The Next Adventure

by IndigoWerewolf

South Park is in chaos. Cats are missing. And now a new game has begun, one that has already turned into reality. In order to save her friends and family from the clutches of evil, Dova must adopt a new identity and take on the mantle of the hero once again, and in doing so she will discover more about herself and South Park than she ever imagined. Rated M, don't like don't read.

2. The First Night

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the second chapter of The Next Adventure. This chapter will be based off of the first night mission in The Fractured But Whole. I do not own South Park or TFBW, let's read!

"Night time. That's when the creeps come out. But unfortunately for the creeps the other thing that comes out at night…is a Coon."

The first thing I heard, and what woke me up, was a loud tapping sound. I blinked as I slowly started to come back to consciousness, and quietly yawned before another tap startled me, quickly followed by two more. I got my glasses from my nightstand and put them on, everything coming into focus as I did so. Looking to my window, I saw that small pebbles were being thrown against it, and I went over and opened it before sticking my head out, only to be hit right in the forehead by another stone. "Sorry!" I heard from the ground as I clutched my forehead.

When I looked down there was no one there however, and I shrugged as I figured that they must be keeping themselves out of sight in order to make a dramatic entrance. I got down and closed my window before spinning in place and changing back into my superhero costume. I then checked my phone and saw that someone had posted something on my Coonstagram, so I unlocked the device to see that Cartman had sent me a message that "Captain Diabetes" will be coming to lead me to the girl with the dick tattoo.

'Captain Diabetes? Wait a minute, is this gonna be who I think it is?' I thought to myself before leaving the room. I tried to peep into Mom and Dad's room, but something was blocking the keyhole so I couldn't see anything. I then went downstairs to find Dad passed out among a huge mess and a bunch of weed and beer. I sighed in annoyance and went to the front door, but it was locked with the three extra locks that Dad had installed a few weeks ago in a weed-fueled bout of paranoia.

I hit the first two locks with Snap N Pops to open them, then got the key down from the alcove near the basement and undid the padlock. I hadn't even taken three steps out the front door however, when I heard a voice next to me laugh, and I turned to see Scott Malkinson wearing football pads and a bandolier with insulin and syringes on it, who told me, "Fear not! For it is I… Captain Diabetes!" 'Yup, it's who I thought it was.' I thought to myself.

Scott then continued, "Yes! A mild-mannered gentleman with the power of diabetes at his control!" He walked a few steps down my front yard as he explained, "I used to be a simple elementary school student, but then one day, a freak science accident turned my diabetes into superhuman strength!" He then turned to me and told me, "All right, Sidekick, we're supposed to go investigate a girl who might know the location of the missing cat. Follow me!"

With that, the two of us set off down the street, and I saw that Scott was now a Combat Buddy as he told me, "Ready? Let's go, Sidekick! Kyle's is this way!" The two of us passed Butters' and Cartman's houses without incident, but when we reached Stan's house, we came upon a beer-drunk Randy keying Sharon's car, and I face-palmed as I saw him. 'Well, at least THAT mission's done.' I thought to myself.

"Fuckin' bitch! Let's see how you like THIS!" Randy said, presumably referring to Sharon. Scott then went up to him and exclaimed, "I am Captain Diabetes and this is my faithful sidekick!" Randy looked to us for a moment before telling him, "Oh, OK… Well, move outta the way, huh? I need to go buy some more beer." "I'm sorry, but Captain Diabetes CANNOT let you drive!" Captain Diabetes told him, and Randy indignantly told him, "I'm fine to drive… OK? Get outta here!"

Captain Diabetes then snatched Randy's keys out of his hands, prompting him to yell, "Hey, GIMME MY KEYS!" "You are in no condition, sir!" Captain Diabetes told him sternly. Rand staggered around for a moment before steadying himself, telling Captain Diabetes, "I'm fine, OK? Look, wai- Look, look…I'm fine… OK? Gimme my keys. Please."

The Captain wasn't fooled however, and told him, "I'll return them, tomorrow!" Suddenly, Randy started grabbing at him while he yelled, "GIMME MY FUCKIN' KEYS, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" I quickly realized we were going to have to fight and tapped into my friendship energy, creating a baseball bat out of shimmering pink light that I used to hit him in the shin, making him hop one leg and give me an opportunity to hit him in the groin. He doubled over at my second hit and I was able to reach his head, knocking him back into Sharon's car and knocking him out.

I got a small amount of change and Randy's beer bottle as an Artifact, which I used to replace the Amulet of Contemplation I had gotten at the church. "All right, Sidekick, good work, but we've got a job to do!" Captain Diabetes told me, and we started back off in the direction of Kyle's house. When we reached the front door, he told me, "Go on in. There's a shortcut through Human Kite's base."

The two of us entered Kyle's house and went upstairs before the Captain told me, "The shortcut's up here through the attic. Human Kite gave us permission to use it. We just have to get into the attic." I then threw a Snap N Pop at the attic door and sent the ladder down. "Nice one, Sidekick!" He told me before we both went up the ladder. Once we reached the attic, I saw that it had been decorated to look like a city, having various cardboard boxes around colored like skyscrapers. "This is Human Kite's secret base!" Captain Diabetes told me.

