Disclaimer: I do not own any plots/characters/ideas from Harry Potter, Fruits Basket, Lord of the Rings, etc…unfortunately.
The Devilish Trio's Recreational Trip Around the Universe.
Chapter 2: Saucepans and other Dangerous Ideas
The trio spun in and out of the fabrics of the universe, stopping every once and a while to have a restroom break and/or a cup of coffee. For what seemed like eternity, the three girls screamed and held on to each other as if they were sentenced to a lifetime of reading The Grapes of Wrath and Great Expectations.
All of a sudden, a hole opened beneath their floating bodies, causing them to fall on top of each other in a steady fashion. Jessica, who was the unfortunate one to be on the bottom, kicked the other two off her and rose to her feet. Brushing off her shirt and pants, she glanced around the new environment along with Bri and Kelsey.
"Where are we?" Brianna asked, picking blades of grass from her tangled head of blonde hair.
"Oklahoma?" Kelsey answered, rubbing her hands together in excitement.
Brianna and Jessica both shared a worried look, examining the lush green fields and flowers. "No, Kelsey. I don't think we're anywhere near Oklahoma."
"Mount Rushmore?" She asked in desperation.
"No." Jessica muttered spicily.
The next fifteen minutes proceeded as such, Kelsey guessing where they were and the two others shaking their heads. Finally, when Kelsey suggested 'Antarctica' Jessica kicked a good-sized rock in irritation, accidentally striking Kelsey in the head.
"Oops..." Jessica grumbled, waiting for any sight of blood, a rather large Band-Aid at hand.
Instead, Kelsey looked up at the sky, rubbing her head thoughtfully. "Flying rocks? Well that does it; we must be in outer space." Brianna choked on her green tea, which she had whipped out in boredom.
"Wait…Outer Space?" Kelsey shrieked, running around, the two remaining girls sitting down on the ground. "We're going to die. There's no oxygen!" Sputtering, she held her throat and screamed some more.
"Should we stop her?" Jessica turned to Bri, who had acquired a video camera from someplace unknown.
"No. This is fun!" She chirped, stalking Kelsey's every move with the device. "Wait, who's that idiot? He's doing 45 miles in a 40 mph zone." Bri pointed to a teenage boy riding a rather beaten-down bike.
"Can you even go 45 on a bike?" Jessica questioned.
Shrugging, Bri hopped to her feet. "Well, it sounded professional."
"Indeed, it did." Jessica agreed, Kelsey still dashing about on the grass like a ballerina on five servings of Monster energy drink.
"Oy, woman, move out of the way before I run you over with my bike!" The boy roared. Unfortunately, for him (and possibly Kelsey), she was far from listening. Bri and Jessica feverishly looked back and forth between the boy coming closer and Kelsey, who was still jogging in precise circles. So precise, in fact, that it seemed she was sinking deeper into the dirt with every round.
Finally, when it was clear that neither of them were intelligent enough to move an inch out of the way, Jessica took a rather perfectly placed stick from her left and threw it at the rider. It (also perfectly and coincidentally) jammed itself between the gears of his bike, making him jolt, stop, and flip over the handlebars with a thud.
"And…" Brianna said dramatically, a dark-looking cloud looming over the slits of her dark eyes. "…we unmask the villain in question to be the one and only…" She stopped, holding the boy's hair in her firm fist. Then, with a jump, she let go of his head, allowing his face to slam into the dirt again.
"Hatsuharu Sohma?" Kelsey gasped, already squealing in glee. "What are you doing in Outer Space?" She asked, more or less innocently.
The boy rose to his feet, glaring at Jessica. She shrugged it off and sat on Kelsey, who was jumping up and down like a 'complete imbecile.' Apparently, he had decided to ignore the question as he was now fixing the pile of junk he called his Baby, Hot Ride, and above all, his Bootylicious Spicy Vehicle of Love That Would Kick Your Bike's Rusty Seat. It was embarrassing to say the least.
"Bam! It's Haru." Bri made a sudden 'cha-ching' sound, throwing her arms in and out like a boxer.
The white haired boy, dizzy and weary from the fall, gazed at the three girls with fuzzy eyes. "I may ask, if I'm perfectly all right, who you three are in two minutes, more of less." He droned, removing the stick from his gears, tossing it over his shoulder with a sigh.
"No need to wait." Jessica insisted, swatting Kelsey's hands away from her pocket. She got up, releasing the star-stricken girl upon the boy.
Bri, who had suddenly pranced on the scene like smooth hybrid of a dancer and Batman, smacked Haru on his back (causing him to fall over his bike with a shout) and chuckled. "I…" She paused, her hand over her heart, peering down at the ox-boy. "…am Bri." Fluttering her eyelashes, she stopped to point over at Jessica and Kelsey.
"And those two are Kelsey and Jessica." Grimacing, she continued. "The one with a stick shoved half-way up her butt is Jessica, for further reference."
"So, Haru." Kelsey asked in a singsong voice. "Where were you going?"
He looked up at her for a moment before turning around to survey the horizon. "I was looking for him…" He answered very mysteriously with hazed eyes.
Bri sputtered and coughed, covering her grinning face with her left arm. "Yes, well er, who?" She managed to bite back a laugh.
"Yuki." He murmured, not really paying any attention to the three at all.
