Mary Sues 101
Lesson 1: Overview of Sues – according to Kenny
Hello, everyone! Having a nice day? That's nice. My name is Kenny Wu, and I will be teaching the first lesson of Mary Sues 101!
But you see, the first part of the first lesson isn't so much a lesson as it is a few theories. What is a Mary Sue? Where does she come from? What's her purpose? These are all questions we take on in the first part of lesson one. So let's begin, shall we?
I guess a good place to start is with the question, 'What is a Mary Sue?'
There are a number of theories about this question. The obvious answer is that she is an original character gone horribly wrong. Some believe she's a demon. Others believe she's a crazy masked man with a mustache.
As for the Ducks, we've developed a different sort of theory. Charlie alluded to it before. We, the Ducks, believe that Mary Sue is actually an evil entity that inhabits the body of the author. She takes over the keyboard and doesn't leave the author until the author is no longer of any use…much like a parasite feeding off a host.
We also believe that this entity can change genders at will – but that's for later in the course; Adam will get really mad if I steal his lesson. He's worked hard on it. Is it just me, or does he have an over-achiever complex? The hockey, the grades, the 'I must make my father happy thing', the constant suicide threat if he fails...but we're not here to analyze Adam's many, many, many personality flaws.
Anyway, this entity inhabits the author to create Sues. These Sues will eventually form their own army and take over the fandom. It is the entity's one purpose, to breed an army of Sues, not on its own, but through the authors of the fandom. The entity wants your soul, and will suck you in. Once it has you, it will feed off you and use you until you are Mary Sue breeding ball of energy, suspended between fandoms, leaving a path of good story destruction wherever you go.
A good analogy would be to compare the Mary Sue entity to the Dementors of the Harry Potter universe, except this is worse. Much worse. Dementors, well, at least you know they're trying to get you. With Mary Sues, you never know exactly who or what they want.
They could want your soul, or they could just want sex. Of course, they only want sex with Adam or Charlie or the Bash Brothers…never people like…me, for example. I don't see why not, I'm just as good as those others in bed, but nobody would know that, because nobody puts me in any type of sexual situation. I have sexual energy too, you know, and nobody likes to be ignored. For God's sake, somebody put me in a sexual situation, please, please, please! I mean, it's nice being a good boy, but I've got a bad side too! I could be a sex God if someone just gives me a chance!…not that I'm complaining or bitter or anything.
So where was I? Oh, right, the theory. This theory is, of course, all just a theory that we have. It cannot be proven through any tangible evidence. Keyword: tangible. But if you look carefully enough…oooh, it's there.
Maybe I'd best get along to the rest of the lesson? Hmmm? Sounds good.
More traditionally, Mary Sue is considered by most to be an original character. In our fandom, Mary Sue generally comes in five major types:
Friendly Sue
Loving Sue
Naughty Sue
Angsty Sue
Perfect Sue
Perfect Sue:
When you imagine a typical Mary Sue, this is what you think of. She is where all the other Sues come from. She is the original Sue. The word 'perfect' in her name is self-explanatory. She is perfect. This is the girl everyone in the real world hates with a fiery passion. In the fandom though, Perfect Sue is loved by everyone she meets. She's good at everything. She gets good grades; she has perfect hair, eyes, skin, and nails. She's gorgeous. She's an athlete, and plays hockey, naturally. She can act, dance, and sing all while juggling watermelons and smoking a cigarette. Not that Perfect Sue smokes, she's much too good for such a foul habit! She does Karate, Tae-Kwan-Do, Judo, and can kick an ass the size of Rick Riley while blindfolded. Isn't she precious? Yes, it's ok, she makes us all sick. Go barf, we'll wait.
Appearance Rate: rare to moderate, but she used to be much more common.
Most Often Paired With: Adam, Charlie…and Guy when authors decide to break up Connie and Guy. If the author is into slash, Perfect Sue could be paired up with Connie or Julie, but that plotline isn't often done.
Most Likely Hockey Position: forward, either center or wing, she is not exclusive to either position.
Typical Past: it's 50/50 toss up. It could be terribly tragic or flawless. It depends on the author.
Shag-ability: Perfect Sue can be shagged from time to time, but often, Perfect Sue is too aware of the possible consequences and vows to stay pure 'til her wedding day. She manages to fight all cheap, teenage, animal-like lust she may feel to remain an unplucked fruit.
Death: Perfect Sue is often mercilessly allowed to live on forever by her author. But if she does die, it's usually in some heartbreaking way, like cancer, or kidney failure, or being hit by an 18-wheeler.
Most Like: Loving Sue
Angsty Sue:
Oooh woe is me! I have such a hard life, nobody loves me, boohoo… that's Angsty Sue. Often paranoid about her self-worth, Angsty Sue usually comes off bitchy and obnoxious. Angsty Sue does have some of the qualities of Perfect Sue, but is much less secure about showing them, thankfully. She often is a pain in the ass because she doesn't realize people do care about her. She appears mentally unstable more often then not.
Appearance Rate: common
Most Often Paired With: Adam, Charlie, Fulton, Portman. I've never seen Angsty Sue slashed, but I suppose there will be a first time somewhere down the road.
Most Likely Hockey Position: defense…commonly referred to as an 'enforcer' but that's not an actual position…though many 'enforcers' play defense.
Typical Past: 99.999999 of the time, Angsty Sue has some horribly tragic, angsty, miserable past. Nothing has ever gone right for her. That's what makes her angsty.
