Chapter Two

Jane closes the door to her apartment and leans back against it with a sigh. There's a tightness in her chest – like her heart is all tied up and knotted underneath her skin. She knows she should be happy, ecstatic even – and she is – but now, it's real. All of those feelings that she has spent years burying and denying are suddenly tangible things. They are within her grasp, and, more importantly, hers to lose.

When she tries to focus on what that means her brain sends her image after image of moments that have only ever occurred in her daydreams

Like falling asleep next to Maura – wrapped up in blankets and each other. Of waking up to the smell of breakfast and coffee and Maura's perfume all around her. Of sitting opposite Maura on the couch reading a book while Maura reads a journal, her toes lightly touching Jane's thighs.

She trips for a moment over logistics. Over the idea of being a woman and loving a woman, over lines and labels and definitions and all of the complications that are sure to arise. But she finds her footing again over the image of her hand tucked safely into Maura's. She can imagine the softness of Maura's skin against hers, the way her fingers would feel intertwined with her own. Jane has never wanted to hold anyone's hand before, but now the need to do so is almost overwhelming.

In this moment, the how's and the what if's don't matter. She just wants to revel in the thought that these ideas are not just for her imagination anymore. They're going to happen.

It's mildly terrifying.

And exhilarating.

She flops down on her couch unceremoniously. She takes a deep breath.

Maura is in love with her.

That fact feels more like fantasy than reality and she doesn't know what to do with herself. She knows it's not going to be easy. The years she has spent shoring up her defenses and denying her feelings aren't going to go away in one night with one confession. There are things they need to have serious discussions about – big, heavy things – and just the thought of that makes her hands shake. But – and here her heart flutters excitedly in her chest – she wants this. She wants this more than anything, in a way she didn't know was possible, and her heart is the happiest it's been in a long time. With that thought she makes her way to her bedroom and hopes morning comes quickly.

…

Early the next morning, the sun shines through the crack between the curtains in Maura's bedroom. She wakes up slowly, rising through the fog of sleep with slow blinks and a soft sigh. She rubs a hand over her face before letting it fall limply back onto the mattress. She had no idea when exactly, she fell asleep. Her mind had been racing with questions and ideas of her and Jane. And still, even in these early hours, a cocktail of conflicting emotions sits restlessly inside her chest.

She takes a deep breath before crawling from underneath her blankets and making her way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

It's undeniable that a metaphorical weight has been lifted from her shoulders, but it also means that things are going to be different now. Between her and Jane. Between them as a unit and everyone else. This is one of those turning points in life. One of those moments where the things that are happening now have weight and will carry long into her future. And she doesn't know yet how to reconcile who she and Jane were and have always been, with who they would become together.

At this moment, alone in her house, that notion is entirely daunting.

A paralyzing fear grips her heart and refuses to let go. She's afraid that in the light of day Jane will change her mind. Every time she thought of this scenario Jane's rejection was the one constant. She never imagined that Jane would reciprocate her feelings, that she'd be open for a relationship. Except that's exactly what happened and it leaves Maura in uncharted territory. Floundering. Unsure. She doesn't like it.

She looks at herself through the mirror. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes fearful. She looks just as shaken as she feels. She grips the edge of the sink until her knuckles turn white. As she turns to look down at the faucet her eyes land on her toothbrush holder.

She takes a deep breath. Jane's toothbrush sits next to her own, a green cap over the bristles. It's silly, but the evidence of Jane in her home, in her life, in her bathroom in this utterly domestic of ways eases her nerves and makes her smile.

She brushes a hand over the green plastic. We're doing this backwards, she thinks.

Jane already has a toothbrush and a drawer – practically a whole closet of clothes in her guest room. Instead of instilling fear, the thought is a comforting one. The knot in her stomach begins to disentangle itself.

They already know each other. Isn't that half the battle with dating? Opening up to them about vulnerabilities and the darker parts of one's personality? "We've already done that," she reminds herself. Jane knows all of her idiosyncrasies, knows about her job, her history, her family – and loves her.

Jane loves her.

She finds herself grinning at the thought. She takes another steadying breath before continuing with her morning routine.

A few minutes later, Maura walks into her kitchen. Her hair is tied back into a bouncy pony-tail and she's wearing black and purple running tights and a long-sleeve top. Every Saturday morning she and Jane do their best to go for a run together. Sometimes all they have energy for is a short one, but other times they go for long periods. She's hoping today's run is a long one.

As the front door opens, Maura's heart leaps into her chest. She waits not-so patiently for Jane to find her sitting in the kitchen. Jane walks in wearing black running shorts and a deep blue long-sleeved top. Maura's body settles down at the sight of her. She had no idea how badly she needed to see this woman, how badly she needed the reassurance that the previous night wasn't a dream. And here Jane is with a nervous smile and eyes full of wonder.