Jessica, whose radar had been going off for the last two minutes, finally looked up as an antenna revealed itself to the others and pointed to her left. All turning, they found Yuki, Kyo, and a rather cheerful Momiji jogging toward them. Ten feet away, Haru pranced toward his friends and Kyo.
"I can't stand it anymore! It's not normal, I tell you." Bri screamed, hands holding her head as she threw a rather good-sized rock, which (to Yuki's delight) ended up taking out Kyo. "What is with the prancing?"
All peering over at an unconscious (and bleeding) Kyo, Kelsey gaped but finally (after incoherent blubbering and gibberish) gathered her thoughts. "Whew, Bri. You really should have signed up for the baseball summer camp I went to last year!" She clapped and cheered, pausing for a moment. "I think you've killed him."
"Let's hope." Yuki grumbled, crossing his arms. Kyo stirred. "Well, shit."
Slowly coming to his senses, Kyo rubbed his head feverishly and wobbled on to his feet. "Bri…run." Jessica suggested drearily, producing earplugs from thin air. Stalking up to Bri, Kyo parted his mouth to speak whatever idiocy he had intended, but was cut off by Momiji.
"Kyo!" The boy cried in alarm. "Your head is steaming." The boy mused silently to himself, cradling his knees then began to sing 'I'm a little teapot' cheerfully on the ground beside him.
Spitting fire, Kyo promptly smacked Momiji over the head for the comment. Bri, who had witnessed the criminal act, quickly changed into police uniform, blowing a whistle. "Hey!" She glared at the cat. "Don't pick on him!"
Meanwhile, Momiji rocked back and forth claiming Kyo had hurt him beyond repair.
"Shut up, you're such a crybaby!" Kyo shrieked in Momiji's face; Brianna quickly hopped to her feet and shoved two reeds up the boy's nose.
"Don't you talk to him like that!" She yelled just as loud.
Kyo fumed for a moment before grabbing the two objects and hurled them toward Yuki (who dodged them quite magnificently). "Why don't you go and make me?" He ordered, standing his ground firmly like a statue.
"I'll break your jaw, you stupid cat!" She screamed in his face, globs of spit landing on his eyelids.
Silence hovered over the group; the only sound was the faint scratching of Haru itching his, well, never mind. Kyo, tense as a substitute teacher, meekly turned to Yuki. "Does she know about the curse?" He mouthed behind his hand.
"If they do…" Yuki began quietly, closing his eyes as if he were meditating. "…we must suppress their memories!" He declared with such emotion the girls were suddenly swept off their feet.
Jessica, who was extremely grumpy and sick of the screaming already, quickly snatched a whimpering Yuki off his feet and half dragged him behind a nearby building. There, she proceeded to beat him half to death with a saucepan before Haru, who was also ready to tear someone's head off, retrained her and threw her pan in the river.
Upon witnessing this, Yuki pointed at the girl and laughed like 'jolly old Saint Nicholas'. "Stupid rat…" Kyo muttered, peering over his shoulder where Jessica had already pulled out a larger, steaming pan of noodles. Yelping, the boy soared away like a gazelle with Haru stalking the possessed girl calmly.
"It's amazing how boring this can get all of a sudden…" Kelsey merely said, jumping up to chase Haru, who was still struggling to tear the weapon away from Jessica.
When Kelsey wrapped her arms around Haru's neck, he instantly transformed into an ox, equip with a little cowbell. Brianna squealing and Kelsey gaping, Jessica stopped her mission on killing Yuki just long enough for the boy to hide behind some poison ivy.
"Idiot…" Kyo muttered again to himself; Momiji just beamed, munching on a small carrot.
"Cow!" Kelsey chirped, slightly pleased with herself. Upon finding Yuki, Jessica kicked him off his feet into some other nettle bushes that were so perfectly placed there by the author. Momiji, who had swiped a cheerleader uniform from what seemed like nowhere, was therefore cheering the grumpy girl on from the sidelines.
Bri opened up her arms to embrace the boy. "Oh, you're just so cute! I could almost eat you." She gushed, nearly strangling the boy in a vice-like grip around his head. "Oh dear…" Studying the boy, as he had turned into his rabbit form, Bri blinked and took Momiji into her arms.
"This is getting chaotic." Yuki remarked, wearily keeping on eye on Jessica and the other on Kyo (which worked in the favor of dealing him cross-eyed), scratching himself idly.
For fear of any more chaos and such, the author had decided to suddenly impale Yuki with a pencil, which he most definitely did not appreciate. Furthermore, as she was losing her mind, she would now have Momiji interrupt the lovely scene with some much needed whining and persuasion.
"I'm getting hungry…" He complained, finishing up his third carrot. "Maybe some candy would suffice?" He hinted, clinging tightly to Bri's shirt.
"I didn't know little boys like you knew what suffice meant!" She ogled, slightly blown away from such language.
Jessica glanced up from her watching of Kelsey hanging off of Haru to answer. "Expect great things in China (whether or not they live in China, she had no clue, so I implore you not to attack me), like McDonald's toys and such."
"Right." Bri nodded, turning to walk away. "Well off to Shigure's house we go." So, to the author's great relief, the seven of them made their way to the house, every so often stopping to allow the little children to crowd around Haru, who was still in his cow form, and to apply ointment to Yuki's irritated backside.
And thus begins our strange tale, which may or may not make sense to those who are cursed to read it…