A/N: Some shameless pilfering from That Mitchell and Webb Look and Monty Python this time around. And it's obvious if you're seen the waiter sketch from either, haha. I'm such a sucker for sketch shows and putting characters in the actor's roles.

Author: Yoru Ryu
Rating: K/ PG -13
Listening To: Lollypop -- Mika
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. There'd be a helluva lot more Aizen, Gin and Tousen in if I did!
Warnings: Silliness, madness, OOCness, whatever ya wanna call it.

Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen
Day Two

It was strange for the tenth division office to be empty for two particular reasons. One; the division captain seemed to have a strange affection with paperwork and did it as often and as much as possible, (or at least that was Matsumoto's assumption), and often worked late into the night. And two; there was a distinct lack of Matsumoto passed out on the divan under the window.

The first particular reason didn't exist in the tenth division captain's mind so in all actuality there was one thing wrong with the room - the lack of a Matsumoto. Though the woman herself was gone all her paperwork was still laid about unfinished.

Balling his hands Toshiro Hitsugaya walked around the small room picking up all the stray paper and arranging them neatly on the vice captain's desk. But he'd be damned if he were going to do it himself this time! It was time to find Rangiku Matsumoto!

He stalked from his office not caring if he disturbed any of the division members and headed straight for the outer regions of Soul Society. He knew she wouldn't go too far into her old territory but far enough for the people to be fun.

It was the dead of the night and it took him no time at all to reach the next district; the thirty-second, but as he rounded a corner the familiar reitsu of one of the most annoying people in Soul Society flared up as he ran into it. He knew who it was even if said person was hiding most of it.

"Ahh, it's a little late fer kittens t' be runnin' around, ain't it?"

Hitsugaya ground his teeth before composing himself and whirling around to face Gin Ichimaru. "Ichimaru taicho," he regarded the older captain. "I'm in a hurry," he stated coldly as he walked past the fox.

"Lookin' fer Ran-chan?" Ichimaru asked with an innocent tone. Hitsugaya turned back to look at him suspiciously. "Dun worry, I am too."

"Why are you looking for Matsumoto so late?" Hitsugaya asked with a glare. The third division captain frowned at that.

"Aww, do ya think o' me so lowly? It's nuthin' like tha'. I was jus' bored an' Izuru is out. No' many people out this late usually 'cept Ran-chan. Ya must've 'ad the same idea as me!" he announced happily, clasping his hands.

Hitsugaya inwardly cringed at the thought of thinking alike with the other captain. "Have you seen her?"

"Nope."

He waited for the man to say something else but nothing came and it looked like nothing would for quite some time. "Okay then," he said as he made to leave again.

"We could look together," Ichimaru started again. Hitsugaya swore he did it to annoy him… no, scratch that. He knew he did it to annoy him so he turned back.

"Why would we want to do that?"

Ichimaru put a finger to his lips in thought, " I 'eard Tousen taicho say 'is 'isagi was goin' out with Ran-chan tonigh'.

"If you know she's busy then why are you still looking for her?" Hitsugaya questioned.

"Didn' I sey?" the third division captain looked confused. "I'm bored an' jus' lookin' ou' for the wellbein' of a friend."

"Of course you are," Hitsugaya mumbled. "Did you hear were they went?"

"O' course! They wen' t' a restauran' in the noble's qua'ers."

The ice element captain boggled. "Then why the hell are you here?"

"Dunno, it jus' looks kinda pretty 'ere, eh?"

It's like talking to a small child, Hitsugaya mused with an annoyed sigh, and despite his better judgement decided to go along with the other captain. At least with two of them they could drag her back kicking and screaming.

It was time to crash Matsumoto's date.

Matsumoto and Hisagi had taken to a fancy restaurant in the noble district. The ninth division vice-captain had chosen this particular place for it had an impeccable reputation for snootiness and what better way to woo a lady than to show off status and financial standings… even though they were both vice-captains and received pretty much the same treatment anyway. It was the principle that counted. Was that Kuchiki in the corner?

He sat neatly in his dress robes, hands folded and gazed at Matsumoto as her eyes browsed the menu. She looked over the menu at him almost teasingly. "This is nice," she smiled.

"Yeah, it's great to be among normal people for once. It's nice to see how we've come up in the world," he added as the soothing music in the background washed over them like a cool sea breeze.

Matsumoto giggled and pronounced her chest as she did so. "I think I've decided what I want," she mentioned as she saw a waiter approaching.

"Are you ready to order, sir?" Ichimaru asked as he came up to the pair disguised in a waiters uniform and a fake moustache.

Hisagi started at the sudden appearance. "Oh, sorry, mate. I haven't had a good chance to look at the menu," with being too busy not trying to stare at the delicious cleavage presented to him, "can we order a bottle of the house red?"

"I saw you in here last week. I saw you drinking your soup. I saw you slurping and ripping and dunking your bread. We were all watching you from the kitchen and we all thought you were a dick," Ichimaru stated viciously, ignoring the order.

