After I calmed down I drove home. But when I got there my night got worse. I walk into my house set my keys down on the side entrance table and let out a deep breath. I want to lay down and release this entire day from my body but then I hear Teddy and the tension in my neck instantly returned.
"Rayna."
I chuckle. "Hey." He grabs my hands.
"Lets get this over with."
"Ok." I push past him into our front foyer room.
"Hello. How are y'all? Rayna Jaymes." I reach my hand out to shake the two gentleman's hands.
Teddy is slowly backing out of the room shutting the door.
"Yes. Big Fan."
"Thank you."
We sit down on the couches, them in front of me. They pull out notepads and begin.
"So when you were just starting out, you dated Deacon Claybourne for 11 years?"
Eleven years… I was with him for eleven years fifteen years ago. Still shocks me to think about, the time. Our relationship lost stability and became an up and down rollercoaster that still makes my head spin. Countless nights I cried myself to sleep when I couldn't find him hoping and praying he wasn't dead somewhere. The darkness that consumed him when he drank started to consume me. The darkness made those eleven years seem like a lifetime and what made dating not the right word to describe me and Deacon.
"It was a little more than dating." I shook my head.
"Yeah."
"At some point, you began to see your husband. While you were still involved with Deacon?"
"It was more like entangled." I roll eyes. "And y-yeah, Deacon had some personal problems, so I started to date Teddy."
"At what point did you end your relationship with Deacon?"
I let out a deep breath. "I didn't. He's still in my band. We, you know, just sort of shifted gears, I guess. If you mean when did I end my romantic relationship with him, I did that when he went into rehab."
"He had a substance abuse issue."
'Yeah. If you'd have known him back then, you probably wouldn't say it so politely. But yes, he… Let's just say if he had not gone to rehab, he probably wouldn't be with us today."
"And your husband said you paid for his treatment?"
"I did."
"And did you continue your romantic involvement with him during his time in rehab?"
"No. No. It became clear to me that Deacon was not… And you know I was involved with Teddy, and we got married so."
"While Deacon was in rehab?"
"Yeah."
"And in the intervening years between then and now, has there"
"No, absolutely not. You know guys I'm so sorry I'm going to have to stop. It's just so… Excuse me if you will. Thank you."
I avoided Teddy went straight upstairs and changed into something more comfortable. I wanted out of this jean skirt. I changed and left for The Bluebird. I sat in my car nervous. This was going to be the first time in about 15 years I would let Deacon see me watching him. Watching Deacon perform holds a special piece of my heart. I fell in love with him watching him perform. On stage he is the best version of himself and it's nice to see that side of him because there was a time I thought I would never see it again. Tonight I want him to see me watching him. He needs to know I have always been there for him and I always will.
I walked in just as he was finishing a song. I put on a brave face and walked in grabbing a seat near a familiar face. He's happy up there. He didn't notice me at first but I was clapping and yelling for him just like the rest of the audience. When he turns my direction and notices me his smile gets even bigger.
"Yeah! How about these guys!"
His smile becomes a grin. His grin…even after all these years is still the same and it still makes my stomach turn. I know right in that moment he was going to invite me up on stage. I wanted to join him but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also a little scared.
"Uhm…ugh little surprise. I got a friend out there tonight, in the audience. A really special and talented friend. And I'd like to ask her to come up here and do a number with us. Ugh please put your hands together for Mrs. Rayna Jaymes."
I wave awkwardly and maneuver my way up to the stage. I look at him and notice how genuinely happy he looks in this moment. I reach out and kiss him on the cheek and wrap my arms possessively around his neck. I pull away and sit down on the chair Gunnar had brought up for me.
"Oh my goodness!"
"Yeah!"
"It's great to be at The Bluebird!"
I sit smiling looking out at the crowd. It feels strange to be back up here but it also feels familiar like I'm home. As I embrace the feeling I hear Deacon say to the band No One Will Ever Love You. He then leans over and says it to me and all I can do is nod.
"This is a song we actually that we first performed right here at The Bluebird. Uhm yeah that was about 20 years ago."
"Oh no, that's, I…I was in pre school 20 years ago."
He laughs along with the audience.
"Well…Well we're going to play it for you right now."
The band starts and the introduction brings déjà vu. We performed this song so many times but the feelings it brings never went away, which was one of the reasons I took it out of every performance while he was in rehab. Right before my entrance comes I look at him.
Don't you try to tell me someone's waitin'.
They're not waitin' for you.
Oh and don't you try to tell me that you're wanted
That you're needed.
Cause it's not true.
I know why you're lonely.
It's time you knew it too.
No one will ever love you.
No one will ever love you.
No one will ever love you.
Like I do."
Once I started the no one will ever love you's, it changed. We changed. His piercing blue eyes were filled with this love that was all too familiar. I could feel everything all over again.
Why you always lookin' for the lime light?
Ain't you satisfied with me?
For once why don't you get down off your high heels
You're no big deal, can't you see."
I know why you're lonely
It's time you knew it too.
No one will ever love you
No one will ever love you
No one will ever love you
Like I do.
I'm all you've got
I'm all you'll ever need
I'm all you'll ever have
No one will ever love you
No one will ever love you
No one will ever love you
Like I do
Like I do
Like I do"
Aside from a few lines, we looked at each other the entire time. The crowd applauded and yelled and I pulled my gaze away from him. We smile and then I feel him reach for my hand I had resting on my thigh. He squeezes it and looks back at me, the crowd still applauding but all I want is to get off of this stage. I pull my hand out from under his and turn to speak into the microphone.
"Thank y'all! I'll get off the stage now so that y'all can enjoy the real reason you came here tonight."
I stand up and the crowd yells and applauds again and I hear Deacon say, "Mrs. Rayna Jaymes everyone."
I wave and walk to Watty in the back. I wanted to leave but if I left it would just draw attention. So I stand in the back vaguely listening to the rest of Deacon's set. He kept looking at me trying to ask me if I'm ok. I know that song did something to him too. I kept giving small smiles trying to reassure him but I know I wasn't convincing.
After his set, his fans went up to him. I chatted with Watty and few others until most of the crowd cleared out.
"Let me walk you out?"
"Yeah."
We walked out the front but I turned around at the door looking for him. I wanted him to know I would wait for him outside. He catches my eye and nods. I push the door open and walk out.
Watty and I reach my car.
"Thanks for walking me."
"No problem songbird. I'll talk to you later."
He reaches out to hug me and I hold on a little longer then I should have. He held me tight but said nothing. I muffled my crying in his jacket but quickly snapped out of it.
"I'm so sorry." I pull back and wipe my face.
Watty still says nothing. He just waits for me to get into my car and then he heads to his. I sit for a while…thinking.
I should get out and wait for him at his car. I stood with my back against the back of his truck with my arms crossed. I'd only been there a few minutes when the door opens and I see him walking with his guitar cases in hand.
"I thought you would have left by now."
"Yeah…well."
He placed his cases on the floor and I move out of his way as he loads them. After he finishes he moves to the passenger side door and opens it. I hesitate but ultimately get in. he walks around and gets in the driver's side door. We sit in silence not looking at one another.
"I wish we hadn't done that song."
I continue to look forward, hands on my lap, and trying not to cry.
"Now what are we going to do?"
I turn to get out, but I feel his hand on my arm.
Deacon: "Ray…Rayna."
I turn back towards him first looking down but then lifting my head to look at him.