For a moment, everything feels the same as it always has, but then Jane sees the shy tilt of Maura's head, the slight anxiety tinting her eyes, and her breath catches in her throat. "Hi."

"Hi."

They stare silently at each other, taking in the moment. "Why does this feel so weird?"

Maura laughs lightly, shaking her head. "I don't know, but you're right."

"I mean, it's not a bad weird." Jane slides onto the bar stool next to Maura's. Their knees touch and neither of them move away from the contact. "It's just…"

"Weird?"

Jane laughs. "Exactly." She looks up from the bar and into Maura's eyes. There's a crinkle between Maura's brows as she worries her bottom lip. She refuses to meet Jane's eyes, instead gazing steadily at the counter.

In this moment, Jane knows she's not the only one afraid of messing this up. She doesn't give herself time to second guess her actions. She reaches out, placing her hand on top of Maura's.

Maura's skin is cool to the touch, contrasting against her own heat. Almost reverently, Jane runs her fingertips over the ridges of bones, tendons, and veins on the top of Maura's hand. Jane forgets what she's doing there, lost in the touch. She doesn't know why, but this, this is so very different than it had ever been before. The freedom of not having to hold back, of not checking herself is incredible. Maura's knee presses harder into her own. Jane looks up again into those mesmerizing eyes, a half-grin on her face. "We'll figure it out, Maura."

Maura smiles at the reassurance, her fears dissipating even further. She places her other hand atop Jane's covering hers and squeezes. "I know we will."

The next few seconds pass without words. Maura's fingers ghost over the scar on the top of Jane's hand and Jane swallows hard. She clears her throat. "Let's go run!" Jane announces, giving Maura's hand one last squeeze before hopping off the barstool.

…

Later that evening Jane and Maura are sitting opposite each other on the couch in Maura's living room. Jane has a beer in her hand; Maura - a glass of merlot. After their run, their Saturday had been a lazy affair. It's not unusual for them to spend an entire weekend together, but now there's a current just underneath their interactions as they try to get used to the newness of their burgeoning romantic relationship.

Jane can't help her eyes as they travel back to Maura every so often. The two of them have sat on this couch through each other's highest highs and lowest lows. But now, sitting here with Maura, as girlfriends - is surreal. She's half-expecting to wake up from a dream and find that it's all been an elaborate figment of her imagination. But then her eyes travel up the length of Maura's body, sees the rise and fall of her chest, hears the ticking of the wall clock – and she knows. This is real. It's probably the realest thing she's ever experienced. It's just... So new, so strange and she just didn't think they'd ever be here.

Making sense of that is…mind blowing.

Jane looks down at Maura's sock-covered toes pressing lightly against her thighs. She grins as she thinks back to her daydream the night before. And she was right – this is everything. She places a tentative hand on the top of Maura's foot. Her eyes dart to Maura who appears to not have noticed her touch. Experimentally, Jane spreads her fingers across the soft fabric of the sock, wishing her hand could be on skin instead but reveling in the feeling anyway. It's so simple, yet it's everything she wants. Maura sighs. Jane's eyes dart back to Maura's face. A blush spreads across Jane's cheeks and makes her nose red. She stills her hand. "Is-is this okay?"

Maura smiles assuredly. "Of course. It feels nice."

"Ah, so that was a good sigh."

"Mmmm." Maura hums as she takes a sip of her wine.

Jane stares, mesmerized by the way Maura's fingers curl around the stem of the wine glass; by the way her tongue darts out to lick her lips afterwards. Her hair is still slightly damp from her shower earlier and it falls in golden waves across one shoulder. "I love you." Jane says suddenly. She smiles at the blush her words evoke, as her hand resumes its earlier movements.

"And I love you."

Jane expels a breath. She takes a long pull from her beer. "This is going to take some getting used to."

"As long as we keep talking we'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Dark eyes meet hazel.

Maura doesn't waver. "Absolutely."

"So I guess we should…talk then."

"Probably."

"How long have you known?"

Maura doesn't know if it's the dim lighting or all of the moments leading up to this exact one but she knows there is no hiding here. Not even if she wanted to, and she's surprised to find that she doesn't. "A while." She spins the liquid in her glass as she thinks of her next words. "I thought if I ignored it, it would go away."

"Yeah, I know how that feels."

"I was only fooling myself, as you can see." She laughs softly. "I've tried to pinpoint a when but I've been unsuccessful at that. Maybe it's always been there. Maybe it hasn't."

"Why'd you agree to go on that date?"

Maura sighs. "I thought if there was someone else..." She shrugs, taking a sizable drink. " I was lonely... I couldn't have you… It's been a rough week...Take your pick."

