Chapter 2 …Of Italian Men and Pink Plaid Shirts
"Welcome to Happy Days Gay Couple Retreat, a purely bonding experience for the alternative couple," said the overly cheerful camp Head.
The retreat was really a nice beachy place in Florida, complete with huts, boats and a tiki bar. Gibbs had never felt so weirded out in his life, and he does not weird out easily. Everywhere were the oddest sight of couples he had ever seen; fat, thin, overly pink, and these were just the guys. It's not that he was homo-phobic, he'd just never seen so many at once, it was a little disconcerting to him.
"I forgot, which one of us is the effeminate one?" said Ducky, just off to the right of him.
Gibbs could not believe what Ducky was wearing; it was almost painful to look at. He was wearing the dorkiest plaid shorts Gibbs had ever seen, they came up at Ducky's waist, and came down to just above his knees, and through some sick twist of fate he had found a pink plaid button down shirt, and yellow suspenders. It made Gibbs want to cry. Of course it was topped with Ducky's normal hat that he wore all the time at crime scenes, along with a pair of round pinkish sunglasses, which just put the cherry on top of the whole package.
Gibbs was wearing his usual outfit, minus the badge and the gun, except he wore a pair of brown leather sandals, a baby blue shirt, which he didn't tuck in, and socks, which, according to Abby was a unique fashion statement all on its own. Apparently she hasn't seen Ducky yet.
"Jethro, oh I'm sorry, Harlan, which one is playing the effeminate one?" said Ducky, breaking Gibbs out of his reverie.
"You of course Ducky, who the hell dressed you?" said Gibbs trying to resist the urge to slap Ducky in the back of the head.
"Oh, you like? Abby picked it out for me, saying my wardrobe wasn't gay enough," said Ducky casually. Gibbs should of known.
"The purse is a nice touch," said Gibbs.
"FYI: it's a bag, and thank you my dear," said Ducky humorously.
"FYI?" said Gibbs, confusedly.
"For Your Information, Gibbs, something Abby taught me."
"Ah, I see you've taken the Abby's crash course in femininity," said Gibbs.
"Apparently my gay was too Hollywood, well can you blame me, they never taught gay in Eton, actually back then gay meant happy, they used them in folksongs," Ducky took a moment to let the personal embarrassment of the situation wash over him.
"Maybe she just wanted to see you in pink," said Gibbs with a smirk.
"She probably did go a little overboard," said Ducky taking a good look at his ridiculous outfit.
Approximately 20 feet away…
Tony and McGee stepped out of the rental car. This was, in Tony's book, the worst undercover mission he ever had to go on, and it hadn't even started yet. Ziva was never going to let him forget this episode; he remembered that Kate never let him forget about the time he kissed a transsexual, how long would they keep it over his head if he kissed McGee. He could practically see his reputation with the ladies slipping away.
"So Fernando," said McGee, slamming the car door to get Tony's attention.
"Yes, Tyler," the contempt weighed heavy in Tony's tone.
"Are you going to get the bags or am I going to have to?" asked McGee.
"Well I am the senior field agent out of the two of us, so think about it McGoo!" said Tony.
"Well you're supposed to be the one wearing the 'pants' in this relationship, why don't you try being a gentleman," said McGee; he was thoroughly enjoying bugging Tony about this whole thing. It wasn't ideal in his mind either, but once he saw uncomfortable it made Tony he saw it as a prime opportunity to get a taste of his own medicine.
"There will be no removal of these pants, you got that Mr. McCreepy," said Tony, giving McGee his best serious face, "I can sense that you are way too happy about this whole thing so you just keep your hands to yourself, and I won't have to remove them."
McGee couldn't help but smirk at Tony's insecurity. Tony eyed McGee as he grabbed the luggage from the trunk, slamming it down once he was down. The guy hadn't stopped smiling since they started the trip down here, it was beyond disturbing, no guy should ever look that forward to a week in Gay Paradise, at least, no supposed heterosexual guy.
They walked into the central area to sign into the registration. Tony looked around at all the suspects (technically couples, but he was thinking from purely a criminal investigators point of view), if he was going to get this over with as quickly as possible his investigatory skills had to keep sharp. Tony really didn't want to be here.