Hisagi and Matsumoto gaped at each other like carp. "I-I-uh… I can't believe you talk to customers like this!" Hisagi stammered.

"And I can't believe you're continuing with this. You know I can destroy you," Ichimaru replied turning to a nearby dinner trolley. It was like two birds with one stone - verbally attacking the ninth division vice undercover as a pompous waiter and driving men away from his Rangiku. Fun too. "Observe my trolley; these are my weapons." Laid out on said trolley were several eating utensils and exotic dishes. He took a bowl with a small puddle of red liquid at the bottom and set it in front of Matsumoto.

He continued; "I shall be recommending the consommé which as every shinigami cadet knows, providing your academy wasn't free," he sent a potent glare at Hisagi, "should be consumed only with a fork! It's all in the wrisssst!" he hissed at Matsumoto who carefully took the offered fork.

"And for sir; crab! Which you're supposed to tackle using this!" he thrust a spoon at the male vice captain. "Make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous! Off you go," he motioned for them to start eating.

Both the vice captains looked vaguely at their dishes before looking at each other under the dangerous gaze of a disguised Ichimaru. Timidly they reached out for the others' utensil. "You're not allowed to swap!" Ichimaru barked.

"All right, that's it! I've had just about enough of you talking to us like this!" Hisagi shouted putting his spoon down. "I want to see the manger!"

"You want to see the manager?" Ichimaru scoffed at the request. "How could I possibly introduce you to the manager? You don't comb your hair, you're covered in tattoos and you hold your zanpakuto like a pen!"

"The manger, now!" Hisagi reiterated loudly. Matsumoto put her face in her hands.

"If sir insists!" Ichimaru snarled and shouted towards the back of the restaurant. "Hey, Onrei!"

After a few moments delay a small figure stormed over to their table to stand next to the masquerading waiter. Onrei apparently. Hitsugaya looked up from under his tall chefs hat at the pair on their date.

"This man has been hurling abuse at us from the moment he arrived!" Hisagi explained while foregoing an introduction with the chef… slash manager.

"You bastards!" Hitsugaya shouted at the pair after a moment of consideration. "You vicious heartless bastards! I've worked my fingers to the bone to run this place, and you come in with your petty, petty accusations about my humble staff? Are you trying to grind my business into the dirt!? Oh, it makes me mad!"

"Mad!" Ichimaru echoed.

"Makes me mad!" Hitsugaya shouted again.

Both the vice captains stared wide-eyed, once again not believing what was happening.

"Fine! If it will appease you I shall sack the entire waiting staff!" Hitsugaya growled at the tattooed vice captain. "No! Sack the entire cleaning staff and everyone under my employ here!"

Ichimaru feigned a shocked and desperate expression. "But we've all worked so hard to get this place off the ground! Now we're a success you can't lay us off! You'll only destroy yourself, Onrei. We all love you too much to see you do that to yourself!"

"I'm afraid it can't be avoided any longer," Hitsugaya threw his hands up. "This patron has destroyed our modest attempts at making a living. Our selfless forays into serving delicious dishes from around the world to those around us! Our attempts at bringing pleasure to those unable to venture far from their homes! But that's all over now, thanks to this kind gentleman pointing out a small flaw in our humble system," he finished up head bowed with a sniff.

Hisagi waved his hands desperately as he felt Matsumoto's disapproving glare burn through his skull. "N-no! I-I-I didn't mean for you to-!"

"No, sir! I thank you!" Hitsugaya threw himself at the tattooed man. "You've shown us the error of our ways. No longer shall we strive to serve others without thoughts of our own personal gain. No longer shall we be slaves to our own kindness! No longer shall we help those in need! You, kind sir, have opened our eyes to the light. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my shrivelled black heart. Thank you, sir."

He shook hands with Hisagi jubilantly and turned to leave as Ichimaru made a show of throwing the towel previously hanging from his arm to the floor then following. Feeling the vibrant heat of a venomous glare bore into the back of his head Hisagi was slow to turn and face his date. His caution was not disappointed as a hand slapped him sharply across the face.

He stumbled into a nearby table as Matsumoto glared death at him. "You insensitive jerk! Couldn't keep your comments to yourself, huh? Now you've destroyed these kind people!" and with that she stormed out, her dress flaring around her dramatically.

As he slumped against the table with all the eyes of the other patrons on him he thought he could hear distinctive laughter from nearby. He could count on Byakuya not mentioning this inside work but he'd never be able to bear Matsumoto's piercing eyes in the vice captain's meetings ever again.

He sighed.

Not the best date ever…

… but certainly not the worst.

A/N: Eh, wow. That was rather short. The next one should be much longer (hopefully) since it involves all the captains and vice captains, hmm…

But anyway, I'm a needy person so you should review on your way out if ya read it! Naughty people.