I broke some ruined computers to clear our path to Kite's "Kite Line Express" as Captain Diabetes told me, "Farts make me angry. The Coon says it's because my mom farted giving birth to me, and that's why I have diabetes. I don't think that's why I have diabetes, though. I think it was a gift. To help fight crime."

I got a Yaoi picture off of a box and moved a stepladder over so that we could get up to where Kite had his zipline set up as he spoke. The two of us went down the zipline together, which seemed very dangerous, and as we moved along the wire, Captain narrated, "The fearless hero and his sidekick descend into the dark night, ready to strike down evil and bring peace to the city." He then turned to me and asked with insecurity in his voice, "You don't think people get diabetes cuz their moms farted during childbirth, do you? I feel like the Coon made that up to make Captain Diabetes feel insecure about himself…"

'If he did, it worked.' I thought to myself as we came to the end of the zipline and jumped off. "As you can see, Sidekick, at nighttime South Park is quite a different place." Captain Diabetes told me. I looked around and saw a few posters for some kind of concert around, but otherwise things looked pretty much the same, just darker. Captain Diabetes and I walked down the street, and we passed people who looked like they were partying, almost all of them drunk and some of them passed out.

Once we reached the Town Square, we saw that a huge crowd was assembled to watch the concert that was being advertised on the posters, and that a Port-a-Potty was blocking our way with a line of people who all looked like they had to use it nearby. When we got up to the portable toilet, Captain told me, "My diabetic rage will do just the trick!" He then pulled out a container of apple juice from his pocket and drank it down before muttering, "Oh my god, here it comes… that's so much sugar…" He then started freaking out, growling and stomping in place before he flipped over the Port-a-Potty, and I winced as I thought to myself, 'I feel sorry for whoever was in there.'

Captain panted as he muttered, "Oh my god, it's too much… Need insulin... Need insulin fast…" He took a syringe and a vial of insulin off of his bandolier and drew the medicine into the needle before injecting it into his leg, telling me once he was done, "Uhhaghg… Ughh. And I am perfectly normal! You see how masterfully I have learned to control my diabetes!" "That seems really dangerous, Scott." I pointed out.

"I am not Scott, I am Captain Diabetes! And your concern is appreciated, Sidekick, but I have my diabetes down to a science. You needn't worry about me!" He replied, and I shrugged as we moved on down the street, finding a bus and a bunch of music equipment blocking the way to the Police Station. Thankfully, it would seem that that wasn't our goal tonight, as Captain Diabetes turned to the right and continued down the sidewalk and across the street.

"Here it is!" The Captain told me as we reached the Peppermint Hippo, South Park's one and only strip club. 'Well, if we were going to find a girl with a penis tattoo, they would probably be here.' I figured, and Captain Diabetes continued, "Here's where we're going to find the girl…"

When we reached the sign, Captain Diabetes turned to me and told me, "There's sure to be unsavory characters and lots of boobies inside!" The two of us then walked through the front door, and as we walked up to him, the bouncer told us, "Hey, beat it kids. Twenty-one and older only." "Stand aside, citizen! It is I, Captain Diabetes! I must speak with the ladies inside!" Captain told him in his best superhero voice.

"Get outta here before I fuckin' throw you out." The bouncer casually told him in response. The two of us then left the building, and Captain Diabetes muttered to himself, "There's got to be another way inside." I walked down the street to see that there was an air vent that led inside the building, but it was blocked by the dumpster, so I destroyed the umbrella holding the lid up with a Snap N Pop, and the Captain told me, "Great detective work, Sidekick! Now we just need a way up there!"

I walked up to the payphone near the dumpster, but before I could figure out a way to get up onto it, Captain Diabetes told me, "Oh, of course! Stand aside, Sidekick!" He then pulled out another container of apple juice and drank it, activating his Diabetic Rage in order to rip the payphone out of the ground, creating a makeshift bridge for us to use. Once he was done, he gave himself another shot of insulin, and I told him, "You should really stop doing that."

He ignored me however, and the two of us went through the vent and into the bathroom, where a drunk guy was peeing into the urinal. We ignored him and went through the door into the main stage where we saw men all around us drinking and getting lap dances from strippers. "OK, we made it inside the strip club." The Captain told me, and the both of us looked around but didn't see any penis tattoos.

"Wow. These ladies are really uh… moving. Well, don't freak out, Sidekick. We're superheroes. We can handle this." Captain Diabetes muttered, more to himself than me. He then seemed to snap out of it and told me, "One of these ladies has information about the missing cats." "It's not any of them, Captain Diabetes, none of them have dick tattoos." I pointed out.

"But they'll know the one that does!" He retorted, and told me, "There's only one thing we can do. We have to pick someone and take them to the VIP room. Find someone and meet me there." Before I had any chance to protest, he ran off to the entrance of the VIP room. I sighed and reluctantly went up to some of the strippers. All of them deemed me too young without me even saying a word, which was fair, but when I went up to Captain Diabetes, he told me, "Hey Sidekick. No luck, huh? That's OK, I found a couple of guys. Remember to just play along!"

