Conflict, its inevitable. Turmoil, comes with conflict. Pain, a temporary emotion with a lingering presence. Even the good days seem like a distant memory. Even the best intentions get torn down. And even when you think you're in the clear, when life gives you a sense of freedom and urges you to let go, what you hoped would catch you lets you hit the ground...
"You officially look like one of those annoyingly perfect, "Oh my, look at me!" types. Congratulations." Cristina says as she buttons the back of my dress.
"Oh my look at me as in, I can't even look in the mirror, ill get annoyed? Or look at me, as in I look normal for a day against my will?" I ask her nervously.
Her opinion means the most to me. As she looks at me and smirks, I know she'll be kind today. Even if she's dying to be brutally honest.
"You look beautiful. Against your will. McDreamy will be happy even if your not." She said the last few words with hesitation.
She knows this isn't me. The flowers. The dresses. The smiling. And she wonders why I said yes. One day she'll feel the same when her time comes.
Rushing into the room, out of breath, is Izzie. She inspects everyone's gowns, hair and make up. I try to hide from her. She finds me and frowns.
"Mer, don't you want to look perfect." Her eyes are huge, filled with annoyance and hope that I do.
I grind my teeth in response. "Um, yea. Of coarse." I try to smile for her and she rolls her eyes seeing right through me. Her pager vibrates. She was the only one on-call. She sighs and she rushes back out.
"One of these days, I will manage to get her to be normal. Our kind of normal. One that doesn't require constant smiling and cheerfulness." Christina brags trying to make me laugh.
"Right. Our kind of normal." Deep down I know our kind isn't normal at all.
Miranda Bailey walks in the dressing room. She smiles at me. Her eyes filled with pride. She hugs me tight like I am her daughter rather then the naïve young lady who started as an intern and caused mayhem for her daily. I return the smile, genuinely. Everyone buzzed around me, all talking and I was getting more nervous by the second. I didn't even notice Izzie tap me on the shoulder. She had to do it three more times.
"Mer, its Derek." Her eyes gave her away. My stomach filled with dread. Something awful had happened. There were tears in her eyes. The room fell silent. All eyes on me. I could feel the weight of all those gazes held in suspense. Izzie began to sob.
"He…" She paused, "Got into an accident on the way here. He's already at the hospital. In surgery. It's critical." There were a few sharp intakes of breath from those around me. I remained silent. I didn't blink. I didn't speak. I froze. "Izzie, are you sure?" I heard Miranda vaguely. I saw Izzie shake her head. Still, I didn't move. "Lets get you out of this dress." Cristina said.
There was a scream. And I was surprised to find it came from me. "NO! I have to walk down the isle. Derek is waiting for me. It has to be perfect. He deserves perfect."
I saw my friends exchange glances. "Um, Meredith… did you hear what I said?" Izzie's voice was faint.
"I'm ready. Tell the pianist he can start playing. I can't keep Derek waiting." There were murmurs of voices. But I couldn't hear them. I couldn't move my feet. I felt someone place their hand on my elbow and walk me to a chair. I don't remember sitting.
Hours later, after everyone had left, they found me sitting in the same position. I did not shed a single tear. I was numb. "I'm going to drive you to see him, Mer. He's still in surgery. Broken leg and internal bleeding. But I know you would rather be around him then here." Cristina says somberly.
I looked up with blankness in my eyes as Cristina helped me up. I refused to change out of my dress, so we drove together in silence, in a dress that was supposed to be my "happiest say of your life" dress. Now, I will remember this dress. Not a detail will leave my mind. Not one flower, not one bow. Because this dress represents the day I died.
I stood in the rain staring at the double doors to the entrance of Seattle grace for what seemed like an eternity. Funny, I used to think of this place as home. I knew every supply closet, every patient room and every stairway better then I knew myself. Now I just saw it as the last place on earth I would want to be. Christina grabbed my hand and gently walked me to his room. I almost got sick at the sight of him. He was covered in bruises and casts. The white dress gowns contrasted his dark skin. All I wanted to do was run a hand through his hair. But once again, I couldn't move.
This was not Derek. My Derek wouldn't leave me. My Derek picked me. My Derek…And just like that I began to cry. Rivers of tears rapidly fell down my face. I smeared my make up trying to wipe them away. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder.
The chief. "We've stabilized him for now. It was a drunk driver Mer. The police have him in custody. We're going to keep an eye on Derek. We can't afford to lose him." I looked up at him with such sadness in my eyes that he pulled me in for a hug. "I'm so sorry." I rest my head on his chest. I was sorry too. Sorry that I believed that anything good could happen to me. Sorry that I would never smile again if I lost Derek. And sorry that I was officially broken inside and would never be whole again.
There are times when life tests you. It throws curve balls at you to see if you will break. Succumb to fear of striking out. Even the best laid plans can be broken. You may make it to first or second base, but perfection doesn't exist just because we want it to. Life, is unpredictable and comes with no guarantees. And there is no certainty that you will ever make it home again.
I held his hand for a week straight. Derek was in a coma. My life was in disarray. I didn't leave his side. I wanted him to know i was there but I couldn't find the voice to speak to him. I thought of all the things we hadn't done. All the things we should have said. I cried so hard at one point a nurse came in thinking it was him moaning in pain. By week two it was decided I should shower and eat something. I didn't do any of it on my own. I had help. Someday I would thank my friends. Someday.
Week three was the hardest. My job began to suffer. But I didn't care. He needed me. I would be here.
Week four, rain poured down on the streets below. It beat against the window in its windy rage. I felt the same rage. I could relate.
Week five, I slept for over an hour when I felt a stir. I looked up with tired eyes at his fingers. They twitched. Excitement coursed through me. Then I heard him speak. They were the most beautiful words. "So," His voice scratchy from not using it, "How about that vacation?" I broke down and cried so hard that I lost myself.
Two months later, life gave us each other and we took advantage. I wanted to wait for him to heal, but Derek was adament about not wasting another second apart. The wedding was on a beach. And every guest had fruity tropical drinks. I had him and he had me. He took my hand and lead me down to the water. He still limped from the accident. The sunset cast a bright orange glow against the clear blue water. "We finally got this marriage thing right." I looked down at my feet as the water covered them and pulled away. " It's the only thing I've done right. I almost lost you." I couldn't speak of that day without crying. "But you didn't. I came back to you." I sighed in contentment as I placed my head on his shoulder. "Yes, and I'm never letting you go."