collapsed but with last minute thinking I leaned on the edge of my desk.
"I'm alright, you?" I tried to make myself look seductive, but I ended up tripping and falling to the floor. It was the most embarrassing thing that I have ever experienced. I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me.
Being the gentle man you are, you dropped to the floor to see if I was alright. I had closed my eyes, hoping to be swallowed up, and you leaned you're face right on top of mine. I could feel your breath on my face and butterflies decided to do a tango in my stomach. I didn't want to open my eyes, in fear that you'd move away, because I liked how that was. You had your arms on either aide of my body, your face inches from mine. If I had the nerve to kiss you, I could have.
"Lily, are you alright?" You asked, after a sufficient time had past. Just enough time that it was a perfect moment, but not too much so that it was awkward. You have always had perfect timing. Even when we were in first year, and you poured chocolate sauce on me. You timed it perfectly so that the sauce dripped evenly all over my body. For someone who doesn't make plans, you are incredibly precise.
"I, I'm fine." I stuttered, I opened my eyes and realized you were closer than what I'd thought. You stayed there looking into my eyes, for what seemed longer than necessary, before speaking again.
"How can you possibly manage to trip over when you're stationary?" You asked. You always sound so smart James, even when you're teasing me, or when you make no sense at all. You always sound like you know what you're saying. There has been few times when I've seen you stumble or stutter. In fact, there's probably only been one time and that was when your parents died. So it would make sense that you couldn't form sentences. I couldn't either, when my parents died.
I stayed staring into your eyes for a while, knowing I should answer but not wanting too. What ever I would have said, would cause you to get up and help me up and I didn't want that. Time past, and finally I worked up some courage.
"James, I..." I stopped half way through the sentence. You raised one of your eyebrows, a look that I know better than the back of my hand. There are two times when you raise your eye brow, one, if you're really listening to someone, and you want then to continue. And two, if you're amused by something, or questioning something. You can pull that face when you're serious and when you're not, so in that moment I was so confused. Were you serious or joking?
"James, I, I was wondering if you could help me with my Charms essay." I blurt out and that's were the courage ends. You looked at me funny, before smiling sadly. I was so sure you'd hoped that my message was going to be interesting. You told me you'd help me, and we made a time. While we were organizing when to meet up, we both seemed out of it. I couldn't help but think about how much of a chicken I am, and how much I had wished I had used my moment to my advantage instead of asking for help on an essay I'd already finished. But I couldn't tell you why you were out of it, you had that pensive look on your face, and even though you were happy to help, something seemed to hold you back. Oh, what I wouldn't give to know what you were thinking in that moment.
Of course, you were probably thinking 'What a loser, can't even talk properly', I know that's what I would have been thinking in that situation. But then if I was in your body, I wouldn't waste my time thinking. I'd go up and snog me, so that I wouldn't have to snog you. Does that make any sense? It did in my head. It wouldn't seem out of place for you to admit you have feelings for me, but for me to admit I like you? That would be like the end of the world.
But I think the end of the world is coming soon anyway. What with Voldemort out and everything. I mean, for me, the world sort of has ended. He's killed both my parents, and now I'm left with a sister that hates me. So for me, when this year ends, and I have to leave Hogwarts, my world has ended. I'm not sure what it's like for you. I mean, you've also lost both your parents. It must be hard, being an only child. Of course, I don't understand what it must be like to lose your whole family, but I think that when my parents died, I lost Petunia. So even though she's not dead, I've lost her. Funny, isn't it? That we have similar situations. If I told you that my parents were dead, you'd understand. You'd be one of the only people who would understand.
But I won't tell you. I won't tell you my parents have died like I won't give you this letter, like I won't tell you I love you, like I won't get to kiss you before graduation. Saying that makes me feel incredibly sad, I mean, why can't I kiss you? It's not like it would mean anything. Of course, it would to me. But if you hate me, then you could just push me away, and never speak to me again and then at least I would have kissed you. Of course, I've imagined kissing you, I've imagined loads of times. Every time you bite your lips I imagine you kissing me. So really, almost every minute I imagine your lips caressing mine, your hands knotted in my hair. And every minute I tell my self off for thinking such thoughts that could only ever lead me to trouble.
Now, I'll talk about how easy it is to walk up and kiss you, but I never could do it. I don't want to risk our friendship, I value it, and you, too much. That's why I won't tell you I love you, because I'm so afraid of losing you. Because as mad as it seems, I would much rather live my life next to you as a friend than never speak to you again. I'm such a coward, but if you could just know how I feel, even for a second, you'd understand. But you'll never know, so you'll never understand and my whole life is turning into a big circle and events just keep repeating until I can predict everything that's going to happen. Sad, isn't it?
Well, I should get back to my Transfiguration questions. They've been glaring at me for a couple of hours while I procrastinate and write this letter, so I better finish them off. Tonight I'm going to go to bed early, I've decided. I don't want to spend anymore time with you, in fear of doing something drastic and uncalled for, like tell you I love you. It's getting harder and harder to keep it a secret as I get closer to you. Because now, I tell you everything, you know more about me than Hestia and Alice, and because I tell you all my secrets, I feel I should tell you one this too.
I really am a hopeless wreck, aren't I?
Yours truly
Lily xoxo
What do you think? I hope you enjoyed it, and if you did enjoy it, give me a review and I might just post another chapter :) Ok, I won't lie, one review and I'll probably post 100 more chapters! x