Just then, two guys walked up to us who looked like they had been drinking all day and night, and one of them with brown hair asked, "Hey, you two girls ready to party?" "So this is your friend, huh? She's fucking hot as fuck." The other one, that had black hair, muttered. "That's right! Wouldn't you like to take her to VIP?" Captain Diabetes asked them. The brown-haired one inspected me for a moment before doubtfully saying, "I dunno, she's kinda short…" His friend then turned to him and eagerly told him, "I like 'em short. You take the one with the speech impediment." "Come on, let's get some dances." The brown-haired one said. "I was thinking we could just go in there and talk for a little while." The Captain requested. The black-haired one then told him, "Yeah, first we get dances THEN we talk." "Oh, OK!" Captain Diabetes said.

I then pulled Scott aside and asked him in a frantic whisper, "Scott! What do you think you're doing?!" "I am Captain-" He began, but I cut him off and asked, "Forget the game for a second, Scott! These guys actually think we're strippers! We could be in serious danger here! And even putting that aside, how the fuck are they going to help us find the dick tattoo girl?!"

"They're regulars. The bartender says they're here every night. And we don't have a choice. We're too young to get any of the strippers to go with us!" Scott whispered back, and I desperately tried to find another solution in my head, but after a moment I sighed and conceded to him, "Alright, fine. But if things start to get hairy in there, I'm kicking their asses! Now come on, let's get this over with!"

With that, the four of us entered the VIP room, and the brown-haired one sat down with Captain Diabetes and told him to give him a lap dance. As the Captain complied, the black-haired one and I sat down on another couch, him making me uncomfortable as he put his arm around me. "So, have you gentlemen ever had dances from a girl with a penis tattoo?" Captain Diabetes asked them.

I mentally face-palmed at his poor attempt at interrogation, but the brown-haired man getting a lap dance from him told him, "Hey, we didn't come back here to talk, baby." 'How drunk do they have to be to mistake US for strippers? I thought Scott said they were here every night.' I thought to myself. Suddenly, the black-haired one next to me agreed with him, saying, "Yeah. No talking until you finish grinding on our chubs." "Oh, all right." Captain Diabetes conceded. "OK Sidekick, you know what this means…" He then continued.

I glared to the guy next to me as I thought, 'OK, he wants a lap dance? Let's see how he likes THIS!' I then climbed up onto him and started to wave my butt in front of his crotch, letting out audible and foul-smelling farts as I did so. "Oh god." He said disgustedly, and I decided to step it up a notch and started air-humping his thigh, making my farts more intense while I did. "Oh fuck, I think I'm gonna barf." He muttered.

I wasn't nearly done torturing him however, and moved over to fart on his crotch again, increasing my farts' power as he told me, "Jesus babe, you're stinkin' up the VIP room." Deciding to put the final nail in the coffin, I climbed up onto the frame of the couch and started twerking right in front of his face while letting out the worst farts that I could. He managed to last a full ten seconds of this before he surrendered and told me, "Aw, no no. Let's just talk, let's just talk."

I jumped off of him with my face glowing red as Captain Diabetes told the two, "OK, chat time." Not witnessing my gastrointestinal torture, the other muttered, "Chat time? Aww, mann." "So, what kind of work do you guys do? And have you danced with a girl that had a penis tattoo?" Captain Diabetes asked them. In confusion, the one Captain was dancing with asked him, "Why do you keep talking about a stripper with a penis tattoo?" The one I had tortured then exclaimed, "Yeah, yeah, Classi, that's her name!" 'Bingo.' I thought to myself.

"Her name is Classi?" Captain Diabetes asked the man whose tie he was currently holding. "Yeah, Classi with an I, and a little dick that hangs off the C which fucks the L out of the A-S-S." He muttered. "Of course! Hence the tattoo! We have the name, New Kid! Come on!" The Captain told me as he jumped off of his guy's lap.

He stood up and complained, "What are you talkin' about?! This is the worst VIP experience ever!" "Yeah, all I did was get farted on! You ain't goin' nowhere!" The other griped as the two moved to block the exit. Captain Diabetes then exclaimed, "Ha HAA! I am no ordinary stripper, I am… Captain Diabetes!" "Whaat?" One of them asked in confusion. Captain Diabetes then gestured to me and told them, "My sidekick and I simply used our powers of disguise to extract information from you!" "We didn't even change clothes." I pointed out to him, but was ignored.

"You won't get away with this, Captain Diabetes!" One of them exclaimed, and the two of them bore down on us menacingly. Acting fast, I tapped into my energy and created a lasso of pink light, which I looped around their ankles and pulled on, sending them crashing to the ground and knocking them unconscious as they groaned. "Nice work, Sidekick! Now come on, we need to find Classi!" Captain Diabetes told me. I got some scrap and a small amount of change from the fight before we went back into the main room of the club.