"You can have me." Jane squeezes Maura's foot.

"I know." She pokes Jane with her foot, "and you?"

"Oh, boy." Jane takes a deep breath. Her fingers still, resting softly across the top of Maura's foot. She has no desire to hide her feelings anymore, she hopes she can find the right words. "Since Casey. I was trying so hard to make it work with him. I was – I could feel myself…I could feel things changing between you and I. When he was around it was easy to pretend that things weren't shifting inside me when I was with you. It scared me." She looks pointedly at Maura. "It still scares me. And, well, that didn't work out."

"Thank god."

"Yes," Jane laughs, "thank god. So I was just going to resign myself to not dating anymore. My career is really important to me and it – well it kind of scared me to see how close I came to throwing it away because of someone else."

"I won't ever ask you to choose between us or your career."

"I know. My job does offer some…unique challenges, though."

Maura nods. Jane's eyes fall downcast to the couch cushions. There's something so sad in her voice that causes a tug in Maura's heart. I date two kinds. The kind that hates that I'm a cop, and the kind that wants to use the handcuffs. Jane had told her that what feels like a lifetime ago now, and she hates how this woman has been treated by the people she's tried to love. A sudden urge to show Jane that she can do better envelops her entire being. She changes position on the couch, settling on her knees so she's facing Jane. Her fingers slide gently along a strong jaw, her forefinger hooks underneath Jane's chin turning her head to face her. "You wouldn't be you without your job, just like I wouldn't be me without mine. And I love you for it. I love who you are – in and out of uniform, Jane."

The open honesty shining so plainly in Maura's eyes causes Jane's heart to beat wildly in her chest: all bass drum with no real rhythm or beat to cling to. Her eyes dart to Maura's red lips before coming back to hazel. A need so strong it's almost overwhelming sweeps through her.

"I want to kiss you." Jane suddenly whispers.

Maura swallows hard. Her finger tilts Jane's chin up a fraction more as she leans down closing the small distance between them. They both sigh when their lips meet, sinking into the kiss. It's soft and sweet, and when they pull away, they're both blushing and smiling bashfully. Maura adjusts her position, dropping so she's sitting next to Jane on the couch, their thighs touching.

Jane can't keep the grin from her face. Her lips are still tingling from the chaste kiss and it short-circuits something in her brain. Everything between her ears is a pleasant static, as she puts her arm across the back of the couch and onto Maura's shoulders.

…

Jane cracks an eye open at the light shining brightly against her face. Jane slowly becomes alert to a warm sensation coming from her side. It takes her a moment, but the sudden realization of who is pressed against her side only makes her grin grow wider.

Maura is laying half on top of Jane and half on the couch, her face is buried adorably between Jane's shoulder and the side of a cushion. Jane's left arm is wedged between the crevices of the cushions and Maura's chest. She's lost all feeling in that arm and she aches to move it. To move the rest of her body too. She's wearing too many clothes and the couch is too suffocating – she can feel sweat along her lower back. She has to pee. But, the image next to her is too much.

Her face feels warm, and her heart - rather than pounding uncontrollably - begins to settle into a deep, steady rhythm. She takes a long, slow breath and just looks. This moment here; now she can feel things begin to shift inside her. Just like that moment when she knew she started to fall for this woman. Only this time, freedom has replaced fear.

Gently – tentatively – she traces a long line from Maura's shoulder to her hip. Her fingertips trail over a rumpled shirt before stopping for a moment against the small strip of bare skin between the jersey tee and yoga pants. She traces random patterns against the smooth skin. Maura lets out a sleepy sound; somewhere between a grunt and a sigh. Jane smiles. This moment is so peaceful and serene. Jane can imagine waking up to this, like this, every day for the rest of her life. Right now, that thought is not so terrifying. She sighs, burying her nose in Maura's hair.

Maura reaches a sleepy hand behind her and grabs Jane's hand. "Tickles."

Jane laughs softly in Maura's ear. "Sorry."

"We fell asleep."

Jane nods into Maura's hair. "Mmmhmm."

"This isn't exactly entirely comfortable."

Jane laughs, "yeah, I think we're a little too old to be sleeping on the couch."

"Not to mention your knee in my spine."

"Or you having my arm hostage. I think it's asleep, I can't feel it."

"Do you want it back?"

They both burst into laughter. "I do actually, I have to pee. I'm going to get up first that way you don't squish my organs." Maura playfully slaps behind her - her hand hitting Jane's thigh. Jane laughs as she begins the delicate process of extracting herself from the couch. Once on her feet, she stretches her hands to the ceiling, grimacing at the various cracking noises that come from her body. "Next time," she looks down at Maura, "we should do that on a bed."

"Agreed," she raises a hand toward Jane, "help me up."