Happy belated Mother's Day to all the moms out there. It's been a busy few days, but I'm getting back into the swing of things. As always, all the characters you've come to know belong to Janet Evanovich. All mistakes are mine.
Edna Mazur was in heaven. She had won $100,000 on America's Craziest Home Videos, and it was burning a hole in her pocket. She got to keep all the money, because this is fiction, and you don't have to pay taxes if you're not real. Her daughter thought she should spend the money on boring things, like a new dishwasher or College savings accounts for her great granddaughters, but Edna told Helen that she was a horse's patoot, and she was going to spend the money any way she wanted.
The first thing she did was throw a huge party at the Senior Center. The problem with that was most of the folks there couldn't drink, because it interfered with their medications, and the party ended at 6:30, because everyone was too old to stay up late. Edna now had $95,000 burning a hole in her pocket, and enough liquor left over to keep Helen properly sauced for quite a while.
The second thing Edna did was throw a party for the whole family at Allaire State Park. Unfortunately, Helen brought Joe to the party because she thought he would make a better son in law than Carlos. When the train pulled up to the station so that the family could ride around the park, Joe turned to Stephanie and said, "Do you remember when we used to play Choo-Choo?" Before Carlos could reach him, Stephanie knocked him out with one punch. The rest of the party was so awkward that no one noticed when Vinnie wandered off to the lake to "feed the ducks". Even though the park rangers threw them out, Lucille had stayed home that day, so Vinnie wouldn't be feeding the fishes too. Now Edna had $90,000 burning a hole in her pocket.
Edna decided to take Helen and all the girls to Florida, so that they could go to Disney World. Unfortunately, no matter how much Governor Juniak begged the TSA, they refused to take Helen off the "no-fly" list. She was stuck in NJ. Edna and the girls went anyway and they all had a wonderful time. They almost got thrown out of the park when Edna begged Aladdin to take her on a "magic carpet ride", but Stephanie promised security that she would keep a better watch on her grandma. Edna still had $80,000 burning a hole in her pocket, but at least everyone had fun on this trip.
Edna decided that it was taking too long to go through the rest of the money, so she was going to have one huge Mother's Day blowout for all the ladies of the Burg. She rented the VFW hall, hired caterers, and contracted entertainment for the evening. All the ladies from the neighborhood were there. Stephanie and Lula showed up for grandma, even though Lula wasn't from the Burg, and Stephanie was convinced that Grandma Bella was gonna give her the eye for breaking poor Joey's heart.
After the dinner was served, the lights were lowered and the entertainment began. It was a good thing that there was an open bar, because most of the ladies were blitzed by the time they realized that Edna had hired strippers. Every time a new stripper came onstage, the ladies from the neighborhood went wild, and Helen would cry, "Why me?". Finally the DJ announced that making his NJ debut was Officer Harry Cox. A tall, lean man came onstage, and Stephanie started to get a bad feeling, but you couldn't see the guy's face underneath his hat. When he peeled his shirt off, Lula turned to Steph and said, "Damn. Harry is a good name for him. Ain't strippers supposed to wax or something? " Stephanie couldn't answer. The feeling in the pit of her stomach was getting worse. When he took his pants off, Lula said to Steph, "Ok, he ain't hung too bad, but I've had better." Stephanie just kept muttering to herself, "Keep your hat on. Keep your hat on."
When the stripper walked to the edge of the stage so that the women could slip some bills into his g-string, there was an unholy shriek that was so loud, the DJ stopped the music. Angie Morelli stood right in front of the stage still holding her dollar bill and yelled, "Joseph Anthony Morelli, have you lost your mind?" The stripper took his hat off to cover his private parts, and the whole neighborhood saw that it was indeed Joe mostly naked on the stage. Lula laughed so hard she fell off her seat. Helen grabbed a bottle of Smirnoff from the bar, took a healthy slug and said, "WHY ME?" Edna turned to Stephanie and patted her on the thigh. She winked and said, "Best $80,000 I ever spent."