As we re-entered the club, the DJ reminded everyone to tip their waitress and passive-aggressively requested a drink. He then introduced a stripper named Esmerelda, and Captain Diabetes exclaimed, "That's it! The DJ calls the bitches' names, and then the bitches come out of that back room! New Kid, we need to find a way to distract the DJ." He looked down in thought for a moment before gasping and telling me, "I got it! Gin and Tonic always make my mom pass out. If we can make one and spike it with something really strong, he'll be out for sure! Go make that drink, Sidekick!"

I took a look around and went up to the bartender, but a Gin and Tonic was twenty-five bucks, so I just bought one of his cheap CDs so that he would take a selfie with me and bought a peppermint-colored dildo Artifact. When I opened my phone however, I saw that since I had reached Hero Rank 4, I had a new Artifact Slot, this one for Major Artifacts. I somehow had one that was just a silver fidget spinner, so I equipped it and replaced my Idol of Vitality with the Reaming Rod of Gargantua I had just gotten. I then went into the kitchen and snuck behind the bar to steal a Gin and Tonic.

When we went back to the kitchen, Captain Diabetes spotted a jar full of boogers and cum normally reserved for Yelpers. Since it was too far up to hit with a Snap N Pop, I turned on the fryer below it instead and ignited the flames with a thrown fart, sending the jar crashing down. I collected some without touching it and went into the back room. Looking around, I saw a rat scurrying around on top of a shelf, so I climbed up with the help of a stepladder and a broken shelf and collected some of its droppings, again without touching them.

I mixed the disgusting items with the alcoholic beverage, and once I was done, I set it on the ground for Captain Diabetes' inspection. "Hm, do you think it's gross enough to knock the DJ out of commission?" He asked. He had a point, since he was DJing for a strip club he had to have a pretty thick skin, so I turned around and farted onto the drink, accidentally hitting the Captain as I did so. "Oh god… Oh god…" He muttered, then shook his head in anger and exclaimed, "FARTS!"

Captain Diabetes quickly composed himself and explained to me, "I'm sorry you had to see that, Sidekick…but nothing in this world makes me more angry than farts. It awakens the deep-seated rage that I harbor within me." He then continued with a wistful tone, "I wish it didn't have to be farts… But that'll definitely take the DJ out long enough for us to call out Classi." I picked the DJ Special back up and we left the back room and went back into the main room of the club, then went up to the DJ and handed him the spiked drink.

When he saw us give him the alcoholic beverage, the DJ said, "All right! Someone finally bought the DJ a drink! That's really nice of you…" He then drank the DJ Special in one go, making my stomach churn for a moment as he said, "That went down really good. The DJ sure does appreciate it…" He then started clutching his stomach as he muttered, "Uuugh… Oh… oh man, I think someone farted in my drink, guys. I'll be right back. Be sure to tip your waitress-" He then ran off into the bathroom.

Captain Diabetes then told me, "Great work, New Kid. Wow!" And took the DJ's place at the turntables and spoke into the microphone, telling the club in his best DJ voice, "All right, everybody. Be sure to tip your waitress. Things are about to get a little hot up on the main stage. Please welcome CLASSSII…"

He trailed off as he introduced her, and after she didn't appear, Captain announced, "Uuh, that's right, guys, let's get her on out here. That's Classi with an I and a little dick that hangs off of the C and fucks the L out of the A-S-S. Give it up for… Classsii!" Just then, a dark-skinned woman came out of the backstage area and asked, "Ay, what you callin' me out for?! I ain't on stage yet."

When she saw us, Classi said, "Wait a minute! You ain't the DJ!" "THAT MUST BE HER, New Kid!" Captain Diabetes exclaimed, and Classi muttered, "Aww, shit, it's 5-0! Cops are here!" She then ran backstage, and Captain followed her as he exclaimed, "AFTER HER!" And I sighed in exasperation as I followed them. I then got an Artifact out of a chest before Captain Diabetes and I went into the dressing room.

When we walked in, there were a large assortment of strippers talking and applying makeup all around us, many of them far less attractive than the ones that had been dancing onstage. Classi was near the back, and when she saw us, she told the room, "They after me, ladies! Stop 'em!"

At that, every stripper in the room turned towards us. "NOBODY'S ALLOWED BACK HERE!" One of them told us, and another backed her up, saying, "Yeah! Get lost!" Captain wasn't deterred however, and told them, "Stand aside, ladies! Captain Diabetes and his sidekick need to question that stripper!" He pointed to Classi as he spoke, and one of the strippers told him, "You wanna get to her… You're gonna have to go through us!" "Bring it on!" Another said.

And with that, a battle began as the DJ apparently got back from the bathroom. The two of us pushed our way through the crowd of strippers, using our various abilities to push them back and knock them out as Classi ran for the exit. Once we had managed to catch up with her however, she told us, "Oh you little bastards done fucked up! Get 'em, Bootay!"

The ground shook as Classi ran off and the DJ started introducing a new girl named Spontaneous Bootay, and once we saw her, we knew how she got her name. She was huge, and wearing a blue bikini top with white stars that didn't even cover her nipples and a tiny blue thong with fishnet stockings. She burst through the wall and told us, "Hey, honey. You ain't ready for this bootay!" She then walked a few steps towards us before jumping up and smashing onto the ground ass-first, smashing a few chairs with her gigantic ass. Captain Diabetes had a shocked look on his face as he muttered, "Oh my god. She'll crush us alive with her massive butt!" 'And here I thought my ass was dangerous.' I thought.