Shag-ability: Oh, Angsty Sue is shaggable. I've never shagged her, for reasons mentioned above. But she'll usually let Adam or Charlie or Portman or Fulton do it, because she's so insecure and she wants to keep them as her poor, unwitting slave…I mean, boyfriend. Or it's because she's drunk. Whatever.
Death: Angsty Sue is often threatened by death, but sadly, only rarely dies. She'll attempt suicide, but someone, usually her love-interest, will step in just in time to save her. Or she'll get some horribly fatal disease where the odds of survival are 99 to 1. But she'll beat it. She's a Sue. She lives on.
Most Like: Naughty Sue
Loving Sue:
Oh, my poor baby, I'll take care of you. My poor, poor baby, I love you, wipe away your tears, I'll take care of you…yep, that's Loving Sue. She's more like a mother than a girlfriend, constantly comforting her 'poor baby'…it's complicated, but I think it's a weird takeoff on the Oedipus complex. Anyway, Loving Sue is probably the most annoying of the Sues. She's so loving, caring, understanding, and lastly, nauseating.
Appearance Rate: moderate
Most Often Paired With: Adam, Charlie, Fulton, Portman, Guy (is anybody seeing a pattern yet?). If slashed, Connie or Julie.
Most Likely Hockey Position: Loving Sue probably doesn't play hockey, but if she does, she's a forward or a goalie.
Typical Past: Like Perfect Sue, it's a toss up. It could be tragic and angsty. It could be perfectly happy. It all depends on the author.
Shag-ability: Loving Sue is definitely likely to shag. But it's never because of lust or hormones, or anything remotely related to teenage immaturity. She shags because it's twoooo luuuuv.
Death: Loving Sue doesn't die, and on the off chance she does, it's in some horrific way. And when she dies, there's always just enough time and breath left to give her twoo luv a big speech about how much she loves them.
Most Like: Perfect Sue
Naughty Sue:
Naughty Sue is a lot like Angsty Sue, except twice as tough. She's a tough chick with a badass attitude. She constantly breaks the rules, drinking and smoking, but somehow always manages to get away with it. If she does get busted, she somehow gets off without punishment. Of course she does, she's a Sue!
Appearance Rate: moderate to common
Most Often Paired With: Adam…no wait! Not Adam! Sorry, force of habit. Naught Sue is almost always paired with Portman or Fulton. Again, if slashed she goes with Connie or Julie.
Most Likely Hockey Position: Naughty Sue technically plays defense, but truly, she is an enforcer. Screw the fact it's not a real position! She's an enforcer, and makes Portman and Fulton look like tame, cute, cuddly kittens on the ice.
Typical Past: Naughty Sue would not be Naughty Sue without her horribly tragic, angsty, tormented past and childhood. Rarely is there an exception to this rule.
Shag-ability: Naughty Sue is probably the easiest of the Sues to get into bed, because having sex is considered such a badass thing for a teenage girl to do. She'll stay out four hours past curfew shagging with Fulton or Portman, and never gets caught. Often, this occurs under the influence of…and hide your shock now…alcohol! Scandalous, isn't it? And yes, this is the proper time to roll your eyes.
Death: Naughty Sue is much like Angsty Sue. The threat of death by suicide is constantly there, but her delusional, unwitting boyfriend will usually save her in time. If she does die, it's heartbreaking, usually by falling off a motorcycle or something of that nature.
Most Like: Angsty Sue
Friendly Sue:
Friendly Sue is exactly like her name. She's pretty and popular and is friends with the Ducks without even trying. She's loving toward her significant other. She has her moodswings. Friendly Sue is a bit dull because she tries hard not to be a Sue at all. But because she doesn't overdose on angst and trauma and does have some flaws, she's the best of the God forsaken lot.
Appearance Rate: moderate
Most Often Paired With: (bonus points to whoever shouts the answer out first!) Adam, Charlie, Portman, Fulton, Guy. But Friendly Sue has been paired with most other Ducks as well, minus Connie and Julie, unless the author decides to slash her.
Most Likely Hockey Position: Friendly Sue probably doesn't play hockey. If she does, she can be any position, depending on the author.
Typical Past: Friendly Sue's past is not terribly angsty and not terribly happy. It's much like anyone else's. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes it tilts either side of the angsty or happy scale, but it's not extreme in either direction.
Shag-ability: Friendly Sue is shaggable, just like most teenage girls, but doesn't put out on the first date. If she's in a relationship, she can eventually be shagged. She sometimes gets drunk and ends up in bed, though.
Death: Friendly Sue is not often killed by her author, nor does she always deserve to be, but she is a Sue, and of course, if she does die, it's in a horrible and terrible way.
Most Like: Friendly Sue is a bit like everyone. She's unique in that way.
In case you hadn't noticed, Connie and Julie are only paired with a Sue if the Sue and Connie/Julie are slashed. From now on though, we're going to assume that Mary Sue is straight because the girls are most often portrayed as straight. It's the guys (read: Adam/Charlie/Fulton/Portman) who are most often slashed. Rarely do you see a slashed Sue, but we will cover Lesbian Sue in another lesson.
So, now you have been introduced to the five most common Sues in the fandom. That ends this lesson, because that's all anyone can handle at once. It's sickening. Take a break, get some sleep, this sort of thing weakens the immune system. We don't want you all getting sick over this. I'm Kenny Wu, and when you look for me on the ice, I'm number sixteen. Next lesson comes soon. Quack quack quack!