His eyes scanned the couples in the beach area, some were kissing (how creepy); some were ordering drinks from the bar, others were checking out the scenery, others just sort of hanged out, meeting and greeting. Then Tony's eyes came across the most unusual sight, or should he say couple. They were clearly the oldest couple in the whole group. They were walking around together, arm in arm, saying 'Hello' to the other couples, introducing themselves, you know, the usual pleasantries.
"Oh my gosh, is that Gibbs and Ducky?" said McGee from behind him.
"I believe so," said Tony in disbelief at the two characters in front of them, pulling off a very believable, if somewhat odd, couple.
"If I didn't know them you'd think they were really a pair," said McGee.
"They remind me of my grandparents, if of course I had two grand-dads," said Tony who really wished a hand would slap the back of his head and wake him up from this weird dream he was having.
"Actually, aside from the shorts, Ducky is dressed exactly the same way my grandmother used to dress."
"That's incredibly disturbing McGee, I now understand why you have such problems getting dates," said Tony.
McGee's smile dropped into a frown at Tony's remark.
"You need to sign in Fernando!" said McGee with a certain emphasis.
Tony and McGee stood their glaring at each other for what seemed like 5 minutes.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," said the overly cheerful headman, "ok, I can see why you two are here, well, we're here to help."
"He's beyond help at this point," said Tony, he still stayed locked-eyed with McGee.
"Just go sign the stupid registration form!" said McGee through gritted teeth.
With that Tony and McGee stopped their rather intense staring competition.
"Love and understanding my friends, that's what you're going to learn at Happy Days!" said the camp head with a huge, white smile.
"We're in Hut 5!" said Abby. She and Ziva had arrived about half an hour ago, all smiles and handshakes. The signed in, and spent the next twenty minutes drinking and greeting all the other couples. To them this was like camp, summer camp for Abby, Mossaud training camp for Ziva, but the same principle applied. They were laughing and giggling, having a good ole time. Now they just had to settle into their hut, change into some nice beachwear, grab some samosas from the tiki bar, and get a picture of Ducky in his outfit before he changed and burned it. They had not seen it yet, so they were rushing before Ducky and Gibbs threw the pink shirt into the ocean.
"So you actually got him to wear pink!" said Ziva, she was still in disbelief.
"Totally, he looks incredibly sexy!" said Abby, with a certain jokingness about it.
"You think he looks sexy in everything!" said Ziva, matter-of-factly.
"But he looks especially sexy in pink!" Abby smiled double wide at the remark.
"I'll never understand you Abby!" said Ziva.
They walked over to the main area where couples were still conversing and greeting. Ziva let out a 'Ha!' as she immediately spotted the team's fearless leader and Medical Examiner.
"Oh my Abby, you really got him to wear pink!" she said through her giggles.
"It was easy, he came to me for help, and I wrapped him around my finger," she said lifting her index finger for emphasis.
"The poor unfortunate sucker!" said Ziva bursting into a laughing riot.
"Oh dear Jethro, we've been spotted," said Ducky, who recognized the laughs of his two female colleagues.
"It's worse, now they have photo evidence," said Gibbs pointing at the small black digital camera in Abby's hand.
"She's never going to let me forget this, isn't she?" said Ducky pitifully.
"Not on your life! Remember Rule 40."
"Never mess with your coffee?"
"No that is rule 23."
"Is there a rule 40?"
"Now there is."
"Alright Jethro, what is it?"
"Never let a woman play you," Gibbs took another sip of the coffee he had ordered from the bar.
Ducky shrugged, at this point in time he couldn't argue with Gibbs logic; he felt ridiculous.
"May we find our quarters so I can get out of this wretched thing?" said Ducky.
"Of course Duck."
The head of the retreat sounded off his bullhorn.
"Attention Couples! The first activity will be starting in 20 minutes, bring your beachwear."
"Oh I hope there's drinking involved," said Ducky, he never wanted to be back in autopsy, examining the insides of a dead petty officer more than right at this moment.
"Thank god it's just a weekend," said Gibbs with a small chuckle, this was going to be an interesting weekend.