The two of us ran towards Classi with renewed vigor, our attacks defeating the strippers in one hit each as our fear gave them increased strength. The whole while, Bootay was stomping down on her butt towards us, barely missing us a few times. We finally managed to reach Classi, but when we got to her, she told us, "Uh-uh, you'll never take ME alive!" She then ran out of the exit and we followed her with Spontaneous Bootay on our heels.

I somehow got some scrap and change from the fight and we emerged from the Peppermint Hippo, but when we got into the alleyway we saw an Italian man in a dark suit waiting for us at the door to Buca de Faggoncini, and he told us, "Go on, scram! I ain't afraid to use this thing…" And fired a shot straight upwards.

It backfired on him however, as the bullet hit the sign directly above him, sending it crashing down onto him and killing him instantly. I winced at the impact, but Captain Diabetes didn't seem fazed as he told me, "Come on, New Kid! Into that restaurant!" The sign was still blocking the door however, and Captain realized this as he told me, "Stand aside, Sidekick! It's time for… DIABETIC RAAAAAGE!"

He then took out another box of apple juice and drank it in one go, shaking with anger before he tried and failed to lift the sign. He panted as he gave up, and muttered, "Even my diabetic rage can't move this sign!" He started panting and muttered, "Oh god… It's too much… Uh – I need my insulin… My – I need my…" The Captain then started searching his bandolier for insulin, but it would seem he was all out as he couldn't find any.

In a panic, he told me, "Oh no! OH GOD! I'M OUT OF INSULIN!" "I told you that you shouldn't be doing that!" I told him, but he ignored me and grabbed me by the front of my costume, yelling, "YOU GOTTA HELP ME, I DRANK THE APPLE JUICE BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY INSULIN! I'M GOING INTO DIABETIC SHOCK!" He started shaking as he got a dazed look on his face and muttered, "I'M… I'M DYING! OH GOD! MOM! MOM, I'M DYING, SOMEBODY PLEASE… Please… uh? HUH? UHH-"

He then collapsed to the ground and stopped moving. I rolled my eyes and shook him, telling the boy, "Okay Captain Diabetes, you've proven your point. Come on, get up." He didn't move however, and I raised my eyebrow as I asked him, "Captain Diabetes?" When I still didn't get a response, I asked, "Scott?"

He still didn't move however, and I whispered, "Oh fuck." Before I checked his neck for a pulse. It was there, but it was weak and fading fast. I picked up the apple juice that he had dropped and saw that it was a special promotional item that had over three times the normal amount of sugar for its brand! Suddenly, I got a FaceTime call from Coon, who asked, "This is Coon, checking in… how's it going for you guys?"

I told him in a panic, "Cartman! Scott drank some kind of crazy apple juice and he doesn't have any insulin and-" I was interrupted however, as he ignored me and said, "Everything cool there? Cool… keep me updated." He then hung up on me, and I growled in frustration as I pulled a Revival Serum out of my necklace. Before I could give it to Scott however, I froze as I realized something. I took a look around me as my body started to tremble uncontrollably, desperately trying to recognize my surroundings. The effort was in vain however, and the Revival Serum fell through numb fingers as I backed up, my breathing turning quick and short. It was dark out, I didn't know where I was or how to get home from here, and with the Italian guy dead and Scott halfway there, I was alone. My Monophobia was setting in.

I tried desperately to keep it at bay, to force myself to pick up the Revival Serum and bring Scott back to life, but my body wouldn't listen to me, and I fell to the ground and started to curl into a ball as tears leaked from my eyes and snow started to fall from the sky. 'Please,' I thought, 'Not now. Not like this. This can't happen now.' I sobbed as I realized I was helpless to do anything, and I truly thought that Scott would die before I heard a voice echoing through my head, telling me, "You can't give up now, New Kid."

I shakily raised my head to see a transparent Morgan Freeman standing in front of me. "Morgan Freeman?" I quietly asked. "I told you that I could do incredible things with my ass, New Kid." He told me, then continued, "It's time, New Kid. You must unlock the powers that lie dormant within you. Eat the Enchirito, New Kid. It's the only way…" He faded away as he trailed off of the last sentence, and I nodded with determination and stood up, Morgan's appearance dispelling my Monophobia and allowing me to function for the moment. I then retrieved the Enchirito that I had crafted from the Dragon's Heart. 'Here goes everything.' I thought to myself before I dug in, finishing the Crafted food item in two bites and washing it down with some water that I had with me.

I didn't feel anything for a moment, and I was worried that my Monophobia would set back in before I could do anything until I felt a deep rumbling in my stomach. I clutched my gut and groaned as a strange pressure built. I then took a deep breath before letting out the biggest fart that I had ever witnessed, the gas quickly permeating throughout the alleyway. Suddenly, everything seemed to… reverse, for lack of a better term. I watched in amazement as Scott picked himself back up and stumbled around dazedly before failing to lift the sign, trying to, and sipping his apple juice, performing every action that he had performed backwards.

The sign from the restaurant rose back up and repaired itself, the bullet returning to the man's gun as he himself returned to normal, and the reversal stopped there, time moving normally now as Scott and the unknown man looked around in confusion. "Ah – I'm alive? What happened? Who are you?! Ahh!" The man exclaimed before he ran back inside the restaurant. In confusion, Scott asked me, "Wait a minute… What happened? I thought I died from diabetes!"

"You almost did." I told him, and continued, "Look, Scott, this was too close a call. You can't do that 'Diabetic Rage' anymore. Next time…" I paused for a moment before deciding that I probably shouldn't tell him that I could reverse time with my asshole and continued, "Whatever… just happened… Might not happen. You can't risk this again." Scott took a deep breath and told me, "I know. I just wanted to help Coon and Friends so badly that I… I guess I got a little carried away."

I smiled and told him, "It's alright. Now come on, Captain Diabetes. Let's go get the girl with the dick tattoo!" Captain Diabetes told me, "Yeah! Let's go get her, Sidekick!" He then ran off into the restaurant before I could follow him. Suddenly, Morgan Freeman appeared behind me again and told me, "Very good, New Kid. Your powers are growing." I then turned to him and asked, "What was that?" He explained to me, "That… was TimeFart Glitch. It's one of several powerful TimeFarts that will allow you to bend time to your will. You see, the TimeFarts are an ancient form of fart magic that was deemed too powerful for mortal asses. I am the only one on Earth who can use them today. Or at least, I was. I'm passing my knowledge on to you, so that the ancient secrets of this magic will be preserved. Use it well, New Kid. Use it well…" He then faded away again as a new freckle appeared on his cheek.

I nodded before I ran inside the restaurant to follow Captain Diabetes, who told me that he had called for backup while I was back in the alley. Classi was nowhere in sight, so we walked through the restaurant and passed several pretentious people chugging wine before we found Coon, Human Kite, and Mosquito sitting at a table near the front entrance. "There you are! Where's the girl?" Coon asked as he saw us approach.

Captain Diabetes asked them as he looked around the restaurant, "She was just here! You didn't see her come in?" Coon then lied, "Uh, no. We were busy… syncing our watches." Human Kite was having none of this however, and told us, "No, we were looking at menus. Because Cartman made us order food!" 'Wait a minute, so while I was watching two people fucking DIE, Cartman was eating breadsticks?!' I thought to myself angrily.

The Coon didn't pick up on my outrage however, and told Kite, "Fighting crime on an empty stomach is very dangerous, Human Kite! It's for your own good." "Whatever." Kite responded. Mosquito then chimed in, telling us, "She couldn't have left – we would've seen her go out the front door." "Well, maybe she's in the back!" Captain Diabetes said.

"OK, you guys check it out. Call us if you need help. We'll be waiting with our breadsticks." Coon told us, clearly not willing to actually put in any effort on this mission. I saw on my phone that The Coon was now a Combat Buddy before Captain Diabetes and I went into the kitchen. However, we were almost immediately met with a quartet of angry chefs and a barricade made of boxes and a still with a green base. The chefs then started a battle before we could get a chance to ask them anything, Human Kite and Coon running in to help us.

The head chef had the first turn, and he moved to stand behind one of his comrades before Coon rushed forward with his Coon Lunge to claw two of the others and make them advance a space each. One of them was about to throw a wooden spork at Captain Diabetes, but I used Glitch to skip his turn, acting like I was as confused as everyone else once it was done. The other chef that Coon had hit smacked him in the face with his own spork, and I used Triple Burn to damage the one that had almost hit the Captain.

The big chef that the head chef was hiding behind moved forward a space before Captain Diabetes rushed forward and tackled the two that the Coon had hit before with Sugar Rush, making them advance again. Human Kite then used Laser Burn to damage the big one, but the head chef simply healed him with a wine toast, making the effort for nothing. Coon used Coon Lunge again to defeat one of the chefs and damage the other one, who hit Captain Diabetes with a spork.

I used Triple Burn to finish him off, and the big chef moved forward one space before Captain moved down and damaged the head chef with Insulin Shock, Slowing the cook and giving himself Protection. Human Kite used Laser burn to damage the big chef again, but the head chef undid the damage a second time. Coon then moved diagonally one space and skipped his turn before I used Heat Wave to knock the big chef backwards and deal some damage.

The big chef then hit Captain Diabetes with a hammer, destroying his Protection and knocking him back. In retaliation, the Captain struck the large chef with Coma Combo, dealing a good amount of damage. Kite then used Laser Burn to damage the head chef, who would have healed himself and his cohort if I hadn't skipped his turn with Glitch.

Coon used his Coon Pounce to deal damage to the big chef and switch places with him before I hit him with Heat Wave. The big chef retreated backwards a space before Captain Diabetes finished him off with his Coma Combo. With that, the head chef was alone, and Kite used Laser Burn to damage him before he hit Coon with a rolling pin, dealing a good amount of damage. Coon used Coon claws in retaliation, inflicting Bleeding and damaging the chef before I used Heat Wave to damage him further. Captain Diabetes then finished him off with Coma Combo.

I got some scrap and change from the battle before the Captain told me, "Those carbohydrate crusaders were no match for the Coon and Friends, huh Sidekick?" I nodded with a smile on my face before he turned around and continued, "Classi must have gone this way… but the path is barricaded! I could easily lift this out of the way… but I can't use my apple juice without insulin to bring me back down."

I put my hand on my chin as I thought to myself, 'If I can make Scott angry, then he won't need his apple juice to lift that still. But what makes him angry?' Just then, a metaphorical light bulb went off above my head, and I sighed to myself as I thought, 'Of course it would be that.' I opened my mouth to tell Captain Diabetes, but I coughed as my throat started to ache. I clutched my neck as I thought to myself, 'Damn. I've been talking too much tonight.'

"Are you okay, Sidekick? Do you have an idea on how to get through the barricade?" Captain asked me. Unable to respond verbally, I turned around and farted in his face, causing him to cringe and get an angry expression for a moment before apparently realizing what I was trying to tell him. "Wait, that's it!" He exclaimed, then continued, "Your FARTS, Sidekick! Your terrible farts that throw me into fits of rage!"

He looked down as he had a realization, and muttered, "Of course… The Coon wasn't trying to make me feel insecure when he told me that my mom's farts gave me diabetes. He was trying to help me unlock my true power!" 'Pretty sure he was just fucking with you.' I thought, unable to talk for the moment. "We've gotta get through here and get to Classi, Sidekick. For the good of South Park… For Coon and Friends… I need you to fart on my face." The Captain told me. I sighed before I moved him in front of the still and had him lie down before awkwardly climbing on top of him. I took a deep breath before releasing several short and powerful farts into his face.

Once he looked ready to tear something apart, I got off of him and he leaped upwards before grabbing the base of the still and ripping it out of the ground. Captain Diabetes panted as he finished and told me, "We did it…! The path is clear! It's hard for me to lose control of myself, but if we're ever in a dire situation like that again, Sidekick, know that you can fart in my face." I then got an alert on my phone that said I had unlocked a Buddy Power, which was apparently something I could use to get passed certain obstacles. According to my phone, I could use Scott's power to tip over anything that had a green base, and I groaned as I remembered seeing several of those things in my explorations of the town.

I decided to put it out of my mind as we went through the door to the back, me looting a red crate along the way. When we opened the door, we saw a room filled with nothing but cats, dozens of them crammed into pet carriers and stacked onto shelves on the far wall. I caught my breath as Captain Diabetes muttered, "HOLY GUACAMOLE! What is this?!" We looked over the scene in front of us for a moment before the Captain said, "Oh man! We gotta tell the guys."

He then grabbed his shirt and spoke into what was apparently a microphone, "COON! COON, COME IN!" I then got a FaceTime call from Coon, who said, "Yes, Captain Diabetes." The Captain told him, "We found missing cats! A whole room of them." Excitedly, Coon asked, "Dude! Is Scrambles one of them?" Captain Diabetes took a quick look around before replying, "Uhh… Negative. None of them are fat and old."

"And what about the girl?" Coon asked. "We're still tracking her." Captain Diabetes replied. "We have to find out what she knows. Get going!" Coon replied before hanging up. "We're so close I can smell it! Come on, Sidekick!" The Captain told me. I looted a nearby box before pushing a cage with a cat in it forward, then used Glitch to reset it back to its former position, clearing our path.

I then sold the inferior Artifacts I had at a vending machine and Crafted some Burritos, wanting to be prepared for whatever happened once we went through that door. Captain Diabetes put his ear to the door and told me, "Hold on, Sidekick. Sounds like there could be trouble behind that door." 'Kinda figured that already.' I thought to myself. Regardless, he muttered, "There's someone in there."

He then took a charging stance and yelled, "One. Two. Diabetes!" He then burst through the door to reveal four Italian guys playing poker with Classi standing beside their table. They were laughing, but stopped when they saw us come in and Classi told them, "See, I told you the cops were chasing me!" "And you lead them here, you stupid bitch?!" One of them asked her.

Indignantly, Classi told him, "Uh-uh, who you calling a stupid bitch?! Do I look like your mama?!" Ignoring the exchange, Captain told her, "The jig is up, Classi!" "These kids are cops?!" Another one of the Italian guys asked, disbelief in his voice. 'FINALLY! Someone thinks that the TWO TEN-YEAR OLDS aren't cops!' I thought to myself sarcastically. The leader then told him, "That ain't no cop… That's Captain Diabetes!" He got up from his chair and continued, "When he was born his mom farted during labor and it gave him diabetes that he uses to fight crime!"

"That is NOT how people get diabetes!" Captain told him. "If they aren't cops – Then we can shoot 'em! Along with THIS bitch too!" The one that had questioned our status as cops told the room, and the four pulled out pistols as they lead us to the back of the room to stand next to Classi, who remarked, "Aw shit, y'all turning on me?! I knew I shouldn't have went into business with y'all Tony Soprano-looking motherfuckers!"

Ignoring her, the leader told the Captain, "So long… Captain Diabetes. Let's see your diabetes save you now." I got ready to use my energy powers as they all took the safeties off of their guns, but it would seem they wouldn't be necessary as Randy chose that moment to burst through the door, roaring to the room with his pants down his ankles and a glass of red wine in his hand. "I WANT MY KEEEYS!" He screamed at the leader as he grabbed him by his jacket, and the sober man told him, "I DON'T HAVE YOUR KEYS, MAN!"

Randy roared and threw him into the wall as Classi screamed, and before he passed out, the leader told everyone, "He's wasted on red wine!" "Red-wine drunk is the worst drunk there is!" Another one of them muttered. Randy then punched him in the face before beating up all three of the remaining mobsters. "Let's get the fuck out of here!" One of them said, and they all ran out the door, leaving us to face Randy, who turned to the Captain and told him with eerie calmness, "All right, Captain Diabetes… THIS IS IT… Give me… my FUCKIN' keys!"

'Give him his keys, Scott.' I begged him in my mind, but the Captain defied my mental begging and sternly told him, "YOU are in no condition to drive!" "Then… DIEEEEEEEE!" Randy said with murder in his voice, and he chugged his glass of wine before we all took our places in a combat grid, Coon and Human Kite running in to help us.

Randy would have one-shot Captain Diabetes, but I used Glitch to skip his turn, and Coon used Coon Pounce to damage Randy and switch places with him as Classi complained about what just happened, thankfully not realizing that it was me. I then used Sand Trap to damage Randy some more, breaking the table by accident as I did so. Captain Diabetes then moved as far away from him as he could and skipped his turn since we would automatically lose if he was defeated, and Human Kite used Laser burn to damage Randy some more.

Randy's turn rolled around then, but it would seem he was occupied as he texted Sharon to fuck off, which I'm guessing she would be pretty mad about in the morning. He then chugged a bottle of red wine before punching the Captain and I, drop-kicking him once he was finished. 'He may be cheating, but for being completely wasted he's doing pretty well with our combat grid.' I thought to myself. Coon then used Coon Claws to damage Randy before I put myself between him and the Captain and used Heat Wave, knocking him back into Coon and causing him to take even more damage.

Captain Diabetes moved away and skipped his turn again before Kite moved behind me and hit Randy with Laser Burn. Randy then took his phone out again and asked us who let Sharon know that he was here before telling her he was looking for his keys. He then chugged another bottle of wine before taking damage from the Bleeding effect that Coon had given him. He then hit Captain Diabetes again, depleting him down to one Health before I used Heat Wave to finish him off, knocking him to the ground where he gave up and muttered that he would take a cab.

Once he was defeated, we turned our sights to Classi, who backed up as she told us, "All right, all right, shit! Look, all I know is that there's a kingpin running around trying to get new high-grade drugs out onto the streets! It's somebody trying to bring the Italian and Chinese crime families TOGETHER and shit!" Coon ignored her however, and demanded as he took out his Scrambles poster, "Enough small talk! Where is Scrambles?!" I then face-palmed and thought to myself, 'Only Cartman could ignore a REAL crime conspiracy in order to find a missing cat.'

Classi was confused for a moment but apparently thankful for the diversion and asked him, "Scrambles?" "We need this reward money for our superhero franchise!" Coon told her. "Oh shit, y'all just want a cat?" Classi asked with a relieved tone. 'Well, THEY do.' I thought to myself.

I stopped to free the cats in the other room before we all went back to the Coon lair, where Classi was talking about someone named Cisco and how she was her own pimp before Coon asked her, "Classi, Classi, I'm sorry, but, wh-what about the cats?" She replied that the cats were dealt with by some Asian guy whose name she probably got wrong and who was paying the sixth graders to steal cats. She then started babbling again and Human Kite asked her, "Where do the cats GO?" "I can tell you… but I ain't saying SHIT until I know I'm safe, you understand? These guys ain't playin' and I need to know that you gonna protect my ass." Classi replied.

Just then, we heard a voice from the stairs exclaim, "ERIC CARTMAN!" We all looked up to see Mrs. Cartman standing there in a bathrobe, and she told him, "Do you have any idea what time it is? This is a SCHOOL NIGHT!" "Mom, not now. We're seriously on to something." Coon said, dismissing her. She ignored him as she told us, "You kids all get home NOW or I'm calling your parents!"

That seemed to light a fire under everyone's asses, and Mosquito, Super Craig, and Human Kite left the room quickly, Kite begging Mrs. Cartman not to tell his mom. Fastpass got up as well, but before he could leave, Mrs. Cartman gestured to Classi and asked, "And who is this stripper woman?" "These Coon friends offered me protection." The stripper replied. "Well, she's not staying here." Mrs. Cartman told her son.

"Fine, Fastpass, take her to your house." Coon told him. "OK." The Speedster replied before picking up Classi and zooming off. Thankfully, I seemed to escape Mrs. Cartman's notice, and went home to bed before my parents could wake up.

And that is the chapter. I personally liked how it came out and am glad if you liked it. Thank you for reading and I'll see you in the next chapter, and as always, no flames please.